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EMILY'S STORY (IT HAS A HAPPY ENDING. . .)
girlyhurley |
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SO MANY EMOTIONS. . ..
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Apr 28, 2008 12:52am (EST)
This weekend has been such a rollercoaster! So hard to tell family and the few friends that knew about our pregnancy about our loss. I am so not telling anyone until 12 weeks next time! That is what I did with Emily and she came out alright (well kinda. .. just early!- My hubby thought I was insane when I told him that!).
To make this weekend even harder, my sister who is 39 weeks pregnant decided to go into labor! Seriously?!?!?! Why? Why did that have to happen the next day? I love my sister and we are best friends, but Oh MY GOSH! Have much to I have to go through!
I debated about going to the hospital and what to do, but knew that she was expecting me to be there. I am lucky that Emily's daycare provider is awesome and willing to take her for the night (my hubby was working tonight). On the way there it hits me- I'm going to where I had Emily, where the nurses thought I was losing her, and to where we spent the last 10 days of our NICU stay. I've been back to the hospital since then, but not to the 6th floor. I dread the 6th floor! My mom was sensitive when I got there and realized that I was nervous about going upstairs. I finally got my courage up and went. I almost lost it in the elevator. I had to ask for a badge to go to my sister's room- the same place I asked daily for a pass to the NICU. My poor sister was/is progressing slowly. But sitting there watching her made me realize so much. . ..
1- I will never go through that! Some day when it is my chance to have another child, I will be a scheduled c-section. I will never go through labor. I feel never feel what it is like to delivery a baby naturally. I will never play that waiting game- trying to see how far I am dialated and effaced!
2- I am way too into watching the monitors. She was laughing at me because I looked at the monitor way more than I looked at her! I can't help it- I spend months watching Emily's monitors. I just wanted to make sure her little one was okay. I couldn't keep my eyes of the heartrate!
3- How blessed I am to actually have Emily. Being back there on that floor made me realize how the nurses and doctors responded when I was on the 6th floor. They had so little hope. They didn't put me under general because they wanted me to be able to see her. They didn't think she was going to survive the night- let alone make it at all!
Tonight I finally fell apart on the way home. I kept all my emotions in at the hospital- I fought it several times and almost walked out. But on the way home it all overwhelmed me. I'm coming home to an empty house at night. I haven't done that in almost 2 years. The last time I was home alone at night was when Emily was in the NICU. I don't want to be home alone. Emily is spending the night at her daycare providers, which makes sense since I got home so late, but still. . .. I want her with me! I called in sick tomorrow- I honestly don't know if I have any sick days left, but I need to get to the doctor early in the morning and I want to go get Emily early tomorrow too. I need to have a special day with her. Plus hopefully my sister will finally have the baby! Her first labor two years ago was so fast- this one is just not progressing. I hope they don't do a c-section, since I know she really doesn't want one.
Thanks for letting me be myself. . ..
Couple of good things for this weekend:
1- now I can come to ShareUnion!! hehe (its a silver lining right?)
2- my friend who went into preterm labor at 27 weeks was officially 31 weeks yesterday!! She is still in the hospital and the goal is 32 weeks! yea!!!
3- Thank you Karen for letting me talk!! It really helped! Hopefully we will meet "for reals" soon!
(for those who don't know- high schoolers say "for reals" all the time!! hehe)
Love you all!
Lori
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Posted by girlyhurley | Comments: (10) | Permalink
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SOMETHING ABOUT SHARE
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Apr 26, 2008 09:03pm (EST)
Words cannot express how special Share is to me. I know that no matter what is going on in my life I can come on Share and receive support. Even in my hardest times and times when I don't know what to say to family, I can come on here and just be myself. I know that I am so blessed to have found this site and developed this family. I can't wait until I'm able to meet all of you face-to-face- those of you I have met are amazing and I wished I lived closer to you all.
