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WELCOME, GUEST |
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(4 members)
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niylnnrae @a…6 |
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nmiller776 |
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sbp296 |
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zaccsmama6 |
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ETHAN & CASEY'S MOM
ethan&casey's mom |
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| Category: Home | Sun | Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat | | | | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 |
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MY RAINBOW IS FOUR YEARS OLD
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Mar 12, 2013 06:28pm (EST)
How is it that my rainbow baby has turned four years old? The years have gone by in the blink of an eye -- never for me to experience again. Although a part of me is happy to say farewell to the sometimes hellish age of 3, the other part stares in disbelief at a little girl who continues to grow and develop right before my very eyes.
On her birthday morning of March 10, she woke up and stood up on the bed. I asked what she was doing, and she said, "mommy? am i growing bigger?" She was convinced that by turning a year older, that she would suddenly be a grownup like me. I explained to her that yes, she is growing bigger -- that she grows and changes each day.
There are times when she drives me crazy -- as all kids do their parents. But the majority of the time -- I savor her. I love the snuggles, hugs and kisses. I love that around me, she most always remembers to use her manners or say she is sorry. When she senses me getting upset, she runs over and immediately puckers up and says "kiss?" and "hug?" Or if i'm in a grumpy mood, she'll say "it's OK mommy." Some days, she's the yin to my yang, or however that works.
I love this little girl with all of my heart -- and she knows it. She tells me often how much she loves me: "I so love you mommy." Or she tells me i'm silly when i'm dancing around the living room with her, or rolling around on the floor with her. I hope she remembers those moments -- the quality moments.
She's such a smart little girl -- learning her letters, numbers, sounds and more. She remembers things that happened months ago. She'll rattle off a list of things that begin with a letter she learned that day at school. She loves to play matching games, is fascinated with anything having to do with princesses (Cinderella is her favorite) and loves watching Strawberry Shortcake, Caillou and Little Einsteins (she can sing the theme songs all the way through for each).
I love this girl of mine -- through thick and thin, challenging times and good times. She's my mini me, I'm told. I guess that's a good thing -- with the hopes she inherited the good parts of me.  I wish I could bottle her essence. I wish, at times, that I could go back to her baby days, and relive them -- a lot less stressfully than I did the first time around.
My baby's going growing up -- and that's a hard pill to swallow. With each chapter that closes, another adventure begins. We're just a few pages into age 4. I'm sure it'll be an exciting ride.
erin
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Posted by ethan&casey's mom | Comments: (4) | Permalink
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SIX YEARS
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Mar 07, 2013 11:46pm (EST)
Today marks six years since we said hello and goodbye to ethan and casey. My tiny little boys -- so eager to be born. I was as eager as they were to meet -- just not at 22w5d.
Each year on March 7 since they passed, I wake up looking at the clock. My mind and body go back to that day -- knowing what i was doing at precisely that point. I don't think this process will ever change in my mind ... until perhaps I get much older -- and gray -- and my mind isn't as clear as it once was.
My heart feels heavy each year. At times, it's much less heavy, which makes me sad ... because I feel as though I'm becoming disconnected ... that I should hold onto the pain because it keeps me tied to them and the day. Other times, it is heavy -- like it was last week with the onset of March.
A few family members acknowledged the day -- but likely because I posted on FB. And that hurts ... that people needed prodded to remember the day. I suppose because it didn't directly happen to them -- they aren't likely to remember.
My brother -- who went through the experience with me (along with my mom) -- hasn't acknowledged the day. And that upsets me. I'm very sensitive to his sorrow each February 26 on his birthday -- because that was the date that my dad and my grandfather were both buried (19 years apart).
Maybe I expect too much from people. Hell, some days I feel disconnected from my loss when I'm harried from work and running after two kids. But I need that connection -- that reminder that folks do remember my sons. They may have only lived minutes -- but the path they have led me down since 2007 has resulted in a changed Erin ... a stronger Erin. Shouldn't that be obvious?
