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Sarah Granger

August 2008

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A HAPPY ENDING TO A SCARY BEGINNING

Nov 11, 2007 07:49pm (EST)

As Prematurity Awareness Day approaches and my daughter's 2nd birthday nears, I think it's time for me to cut the cord with this blog. What I'm writing here no longer fits with the March of Dimes community, although I will say that without this blogging outlet and supportive online community, the experience I underwent when pregnant and just after my daughter's birth would have been much more difficult. I want to thank each and every person who came to this blog and corresponded me about my experience. You made a difference in my life and my baby's.

I'd like to recap my experience for those visiting for the first time and just to conclude my writing here. It began with my parents. My mother was a premature twin who survived in an incubator and boiled milk in the 40's. My father was stricken with polio in the 50's and the March of Dimes was born to help people like him. When my parents were planning to have their second child, they lost the baby at 32 weeks - a boy, a preemie whose lungs were not developed enough to sustain keeping him alive longer than four hours outside the womb after a placental abruption. Then I was born healthy four years later.

At week 30 of my first pregnancy, I began having early contractions and went onto medication and bed rest. I suffered from severe depression during and after the pregnancy. During this scary process, I found this web site and launched this blog, my first blogging venture as a writer (although I had edited one blog in the past and posted to one other at another time.) That was two years ago.

My daughter was born two weeks late, as fate would have it, and as a result of that, the bed rest and some birth-related complications, I suffered some nerve damage, a fractured tailbone and pelvic floor muscular injuries that required a lot of rest and rehabilitation. The pain and related depression became so bad for a while that I had to count the minutes in order to make it through each hour. It's gotten better, gradually, month by month, but it's been a long haul. I'm still undergoing physical therapy in that area twice a week and I'm still exploring additional options for the pain management with a variety of doctors. But it has all been worth it because I have an absolutely wonderful daughter.

During the recovery process and my daughter's infancy, I began blogging at another site - the Silicon Valley Moms Blog - where I made friends and learned a great deal about myself, parenting, and how to combine them in my new life as a mother. My writing has grown both stylistically and professionally, and I've become more comfortable expressing my personal experiences to others. I've learned to open-up more as a person and to share all of my stories.

The most poignant experience for me to date throughout all of this, however, is where I would like to conclude my posting here. (At least for now. There may come a day where I come back and write more later.) I began figure skating at age five and skated all of my life, competing on and off. My husband began taking skating lessons and playing hockey a few years ago. Skating, before writing, was my one outlet for both physical exercise and personal expression. I always dreamed of having a child who I could teach to skate. My dream finally came true.

When I was pregnant and when my daughter was very small, I would watch figure skating competitions while resting on the couch. This summer, my daughter began sliding on the floor and spinning around - she already understood it somehow. As my recovery has been long and difficult, I had only been skating once on a very good day, so the next time I felt well, I took J along to watch and she loved it! We put her in rental skates to walk around on another occasion.

Then one day, we decided it was time for her to take the ice. Most children don't start skating until age 2 or 3, but she was 19 months old and itching to get out there. She put on the skates and took off, dragging us to hold her up. It was wonderful. Although still physically painful for me, I loved every moment of watching her face - the excitement and the awe of the experience. It was like falling in love and giving birth all over again and seeing her smile at me for the first time.

Below is a photo of us together on our first time skating together. It was a moment I will never forget and a moment I wanted to share with this community to say thank you for being there for me. As a family, we have been skating one more time together and we will continue to do so as she grows up, for as long as she still wants to skate and is able. I hope I can keep healing and growing stronger so I can keep up with her as she learns more. It's a wonderful, special feeling to share with her and with my husband.