I know I've said it before, but I never thought I would be a part of something like this. I never thought that I would spend so much of my time on an online community. I tease my high schoolers about myspace, but here I am daily on Share! The big difference is that we are here to support and comfort each other. This site is trully amazing- volunteer driven, by selfless women (and men!) who just want to help others that are going through the unthinkable. Pregnancy and childbirth are supposed the be the most amazing time of a woman's life- so natural that it has been done since the beginning of time. We know that this time can be filled with so much worry, stress, and self-doubt. Pregnancy isn't always the happy time that we grow up thinking aobut- even after my sister lost her girls I thought that my pregnancies would be routine. The women on this site understand the feelings that go along with pregnancy after you've had a loss, or after you've had a preemie. You get the emotions that accompany months in the NICU and the stressful winter months fearing RSV and a simple cold. There is something about Share. . . I love it here!
Thank you again for all your support and words of comfort.
Love you all!
Lori
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Posted by girlyhurley | Comments: (8) | Permalink
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IT HAPPENED AGAIN. . .
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Apr 26, 2008 12:03pm (EST)
Bad news. . . I miscarried again. I was so much further along this time that I thought we were going to get there! I think I knew in the back of my head since Thursday night that something was different. But at only 10 weeks there is not much you can do to stop it- I know my biology background kicked in and in my head I just knew there was something about this little one that wasn't going to let it grow. This morning my cramping got so bad that I knew what was going to happen. . . my husband is out helping his dad on a project and so it was just me and Emily. Emily just looked at me like "why are you crying?" She let me hold and cuddle her- she is so sweet at times like this! I decided to wait to tell my husband in person- I didn't want him to be upset while helping out "the guys!"
Emily and I had a good morning otherwise! It is rodeo weekend here so I rode my bike and took Em in the bike trailer to go to the rodeo parade. My sister and her daughter came, as well as my daycare provider, her family, and another family that goes to our daycare. It was lots of fun and a good way to keep my mind off of things. I didn't think it was fair to Emily to just sit home and wallow since all week I've been talking to her about going to see the horses at the parade and the bands.
We went to the rodeo the other night- it was PBR night (for those who are not rodeo literate- PBR stands for Professional Bull Riding- technically not part of the rodeo- it is a different association). So much fun though! We had GREAT seats right in front of the chutes! So the bulls basically come our direction! The rodeo clown was Flint- who is just the best entertainer you have ever seen! Emily loved to watch him and all his dancing. My whole family was there and so Emily had fun sitting with everyone. Last year she only lasted for about 5 minutes before my husband took her home. This year she made it the whole time- although she fell asleep on my brother. So sweet!
Hope you are all well. . .
Love you all!
Lori
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Posted by girlyhurley | Comments: (9) | Permalink
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NEED ADVICE. . .
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Apr 25, 2008 08:49pm (EST)
So I don't consider my pregnancy with Emily "normal"- I really think that my doctor knew she wasn't growing long before he shared that with me (I trust him completely though!).
Last night and all day today my back has been really tight and my stomach goes back and forth. My sister who is pregnant with her second full term baby (she's at 39 weeks!) told me it is just my body adjusting. . .I wanted to know all your opinions. I don't remember feeling this way with Emily, but I also don't know if this is normal for this stage of pregnancy. Next Tuesday marks 10 weeks! Our first ultrasound is scheduled for May 14th. I know that my OB is out of town all next week .. . .. Is the pain and tightness normal- or should I call the office and ask them?
I don't know if I am over reacting because of my experience with Emily or if this is something to really be concerned with. I really wish that we had already heard the heartbeat and seen this little bean on the ultrasound already. I would feel so much better and more comfortable! My best friend at work at a miscarriage at 10 weeks two months ago- so I know I'm not out of the woods (seriously after having a preemie I now know there is no such thing as out of the woods!).
Any advice from you all I would greatly respect. I know we are not medical professionals, but I think we have all spent enough time at the doctor's office and researching all of our complications we should have honorary degrees!
I hope you all have good turn outs this week- I know it is a big walk weekend!
Love you all!
Lori
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Posted by girlyhurley | Comments: (5) | Permalink
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WE SURVIVED!!!
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Apr 19, 2008 08:03pm (EST)
Today was my big walk. . .. We have 5 walks in my division and today was our BIG one in my town. Last year was my first year and it was raining at the start of the walk and we had a small turn out. It was my first year and I was just there to walk for Emily. This year I was not only walking for Emily, but the media contact person, running the Family Team tent, and helping with the dove release. In addition to that my team this year was HUGE! We had about 30 people and I had that "I have the entertain them and spend time with each of them" thing going on. Needless to say I was pulled in about a dozen directions!
