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A JOURNAL FOR GRADY, GABBY & ABBY

GradyGabbyAbby

July 2009

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LONG TIME...

May 20, 2009 01:27pm (EST)

Hi everyone. It's been awhile and *my* how time flies!!

I hope you are all doing well.
There has been so much going on in our lives. It's been crazy, hectic and fun.

Grady is doing wonderfully and has been keeping us plenty busy. Indoor soccer is over and he will be starting football in the summer. Love mesome football!!

And you all know how he feels about playing football!! LOVES IT!! lol...
He is doing well in school and only has a few more weeks to go. Last day is June 12th and he will then be in the 5th grade. Last year of elementary school and then he moves on to Jr. high!!! So hard to believe.

He's growing like a weed and is almost as tall as his mom and dad now. WOW...

Life in general is going really well. Ken and I just had our 2nd annual tattooing to save babies March of Dimes fund raiser this past Saturday. It was a smashing success at our shop.

Did well over $1,000.00 more then last year, so we are pretty happy about that.

We won't know our grand total in donations till the end of the month though. We are hoping that more donations start coming in through the mail and paypal, and that more tattoo shops participated then last year. We are keeping our fingers crossed!!

I had a few "emotional moments" talking about our girls to friends during the day, but overall it was terrific, with lots of fun and laughs!!

I just love the idea that once a year we can do something in honor of our daughters.

Below are a few pics from our day:

1. The tough tattooing crew

(Dwayne, Ruler, Ken and Nick)

Tattooing to save Babies artists of the day!!

2. Friends joining us on a successful day

On Ken's 40th birthday (April 6th), our son tattooed for the 1st time. It was AWESOME!!

Grady tattooing his Dad for his 40th Birthday

I have hit another milestone. I am no longer on anti depressants and my panic attacks have decreased. I now have my social life back and am enjoying going out with friends, having lunch dates and attending parties. I feel more alive then I have in years!!

Next week is another milestone for us.
I will be celebrating my 40th birthday on May 26th and Ken and I will be celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary on May 27th.
I don't know which is worse being 40 or being married for 20!! hahaha...

Life is good...

HUGS and kisses to everyone!!
Colleen

Posted by GradyGabbyAbby | Comments: (7) | Permalink

MOVING FORWARD...

Feb 10, 2009 07:31am (EST)

I feel as if my journey of grief is not quite over but finally coming to the point where it is "bearable."
I can live my life again to the fullest, never forgetting my girls but coping much more easily now.
It's hard to describe, but these past few months I feel as if I have come full circle. There have been changes in me, in my heart and in my soul. I'm still that same Mom that has lost 2 daughters, just not that same Mom that was emotionally distraught and scared.
Death stills terrifies me, and those thoughts of my girls dying in my arms will never fade.
They shouldn't be in the ground, they should be here with us as a family. But they aren't, and I have learned to accept this. I have learned through this process to grieve, to cry and to scream at the top of my lungs and be angry when I needed to be. And then move on to the next step. It's a cycle, just as life is a cycle. We all are born, we all live and we all die.
Grief is much like life's cycle. Grief is born by our loss, we live it, we move through it and then it dies.
Every day was an uphill battle for me these past 3 years or so. The struggles, the heavy heart, the emotional and physical drain that my body took. But today it's just a bumpy road that I can tolerate. A road that although is not the straight and narrow, but is one that has become more easily traveled.

As a family, we are all doing well. There was illness for a few weeks. But everyone I talk to has had the darn mess or was catching it. But we have recovered and all is in good health once again.
Ken had a follow up appointment with his pulmonologist last month. The doctor noticed some dark circles under his eyes and was a bit concerned. So we are scheduled a blood ox test to be done at our local hospital, just to make sure Ken is exhaling carbon monoxide from his lungs like he should be. We are afraid that if he isn't that he could be slowly poisoning his system.

Grady just received his report card and has gotten all A's and B's again. We are very proud of the young man he is becoming.

He is currently taking indoor soccer on Saturdays, and is now wrestling 2 nights a week. He loves it and it keeps Mom busy for sure.