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To my sons -- although you were with me only a short time in my womb and in my arms, I cherish and love you as though I've had a lifetime with you. The thoughts and feeling will never diminish; in fact, they will only grow stronger as I continue on my journey back to you.
love, mommy
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Posted by ethan&casey's mom | Comments: (11) | Permalink
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THOUGHTS A TUMBLIN'
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Mar 01, 2013 05:59pm (EST)
Here we are -- March 1. In another six days -- I will honor my sons' 6th angel day. Six years. It's not a lifetime, but some days it feels that way. On some days, I can remember how they felt, looked and sounded. And others -- it feels like those memories are fading.
Two main things that are bringing this feeling on: Feb. 23 was six years since my dad died. I was still pregnant with my sons -- and i now recount those days that unbeknownst to me, were the last.
Two, Kaelin is turning four on March 10. I'm having a hard time with this. I know I can't keep her a baby -- but the older my rainbow gift gets, the more time that separates me from her brothers. She starts preschool in the fall, too. I had a big cryfest after signing her up for that. The passing years are intensely bittersweet.
And then there's miss Kelsey -- who brightens every moment of every day. She turns 18 months on March 17. She, too, is growing faster than I want her to. I think Kelsey has grown up faster than Kaelin did -- because she's trying so hard to keep up with her big sister.
Which makes me want another baby. This is the first odd-numbered year since 2007 that I haven't been pregnant or had a baby. What's driving the "want" is that I so desperately want to have the chance to mother a son. I know getting pregnant again doesn't guarantee that will happen -- and I would of course love and cherish whatever I had. But I want that one last chance. I'll be 38 in May. I don't know if another child will happen naturally like Kelsey did -- or if I'll have to go through IVF again. I don't want to plan it. Kelsey wasn't planned -- and she was the best gift ever. Dan looks at me like I have two heads when I mention another baby. Is my life crazy now? Absolutely. Would i be run even more ragged with another. Sure. But it would be so worth it -- just one more time. The last time. It hurts to say that.
Oh, what the grief journey does to a soul.
erin
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Posted by ethan&casey's mom | Comments: (8) | Permalink
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SU 2012
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Nov 10, 2012 03:11am (EST)
So, I'm quite late in posting ... as seems to be my nature these days. After spending the day on the computer for work, my tolerance for being in front of one in the evening is little to none. In any event, I've had this rattling around in my head for a while.
ShareUnion 2012 -- probably one of the most anticipated events of the year for all of us. I know for me, it's my one time of year to get away by myself ... to be myself ... and to have my Ethan and Casey time. It's a special weekend ... not just because I catch up with a group of awesome ladies, but because it's three whole days that I can feel close to my sons. For if not for them, I would not know all of you.
On the whole, SU 2012 was a good one ... getting to know some new folks, testing my knowledge of French translations (thanks, Lindsay), participating on a panel and sitting through discussions that at first glance, I felt were not applicable to me as an angel mom. (Thanks Gigi for making me see otherwise.)
I would have to say that one downside of the weekend was that some friendships that others have forged give the impression of being somewhat of a clique. Although I'm sure that's not what was intended ... it could be construed as being a little intimidating, particularly for a first-time SU attendee.
In my four years of attending, I would have to say that this was one of the most emotional for me ... and it seemed to hit at/after the rememberance ceremony. As I listened to the speaker, and subsequently saw her son's photo in the video, my heart crumpled. I'm not sure why this affected me so much -- other than my heart broke for a mom who was so close to having her baby and that dream was snatched at the 11th hour. I walked out of the room close to tears, and as soon as I got to my room, the floodgates opened.
I sat at the desk talking to my sons' picture -- and cried ... I mean really cried. Cried like I hadn't in a very long time. Cried because they aren't with me anymore and cried because I have come as far as I have. If not for them, I wouldn't know or be liked and loved by a lot of people in my life. If not for them, I wouldn't be the mom that I am to my two beautiful girls. If not for them, I may not have my beautiful girls. In short -- everything that I've stuffed deep into the recesses of my heart came bubbling to the surface.