Looking back two years ago - scared, depressed, feeling alone on bed rest, and throughout the experience of the birth and all of the related trauma and pain, I can't believe how far we've come. I know it would've been harder had I not had this outlet. Thank you to each of you for your kindness and well wishes, and I wish the best for everyone who visits here.

j-mama-skating

Posted by Sarah Granger | Comments: (5) | Permalink

EACH PRECIOUS DAY

Jul 18, 2007 01:06am (EST)

J is now 18 months old. Hard to believe. As she grows more independent, I'm recovering just a little more. I still can't ever seem to keep up with her, but I'm trying as much as I can.

Today (yesterday really... as I write this, I realize it's now past midnight) was a special day because I was given the opportunity to spend the first nearly full day alone with my daughter I've had in a long time. A few weeks ago I spent most of the day caring for her, but my husband was around. Today, our nanny/mom's helper who has been invaluable to my healing and sanity, had to cancel at the last minute due to a family appointment. So my husband worked from home in the morning and helped me with J, took her on a walk to get his coffee so she'd have some time in the park, and then it was just the two of us...

I didn't know what to do at the beginning. Pre-nap is always tough because she has so much energy in the early part of the day. But we hung out in the house, played with her babies and her blocks, and I took care of a few urgent work and family phone matters. Then I read to her and put her down for her nap, rushed onto a business conference call and cranked through a few urgent tasks before she woke.

After the nap, we played more in the house, I chased her around with the little "popcorn" popper-toy vacuum toy and she loved that. Then we went on a walk and stopped into our neighborhood book club meeting to say hi to some people, kept walking, then came home and I gave her dinner. She was feeling very independent so she fed herself most of the food. We took a bubble bath together early enough not to feel rushed and just enjoyed each other's company. Then we played a little more with her baby dolls, I prepared her last milk of the day, read more stories and put her to bed.

All of that may sound humdrum to most people, but for me it was a milestone to make it through the day without being in really terrible pain. I was in a little pain, but nothing compared to a year ago and nothing compared to what I expected since I did a pretty good job managing my activity levels throughout the day. So it was a real success for me personally.

The other thing that made it a special day was that I had an incredible work load. I really thought the nanny would at least come later in the day so I could get through some of it, but she didn't. So I had no choice but to just stop and say the day would be for me and J. But I was able to take care of a couple of really urgent things and then put the rest off. Now, tomorrow will be crazy because of the back log, but hopefully I won't be lying there feeling guilty I'm not with J since I spent all day today with her.

It's a precious balance - my health, her needs, my career, our family, my sanity, her education... but we're doing our best to chug along. She's at the age now where she'll give me hugs and kisses, nuzzle my nose and as always, fill my day with smiles. Even with over 2 years of pretty severe pain and no end in sight, I wouldn't trade any moment or day I spend with my daughter. Maybe soon, if I can keep healing on the track I'm currently on, I'll be able to spend more days one-on-one with J without much pain. That would be a dream come true.

Posted by Sarah Granger | Comments: (0) | Permalink

HELPFUL BABY

Jun 03, 2007 02:24pm (EST)

Julia's not really a baby any more, but she still calls herself one... anyway yesterday for the first time, she was able to actually help me out when I needed something. Still requiring rest often to recover, I was lying on a lounge chair. I really wanted a pillow, so knowing that she sometimes will bring us things when we ask, I thought I'd try to see if she would bring me a pillow.

So I said to my little one, "Julia, can you bring me a pillow?" I pointed to the pillows across our deck on a swinging chair - and she went and got one for me! It was so sweet. She felt helpful, I felt proud, and it was one of those - wow, she's growing up so fast! moments.

Just when I was settling in with my pillow, she said "Dada?" and brought the other pillow over for my husband to use in his chair. It made my heart melt. That one moment alone was worth all of the pain I've endured over the past two years.

Posted by Sarah Granger | Comments: (3) | Permalink

THE SWEETEST AGE

May 28, 2007 12:25pm (EST)

I've been told my daughter's at the sweetest age now. She's nearing 17 months of age and she's absolutely marvelous. Not that she wasn't for every minute since she was born (well except perhaps when she smacked me a few times) but she's just incredible now. She's coming up with new words every day or two, she's learning new things quickly, she stops to smell the flowers, and her beautiful smile is even more precious after her first haircut.