But I wouldn't have it any other way.

And me, I'm doing well. I had a doctors appointment last month and my blood pressure was a little higher then we would like, but I'm keeping an eye on it. It has gone down a little, but still not where I would like it to be. I have a follow up next month.
I am down to only one daycare child due to this wonderful economy that we are all facing. But hopefully the phone will ring and I can grab 1 or 2 more children to place in my care.
The tattoo shop is doing well and Ken keeps busy.

I'm very proud of him.

I have recently taken the girls belongings from my memorial table and have packed it all away. I leave a flower arrangement, candle, a small angel and a sign that that says, "There are angels among us" on our NEW table.
Their baskets, bonnets, clothes and jewelry are packed away in our bedroom, but are kept close to me at night while I sleep. This is a HUGE step for me. At 1st guilt was a factor, and I felt as if by packing their things away I was somehow betraying them. But I have grown to accept that I'm not. I'm not forgetting them or leaving them behind. Gabby and Abby play a part of our lives every day and not having their belongings displayed doesn't mean that I'm packing away the memories of them along with those items. That could NEVER happen.

For the the last few weeks I have also been working on our 2nd annual March of Dimes Tattooing to Save Babies fund raiser. It will be taking place on May 16th this year.

So that's about it for now. I just wanted you all to know that we are still here and moving in the right direction, "forward."

HUGS,
Colleen

Posted by GradyGabbyAbby | Comments: (13) | Permalink

REFLECTIONS....

Jan 25, 2009 07:22pm (EST)

There is a mix of emotions that run through me as I sit here in front of my computer reading my blog. And at times I even found myself with a few smiles and chuckles as the tears rolled down my face.

I have just spent the past 2 hours "reflecting" on the last year and half of my "past" posts. I have read and re read responses from all of you to me. These last few hours have been overwhelming to say the least.
As I look back on my life and all the ups and downs that have come with it, it surely has been a remarkable journey.
A journey that I have traveled with all of you, by my side. The inner, personal feelings and emotions I have shared with each of you, and most of all, the friends that I have made here.
It's astounding...

I sit here in amazement, as I think of how far I personally have come. How the days of complete darkness now seem like a faded memory to me. And those difficult lessons I have learned along the way are now a part of my very soul.
It completely amazes me, that during these past few years I have evolved into someone else, someone that I don't recognize at times, but have grown to accept.
I have found that through my own personal journey I have seen parts of life that I never knew existed, not until I walked in these shoes.
There has been so many different parts of my life that have changed. I have not only changed as a person, but the world around me has changed and how I see it.
The small things mean so much more, and have more meaning to me now. I look at nature in a new way. Butterflies, ladybugs, flowers and stars have a more significant meaning to me then before my girls came along.
Life itself is more cherished and treasured as I hold it closer to my heart.
I think of death more often and it frightens me, now more then ever. And I wonder-just wonder what's after this??

I'm now more "consciously aware" of my environment, like my senses have heightened and I take these surroundings in more completely now.
I have always been one to take most things to heart, but there are those days and those times, that I am more emotional then your average Joe. But does that make it wrong?? Surely not.
It makes me into the person that I am.

I haven't blogged on SHARE in nearly 3 weeks, and find that there are now those times I don't have very much to say. I have found that as I read through my past posts, my entries are mainly on my grief and the journey that has taken me from then to now.
I wanted, NO I *needed* to blog about grief, my personal grief and the journey and emotions that come with it.
I will forever be thankful for SHARE, and allowing me that time and that space to write about my girls, my family and my feelings. And knowing that Gabrielle and Abigail will never be forgotten means very much to me.
For writing has been a very big part of my healing. But more then that I have found friendships here.
I have found others that have been where I was, and together we walked this journey hand in hand.

All my love,
Colleen

Posted by GradyGabbyAbby | Comments: (6) | Permalink

A BIG, HUGE SIGH (NOT RELIEF)...

