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Jessica Bracy |
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KOBE'S STORY
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Sep 19, 2005 10:52pm (EST)
I would like to share Kobe's story...it may be too long for one entry, we will see how I do.
Kobe was pregnancy number 4...we had faced 3 previous losses, one was egtopic, one an early miscarriage and one was due to premature membrane rupture at 16 weeks after 2.5 months of strict bedrest. When the pregnancy test came back positive there was a short yippee and a long oooohhhh my gosh..we were petrified, and for good reason. I was put on what we fondly called house arrest, my doctor called it moderate activity. No leaving the house, no cleaning, no extras...I could go to the kitchen and use the bathroom and sit on the couch, but that was about it.
My husband is a motivational speaker, thinking positive is a requirement in our family so in an effort to stay upbeat and look forward we decided to buy a bigger house and prepare for our baby. We had a cute 3 bedroom house, one room was ours, one was Kendra's (the easiest baby I never had to have...my amazing step-daughter), and the other was our office. Kevin found a great house and we decided to go for it...nothing like adding a little stress to an all ready stressful situation.
A few weeks before the move I began to bleed, I was placed on full bedrest...I was told I would be put back on moderate activity at 18 weeks...that was our goal. My doctor seemed to think that if we could get past the 16 weeks mark without rupturing we had a good chance. Then came moving day. I was taken from the couch in the old house directly to a couch in the new house while the bed was being put together. We were sorrounded by family and friends helping us unpack and get things situated...we were so grateful. I remember standing up to move to the bed and feeling a BIG gush, there was no question in my mind, I had ruptured. I looked over at my husband, my face must have said it all because he took my arm and walked me upstairs. I told him that I had ruptured, I felt numb. He put me in the shower, got me some clothes and went downstairs to try to clear out the house a bit. In our minds, this was quite possibly the beginning of the end.
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Posted by Jessica Bracy | Comments: (1) | Permalink
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I AM REALLY TRYING
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Sep 15, 2005 03:47pm (EST)
I am really trying my best to keep moving forward...honestly I thought I was doing well. I am taking care of the kids, I am back at the gym (slowly) and working here and there, to me these things represent progress. I spent 5 months in bed, one of which was in the hospital...my life had stopped and now it is going again...without Kaleb, it all feels so wrong.
Everytime I look at my body I am reminded that I should be pregnant...that there was a baby in there...the leftovers are quite evident. Five months of bedrest can do a number on you, nothing is where it was before if you know what I mean, and there is a lot more than there should be...of everything.
It is hard, I can tell my husband is finding it hard to communicate with me at times. He recently told me how amazing he thought I was and how well he thought I was doing for a woman who just lost her son...but today he said he had to be careful around me because I seem to get upset if things are not done "correctly." That annoyed me because I am really, really trying to hold it all together.
Kobe is doing fair...his poor colon has no interest in behaving, but he is a trooper. He is so strong and really takes it all in stride. I am committed to finding the middle ground for him, a place where he can at least be comfortable and not have to think about pain all of the time. It is really hard to watch him struggle constantly, I am grateful for his doctor and glad to know eventually we will get in under control.
I have been glued to the tv since Katrina hit and have found making care packages so helpful...it sure takes my mind off of myself...what they are going through is impossible to even begin to wrap my mind around.
Hugs to you all, thank you for your ears, I can't tell you how much you all help.
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Posted by Jessica Bracy | Comments: (5) | Permalink
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COULDN'T DO IT
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Aug 28, 2005 07:54pm (EST)
I just got home from a family dinner, I couldn't make it through. I had been feeling down all day...my heart is broken, my body hurts from 5 months of bedrest,I can't fit into any of my clothes and I just feel blah. I was actually looking forward to dinner, but when I got there I just felt overwhelmed.
The dinner was to meet my step sister's fiance and congratulate my step brother for getting engaged. It was hard for me to be in a room of people and not have my son acknowledged. I had to go into the other room, then all I could do is cry. My husband finally said I should go home...he had to go to a meeting. I came home, I left through the back door...my kids stayed to play. I blew kisses to them as I walked to the car, I didn't want them to see me upset, not tonight, let them be kids and enjoy themselves without worrying about Mommy.
I just can't handle the fact that I will never hold Kaleb again, though I know I will be ok, right now I can't imagaine it. I feel so awful, my arms feel so heavy. It is so hard to see life go on when my son never got a chance to live his. There are no words to express how much I miss him. All I can think about is how beautiful he was, his little lips, his strong little body, his gorgeous face. I wish I could understand why.
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Posted by Jessica Bracy | Comments: (3) | Permalink
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EMOTIONS
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Aug 27, 2005 12:43am (EST)
Kobe is having a terrible time with his tummy...he has ulcerative colitis and it is so hard on him. It just breaks my heart to hear him cry and scream when he doesn't feel good. I am so tired of the steriods and other meds that chnge his personality and make him feel even worse. He is 4 and has barely hit the 27 pound mark. On a more positive note, he has an amazing doctor and I feel very confident that she will help get things under control.
I had my 6 week follow up apt...I can't believe it has been 6 weeks since I held my Sweet Kaleb, I miss him so much. My wonderful doctor was full of hugs and support which was greatly appreciated. I was dreading having to go back to his office, so many memories, so much emotion. He sat with us and said he would like to help us look at our options to have more children, but that another pregnancy was not one of them. I knew I shouldn't get pregnant again, but to hear it come out of his mouth was hard to swallow.