I had some of my high school girls come volunteer and they helped my tent in a big way. They handed out the arm bands, had teams sign our banner, and sold some MOD items. So nice to have them there! I had about 10 high schoolers there either walking or volunteering- I love that these girls are working for our cause and are committed to helping babies. It makes me emotional to think about it, because I hope when they have children they don't have to worry about prematurity. I know how I want to change my tent for next year and what I will do differently. But compared to last year we had a HUGE success!
The walk itself was great. . .we were quite the group with our blue "Marching for Emily" shirts. My MIL in her wheelchair, Emily in her wagon, babies in strollers, my brothers dogs- it felt like our group just went on and on!! Overall they counted about 1700 people walking! Amazing! Hopefully the financial amount will follow!!! I know that we met our goal of number of family teams that registered, but I know that several people told they had some trouble with the fundraising. . .
The hardest part of the day came when they needed me for the dove release. The ambassador family left early and so all of a sudden they were needing me! I literally ran about a mile and a half back to the stage since my group was near the end of the huge pack of people! I knew it would be hard, but I read the script and the names of our angels. I had written the name of the baby of my friend who lost her baby in August and is currently on bedrest at the hospital (today was 30 weeks!! WOOHOO!) at the top of the paper. It was hard to read her name first and then halfway down was the name of another family that I was close with while they were in the NICU, and then the last names I read were the names of my three angel nieces. It was so hard to go on after reading those names. . the poem about killed me. It was fun to have the Family teams help me release the doves, but when they started the song I knew I had to get off the stage! I bascially threw the mic to the emcee and ran into the crowd. The first person to get to me was Laura. Laura's daughter Sophia is a 26 weeker and was Emily's room-mate for about her ffirst 6 weeks. We always joked about how they were their first friends and we always checked on each other throughout our three month hospital stay. She was the perfect person for me to cry on and hug- we went through so many ups and downs together in the NICU and went home within days of each other. We still talk a few times a month and try to get together when we can. I'm crying again thinking about it. .. .it was such an honor to be able to be the person to do that. We almost didn't get to do the dove release, but i knew it was important for families that have lost little ones. I had a few families come up to me and thank me for doing it.
Now that my big walk is over, hopefully I will be able to give more time back to Share. I trully miss my Share family and I think about you all often. So strange how I miss people I have never physically met! OMG- I just realized I can't go to ShareUnion this year!!! Since I'm prego there is no way I'll be allowed to travel that far from home in my third trimester. Bummer! Pregnancy news- I'll officially be 8 weeks on Tuesday and my first ultrasound is scheduled for May 14. It sounds like my doctor is going to keep a super close eye on me- which is good. Only our family and a few close friends know. . .after the ultrasound we will tell others (gotta hear that heartbeat!). I'm so tempted to complain of something earlier so I can go hear the heartbeat a little sooner! I'm feeling great- just tired!
Love you all!
Lori
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Posted by girlyhurley | Comments: (9) | Permalink
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MORE STRESS. . ..
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Apr 01, 2008 09:28am (EST)
We decided to go ahead and sell our house with the intention of moving in with my in-laws. We will build them a house on the back of their property and we will technically buy their house from them. It is a good situation for all of us and one that I definitely have prayed about a lot. It has taken a year for us to get here. . .. I just talked to our realtor who sold us our house and now I am worried. She knows our house will sell, but I don't know how much it will sell for. I am afraid that it will sell for less than we owe. I think it will appraise for higher, but since it is a buyers market it may be hard to get the appraised value. So stressed. . . I feel like we finally found a way to help my in-laws and help our own finances, but now here we are in this situation. . .. please be thinking of us. She is supposed to run the numbers and get back to us by the end of the week.
Love ya
Lori
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Posted by girlyhurley | Comments: (6) | Permalink
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I DIDN'T FALL!!!!