Jan 04, 2009 09:49am (EST)

Where do I start??!! (sigh...)
This holiday has certainly had it's fill of mixed emotions. From the excitement that grew each day leading up to Christmas and that infectious happiness that Grady portrayed and shared with us, to missing our girls, to the unexpected, tragic loss of one our closest friends.

Christmas was good, no it was great. Grady certainly got everything he wanted.

From a video game chair, to the *whole* NFL card collection, to a guitar hero for his Wii.
He loves every present he received from Mom and Dad and Santa. And the best part was seeing the excitement on his face as he unwrapped each of his gifts.

Yes, my 10 year old still wants to believe in that magical Santa Claus. He has questions and doubts. But like I keep telling him, if you want to believe then do. Don't let that magical feeling fade until your ready, I know I'm not.

Ken bought me a gorgeous watch and some perfume from Victoria Secret. Love it!!

And Ken got a new pair of frames for his glasses and some warm, fuzzy slippers. (well, not that fuzzy) lol... He said the slippers certainly make him feel "old."

He swears that he got the wrong gift and that the slippers were supposed to go to my Dad or his. lol...
But hey, they're isotoners. They are really nice slippers if you ask me. lol...
We spent Christmas Eve with Ken's mom and dad and then spent some time with the girls at the cemetery, to place their flowers on the headstones.
Just a random thought....
Why is it always so cold and windy there??? No matter what time of day or time of year it's always so cold and windy there. (sigh...) I think this spring I'll take a blanket out there and have lunch with Grady and spend some time with them.

Christmas Day was spent at our house. Grady had us up before 8 a.m. and the look on his face when he came into the living room was priceless.

Here are some of those Kodak moments.

Ken's and mine, Mom and Dad came and spent the day with us, had dinner and opened more gifts.
It was a really good time.

Three days later, we received a phone call from a good friend, that one of our closest friends was killed in a car accident.
We were in shock. In a way, I guess we still are. It doesn't seem real and at times I feel as if I'm walking in a fog. We were just out partying and dancing, having the time of our lives together, *just* 3 weeks ago.
His last words to me as he gave me a big bear hug was, "Colleen, you know I luv ya!!" What powerful words to leave with someone. (sigh...) He was like a brother to us and we are going to miss him greatly.
Tuesday was the viewing. What a difficult time that was for many. To see him lying in a casket and touching his cold body, and giving him that FINAL kiss goodbye. It was so hard, still is. I'm so used to seeing him laughing, and joking and having a good time.
You could NEVER have a serious conversations with him.

No matter how bad of a day you were having, Joe was there to cheer us up and lift our spirits. (sigh...)
We have many wonderful memories of our dear friend.
A day after hearing the news, we received another call asking if Ken would do Joe's eulogy. Ken's response was, "do I want to, yes, could I, No." It was too hard for him, and I can completely understand that. Instead we were asked to choose a personal poem from the both of us and to send it over to the funeral home to be printed on his funeral cards.

This is that poem:
"Perhaps my time seemed all too brief
Don’t lengthen it now with undue grief.
If my parting has left a void
Then fill it with remembered joy.
Be not burdened with times of sorrow
I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow."

His wife is doing well and holding her own. I thought she did remarkable at the service. I gave her a big hug and as we clung to each other she told me, "I could just kick his a**." I told her I could too, "He made me go out and buy expensive panty hose." She busted out laughing and buried her face in my coat. It was a bittersweet moment mixed with smiles and tears.
Wednesday, Joe was laid to rest beside his 1st wife that we lost to cancer 11 years ago.
I can only imagine what the 2 of them are doing, now that they are together. They were like two peas in a pod. So full of life. (sigh...) And now Gabby and Abby are with not only Aunt Carol, but Uncle Joe too.

I hope all my friends here in Shareland had a wonderful holiday season.
You all are never far from my thoughts.

Everyone take care.
Colleen

Posted by GradyGabbyAbby | Comments: (6) | Permalink

MERRY CHRISTMAS...