I've been told this wonderful time goes until she enters the terrible two's, but then some people say not every child has a terrible two-three year-old phase. I guess we'll find out what it's like for her, but all I know is that she's super fun to spend time with - whether we're reading, playing indoors or outdoors, taking a walk, riding in the car, or snuggling. I wish I could somehow chronicle it all beyond fleeting photos and short videos. My writing will never do it justice. But I figure at least if I make notes here and there, I'll be able to look back and remember later how much I've loved these days.

Posted by Sarah Granger | Comments: (2) | Permalink

FRUSTRATION OVERFLOW

Mar 28, 2007 02:00pm (EST)

Frustrations of a somewhat new mom struggling with managing her own needs, her daughter's needs, and many frustrating people with whom she must interact on a daily basis and who don't have any concept of how valuable her time now is and how different her life has become...

Here's my laundry list of frustrations today:
- Pain. Lots of it. Nerve trauma relapse that won't end because my life seems dominated by Murphy's Law.
- Sleep. Not lots of it. See above.
- Needy baby - I wish I could be with her more. She's wonderful. She's doing nothing wrong. I want to be her everything but I can't.
- Contractors showing up at my house to work on projects they never seem to finish without warning. The attempt, of course, is to have a HOME where we can finally relax, be comfortable as a family, spend time together, heal, retreat. So far, we're not doing much of that.
- Several people I'm working with on projects having little in terms of communications skills and causing all kinds of confusion with multiple parties, and my having to take the time and energy (that I don't have) to straighten out problems they caused by taking shortcuts and not communicating properly.
- New house costs far exceeding our budget leaving us with less to pay bills. (I would love to vent further on this topic but for financial privacy, I feel that I cannot.)
- Helpless feeling that I can't take weight off my husband's shoulders because I'm still recovering, and he is overwhelmed at work (another topic I would elaborate on but should not).
- Angry at my "old" friends who do not understand what my life is like now who continue to waste my time by mindless chitchat about their little problems for extended periods of time when they should know that I have a young daughter, severe chronic pain, a husband with little time to help, serious childcare and household expenses... essentially who don't understand the concept that time is money and that with a child and health problems, that time comes at a much higher premium.
- Constant frustration feeling overwhelmed by all of this, feeling like I have no control any more and that I'm relegated to being in pain, watching someone else raise my daughter (nanny who is good, but not me), living in a house that's not done, spending money I don't have, and dealing with people I frankly don't always like.

I know some people would tell me to just suck it up, shut up, don't complain. That's life... I should be glad for what I do have, I know that. And I am. I'm extremely glad for my daughter's good health and for the fact that I don't have worse health problems. And our house is getting better. But my life in general is not a happy place and as much as I try to make it better, every time I makd a decision I think is a good one, somehow it backfires.

Posted by Sarah Granger | Comments: (2) | Permalink

LEARNING TO SHARE

Jan 23, 2007 05:32pm (EST)

Yesterday, my daughter began sharing. She first gave me one of her toys last week as a one-time-only thing, and I soon forgot about it. But yesterday, when she was playing with her favorite group of stuffed kitties, she handed one to me. Then another, and another.

We turned it into a game: pass the kitty. Then it became more interactive. She would pet her kitty. I would make mine meow and purr. We went on like that for a while. She kept handing me her kitties. Every once in a while, though, she would hand me her favorite gray one and then pull it back for herself (which I thought was hilarious). If I looked away for a moment, she'd say "mama" to make sure I brought all of my attention back to our activity.

Next, I decided to take the game up a notch and incorporate my husband's favorite, "cat on the head". I put a cat (they're really small) on her head, then one on mine. She thought that was the funniest thing in the world, so she started holding the cats up high so I would put them straight on my head when she offered them to me.

