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A JOURNAL FOR GRADY, GABBY & ABBY

[GradyGabbyAbby]

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GradyGabbyAbby

July 2010
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SCHOOL AND FOOTBALL...

Sep 03, 2008 06:38am (EST)

Gradon is now in the 4th grade (Wow, so hard to believe)!! This is the 2nd week for us and he seems to be adjusting well. But then again, Gradon has always been the outgoing type. Doesn't let too many things hold him back. lol...
His teacher this year is Mrs. S. Mrs. S and I graduated high school together and was a dear friend of mine. I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing though. She knows too many of my high school secrets. lol... But truly, I'm glad that Grady has her this year and so far we have gotten off to a "good" start.
Gradon had a procedure (minor) done last Thursday at the uroligist in Anne Arundel Medical. He was such a champ though. I was the one that was a *wuss* about the whole thing. Ken kept telling me, "stop babying him Colleen." I can't help it, it's just me, I *have* to baby him-a little.
About 24 hours after the procedure (Mr. Happy just didn't look so happy anymore). It was raw, puffy and bleeding. My heart sank, but Grady never complained. Not once. He's such a trooper. And is now healing nicely and back to his old routines.
Thursday evening after the procedure we had to be at the football field by 6 p.m. for weigh in. Yes, Grady is in another year of football and he absolutely LOVES it. He lives and breathes this stuff I swear he does.
Anyway, on our way back home we have to go over the Chesapeake Bay bridge. Which by the way all lanes but one are shut down due to corrosion (NICE). This needless to say slows traffic to a near snail pace.
Gradon's procedure was at 2 p.m and we were on the bridge by 3. There was a 8 mile back up when we got there and by the time we got half way across, it jumped to a 10 mile back up. Not good. I was panicking that we wouldn't make weigh in on time and they have very strict rules, that you have to follow.
It normally takes us 45 minutes to an hour to get home from the bridge. This time it took us nearly 3 1/2 hours to get to the football field, but we made it in time for weigh in (arrived at 6:15). Shoooo!!
The coach weighed Grady in 1st due to the fact that we were not able to stay for practice. I needed to get him home for a soak in the tub and re apply anti biotic creme to "Mr. Happy."
Grady's weigh in did not go so well. He was 3 lbs over the limit. The coach let me know that the kids are allowed to miss 2 weigh ins. Grady has missed his 1st (Thursday) and he needs to be weighed in again on Saturday before the 1st game (which he couldn't play anyway due to the procedure). Which meant we had to lose those 3 lbs by Saturday morning. Was that even possible??!!
So Thursday night and all day Friday he had nothing but chicken broth, jello and water. (I know not the most nutritious meals in the world but we had to crash diet at this point).
My stomach was in knots, because I know how much football means to my guy. I was just keeping my fingers crossed that weigh in on Saturday was going to go well.
We get up Saturday morning, and seriously I'm a nervous wreck by this point.
I asked Gradon if he wanted to check his weight on our scales here at the house before we left, but he didn't want to. Can't much blame him.
We get to the field and once again, the coach takes Grady over to weigh him 1st. I was standing there beside him and as I look over at the coach he gets this smile on his face and gives us a thumbs up. The relief, was pure happiness. Grady was jumping up and down, and I was grinning ear to ear. He quickly realized that jumping up and down was not the best thing he should be doing at that moment (due to Mr. Happy) and came over and gave me a hug. But then thought all his football buddies may be watching and at lightning speed pulled away from me. Guess I should be grateful for that 2 second squeeze I got. lol...
It was a great feeling and I think more then anything else Grady proved to himself, that if you want something, truly want it and work at it, it can be done.
I'm such a proud Momma!!

P.S. Just a few football practice pics I wanted to share with you all.

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Colleen
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THOUGHTS ON ADOPTION...

Aug 27, 2008 05:28am (EST)

There was a time when Ken and I thought how wonderful our lives would be raising 2 children. We had even discussed having a family back when we were seniors in high school. We knew what a big responsibility it must be to be parents, and knew in our hearts that raising 2 children would make our family whole someday even at the young age of 18.
Ken proposed to me when we were 19 and we married at the age of 20. Many, including family members didn't think we would make it more then 2 years together. There were some that actually placed bets amongst each other. And the deal was that after those 2 years who ever was the closest to guessing the month would get the pot.
Well, we certainly showed them, and the pot was given to us instead.