Dec 22, 2008 07:39pm (EST)

This time 3 years ago I thought, no I *felt* in my heart and soul that I would *never* have another "merry" Christmas as long as I lived. How could I, I had just lost one of the most precious things in my world. My daughter.
Gabrielle Lynn came to us at 22 weeks gestation, (December 7th) and my heart ached. Ached more then anything I had ever felt before. It was a pain that was unbearable on some days and I just didn't think having another happy moment in this life was possible.
Grief was a new journey for me and a lesson that I am continuing to travel and learn to this day.
But along the way, through these 3 years and a 2nd loss, I have learned so much.
It's a long and hard journey that has had it's fill of ups and downs. But in the long run, I have learned to be more patient, kind and to take less in life for granted.

I look at my son, husband, family and friends with these new eyes. I look at life through the eyes of a mom that has lost 2 daughters. And although I would be over joyed to have them here with me, to open up presents and see the excitement on their faces, I still have so many other good things in my life that "get me through" each day.
So this year, after 3 years of tears, heartache and pain I am having a "good" holiday thus far and moving forward.
Don't get me wrong, I miss my baby girls and think of them every day. And I "wonder" what our lives would be like to have them physically here with us. But I'm going to take this grief this broken heart, learn from it and mend. But I will never forget. I feel the need to type that, just to let not only me but my girls know, that they will NEVER be forgotten and that they are so loved.

In time, that pain and ache in your chest, it does lessen. And those days that I didn't think I was going to make it through, are just distant memories for me now.

I want to wish all my dear SHARE friends a VERY Merry Christmas and a wonderful holiday season.
If it wasn't for many of you, I don't know where I would be today.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grady before his school Christmas concert a few weeks ago:

Posted by GradyGabbyAbby | Comments: (10) | Permalink

A BIRTHDAY IN HEAVEN...

Dec 07, 2008 04:31pm (EST)

Today we celebrate Gabrielle's birth and death. Sometimes it seems so surreal to me. Today is one of those days.
Ken, Grady and I have a had a quiet day together. But it's been a good day overall.
We spent the morning in the cemetary, although not long. It's been freezing here and the wind chill makes it feel all the colder.
The three of us made pizza together this evening and we are going to watch a movie.
Later tonight we will eat birthday cake and remember our little girl.
We miss our Gabby terribly and wish nothing more then to have her here with us. But life is, what it is and over these past 3 years we have grown to accept this.

I found this poem on the internet and thought it was perfect for our birthday girl and to the many others that we have lost here at SHARE.
I'm thinking of each of you as you work through this diffiuclt time of year, as the holidays quickly approach us.
Please know that you are never alone.

"A BIRTHDAY IN HEAVEN"

by Kris Smith

I heard you cry yesterday
And felt your heart send love
So I'm sending you this message
From heaven up above

Your wondering if I'll celebrate
My birthday way up here
I know your missing me today
I feel your essance near

God planned a special day for me
He told me with a wink
He ordered me a special cake
It's an angel food, I think

I'm getting lots of hugs from God
He's really good at that
And every time that I walk by
He gives my head a pat

Balloons will fill the streets for me
They float up through the clouds
And we have lots of clowns up here
That make us laugh out loud

There is a birthday carousel
Jeweled horses ride the wind
With music playing oh so sweet
The magic never ends...

I've made so many friends, you see
We laugh and play and sing
We ride our bikes and play jump rope
And sleep in angels wings

We'll have our cake and ice cream
And open gifts, surprise!
But we don't blow out our candles here
Instead, they light the skies
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Happy Heavenly 3rd Birthday Baby girl.
All our love,
Mommy, Daddy and your big brother Gradon

Posted by GradyGabbyAbby | Comments: (17) | Permalink

AS THE DAY APPROACHES...

Dec 05, 2008 08:51am (EST)

This time three years ago, my families lives changed forever.

A few days prior, I noticed pressure and discomfort on my abdomen. I knew (call it a mother's intuition) that there was something really wrong.
After 2 early mis carriages and complications with Gradon, the signs were there and I was reading them loud and clear.
And fear struck me like a ton of bricks.

