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ETHAN & CASEY'S MOM

ethan&casey's mom

May 2008

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TRANSFER COMPLETE! NOW I REST

May 12, 2008 04:07pm (EST)

Well, I am no longer a rookie in the IVF world. I have completed the last step in the process -- the transfer. Even though my first IVF cycle was a lot longer process than all my other infertility treatments with my old RE, it seemed a lot less stressful. Perhaps I have grown and matured over the last year and was able to handle the stress a lot more. And I hope this little embryo likes its home and plans to stay for nine months.

Since my retrieval last week, I have had to monitor urine output, weight and abdomen measurements every day. Because I was highly stimulated, they wanted to make sure that I wasn't suffering the ill effects of hyperstimulation. So, before the transfer this morning -- I had an ultrasound. If things looked good -- the transfer would be OK'd. If things didn't -- no go.

Well, turns out that my ovaries are enlarged and I have fluid in my abdominal cavity. Grr.... I knew this could happen but hoped it didn't. Well, when the dr. came in to talk to us -- she said it was her recommendation that because we had 8 beautiful grade A embryos that had made it to blast stage -- that we could freeze them and try for next month. Even if one or two didnt' freeze well, we'd still have the others. Or, I could take a chance and go for it -- which is what she'd tell me if I had had only a few make it to blast stage.

She said I have more than a 50 percent chance of dealing with ovarian hyperstimulation -- and if this results in a pregnancy -- it could get worse. Bloating, nausea, etc. Evidentally, it's not pretty. And just because I haven't had any symptoms since the retrieval doesn't mean they won't crop up in a few days.

I took the news like a trooper -- much more calmly than I thought I would. I asked if I could have a few minutes to think about it. When I asked my husband what he thought, he said, "it's your body. you know what you can handle." Not the answer I was looking for. I said, "yes, it is my body -- but this is our quest. How do you feel about me putting myself at risk for this to happen?" He kind of circled back to the same answer as before -- that I knew how much I could handle. Then when he went out to get the doctor -- he didn't say, "we've made a decision." He said, "she's ready to talk now." Men -- they just don't get it!!!

So, I decided to go for it. When the doctor was telling me the complications that could result -- I kept hearing this voice in my head and in my heart saying, "go for it, Erin. go for it." I felt it was the right decision. I'll take the consequences. And, isn't that what being a mom's all about? Willing to sacrifice yourself for your kids -- or in this case -- potential kid?

The doctor told me she accepted my decision and we'd go for it. My acupuncturist came the appt too -- and she gave me a treatment before the transfer and afterward (have to lie still for 30 minutes). That helped relax me.

Too bad she couldn't have been in there during the transfer. The doctor had a hard time finding my cervix, so she had to switch speculums. Then, she had to switch catheters that contained my embryo. Before she started the actual transfer -- she had to wash my cervix with some kind of fluid. The whole thing was ultrasound guided -- so on top of the doc repositioning the speculum half a dozen times, my full bladder (a requirement for a transfer -- helps float the uterus up so that she has a straight shot with the catheter) and the ultrasound tech pushing down on my abdomen, it was a little uncomfortable. I think I was even shaking and near tears at one point. But I made it.

So -- in eight days from today -- May 20, I'll find out if it worked or not. Until then -- lighter work days, stay off my feet and when lying down -- keep them elevated. Three pills of metformin each day and intramuscular PIO shots. Daily continued monitoring of my abdomen, urine output and weight. Definitely a small price to pay for what great things could lie ahead.

erin

Posted by ethan&casey's mom | Comments: (4) | Permalink

FERTILIZATION REPORT -- LOOKS GOOD!

May 08, 2008 01:31pm (EST)

Well,
I got a call this morning that 14 of the 18 eggs retrieved yesterday had fertilized! That's pretty cool. Guess they prefer a sterile, ordered environment to do their work instead of the warmth of home turf!

All of my measurements were normal this morning. I need to call in tomorrow with my urine, girth and weight stats and I can then ask how my embies are doing. I'll go in saturday morning for an ultrasound. if everything looks good -- no twisted ovaries, swelling, etc. -- then we'll do a transfer on monday.