After several years of trying to get pregnant and suffering 2 early miscarriages, we accepted that having children were not in the cards for us. Then came Grady 2 years later!! What a joy it was to actually hold my full term baby boy in my arms and to bring him home from the hospital.
I didn't think life could be any better and I couldn't possibly be any happier. Since it took us so long (almost 10 years) for Grady's arrival. We decided to wait till Grady was in grade school before having our 2nd child. I wanted to be able to be there for Gradon through the precious years from being an infant to becoming a toddler, and then into grade school. I was able to be there, and to enjoy my son without the distraction of a younger sibling. I was very fortunate to be home with him through these wonderful milestones, and I don't regret one second of that.

When Grady was about 6 years old Ken and I decided it was a good time to try and have our 2nd child. And within a years time we found out we were pregnant and were over joyed.
Unfortunately our daughter arrived pre maturely and died an hour later in my arms. A heart ache like no other I have ever felt. With determination we decided to try again, this time taking pre cautions and making arrangements for bed rest if necessary. I received a cerclage at 13 weeks and 6 weeks later our 2nd daughter arrived. Her heart stopped beating 3 hours later in Ken's arms while I was undergoing surgery having the after birth removed. We couldn't believe that we would have to make (yet again) arrangements for our daughters burial and service.

Since enduring our losses, Ken and I have bounced around the idea of adoption. Which at one time sounded like a wonderful opportunity for us. Grady would gain a sibling, while we would be able to raise a 2nd child. But the kicker is, it's not OUR child we would be raising. It's not our daughters. And although I would love nothing more then to have my girls here with us. I have come to a point in my life that using all the energy towards grief, towards asking myself all the why's and what if's, is taking that precious time away from my son.
Please don't mis understand me, there is not a day or even a few hours that pass that I don't think about and miss my girls. But I have come to realize that my son is here with me now and he is living, breathing, growing and doing wonderful things. I want to be here to "enjoy" that time, not grieve what could of been.
I refuse to take the energy towards some thing that is not tangible, and that I can not see and waste it. When I can turn that energy into something that holds life. My son.

I will focus on raising my only surviving child, because I don't get a 2nd chance. And right now adopting a child would only, once again take away precious time from my son who has been through losing 2 sisters.
He deserves more then that, he deserves a Mom.
When Gradon is all grown and on his own raising his own family, I don't want to sit back and say to myself.
"I regret not being there for him."

HUGS
Colleen
Love to my kids,
Grady, Gabby and Abby
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BIRTHDAY & ANGELVERSARY...

Aug 18, 2008 05:03am (EST)

I just wanted to take a moment and thank all my good friends here at SHARE for all the wonderful messages and texts I received yesterday. I seriously don't know what I would do without you guys.
Yesterday was Abigail's 2nd birthday. We spent our day together as a family swimming in the pool, BBQ(ing) and remembering our little girl.
Ken and Grady went and picked out Abigail's cake. I stayed home this time, just hanging out and reminiscing the short time we had with our precious little angel, but I did so silently.
We all woke up saying that today was the day, but no other words were spoken. Each of us were caught up in our thoughts throughout the day.
Sometimes the remembering is still heart breaking and yesterday was difficult, but not un bearable.
In the evening we each had a slice of birthday cake at the exact time she was born. (9:30 p.m.)
I silently said happy birthday to my Abby girl and said a short prayer to God to continue to keep my girls in his embrace. Sending each of them HUGE heavenly hugs and kisses.

Today is Abigail's angelversary. We continue to hold her near and dear to our hearts.

Abigail,
Mommy misses you sweetie. Please give your sister a hug for us. There is never a day that goes by that we do not think of the both of you. Our sweet, sweet girls.
All our love,
Mommy, Daddy and Grady

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ABIGAIL MARIE. WE MISS YOU AND LOVE YOU WITH ALL OUR HEARTS!!

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SIGH...TAKE A DEEP BREATH...