Eventually, I settled down and decided to get some air. But when I got down to the lobby and saw everyone, and when Lorena stopped to give me my sweater and ask if I would come out, I choked back tears, muttered "yes" and something unintelligible, and went off to print my boarding pass. After a few minutes, I did calm down and then spent a few hours with some pretty great people (you know who you are).
Something else also happened for me that weekend -- one that is VERY significant in my thus-far five and one-half year grief journey: I held Sam's baby Jaxson and I didn't blink an eye.
See, this is HUGE for me! When I lost my sons, I vowed never to hold or touch another baby until I had my own -- and I didn't, until Kaelin was born. I have also NEVER wanted to hold another newborn baby boy ... until I saw Jaxson. As I shared with Sam, I didn't see her holding what I didn't have. I saw love -- a miracle. I saw myself last year -- with Kelsey at that same age. And I snatched him up and snuggled with him -- his little head on my shoulder ... and I was OK. My heart didn't ache or break.
That moment showed me how much I have grown in my journey back to my sons. I say it that way because it is truly a journey ... the journey of saying goodbye five years ago ... and the journey until I see them again. I worked so hard to take care of myself and allow myself to feel again ... about the world, about children. I have withstood the most tragic pain ... I have bent, but I have not broken. Because of my sons, I stand tall and proud.
erin
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Posted by ethan&casey's mom | Comments: (8) | Permalink
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ON THE SHORTLIST
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Oct 04, 2012 04:58pm (EST)
I am officially one of the mission families on the shortlist for the 2013 ambassador family. I had a meeting this morning with our walk director, the executive director and the state communications person -- talking about the commitment required for an ambassador family and most importantly, sharing my story with a group of people who will choose the face of the MOD for the coming year.
I shared the story of my sons -- the joy, the heartache and the life I have lived since they entered my life. I made it all the way through my story before tears touched my eyes. I don't talk that extensively very often about my sons -- but having to bear my soul so that others may learn and live is worth the emotion.
I'm not sure who they'll select in the coming weeks, and I know that even if we are not selected, the choice isn't personal or a case of whose story sounds the most marketable. I am doing this for my sons so that their lives continue to impact the world around them.
erin
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Posted by ethan&casey's mom | Comments: (7) | Permalink
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HAPPY 1ST BIRTHDAY KELSEY GRACE!
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Sep 18, 2012 01:49am (EST)
Happy labor and delivery day to me -- and happy first birthday to Miss Kelsey Grace! I am shaking my head because I have no idea where this year has gone. It feels like yesterday that we were racing down the interstate to the hospital -- hoping my water didn't break every time dan hit a bump. Feels like yesterday that I was shivering and shaking during the c-section ... and then hearing "there's her head!" and the most beautiful wail ever.
I've cried over her turning one -- more than once. Having such a hard time with it this time around. Not that I didn't love Kaelin with every ounce of my being -- but she wasn't an easy baby ... and I was getting used to motherhood ... and mostly on my own because of Dan's schedule. This time around -- I have an easy, snuggly, lovable and mostly happy baby who is what she is and is content no matter what she's doing. I have enjoyed this first year I think more than I did with Kaelin because I wasn't so stressed this time around with all things baby. And, well, that's why i'm sad ... we're turning the page into the next chapter of our baby's life.
She is such a snuggly little girl who has, in the last two weeks, learned to give kisses -- open and closed mouth. She crawls over and gently puts her mouth down on mine. Or in a fit of excitement -- I get the open mouth and teeth.
She loves to play peek-a-boo with a shirt or blanket -- and holds whatever she can find over her eyes, then giggles when I "find" her. She is fast -- crawls at the speed of light and sometimes we have to search the house to find her. Often, we find her making a mess of my room, getting into her sister's things or closing herself in the bedroom. The girl leaves quite the trail wherever she goes.
As she is standing, she has started to let go for a few brief moments before falling on her butt. She is also cruising along furniture ... so it's only a matter of time before she starts walking. As for crawling -- she has learned how to crawl up the stairs -- from the family room downstairs up to our living room, which is at least 10 stairs total separated by a landing. Now she sits at the top of the stairs and looks down ... as though trying to figure out how to get down the stairs.