They didn't seem too thrilled that I was working today -- even though I am at home. They suggested i work at home tomorrow -- and get as much rest as I can. And -- stay hydrated. I asked hubby to pick up gatorade on his way home today.

Will post again this weekend with the next report. Hopefully, it's a go!

Received a mother's day card from the ladies who run the support group I went to a few times. It felt kind of odd to be receiving one -- considering I haven't felt like a "mom" in the traditional sense since I don't have my sons with me. Last year -- my first year -- i focused on my mom. I'll do the same this year. How have others handled this day?

erin

Posted by ethan&casey's mom | Comments: (1) | Permalink

A TURN OF EVENTS

May 07, 2008 03:17pm (EST)

In my last post, I said that because my estrogen level was so high that i was teetering on the brink of only being able to do an egg retrieval -- and not a transfer. Well, monday afternoon i get a call that my estrogen had gone from 5,100+ to 7,000 -- without meds. Because of that -- they said no transfer. Too dangerous and i run the risk of ovarian hyperstimulation. I felt like i got socked in the stomach. Nothing's ever easy.

Yesterday, I moped around. Got into an argument with my husband last night about a few things -- one of which is not seeming outwardly supportive of all the stuff my body has been enduring over the last month and a half. Turns out he is -- he just talks about it with other people.

So this morning, i went in for my retrieval and the tears started to come when the girl said we wouldn't be doing a transfer b/c of overachieving hormones. She told me not to get upset because this has happened to plenty of women -- and they go on to get pregnant with a frozen transfer.

So, the retrieval went well. Don't remember any of it -- other than coughing from one of the drugs, then falling asleep and someone shaking me awake. Evidentally, it only takes about 10-15 minutes to vacuum the eggs. They took me in a little curtained room and sat me in a recliner, where I could rest and have some juice.

So, the doctor comes in and said they retrieved 18 eggs -- and..... as long as I closely monitor myself over the next day or so and don't show any symptoms of OHSS -- they'll do the transfer!!!! Yes!!!! I asked the doctor about her concern regarding my hormone level. She said that because I wasn't bloated or feeling more tender, that we could keep our options open. Or I could just freeze my embryos and do a transfer next month. Well -- of course i picked the "let's keep our options open." She also said the retrieval was VERY easy, too.

So, starting tomorrow, I have to, as soon as i get up, weigh myself, measure my "girth" (my abdomen) and measure my urine. When they call tomorrow to tell me how many good embryos I have, i'll give them my stats. Same for friday. I also have to start my progesterone in oil shots (intramuscular -- dreading this one) in the morning. The girl drew circles on my backside since i'll be giving them to myself. I can also do them in my upper leg -- but evidentally, that gets really sore after repeated shots and could affect my ability to walk.

So..... i'm truly relieved and out of my funk, knowing that I could very well have a transfer in a few days -- either Saturday or Monday. I'll keep everyone posted.

erin

Posted by ethan&casey's mom | Comments: (2) | Permalink

OUR WALK DAY, ETC.

May 04, 2008 11:21am (EST)

Today was the morning of our March for Babies walk in Pittsburgh. A little chilly and overcast, but it was a nice turnout. My team seemed to enjoy the walk, and I was honored that they came out to be a part of Ethan and Casey's Team. I hope my boys were watching me from heaven. Attached is a picture of the team. I'm in the green and brown running suit. My mom's in the purple jacket. Wish my husband could have been there, but he's out of town for work.

As nice as the walk was, I'm sick to my stomach right now with worry. I went in for bloodwork and ultrasound this morning, and my estrogen level is at 5,104 -- which means i'm teetering on the brink of my very first IVF cycle being canceled. And, i have a lot of follicles, but they're not ready for retrieval just yet. So, I have to stop the follistim (but still take the lupron) and go back in tomorrow morning for another ultrasound and bloodwork. If the hormone has climbed even higher -- they can do the retrieval, but the embryos will have to be frozen and a transfer cannot be done.