Aug 15, 2008 03:50pm (EST)

As Abigail's 2nd birthday (Sunday) and angelversary (Monday) approaches I find myself struggling again.
I find that when I see or approach other women the 1st thing I want to do is look at their tummy to see if they are pregnant. Like I can change anything if they are.
Why am I doing this?? I'm not sure. Maybe it's because I have another birthday coming up and my sweet girls aren't here to share a piece of that cake with us, or open any of those girly presents I SO want to buy.
Grady and I will be picking out a cake for Abby on Sunday. I can't get Ken to go and pick out the cake with us though. At least the last time he didn't, maybe this year will be different I don't know. But I'm not pushing him and I can understand how doing certain things only bring out emotions that run deep.
I hate to even think that we as a family have to be in this situation. Lately Ken's been having a hard time too.
Lately, when we see little girls around our girls ages I see tears in Ken's eyes. It literally breaks my heart to know the pain he is in, is still very much there. I can't change it I know, but I would like to make that pain easier on him. He deserves better then that.
Grady is doing pretty well and is excited about picking out a cake for Abigail. He wants a "Hannah Montana" chocolate cake for her this year. I had to kinda chuckle at that, considering *if* she was here she would only be 2 years old and have no clue as to who Hannah Montana even is. But it's sad too. Because she will NEVER know.
I still very much miss the "what could of been's" that's hard to get over. And honestly I don't think I ever will get over it, I just get through it one day at at time. I deal with it and that's all I can do.

My sister called me last week to see how I was making out, knowing that Abby's birthday was coming up. It was a sweet gesture but only stirred the pot of emotions for me. Today she calls me to tell me that her and her ex are trying to work things out only to complete the sentence by saying, "if he gets a reversal vasectomy and has a baby with me." Needless to say, my heart dropped into the pit of my stomach thinking about my own girls and I instantly became angry. What was she thinking??!! Did she forget that quickly that her niece (who is not even here) has a birthday on Sunday.
I know that life goes on and it doesn't stop on behalf of my losses. But there are times that I truly wish it did. I hope that doesn't sound selfish of me.

This weekend is our town's Summerfest. They close down main street, put up vendors of our local businesses, have really good food, games and fire truck rides. My parents, Grady and I will be selling ice cream again this year and proceeds will go towards the MOD.
Saturday night is a huge fireworks display, and it's alot of fun.

But Summerfest is always a bit sad for me too . I had Abigail around that time 2 years ago and we lost her a few hours later.
I was home recuperating, not able to make Summerfest because of a very difficult delivery.
Sometimes I wonder how I ever made it through such a traumatic time in my life, not once but twice.
And then I think of SHARE.

HUGS,
Colleen
Love to my kids,
Grady, Gabby and Abby
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FUN AND FUNDRAISING...

Aug 07, 2008 07:40am (EST)

Ok, I just have to say that last Saturday's fund raiser overall went really well. Our shop alone raised close to $1500.00 and we are still receiving some donations. They are trickling in, but they're still coming. Thank you to EVERYONE who contributed. You guys are the BOMB DIGGITTY!! lol...
But truly, the hightlight of my day was spending time with close friends from SHARE.
It was AWESOME!! And can I just say, we HAVE to do this more often guys. Not so much the tattooing part, but just getting together.

The fund raiser began at 12 noon, but because of Grady's football practice I was not able to get there till close to 1:00. At about 1:30 there's a tap on my shoulder (I was talking to a girlfriend of mine from high school). I turned around to see Kate, Denise and James. Big hugs all around!! I love mesome hugs!! lol...
Then I look over and there is this strange guy I had never seen before. Kate introduced me, and it was her brother Noah. I have to say that I thought Noah was GREAT!! He was so sweet, to put up with all our shenanigans. lol... Thanks so much for joining us Noah, Love ya too!!

As most of you have already read from Denise's blog, Kate was our 1st "victim" to get a tattoo from our little group. She was such a champ. Job well done Kate!!
2nd to go was Denise. Ok, I just have to say poor Denise was stressing herself out over this. I hope it wasn't as bad as you anticipated my dear friend. But she did it!! And I am SUPER proud of her. She did great.
Next was James. He's been tattooed before as well as Kate, but he did get a larger tattoo and it turned out wonderful I think. Although, I guess I'm partial to that because of who did the tattooing. lol...
And yes, he was cussing like a trucker when we left the tattoo shop. It was hilarious!!
We walked across the street to a pub for some relaxation and play video games. (Ms. Pac Man Queen-Denise) She loves hersome Pac Man. Seriously. lol...
James said the tattoo really hurt, but he did great.
Woo Hoo, you the man James!!