Without recounting all the details, I was placed on strict bed rest at the hospital. I had just been diagnosed with having a weak cervix and an emergency cerclage was unable to be preformed due to dilation.
And then the waiting began.
I only lasted over night before pleading with my OB to go home and remain on bed rest there instead. The waiting was torture for me. The past day and the next several days that laid ahead of us, I can't remember a time that there was a dry eye.
I felt I needed to be in the most comfortable place during this difficult time, and that was my home and with my family.

The only time I was allowed off of my couch was to use the bathroom and to get a shower. I remember each time I stood up I was thinking that the pressure and discomfort was increasing, and I was terrified.
We were hoping, praying that I would make it to the 24 week mark, the mark of viability. I was only 21 weeks 4 days.

I lasted 3 more days at home before coming to the realization that I needed to go back to labor and delivery. I was trying my best to prepare myself and my family for the worse outcome. But honestly, there is *no* way you can be prepared for what was about to happen to us, less then 48 hours later.
Ken and I had decisions to make, decisions that no parent should ever have to face. There were phone calls, there were visits from our priest, there was communion and there were prayers to give us strength.
I was mentally, emotionally and physically drained. And this was only the beginning.
The beginning of a time when our lives would change forever and we would become different people.

Love,
Colleen
P.S. I thank God every day for my son. He is my life, my world and my heart.

I'm missing Gabrielle terribly right now. HUGS!!

Posted by GradyGabbyAbby | Comments: (9) | Permalink

HAPPY BIRTHDAY G-MAN!!

Nov 18, 2008 07:45am (EST)

Can you believe it??!! Grady turned 10 years old today!! I literally, literally have tears in my eyes.

(sniff...sniff...) My baby is growing up so fast. I remember bringing him home from the hospital a few days before Thanksgiving 10 years ago. He's an amazing kid and I am so proud of him.
We went out last night and picked up cupcakes for him to take to school today, to share with his classmates. He is SOOO excited.

In the car on the way to school this morning he was telling me, "Mommy just think I'm almost a teenager!!" What??!! I can't bear to think of that right now. I told him, "Grady, please hunny don't rush it. Let Mommy get used to the idea of you being 10."

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEETHEART. HAVE A TERRIFIC DAY. MOMMY & DADDY LOVE YOU!!

Here's the latest pic of Grady while doing his homework last night.
Ain't he a cutie pie?!!

Posted by GradyGabbyAbby | Comments: (7) | Permalink

PROUD ACCOMPLISHMENTS...

Nov 05, 2008 09:24am (EST)

I still miss the "what could of been's" and "what should of been's" with my girls. These missing pieces will never be filled and can't be put back together. I very much wish I could complete this puzzle. But without all the pieces, it's impossible to do.

I'm struggling with hearing and reading about other's good fortunes in blogs and short stories and life outside the internet.
Pregnancies and healthy full term babies being born. The milestones that are being accomplished in leaps and bounds, while I have 2 daughters buried in a cemetery 10 minutes away from our home, that I can not even bring myself to visit.

Gabby and Abby should be here in *this* home, in their beds, not in God's home while their bodies lie in caskets 6 feet under the earth.
Right now I am feeling the BIG green monster hovering over me and envy is a trait I don't wish to carry around with me.
I've been fighting this feeling of "envy" that I have been carrying on my shoulders for the past several weeks. It's like a sin, and I should be ashamed of myself for even feeling this way. And in a way, I guess I am ashamed or I wouldn't be blogging about it.
Lately I've been taking a step back, a breather if you will. Taking the time for myself and with my family and reflecting on my life. Reflecting on what's physically here and tangible, and what's not. Sometimes it helps me to back away and look at the big picture. Other times it's an uphill battle to over come and the picture becomes cloudy. This time it's a battle and a little more fuzzy then I would like. But I'm getting there, and the picture is coming into focus slowly but surely.