I look at Kobe and see what could have been for Kaleb...Kaleb will never take his first step or have his first day of school...to now face the fact that I will never get the opportunity to bring another child into the world and get to experience their firsts leaves me with a feeling of emptiness. I know that there are other options and we are completely open to them, but I first need to come to terms with the fact that I will not carry a child again. There are many emotions tied to that, one is relief, but most are related to saddness, even a feeling of failure. I find myself apologizing to Kaleb for not being able to bring him here safely...I know this is not really the case and that I did all I could, but a part of me feels like I failed...and by not being able to try again leaves a small part of me feeling like a failure.
I experienced similar feelings after Kobe was born...as a mother we feel like we should be able to keep them safe and deliver them into the world when they are ready to handle it and not before. I didn't do that...with either of my sons...it feels terrible. Don't get me wrong, I do know that I am a good mother, I love my children with every fiber in my being...but you can't always help how you feel and the emotions that come in times of crisis.
Thank you for being a part of my healing, together we will all make it through.
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Posted by Jessica Bracy | Comments: (5) | Permalink
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KOBE
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Aug 20, 2005 10:03pm (EST)
What started out as a simple runny nose rarely stays that way when you are raising a preemie...I am sure you can all relate! Kobe just finished 5 months of prednisone for his colon...we were so excited to be off meds for a minute...that was really all it was, about a minute. Now he has sinusitus and an upper respitory something which means...more meds. I hate to complain, we are truly blessed, I just want a break for him.
He has had a rough summer, he was really sick with ulcerative colitis and then we found out we were pregnant. He had surgery early in my pregnancy, I was by his side though I couldn't hold him the way I would have liked. All of the sudden I was on bed rest and eventually hospitalized. Kobe went from being by my side constantly to seeing me once or twice a day...it was very confusing for him and hard to deal with, especially when he wasn't feeling well.
After Kaleb's death he was baffled. He just couldn't figure out where his brother was, why everyone was sad, and why Mommy wasn't "better yet". His doctor said all of this is taking a toll on his health, I am not sure how to make it better. I am still healing physically from my pregnancy with Kaleb and emotionally trying to hold it all together all the while caring for and loving on Kobe.
It is a hard line to straddle...loving one son and mourning the other...too bad there isn't a manual, I could REALLY use one.
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Posted by Jessica Bracy | Comments: (3) | Permalink
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HARD TO SWALLOW
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Aug 14, 2005 08:25am (EST)
I attended my daughter's dance recital last night. I was hesitant about going only because I have not been out much since losing Kaleb and I was nervous to see so many people at one time. I was walking in and one of the mothers came up to hug me and tell me how sorry she was...then she looked right at me and said, "Well, I guess it was just meant to be."
I do believe that all things happen for a reason, and I have faith that Kaleb was saved from a life of pain and suffering; HOWEVER, I don't believe that if her child were to die she would find much comfort in someone telling her ... "Well, I guess it was just meant to be."
I know that people don't know what to say I do appreciate her "support", I would rather my son be acknowledged than ignored...I just found those words so hard to swallow. My whole heart tells me my son was meant to be with me.
Thanks for listening, I just needed to get that out.
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Posted by Jessica Bracy | Comments: (2) | Permalink
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HARD TO UNDERSTAND
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Aug 09, 2005 08:44pm (EST)
I learned today that the niece of one of my good friends ruptured at 22 weeks and delivered her daughter last night...the baby passed away just minutes after her birth. I cried when I heard... I felt so sad for her...it is so hard to understand why these things happen. My heart breaks for her.
We are now soul sisters...we have shared an experience that only few can truly understand...the devastation that comes with giving birth to your child and losing them all in one day. I do believe that things happen for a reason, and I believe that our children were saved from a lifetime of pain and suffering...that is what gives me peace. I hope and pray that she will find what gives her peace.
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Posted by Jessica Bracy | Comments: (0) | Permalink
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WANTING TO HELP
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Aug 08, 2005 12:31am (EST)
A week after we lost Kaleb my husband told me his friend's wife had ruptured at 29 weeks and was in the hospital. She and I were friendly, but not exactly friends. The minute he told me I thought about calling her to offer support. I remembered the fear and I wanted to help to ease hers...but I was so consumed by grief I was unable to make the call.
I asked my husband for updates everyday, I couldn't stop thinking about her. She delivered a few days later, I really wanted to offer support, or an ear or a shoulder, but I didn't, I just felt so sad and so weak, I wasn't sure I was strong enough to help.
Tonight I picked up the phone and called her, I am so glad I did. She said she had been wanting to call, but she wasn't sure what to say. She said her daughter is gaining weight and breathing on her own and that she had many questions to ask me. I was so relieved that her daughter is doing well... and I am so glad that I didn't feel envious or angry that her daughter made it and my son did not.
One small victory on my road toward healing.
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Posted by Jessica Bracy | Comments: (1) | Permalink
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1 MONTH WITHOUT MY SON
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Aug 06, 2005 12:09am (EST)
I am sitting here watching the clock...11:49 pm...in 11 more minutes it will be Saturday...four Saturday's ago Kaleb was born and on that same Saturday...an hour and 18 minutes after his birth to be exact, he passed away. It is hard to believe that it has been a month, my pain feels so fresh, I am still trying to face the fact that my sweet little boy will not be coming home. Though it feels like a lifetime ago that I held him in my arms, my body feels like it was just yesterday that I gave birth to him.
It is 12:00 AM. Kobe is sleeping next to me, he is going to get extra hugs and snuggles tonight.
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Posted by Jessica Bracy | Comments: (2) | Permalink
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