Oh I was just told, HUGS to you all from Grady!! Denise, I'll have a picture in the café for you.

I thought of the girls often throughout the day. Thinking that it was because of them I had these wonderful people around me. It was because of my girls I push to raise awareness and money so that no child and no parent will know the effects of prematurity. And I only shed light tears that day. But they were tears of joy, for I knew in my heart that Gabrielle and Abigail were watching over us, smiling.

We had an amazing time. And I'm so glad that some of my closest friends were able to spend such a special day with me and my family.
It meant the world to us.

Love you guys!!
Colleen

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MARCH OF DIMES-TATTOOING TO SAVE BABIES...

Jul 29, 2008 04:54am (EST)

Four days and counting!! I can't believe the time is almost here. It seems like only a month ago Ken and I were in the beginning stages and making plans. Time just goes by way too fast.
I say a prayer every day that we have decent weather and that all goes well for our fund raiser. This is our 1st, and we plan to make this an annual event.
Ken has asked 2 more tattoo artist to help out with the event, so we will have a total of 4 tattooist.
If all comes that has responded (which I add has been amazing), we may have well over 100 people arriving for tattoos that day.
I am both excited and scared. I think the apprehension is the worst part.
We just want everything to go smoothly.
Wish us luck!!

Below is a copy of our story and the link to our website if anyone is interested in seeing it. We have added a map showing people from all over the world who has checked it out. Right now we have over 5,000 hits!! AMAZING!!

Tattooing to Save Babies
1201 Tuckahoe Court
Denton, MD 21629

Saturday August 2nd, Black Anchor Tattoo in Denton, MD
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As parents to 2 premature children the March of Dimes has been an amazing source of strength and support to our family. They continue to fund and find amazing ways to save a child that has been born too soon. Through education and awareness we can fight against babies being born pre maturely and having to face life long disabilities and even infant mortality.

1 in every 8 babies that are born, are born prematurely. Pre maturity affects many of us, whether it is your family, a friend, neighbor or co-worker pre maturity does not discriminate against.

As many of you know we have a beautiful, healthy boy Gradon, who is now 9 years old. But we have also faced many hardships. Pre maturity has affected our family in ways that NO parent should ever know. Ken and I had 2 beautiful daughters in December 2005 and August 2006. Gabrielle Lynn and Abigail Marie were born pre maturely at 22 and 19 weeks gestation. Gabby was with us 1 hour while Abby was with us for 3. I have since been diagnosed with an incompetent cervix and was told by doctors and professionals that I carrying a child to term was very slim.
Since the loss of our daughters, Ken, Gradon and I continue to fight the battle against pre maturity.
With your help we can help save future parents and their children from the devastating effects pre maturity impacts on many every day.

Thank you for taking the time to read our story and to help us on our journey saving babies.
Doesn't every baby deserve a chance at life?

For any further information or to contact Krooked Ken please feel free to email at:

krookedken@gmail.com

Thank You For Your Support

With the kindest regards, we are sincerely yours,

Krooked Ken and Colleen Motter

http://www.blackanchortattoo.com/tattooingtosavebabies.html


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PAINFUL MEMORIES...

Jul 15, 2008 05:35am (EST)

As I laid in bed last night reading (it was after midnight) my eyes felt heavy and I closed my book. Instantly I was thrown back into the past and vividly, very vividly the memories of my 1st daughter began to play out like on the reels of an old movie projector. Not of her birth but of her death.
I recall her crying, the sounds of a kitten. They were bittersweet sounds to my ears. As tears streamed down my face then, as it did so last night I wanted to push these memories away. But was unable to and the movie in my head began to play out.

Gabrielle Lynn was born on December 7, 2005 and placed in my arms.
She had the sweetest angelic face. I looked to Ken and said "she looks just like Gradon." She was beautiful and she was our daughter.
I could see her little heart beat through her thin, bruised skin and I wanted so badly for the doctors and nurses to save her. But I never said those words, I just *thought* them. I knew the outcome, and I had to see it through.
Ken and I took turns holding Gabrielle and I can recall the love and the pain in Ken's eyes as he held his 1st daughter. I could see that all he wanted to do was to run out of the room with her and to tell someone, anyone to please save her.
I wanted so badly to take this pain away from husband and to tell him that everything was going to alright.