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Mar 30, 2008 08:55pm (EST)
Tonight was the hockey game that helped benefit the MOD. I got to do an honorary puck drop before the game . . .I was so scared of falling on the ice!!!! It was slick- even with the special red carpet!!! I got to keep the puck (not an easy thing to stick in the scrapbook!!!hehe). It was lots of fun and Emily actually was a very good girl and sat with us for much of the game. Only during the second period did we go roam the arena! Sadly I didn't see too many family teams and I don't know how busy the table was in the lobby. . . next year I will have to try to be out there to try to recruit more teams!
Friday night is Bowling for Babies (also a CitiBank event- not Family Teams). .. . most of my family is going so it should be lots of fun! Then it is only three short weeks until our walk!!! Scary!
Our first walk in CA was actually yesterday- it was in a small town near where I live (in my same region). This was the first year we have held a walk there. .. only 16 people! Kind of sad- it was a family team and one corporate team. Next year we will try to get more going there!
Hope you are all doing well!
Love ya!
Lori
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Posted by girlyhurley | Comments: (1) | Permalink
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SO SCARY!!!
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Mar 29, 2008 11:06pm (EST)
I just found out the my neighbor across the street had his home broken into last friday night. . ..that's not the worst part- HE WAS HOME!!! I live in a fairly nice neighborhood- the homes are older (from the 70s), but it is in a good part of town and I have always felt extremely safe here!!! We don't even double check to make sure our doors are locked most of the time!!!
He heard the guy and went out to confront him telling him he wa going to call the police. The guy ended up leaving and I believe the cops got him!!! So scary! I'm home alone with Emily at least half the week!!! Needless to say we have made some changes in locking all our doors and where we keep some other home protection items!!! I've been jumping everytime our dogs start barking at night. . .hopefully our two big dogs will scare anyone away that gets close to our home! It is great being married to a cop, but he is never home when we need protection! He protecting others at night when we need him!
Now I really can't wait to move. . .we are buying my in-laws home. The first set of plans have already been sent to the county since we are building them a small house on the back of the property. We are hoping to put our home on the market in May and move during the summer. The market is a mess, but our home is (was. . . .hehe) in a good neighborhood, feeds into great schools, and is at the lower end of the market since it is small. This is a great starter home for a young married couple or someone with only one child. I love this house, but we are starting to outgrown it. If and when we have another child we will definitely be cramped here. My in-laws home will feel safer since they will be close, it is in the same beat where my husband works, has an alarm, etc. Plus it is double the size of my home now. . .. I don't know what I will do with all that room!!! hehe Once we move we will be in walking distance (2 miles or less) to my parents, my brother, and my sister!!! That will be so nice! My two SILs will also be within walking distance. That will be good for Emily.
I haven't heard an update on my friend in the hospital. . .. I didn't make it over to that side of town today and I won't tomorrow. I'm going to try to make it on Monday. . .hopefully I will have heard the latest by then. I just know that everyday helps increase her odds of a healthy baby!!!
Tomorrow we are having March for Babies at the Rink!! Our local hockey team is having a fundraiser that is benefitting the MOD and family teams. Half the cost of my tickets is going back to my own family team, our past ambassador family is going to be the home town hero of the game (they were our family team that brought in the most $ last year). AND I GET TO DROP THE PUCK!!!! Crazy! I have never done anything like this before. .. it should be interesting. Last night I went with my family to a local bar where they were donating half of the profits back to MOD. It was hosted by CITIbank- my dad works for them so we are going to a lot of their fundraisers as well. . .. it doesn't go back to Family Teams, but it still helps the MOD!
Sorry this got so long. . . I guess this is what happens when I have been off of Share for nearly a month!! hehe
Enjoy your Sunday!
Love ya!
Lori
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Posted by girlyhurley | Comments: (6) | Permalink
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QUICK UPDATE. ...
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Mar 27, 2008 08:24pm (EST)
Just to let you know, my friend is still in the hospital. Since she is funneling they are not going to release her until the baby is born. They were able to stop the contractions last night! So that is good news. I'm really hoping that they get to 30 weeks. . . of course 36 weeks would be awesome, but we will take whatever we get.
I'm planning on going by this weekend to drop off a card and some food. They are a very close family and haven't reached out much to my school for support. . . .not many even know what is going on. Please keep them in your prayers!!!
Love ya!
Lori
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Posted by girlyhurley | Comments: (6) | Permalink
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