I think alot of how I am feeling stems from Gabrielle Lynn's birthday and angelversary approaching next month. I don't really stop and think about the dates too much. It's not like I'm looking for a time to feel more sad then usual. My heart and mind just *know* and every year around the same time I get a little more "blue."
While my son will be celebrating his 10th birthday on November 18th here with us, it will once again be without his sisters.
That's tough. To put on a happy face for him while I'm struggling with my feelings and emotions over the girls.

I'm so proud of Gradon and all that he has, and continues to accomplish in his life. He has a heart of gold, is loving and caring towards others. He's all that I could ever want in a son.
He is my pride and joy and he is my life. But he does all this without his sisters, and that gives me a heavy heart to this day.

Grady's latest journey was going to the championship football game last week. I know that he had 2 very special little angels watching over him, guiding him. I like to think the girls are a big part of those accomplishments he faces and triumphs.
It was truly a wonderful feeling to watch him be a part of something so big and that made him so happy. My heart was full of pride and love as I watched him block and tackle his opponents and take pride in his hard work, as they fought for that championship title. I thought I would explode with all that love and pride that filled my heart for my only surviving child.
Unfortunately after a very heroic effort on the teams behalf they lost that championship game.
There were tears from coaches, team members and parents. It was an emotional time, but a proud moment for many as well. I know Gabby and Abby were just as proud of thier big brother as Ken and I are. He's an amazing young man and his sisters are a big part of who he is today.
Gabby and Abby are not "physically" here with us and will never celebrate with us these accomplishments and triumphs.
Grady will never get to *see* that proud expression come across his sisters face as they cheer him on in silence.
He can only "imagine" how proud they are of him, as they shine down on him from heaven.

Our all star football team.
(Grady is in the front row, 3rd from the left. Jersey #61)

Colleen

Posted by GradyGabbyAbby | Comments: (9) | Permalink

POOCH PARTY...

Oct 29, 2008 06:39am (EST)

This a FUN blog that I just HAD to share with you all. It's been a good week!!
1st a short update on us.

We are all doing well. Grady's football team won the playoffs on Sunday and we have one more game on Saturday to win to get to regionals. in NJ. Keep your fingers crossed.
The boys and the "G man" are STOKED!!
GO COUGARS!!

Ken leaves tomorrow for a few days to go to Pittsburg and then 2 weeks after that he will be in Chicago. Both are for tattoo conventions. Woohoo!! Did I say that out loud. lol... No seriously, I will miss him but the 1st few days of freedom are always nice.

Me, my life revolves around my son. and he is keeping me plenty busy.

He is loving chorus at school and we just signed him up for indoor soccer a few weeks ago which starts after the holidays.
I'm also in the midst of making Grady's Birthday invitations for his (are you ready for this?? I'm not)

10th birthday party. I can't believe it!! But that's for another blog. lol...
Sorry, I'm getting off track here.

Onto the title of this blog...

My best friend from high school and I just recently got back in touch with each other and I am so glad that we did. I didn't know how much I missed her till we started hanging out again.

It's alot like high school still, in a sense that we call, email (although there wasn't emails when we were in school),

every day and have lunch once or twice a month. We try to get together as often as our busy schedules allows.

Anyway, she just turned 40 this week and her and I are getting together for lunch to "celebrate". I can't believe she's 40!! And the scary thing is, I'm not too far behind!!

Diana (my best friend) has no children, well I guess in a way she does but they consists of 4 dogs and 3 cats.

They are her pride and joy and I swear they are treated better then some kids I know. lol...
A few weeks ago we were invited to our very first "pooch party" as I like to call it.

One of Diana pets was having a birthday and she invited us and several others over for doggy cake and ice cream.

It was a hoot!! I loved it. And we even had our wiener dog Scooby Doo come with us. I was a bit worried how he was going to do with all the other animals, but overall he did well. At the end of the night Scooby was completely tuckered out and ready to go home. But it was fun!! Here are some pics.

HUGS!!

The birthday girl!!

"Somebody please take off this stupid hat!!"

Scooby waiting for *his* piece of cake.

The Party animal is beat!!

Posted by GradyGabbyAbby | Comments: (7) | Permalink

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