As I held Gabby and watched her stretch and wiggle she grabbed my pinky finger. I was amazed at how small but detailed her hands were, fingernails and all. She never let go, and I didn't want her to.
She tried so hard to breathe as she struggled to take in air, gasping.
It was one of the most painful things to watch.
I began to panic, looking to my doctor saying that she is gasping for air. He told me it was normal, that it would stop soon. I cried out, "I don't want her to suffer like this!!" The doctor came to my side and said, "Colleen she is not suffering. She knows that her Mommy has her."
I held her close and rocked her. I told her "we love you and that it's ok to go to sleep now sweetie. Mommy and daddy are here."
(As I type this the computer screen is becoming fuzzy through my tears)
The nurse would come in every few minutes to check on us and to check Gabrielle's heart beat.
I can remember my nurse coming in and placing the stethoscope on Gabby's chest one last time. Gabby had finally stopped gasping for air a few minutes prior to that and now she laid still in my arms. I knew in my heart that she was gone, but I had to know for sure. So I asked the nurse "is she gone?" She nodded her head. But Gabby never let go of my pinky. She held on to me as she took that last breath. It's a moment in my life that was the most painful but most loving act.
I held Gabrielle close to me once more and rocked her as I sobbed. These were tears that I never knew existed. They were the tears of a Mom that had just lost her daughter.

The nurse finally came back into the room asking us if it was ok if she took her to have her picture taken and that we should do so soon. The longer we waited the more her skin would begin to wrinkle and lose it's texture.
I let her take her, my heart broken forever and my arms feeling empty.

Several minutes later our nurse brought Gabrielle back to us. She was dressed in the smallest pink sweater I had ever seen and wore a bonnet upon her head. She was wrapped in a hospital blanket and laid in my arms.
She was getting colder now so they told us that a heating lamp would be brought in to keep her as warm as possible.
For the next 8 hours Ken and I held our daughter and talked to her as if she could hear us. I rocked her like any other baby I held in my arms.
We kissed her a thousand kisses and then finally let her go.
We left the hospital with empty arms that evening. But our hearts full of love for our daughter, Gabrielle Lynn. A love that we still hold to this very day.

HUGS,
Colleen
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OUR VACATION

Jul 12, 2008 07:18am (EST)

Ken, Grady and I really enjoyed our selves in Myrtle Beach. The great thing about being there is that there is SO much stuff to do.
One afternoon we hit the waterpark, which Grady LOVED.
One evening was spent at the Amusement park which was a blast. Grady and I love the water flume ride!! Grady actually rode it 3 times!! Once was enough for me though. And the bumper cars, that left me in stitches!!
The next night was putt, putt golf. OMG they have HUGE golf courses in MB. The one we went to was called "Jungle Lagoon" and it's exactly how it sounds. Full of jungle themes and plenty of water. It was Humongous and so much fun.
Another evening we went to "Medieval Times." A dinner and show that included, knights on horses, jousting, a prince and princess and a banquet of food (no utensils of course).
Each person that entered the arena had to wear a certain colored crown. Ours was red and yellow, which stood for the color knight we would be cheering on through out the show. Everyone else around you at other tables were your enemies. It was GREAT!!
Needless to say, our knight was killed towards the end of the show which really sucked. Grady was devastated, but made a quick recovery when the BAD green knight was killed by the heroic prince.
It was an incredible show and lasts about 2 hours. If you ever get the opportunity to go, I would highly recommend it.

As some of you may have seen on Tracy's (AngelLove) blog, I had the privledge to meet her and her family while we were on vacation. Let me just say, Tracy and Ansley are so sweet.
It was the highlight of my vacation to finally meet and hang out with them.
We were able to spend a wonderful evening together at a place called, "Broadway on the Beach." Full of dining (at Joe's Crabshack), shopping, (I love me some shopping-don't I Tracy) and a beautiful display of fireworks to end such a nice evening.
Would you believe me if I told you Tracy, that on our last night we RETURNED to Broadway on the Beach and did MORE shopping!!?? lol...
To end my post for today I have attached some pics. It overall was a really nice getaway, and a vacation that holds many wonderful memories for me.
I'm so glad that Tracy and Ansley are a part of that.
HUGS,
Colleen
Love to my kids,
Grady, Gabby and Abby

1. The water park
2. Putt Putt Golf at Jungle Lagoon
3, 4, and 5. Medieval Times
6. Broadway at the Beach
7. Ansley and Gradon (This pic was taken with Ken's cell phone camera.) I forgot my digital!! UGH!! Tracy's pic turned out so much better.
8. Our Hassellhoff (Gradon on the beach) By the way, he loves to boogie board!!