I guess the next step is to get her to do this with other kids. Last time we went to play with anyone else, she was taking the other kids' toys and keeping them to herself. I can't recall seeing her offer toys to others, but I look forward to that day. I certainly don't remember when I learned to share, but I know this is difficult for lots of children. I can only hope my daughter retains the same level of enjoyment for sharing over time that she showed to me yesterday. It's a real gift.

Posted by Sarah Granger | Comments: (3) | Permalink

COMMUNITIES & PAIN

Jan 22, 2007 03:47am (EST)

I started a web search tonight for "chronic pain community" and later more for "chronic pain blog" and "pelvic pain blog" and was saddened to find not much of anything.

From what I've read, there are countless people in chronic pain - particularly back pain - in the U.S. alone and there are thousands of women with pelvic pain problems (everything from the ovaries to the vagina to the belly coccix.) Many of the pelvic pain problems result from birth-related complications but not necessarily the majority - it's such a wide ranging area.

If anyone on this site knows of anywhere that people can share their concerns, learn pain management from each other, and not feel afraid of stigmas attached to pain or especially feminine pain, please post the links here or send them to the email address at the bottom of my blog at sairy.com.

I try to focus my posts here on experiences of a mother going through a little more challenging of a time than the average new mom, because this community seems to be more about pregnancy and preemie challenges. However, I have since learned that there are a variety of ways to become one of the women who has a more difficult than average post partum experience.

In the past year, I've made some unlikely new friends. One new mom has chronic back pain from a slipped disc related to ergonomic problems she had from work before having her baby. Her son is huge and she can't lift him and lives on painkillers.

Another mom has older children but has suffered from a number of extremely debilitating immune and autoimmune problems as a result of severe allergies. Then there's the mom whose son was born with a tumor the size of a grapefruit on his arm.

The other mom I know who's having pain - in her case, pelvic pain - is someone I've known for many years and she had a baby not long after I did. She's having hearing problems now and a whole host of other things.

Yesterday, I heard about a woman whose whole face was numb as a result of giving birth - somehow the nerves that far up were paralyzed. Today I learned of a different woman who had some of the spinal headache side effects of epidurals.

Where are the facts about all of these "complications" of pregnancy? Why doesn't the media focus more on risks and consequences of having children so people have a better understanding of what they're getting their own bodies into before going down this path?

I'm not saying I would have not had my baby or not gotten pregnant had I known more about potential problems. I just think I may have taken it easier and heeded the "take the first 6 weeks to rest" warnings and taken them more seriously.

No point crying over spilled milk now, but I become more frustrated each day to learn about more women in pain when - one would like to think - it could have been prevented.

Posted by Sarah Granger | Comments: (1) | Permalink

MAMAANDADAT

Jan 08, 2007 03:22am (EST)

My daughter turned 1 year-old yesterday. As we began our bedtime routine, she crawled onto a soft blanket in her room and said "mamaandadat". This was the first time she ever said both our names together in one phrase and it was music to our ears after a long and trying year.

Our daughter's first year began two weeks late and sixteen hours after my water broke, ending several months of bed rest and waiting. She was a "big baby" as the delivering Obstetrician noted during the final pushes (note to all OB/GYNs out there - this is not what a pushing mother wants to hear...) and came out smiling. If it weren't for her absolutely angelic constitution, I would not have survived the past year.

Six weeks into motherhood, I was given the green light by my doctor to go anywhere, do anything. I looked fine, but I was still having severe post partum pain. It took me two more months to even be able to describe where the pain came from. Meanwhile, I tried to get help from my mother (who lived too far away), a post partum doula (who became ill and then moved), and a series of nannies (who just weren't right for the job) - none of whom I had the time or energy to train properly. I spent every day in excruciating pain and every night sobbing and wishing for it all to end.