She is quite the jokester -- wakes up sometimes in the middle of the night or early in the morning in her crib, cruises over to the light switch which is next to her crib, and flips it on. As her crib is in the guest room where dan sometimes sleep when he's come in late from work ... the bright room is definitely not welcome.  And if she's decided she's done with nap? She flips on the light and bangs on the wall. What a kid!
She is into EVERYTHING .. and I mean everything. She could have 10 toys around her to play with ... and she prefers to get in the kitchen cabinets. She is allowed in the containers cabinet ... where she crawls in (she was standing in the cabinet one day) and tosses everything over her shoulder. Or she gets in the cabinet with the napkins and proceeds to shred what she can yank out. She also loves shutting me in the fridge as I'm trying to find things.
She loves to say mama -- pulls herself up on my legs and hollers "mamama!" at me when she wants held. The other morning, she was eating breakfast with dan ... and she saw me come out in the kitchen. Started bouncing up and down, saying mama, and when I walked over to her, she put her hands out and pulled me in for a snuggle. Love!
In the mornings when i get a shower -- she pounds on the door to the bathroom ... wanting me to come out. Or she's in and out while i'm getting dressed. Or, she will lie down outside the door until I come out. It must be love....
Yesterday (Sunday), we had a birthday party for her in the backyard -- with family and some friends. I somewhat felt guilty for having it because Kaelin hasn't had a big party like that. However, Kaelin gets three birthday dinners and three cakes -- all with different family (two of which are in Florida). But she enjoyed herself ... running around with her friends. Kelsey was unusually quiet -- not used to having that many people around and that much attention showered on her. The gathering was a lot of work -- but so worth it. And today I had first birthday party withdrawal... 
I'm so madly in love with this baby ... and it grows every day. I've said it before -- but I love her because she is who she is. And I love Kaelin for who she is. Big love for both -- just in different ways and for different reasons. Amazing how much love a mom's heart can hold.
Happy Birthday, my littlest princess!
erin
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Posted by ethan&casey's mom | Comments: (8) | Permalink
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11 MONTHS!
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Aug 17, 2012 08:07pm (EST)
Happy and sad -- that's what I feel today ... on Kelsey's 11-month birthday. So happy that I've had her in my life for 11 months ... but sad because she's growing up so quickly. I made sure this time around to savor each moment with her ... because of this rapid pace of infant/babyhood. Obviously, there are not-so-good moments as there are with any baby, but the good have most assuredly outweighed any challenging days.
My little beauty is just that ... a little beauty. (Nah -- i'm not biased or anything! ) She is definitely going to give us some heartburn as time moves along ... with that blonde hair, blue eyes and ornery nature. She is one that when it's too quiet -- I better go see what's going on.
Kelsey now has five teeth (with a sixth not far behind) -- which have come in handy now that she has finally caught on to eating finger/table foods that aren't blended/mashed up. Over the last two weeks, she has chowed down on peas/carrots, corn on the cob, chicken, grilled cheese (her favorite!), cheerios, banana chunks and more. The sitter has also been giving her similar foods at lunchtime -- so the support helps. (And to anyone who read an older post about our daycare provider's food choices -- she's starting to mix it up a bit and give Kelsey other things outside the yucky weekly rotation.)
It's actually a relief to me that she is catching on -- because I was making all of her blended foods like I did with Kaelin. With work as crazy as it is ... it ended up being one more thing on the to-do list. So it's nice that as she is nearing her first birthday, she is adjusting well. She is still drinking milk from a bottle -- but she does it herself now. She likes to steal Kaelin's sippy cup of water and take a few swigs. The other day, she grabbed Kaelin's milk cup and was drinking (and dripping) 1% milk. I could really transition her to a sippy -- but it's another thing i'm dragging my feet on ... perhaps because i'm not ready for it? 