I'm trying not to get myself worked up over this, but it's hard. It was all I could do to keep it together while my mom was still visiting today. All I'm going to be doing is thinking about "is it going to happen" or "is it not going to happen"? I don't know that there's anything I can magically do to calm my hormones, either. I thought about just taking it easy today, doing tai chi and just keeping myself cool and calm. Ha! I'm going to be a mess if this doesn't pan out this month.

erin

E&C MOD Team1

Posted by ethan&casey's mom | Comments: (3) | Permalink

IT'S BEEN A WHILE

Apr 20, 2008 08:43am (EST)

I just realized that it's been nearly a month since i've written. I've been so crazy busy with work and diving into this IVF journey. It's probably a good thing that i've been really busy with work because i haven't had time to do much worrying about this IVF stuff.

Oddly, though, I'm super calm. I don't know where it's coming from, either. Anytime before when i was undergoing infertility treatments, which required a fraction of the committment time that IVF does, I was constantly watching the calendar. Wondering when X or Y was going to occur. Perhaps I've realized that with IVF, it's all out of my hands. I just need to go through the motions, do what i'm told and maybe, just maybe, I'll end up where I want to be -- with a baby.

I do have to share with all of you my fundraising for the March for Babies walk. I have several people on my team, two of whom have helped fundraise (about $150 each). But get this -- I, myself, have raised nearly $2,000! Our team total right now is about $3,100+. I was a little disappointed because I had sent out about 86 letters to everyone I knew, and the donations were trickling in. And people who I really thought would have jumped at the chance to do something in honor of the boys -- haven't. But those who have .... wow! Several $100 donations from friends and family. I'm so thrilled. One of my cousins told me she was proud to call me "cuzzin" because I had chosen to turn my loss into a gain for someone else. Made me feel good.

I'm posting a bit of a humorous photo. All of my meds came earlier last week, and my husband unpacked them all because I was away on a business trip. Looks a like drug bust, eh? I thought the cash in the middle was a nice touch!

Had a few "odd" occurrences about two weeks ago. I came in the door after work and smelled baby powder near the steps and the railing in two spots. I sniffed all around the downstairs -- nothing. Went back to the spot by the stairs -- there it was. Faint, but noticeable. Next day -- same thing. My husband smelled it too. the next day, didn't smell it until I was getting on the treadmill. it was really low to the floor. I haven't smelled it since. I felt deeply that my boys were waiting for their mommy to come home -- to let me know that they are by my side. Oh, how I love them and miss them so.

I'll be sure to post again soon. I'm officially done with birth control pills, and continuing to take my lupron. i think i'll be starting my follistim and menopur this week. Retrieval is sometime during the week of May 4, with transfer 3 to 5 days after retrieval. Think good thoughts for me, ladies!

IVF drug bust

Posted by ethan&casey's mom | Comments: (3) | Permalink

WE'RE OFF TO THE RACES

Mar 25, 2008 05:11am (EST)

Well, as of yesterday, we are off to the races with this whole IVF process. I thought this cycle would be dedicated purely to early testing, but as soon as i said, "we've chosen to do IVF" -- things picked up speed.

Here's the whirlwind schedule:

March 26: day 3 FSH and follicle count ultrasound, as well as viral testing and cystic fibrosis screening. Husband goes in for his analysis and viral testing bloodwork.

March 30: start birth control pills

April 2: sonohystogram and mock transfer

April 9: pre-ART conference with the RE

April 11: injections class

April 15: first shot of Lupron

Week of May 4: retrieval week at some point

I'm eager to find out my day 3 FSH because if it's below 10, then we'll qualify for a cost-sharing program where we can prepurchase 3 cycles of IVF for $22,000. If we are successful on the first try, then we've just spent twice as much as we would have on a fee-for-service basis. If we aren't successful and then opt out, we'd get 70 percent of our money back. If we aren't successful on cycle number 2 and then opt out, 60 percent of our money back. No success on cycle 3 -- 50 percent of our money back. So... a little bit of peace of mind not having to come up with a huge chunk of change each time around. And we also found out that IVF and infertility treatments, mileage to and from, meds, etc. are tax deductible, so that will help a little.

