Lost my daughter 4 weeks ago

My daughter would be almost 6 months old. Everyday it seems I still relive the whole day of her passing, wondering if they could've done something different. I think that is what is so hard, the what if's, why didn't anyone see it sooner, it's exhausting. I'm sorry both of you lost your babies. I hate infections, I wish so deeply that we could figure out how to get rid of them quicker. My kids have been my rock, I'm glad to say that. They have helped me get out of bed, when I didn't think I could or even wanted to. My family has helped me tons, and of course, Share. I don't even know where I would be without this place.

Kelly, As you can see, there are so many of us here who are standing beside you as you experience this terrible pain. Losing our children is, of course, not what is supposed to happen, and it is the worst pain. Your words about reliving the moments and not being able to sleep and wondering about the "what if's"...those all describe my feelings after my daughter died. That was nearly 4 years ago, and I have since delivered a healthy son. But, those early months, and for me, many months (and months) following, were simply so terrible that words truly can't describe the loneliness, despair and pure pain. Acceptance of the reality of my child dying was so difficult for me. Take comfort, though, in the energy that your other children give you, like you described...Wherever that motivation to get through a moment comes from, take it. And when those moments are just too hard, don't be embarrassed to retreat, slow down and take a deep breath.

For me, I found it comforting to do everything I could in memory of my daughter - from personal memorials to advocating with MOD. My husband, on the other hand, needed to partition his grief from the rest of his life. As hard as it will be, you will find ways to deal with your pain. Again, I can only speak for how I have handled the grief, but I feel that I have, now, positively incorporated my daughter and the pain of losing her into my life, rather than letting the grief control it. It took me a long time to get to that point, though, and there are, of course, days when memories and anger with the situation flood my thoughts.

I hated hearing this early in my loss, but time really will lessen the intensity of the pain you are feeling now. I struggle with the logic of that, still, thinking that it means I am simply forgetting my daughter...But, I hope that it means I have been able to incorporate her into my life in a way that will allow me to honor her.

I think that our children will always be a part of us, whether they are in our arms or in our hearts...Each one of them shapes us in a different way, and we will carry that with us.

As you travel though this journey, though, know that we are all here to listen on those difficult days and hold you up, and to rejoice with you as you find more and more hope and peace.

Wishing you peace,
-Valerie, Mommy to angel Caitlyn Greenleigh

Thank you Valerie!

What a wonderful post! I find your words extremely uplifting and am looking forward to reaching that point. (I lost our twins, Hayley and Jack, six weeks ago tomorrow). I'm hoping that going back to work (starting tomorrow) will help me to get there.

Thanks again,
Sarah

Hi Sarah,

Have you started back to work? How are you doing? I'm so sorry to hear about Hayley and Jack. I miscarried twins, as well, shortly before delivering my son. I never did feel "ready" to try for another pregnancy, but it had been nearly three years since our daughter died, and I felt in control of the grief (as much as we ever can be, that is). But then, losing the babies brought all of those feelings back, even though it was a different situation. Long-story-short, though, we are celebrating my son's first birthday next week. I really can't believe that much time has passed so quickly. I feel incredibly blessed to have him, our adopted son, and our angels. But, even earlier this week, "out of the blue", so to speak, a real heaviness came over my heart, as I truly, desperately longed for Caitlyn. I don't know if that will ever change. And, in some ways, I don't want it to. It makes me feel like I continue to hold her near.

Know that support is here, as you move through this next phase of returning to work.

Lots of good thoughts and hugs,
-Valerie