And nursing ... oh, how the girl loves to nurse, especially at bedtime. In some ways, I'm ready to be done ... would simplify my workday a bit. But I HATE the thought of giving up that special time at bedtime and during the night/early morning with her ... the time when she's rubbing her hands over my face, trying to hook her leg over my phone because she knows i'm not paying attention to her, or how she falls asleep with a handful of my hair. Or how she sighs .... and her eyes roll back in her head when she's exhausted and that's the only thing she wants. The thoughts of giving up that time have me weepy. I know I can bond with her in other ways at bedtime, but that is our special time. But, it's time to start slowing the factory. When one chapter ends, another begins, I suppose.
Kels is such a pleasant child -- even when she's not feeling well. A few weeks ago, she came down with a viral infection that had her looking like someone ran her over. Still smiling and snuggling.
And she's always smiling when she's into something -- cabinets, sticking her hand in the toilet (ugh!), etc. I move her away; she comes right back. Eventually she straightens out her body and has a fit, then crawls away quickly ... usually to wherever Kaelin is. And then she gets into whatever Kaelin is doing ... and that causes another stir. Speaking of stirs -- the other day, I caught Kelsey sitting on top of Kaelin's crayola coloring table (about 8 or so inches off the ground). She crawled on top and sat there. I thought Kaelin put her up there, but I saw later that she got up there herself -- and then promptly slid off the back since she didn't position her butt solidly on the table. Love her!
I'm definitely a proud mama. I'm so in love with her -- and I love that she loves me. Was hard to tell with Kaelin sometimes ... a very serious child/baby who still is in some ways. Kelsey -- her love is unconditional. She crawls over, pulls up, snuggles in tight and tucks her hands under her. LOVE IT. I so want to bottle this time.
erin
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Posted by ethan&casey's mom | Comments: (6) | Permalink
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SHARE UNION 2012
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Aug 10, 2012 05:49pm (EST)
In 2007, I found Share by accident some months after I lost my sons. I was desperate for healing and support from someone -- anyone -- who understood what I was thinking and feeling. I remember reading several stories -- and the "aha" moment came ... this was my new home. This was part of my "new" normal. If I was going to be forced to live my life without my precious little boys ... then this was where i needed to be.
The following year, I saw postings about something called ShareUnion. It was in Houston in 2008 -- and I vowed that if it ever came to the east coast, that i would attend. In 2009, it came back to Washington, D.C. and I committed to attending ... with a group of people i only knew online.
I talked my sister into coming with me -- so i'd at least know someone there in case I didn't feel comfortable. I had butterflies in my stomach the entire drive. We got to the hotel and set out for some sightseeing that afternoon. Someone called my name -- I later learned it was Mary. How in the world did she recognize me? That evening, we got back to the hotel after having dinner with some friends. In the lobby on our way up to the "meet and greet", we ran into Kate and Jaclyn, who knew me immediately and gave me a huge hug. We rode up the escalators together ... chatting easily. My heart was still pounding.
Then I walked into the room -- and felt like a movie star. Several folks walked over and introduced themselves ... but they didn't need to, really. I knew them as well as they knew me ... even though we had only communicated online.
Fastforward to 2012 -- and this will be my fourth SU. I'm so excited to attend for several reasons: (1) it's the only opportunity I have to get away by myself each year; (2) it's in Florida; and most importantly (3) my friends! I love you all dearly and can't wait to see you.
When I attended my first SU -- I was very worried that the weekend would rip off the bandaid again ... expose me to even more sadness that I have tucked away in a corner of my heart. But it didn't. Yes, the evening is emotional -- but in a good way. It's remembering; it's reminiscing and it's active involvement. It's a weekend of feeling like I am making a difference in someone else's life -- because of my life experience. It's a weekend that I feel the most connected to my sons. And as their mom, I need that so that I can keep moving forward in this life.
For anyone out there who is on the fence about going -- please come. The weekend may be just what you need to find the strength -- as i have -- to make the best of the path you've been forced to travel.
erin
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Posted by ethan&casey's mom | Comments: (7) | Permalink
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