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I'M BACK!!

Jul 07, 2008 06:35am (EST)

It's always great to get away, but *really* it's nice to get home too.
Ken, Grady and I had a great vacation. Lots of stuff to tell you all!! So I will start at the beginning.
On our way into North Carolina we ran into a heck of a thunderstorm. Came with downpours, streaks of lightning and hail. The whole nine yards!! Needless to say we had to find somewhere to duck out of the mess till it blew over. I kept waiting for that funnel to pop out of the sky from nowhere.
We found a bank in a small town and sat there for more then 20 minutes waiting it out. I took some pics. Not sure if the hail is going to show up or not but you can see the rain and there was plenty of flooding on the streets. It was a doozzie!!
We made it to the resort about 2 hours later and upon unpacking the car we found that the hood, roof and trunk now look like the dimples on a golf ball!! Glad we have insurance. So that was the first thing we had to do when we were settled into the room, call Nationwide and make a claim. They are going to love us for this one!! Ken is taking the car in for a claims inspection tomorrow morning.

Ok, so we get settled and order a pizza and then hit the hay from total exhaustion.
For the next week we pretty much had the same routine down in the mornings. Coffee, beach, pool, lunch and then something special for the evening hours. Every night we did something different. It was totally AWESOME!!
Now I am recuperating from all the fun!! But it was totally worth it. I even behaved and stuck to a 4 drink (per evening) minimum while we were there.
I have so much more to "share" with you guys, but I'll wrap it up in my next blog. I don't want this getting too long with too many pics. It'll take forever to upload for you. lol...

Hope everyone is well. I'll be checking in on you!!
It's great to be back!!

HUGS,
Colleen
Love to my kids
Grady, Gabby and Abby

Storm a brewin

Approaching Myrtle Beach

Myrtle Beach a room with a view
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MYRTLE BEACH HERE WE COME...

Jun 25, 2008 05:18am (EST)

Well, we are down to the last day before leaving on our vacation!! I'm really looking forward to this.
Our plan is to pack up the car this evening and be on the road no later then 8 a.m. tomorrow. We'll see if we can meet our goal. I have a tendency to be late for EVERYTHING!!
Ken and I have been so stressed out lately over work. Things have been really getting to us lately. I think a vacation is well overdue. Our goal is to come back refreshed and re charged. I know Grady is SO excited about our trip!!

As I continue to pack our bags, I do leave with a bit of a heavy heart though. I'm really going to miss you all.
How 'bout I just stick you guys in my suitcases and take you along with me? Since I can't do that, I will be sure to take lots and lots of pictures.
Karri, I will try my best on trying to figure out how to bottle up that beachy smell for you and record the sound of the waves. I've already gotten my new book, "Odd Thomas, Odd Hours" by Dean Koontz. I am mystery, horror fanatic. So sitting out on the beach reading a book with a cocktail in hand is just what I need.

Thank you everyone for all your well travel wishes.
It's going to be a LONG drive!! Tom Tom tells us 9 hours and 15 minutes to be exact!! Like I said, long drive.
Grady and I stopped at the store yesterday to pick up a game to plug into our car DVD player. He picked out Jeopardy. I figured this was a good choice, since we could *all* participate in guessing the answers to this while we are driving. Grady can read the questions while we all try and guess the right answer. It should be FUN!!
Grady is also bringing some movies to watch on our drive. "Nacho Libre, Shrek Three, Meet the Robinsons and Star Wars" (the original, which is my personal favorite).
We have our Ipods and gameboys too. So that should keep him busy for a whole hour or so. lol...

I hope that everyone stays well and safe on SHARE. Know that I will be thinking of you all and missing you guys.

See you on July 7th!!

HUGS,
Colleen
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