I'm excited yet nervous. Excited because this is truly our best shot -- the one we have the most control over. The one that the likelihood of multiples is truly reduced (single embryo transfer for me, but it could still split); the one that is so scheduled. Nervous because it's a whole new game; I don't quite know what to expect; it's crazy expensive and I know it's one of the most stressful procedures to go through.

But, I've accepted that it's what I have to do to have a child -- a brother or sister for my two angels, Ethan and Casey. I have always asked them to be with me while I'm undergoing treatments, so I guess I'll need to make the same request of them on Saturday when I visit them.

So wish us luck over the next six weeks!

erin

Posted by ethan&casey's mom | Comments: (4) | Permalink

ETHAN AND CASEY'S TEAM

Mar 13, 2008 12:33pm (EST)

I've been meaning to write about leading a team for the March for Babies Walk here in Pittsburgh in May. Our team is named for my sons, Ethan and Casey, who are probably smiling from heaven that I'm doing this in their honor.

Last month, my husband and I came up with the idea of a mini silent sports auction for an initial fundraising event at my work. He used his contacts to round up items from all three professional sports teams, as well as the one sports network in town. I hosted the event over two days, and the response from my co-workers was overwhelming. They enjoyed it so much that we raised $900.

This weekend, I plan to sit down at my home computer and write my donation letter to friends, family and everyone else on my christmas card list. I also have a pretty good team gathered thus far -- co-workers (mine and my husband's), family and friends. No specific fundraising goal in mind, but I'm sure it will be overwhelming.

Weird thing is though ... that although I'm driven to succeed with the fundraising and participating in the walk, I'm sad that to be participating because it took a loss for me to become involved. But on the other hand, although I can't bring back my sons, I can help save other babies in this world. Mixed feelings, indeed.

Posted by ethan&casey's mom | Comments: (3) | Permalink

ONE YEAR AGO

Mar 10, 2008 04:55pm (EST)

One year ago today, I woke up with the saddest feeling I have ever had. The saddest feeling that any parent can ever have -- the day they have to bury their children. I was still in shock over losing the boys. Nothing made sense. Nothing mattered. I wondered how I was ever going to get through that day -- let alone the coming year.

One year later, on this day, I am reflecting on everything that happened. Missing my sons... but I'm OK. It's a testament to just how far I've come in my healing. I know they are OK with my dad in heaven and that they are always looking over me. Still doesn't make me miss them any less.

I met up with my husband in Florida last week -- a much needed getaway. Sunshine, warm weather and nothing but relaxing. I think it's the most enjoyable getaway I've had down there. But it was also emotional, because we were marking our sons birthday/angel day on March 7.

The day I left, I visited them -- feeling sad that I wouldn't be here on the actual day. I wanted to put balloons for them at their place, but I couldn't find what I wanted at the party supply store. So, I bought them little yellow duckies and placed them, along with the roses my husband and I had purchased, on their grave.

On their birthday, my husband and I bought mylar balloons. We wanted plain Happy Birthday ones, but the store was out of them. So, as much as I didn't want to, we bought the Winnie the Pooh balloons. That was supposed to be their nursery theme. As much as I didn't want to -- I also felt that it would be a fitting tribute to them.

We took them back to the house and wrote messages on them, telling them happy birthday and how much we loved them. We took them to the beach and snapped some photos. then we let them go at noon. Since it was super windy, they soared into the sky and quickly out of sight. I hope our boys caught them, along with the kisses we planted on the balloons before we let them go.

As we were walking back up the beach, I looked down and spotted a large blue and white shell. A few steps later, a smaller one. A few steps later -- two much smaller ones. It's rare to find look alike shells, but I'd like to think they were a present from my boys.

It was emotional, but we got through it. And we continue to march on. hopefully someday soon, we can realize our dreams of becoming parents again. We love our Ethan and Casey.

dan-erin balloons

shells 3-7-07

E&C bday presents

Posted by ethan&casey's mom | Comments: (1) | Permalink

OUR QUEST JUST BECAME MORE COSTLY

Mar 02, 2008 05:16pm (EST)

Hi all,
It's been several weeks since I've written. Took me a few weeks to get back up on the horse after that unsuccessful cycle. And now, we're four days away from when I went into labor. In five more days -- on March 7 -- will be a year that our angels were born and received their wings. I keep thinking back to last year and what I was doing this weekend last year -- the last weekend that unbeknownst to me, I would be pregnant.