Meanwhile my daughter was growing like a string bean. She decided to sit up before she was 3 months old. She started standing at 4 months and started cruising at 5 months. (No joke.) There was no way to keep up with her energy. My husband, already working long hours for a taxing high-tech job, kept taking care of all of the household tasks I couldn't since going on bed rest. He hadn't had more than 4-5 hours of sleep a night in months and still hasn't. Finally I found a nanny who I felt comfortable enough with and was able to start resting, but the damage was done. It took several more months to get a clear diagnosis on what was wrong with me and a hand full of doctors.

Now I'm being seen by a neurologist at the Stanford Pain Clinic, a physical therapist, a psychologist and a new OB. "Nerve trauma", "chronic neuropathic pain", "stretched nerve" and "overactive nerves from muscle strain" have become common phrases in my vocabulary. Essentially in the weeks after I gave birth, as a result of the delivery and the lack of rest, some of my internal nerve tissue became hypersensitive and extremely inflamed, then causing residual irritation externally and reflecting to other areas. This was in addition to a few other problems that I won't go into here.

My daughter's first year birthday began with for me by taking a hefty dose of vicodin in order to sleep at midnight, alternating throughout the night with the maximum amount of motrin possible before obliterating my much maligned liver. Then after being knocked-out for several hours, I debated whether to put on topical lidocaine (anesthetic) ointment for the birthday party and sat on the sitz bath for a while. Finally, the party hour arrived and my daughter was still napping.

My husband and I took the opportunity for a few moments rest before waking our sleeping infant and departing from our current house to our new home where family and friends were waiting anxiously for the guest of honor. No longer a "big baby" but definitely a tall toddler, she rode proudly facing forward in the car seat for the first time.

Our daughter enjoyed her party immensely, including riding around in her new ride-on vehicle, playing with some new friends and a plethora of toys and balloons, and opening up several fun gifts. She grinned and giggled, marched a few steps on her own, posed for photos and spent time hugging each person goodbye as our family left. She missed her second nap completely from all of the excitement and wound down quickly after everyone was gone.

I survived the day feeling much less pain than expected, having been allowed the opportunity to recline at intervals during the festivities. By the time our little one snuggled onto that blanket sweetly saying "mamaandadat", it was just what we needed to hear, as if she was thanking us for everything we went through over the past year. Somehow it made every moment of pain and exhaustion worth it.

Posted by Sarah Granger | Comments: (2) | Permalink

I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE IT...

Oct 22, 2006 10:39am (EST)

Is it normal, with a nine month-old baby, to still be amazed daily that she's alive? I don't think this is a phenomenon that developed while I was having preterm contractions. I think it began earlier than that.

I've just been wowed ever since the first ultrasound and we saw the pulsating "dot" on the screen. Then the 20 week ultrasound was incredible - I had no idea we would be able to see so much. Being able to determine she had 4 working heart chambers blew me away. Then the kicking and moving inside me certainly was something I never expected.

Once she was born, of course, I was totally enamored and intrigued by her every move. Now every day she does something new. And when she walks around with me ony holding one hand - I think I must be dreaming. I still can't believe she has ten fingers and ten toes and breathes by herself.

Posted by Sarah Granger | Comments: (5) | Permalink

SMILEY GIRL

Oct 18, 2006 02:13am (EST)

Every day, I'm amazed at my baby - her cuteness, sweetness, strength, independence, and talents. She's a very good baby, as babies go (so I'm told - this is my first experience) and she is full of smiles and energy. Some days are more amazing than others, however, in her sweetness and smiles. She just overflows.

Today was one of those days. She woke up all full of joy and exuberance beyond what most people would consider a normal level of positive energy, but it's just who she is. She was determined to traverse the whole house by any means possible, talking, playing, and grinning. She had a marvelous time and her happiness was infectious.

When I sit back and ponder how some people can go from being so happy as babies to so miserable as adults, it makes me sad; but today was not a day for such ruminations. Today, I just soaked up every one of her smiles like a sunbather soaks up the sun. If only we could all have such glowing gaiety about our daily lives. Each day I cherish her more, and each day I hope her happiness will last longer.

Posted by Sarah Granger | Comments: (3) | Permalink

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