Honoring our Angels during the Holidays

I'm sorry for the loss of your son. No experience in life prepares you for such a journey. I have found in the 15 months since my daughter's death that most people wouldnt say some of the things they say if they knew the experience firsthand. If I were able to still have children, I would definately want to be pregnant right now. No indeed an other child cannot replace the child I loss, but another child would help to put hope in our hearts again, sound in our home again, and just fulfill all the reasons people who love eachother have children in the first place.

Congratulations on your new pregnancy. I am wishing a very uneventful, healthy, 40 weeks for you and your little one.

Take good care,
Yolonda

its been three months to the day since Tyler which was Baby A was born and i find myself to want to start trying again but i dont know where to start since i wasnt even trying when the boys were concieved. Im also finding that people are telling that i need to wait and give my mind and body time to heal, that im young and can always have more kids. I swear if someone says that to me one more time i will punch them. yes i want more kids but i also want the two that i had. i want my tyler and levi with every breath that is in me. i still think about them every day and wonder if there was something that i could have done or should have done or that the doctors could have done to keep them in or to help them. what if they would have replaced my cerclage that they knew failed after i had tyler, would i have been able to keep levi in longer than four more days. or what if they would have done the cerclage at 14 weeks like they were talking about. or why did i even tell the dr i was ok with being sent home at 18 weeks three days after my cerclage after they told me they were probably going to keep me until i delivered since i was already high risk since i was having twins and then i was having problems with my cervix. why did the stupid doctor send me home and why was i such an idiot to agree to go home. at my six week i told the dr i was trying again and she said to wait 2-3 months and then start trying and offered to put me on birth control. I told her i dont want birth control and then when she asked how my babies were doing i looked at her like she waes insane, its right there in my charts that my babies died why dont you read before you ask, did she seriouly think i would be trying to have another baby 6 weeks after i had twins if my kids had survived no she didnt think at all. then people telling that i need to stop talking about them with other people and that they are all getting tired of hearing it p***es me off to no end. how dare you say you are tired of hearing about me talk about my sweet little babies. i listen to you guys talk about your kids all the time but yet because my are no longer hear you dont want to hear it. even my own mom has told me she was tired of me talking about them and that i needed to move on. How do you move on from tthis knowing that i would be getting ready to bring them home from the nicu or getting ready have them and being as big a house still stupid and pregnant. i need to find a decent doctor who will actually listen to me the next time and not tell me to lay down that my water really isnt leaking its just me peeing on myself that everything will be fine. i now know that a clinic wont cut it that i need a high risk doctor who will do everything there is and actually listen what i have to say when it comes to my baby. but i had to learn the hard way and instead of bringing two sweet little boys who didnt do a thing wrong home i have to go visit them at a cemetery while everyone around me healthy babies that are around the age that my twins would be. another thing that ticks me off is people saying that i should have a surrogate . i dont want a surrogate for one we done have the money for a surrogate i dont want to hear from someone else about how my baby is doing when that baby should be inside me kicking me and squirming. i just want to be pregnant again... but then again im afraid to get pregnant because what if the same thing happens again. twins run in both of our families so what if its twins again or even if its not twins what if the cerclage doesnt work like it did with them. what if the doctors dont listen to me again and the same thing happens and i lose my baby again

To mommyof2babyangelboys: I can definitely relate your frustrations with doctors. If you are not happy please switch for your own peace of mind. I felt that the ball was dropped with my son when I went into labor at 22 weeks. I feel by OB had she been experienced enough should have picked up on the signs of my preterm labor. I have heard something about TAC transabdominal cerclage that might have some success? But when you are ready I wish you blessings ttc. I said this before your story almost exactly matches mine including the brain bleeds, size of baby and I also delivered at 23 weeks and 4 days. my son lived for 17 days. Always know I am here to listen about your boys. I love talking about Brayden my son. I don't know how I am going to get through this, its so hard and I cry every day. Its been about 6 weeks since he passed away.

P.S.
 I have since been referred to a high risk OB/perinatologist. I just continue to ask for prayers

how did you get a referral to a high risk doctor. do i just call my OB and ask for a referral or do i call one. i really dont want to go back to that doctor ever again because i asked question after question concerning what contractions feel like what premature labor feels like etc and they always told me that i would know when it was really happening so since i was asking i wasnt having contractions. even while i was in the hospital and my water had broken and i told my nurse that i thought my water broke she had the nerve to ask me if i was sure i didnt pee on myself. i looked at her pulled my blanket up and said does it look like i peed in sitting on a huge wet spot and i can still feel the stuff coming out. then when she went and got the doctor what a shocker my water broke just like i told them and that was at the level 3 hospital, other than that the level three wasgreat i liked my nurses there better at Good Samaritan than at Bethesda North. But i still dont know where to start to get a high risk. i know im high risk for any pregnancy i have due to my cervix and im thinking i need to get into one as soon as possible because as of yet i havent had my friend yet this month which is great if it decides to be a no show but then the show starts all over again and im not going to be as optimistic that everything will be fine because i know what happened with my boys and that i really shouldnt be pregnant right now if i am, i should breastfeeding my babies and they should be home with me or getting ready to come home. my due date is in 13 days and i just dont know what to make of that day i just want to skip right over it like its not even there. if i could i would stay at home in bed and just hide all day but thats not possible so what am i supposed to do on that day. and what am i supposed to if i am pregnant again because i was trying to find a dr that would do the TAC as i had a failed TVC with the twins and i dont want to go through that again and the stay in the NICU constantly worrying about weather my child is going to make it and i actually want to be able to leave the hospital with my baby not leave my baby there. thats just not natural when you have a baby the baby is supposed to go home with you not stay in the hospital. im just scared that the cerclage will fail again because they will wait until my cervix starts changing to do like they did the last time i was showing signs at 14 weeks and they talked about doing the cerclage and waited until i was funneling then was like we need to do the cerclage now. i cant lose another baby i wont be able to take it. so in other words im scared that i may be pregnant and im scared that if i am the boys will be upset with me for getting pregnant and trying so soon after them and everyone else will think that im trying to replace them and im not they were my first born my heart and soul and they riipped a huge part of me out and took it with them when they died.

To mommyof2babyangelboys, First I would tell you to take a couple of deep breaths. Try and relax and breathe. Next I would see if you could confirm if you are pregnant or not. Have you taken a test? I was able to get a referral from my fertility dr. However I would start with the major hospitals in your area. What about college university hospitals, or high NICU level hospitals and go online to see who has a high risk OB dept. I also went online to research which hospitals had a high risk OB dept, specifically and make an appt with them. I still question my OB to this day about how she handled my pregancy and she was way too nonchalant when I told her my symptoms ( which turned out to be preterm labor) and she should have been all over it. I did not ask her opinion about a high risk OB. It sounds like you have a lot of anxiety about your previous dr. so I would definitely research a new one. Someone told me who lost her first baby, that after she had her other children, she never got over the pain of the loss. It will always be there but just the pain will be redirected someway and will show itself differently. You know in your heart your babies will never be replaced and thats all that counts! Let me know how everything goes. It's good to talk to someone who knows your pain and what you are going through.
God Bless You!