And here we are in 2008.... and forced to ante up the dough because our only option is IVF. There's something to be said for instinct because I felt that was probably what this new RE would recommend. And, I was right.

I met with Dr. A on Thursday, and I was very impressed with the time she and her staff spent with me. I was there for two and half hours. I came prepared with my records and tons of questions. The staff seemed really warm, and I left there with a great feeling. But, considering IVF is overwhelming!

My head was swimming after the appointment with all the information I learned. Because my husband is out of town for another couple weeks, they want me to come in for a bunch of testing when my period starts again: FSH and other bloodwork, a sonohystogram and a mock transfer. They also gave me the option of doing a natural IUI, but I'm on the fence about that one. I've read about low success rates, and I just don't want to waste another month when that's a month that we could have been into the IVF journey.

The doctor did suggest that because of my history with a multiples loss, that we would do a single embryo transfer. they've had a lot of success with that. any other quality embryos would be frozen. We could also do the option of cryorpreservation of my husband's sperm since he travels so much. It's a lot to take in.

And there's the cost! About $11,000 for one cycle. This clinic has a cost sharing program, which is unique to the Pittsburgh area, I believe. To qualify, your FSH level has to be below 10. You can prepurchase 3 cycles of IVF for $22,000. They term "success" as a live birth. If you achieve that after the first time, the contract is up, and you just paid twice as much as you would have on fee for service. However, no one can know how long it's going to take.

You can cancel the contract at any time. After the first try and unsuccessful, you can cancel and get 70 percent of your money back. After the second if you cancel -- 60 percent. If, after that third cycle you still haven't gotten pregnant and had a live birth, you get 50 percent of your money back. it's a hell of a lot of money -- any way you crack it.

I had to relay everything over to the phone to my husband, who was having a hard time grasping that this is the best and only option for us. He's also having a hard time because we're coming up on the one year mark of losing our sons. He's reliving the guilt that he wasn't here for me, and I'm reliving the days leading up to it. So, hearing that we have to take this huge step -- it's hard to swallow.

Anyone out there have any sage advice where IVF is concerned? Any "lessons learned"? Please share if you do.

Finally, could I ask a favor? Send some good thoughts up to heaven on March 7. I'm sad because I won't get to visit my boys on their day, but I will be with their daddy/my husband in Florida. His boss has given him the day off so that we can be together. Our plan is to go to the beach and release balloons to the sky. I plan to send mine up with kisses -- in hopes that Ethan and Casey catch them.

Posted by ethan&casey's mom | Comments: (2) | Permalink

A LITTLE OBSESSIVE

Feb 12, 2008 08:48am (EST)

After losing sleep yet another night over the diagnosis of male factor that was in my RE records, I called them yesterday. I'm the type that if something is bothering me, I don't rest until I get an answer.

Well, the nurse apologized and said that the diagnosis was an accidental carryover from when we originally started coming to that office in 2005. At that time, we had failed two post-coital tests, and my husband's analysis had been done elsewhere and was low. She said this time around, there was absolutely nothing that indicated male factor as being an issue. I indicated to her that I was very upset when I read this. Not that I pretend to understand everything that is written in my records -- but seeing that in print and wondering if someone wasn't being forthright with me had me a little po'd.

She apologized again and said it was an error on their part that should have been corrected. So.... with that explanation, I felt a little better and calmed down. Still doesn't explain why the last five cycles have failed, but I guess I'm just not meant to know.

Feb. 28 seems like such a long time away for my consult with the new RE, but I hope I get some answers as to what path we go down next. I felt so positive going into that last cycle -- only to have the wind sucked out of my sails. Infertility sucks! I just want to be a mom again. And most importantly, be a mom to a baby or babies I can keep this time around.

Posted by ethan&casey's mom | Comments: (3) | Permalink

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