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ELENAHOPE'S JOURNAL

elenahope

September 2010

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WORLDS APART

Aug 19, 2010 09:56am (EST)

It's been so long since my last entry. We just celebrated my baby's 3rd birthday. Weve been surrounding ourselves with friends and family. Work, school, friends, and family seem to keep me sane. However, at the end of each day my heart and arms still ache without having my baby here with us. No matter how I try to fit in to what others might call "normal life"; I don't! No one can truly understand except for the mothers who have lost their babies here on SHARE. Everyday is a struggle to live without my daughter. Everytime I'm with my niece; I picture my baby and how happy she would have been. She would have been the same age as her just a few months older. As I spend time with my in-laws; there are no blames, no words spoken but their mere silence says it all. Their look of disappointment towards me is enough to cut me like a knife. My husband has been and always so supportive. There are times when i think he deserves so much more; to be with someone who can give him a living child; not one that he would only grieve. God knows, I try so hard to find reasons to live and try to live happily but it's not easy.

My SIL must think I'm crazy. I am obsessed of being with her child 24/7. I pour all my love to her as much as I could. I know I'm not trying to replace my daughter but I have so much love to give and no child to give it to. Funny, but I have this rule..."self check" I call it. It's making sure that I am not overstepping my bounds when it comes to other people.

At times, when I feel like I have let her go is when i grieve the most. I feel more and more distant from her as each day goes. As I've said before, I think it's human nature to try to keep the painful memories submerged into your subconscious so that it won't hurt as much. However, when mentally and physically I stop doing something; the pain of not having her here with me just keep on resurfacing and I'm just reminded that we are world and heavens apart!

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THE SIMPLEST THINGS IN LIFE

Nov 23, 2009 03:26pm (EST)

During my travels, I've met the most awesome and kindest people. Although they are not blessed with material things, they are blessed with the kindest hearts. Traveling through places where eating three times a day is a luxury, makes me appreciate how fortunate most of us are inthe states.

Haven't seen my family much since I lost my Emma until this week. No one has mentioned her name yet. Don't know if my family has forgotten her already or simply they just don't know what to say. How Id wish they would mention her because she's a great big part of my life. My mom had a family tree done, and I realized that Emma's name wasn't on there. I brought it to her attention and she told me that she'll fix it. How soon can people forget. I wish that it wasn't the case.

In a few days I will traveling to an orphage somewhere here in the south Pacific. Ill be thinking and keeping Emma and all the share angel babies close to my heart as I spend time with the kids.

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MISSING YOU...

Nov 10, 2009 09:30am (EST)

My dear and sweetest Emma,

I love you and miss you so so much. My heart yearns for you all the time and you're the first one I think of when I wake up in the mornin'. At night, I look forward to goin' to sleep so that I could have some peace in my heart when I see you in my dreams. Lately though, I haven't..Papa says that you might be a busy angel with so many things to do:) You're no longer a rookie angel up there. There are times, when all I wanted to see are your eyes open. Mommy never got to see your beautiful eyes. How I wish we had a happy ending you and me. Mommy is trying so hard to make you proud and somewhat have a semi happy ending. I pray to you for strength to carry on without you. I know I should be taking care of you..not the other way around.

I love you and miss you my sweet angel...You're always in my heart!

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Posted by elenahope | Comments: (4) | Permalink

LIFE IS NOT EASY

Nov 04, 2009 10:34am (EST)

Each morning when I wake up, I pray to God to give me strength to get through the day. To live a life without my daughter isn't easy. I wish to God I could just take a pill to forget the pain that I feel inside. As we all know though, it's not that easy. I often say that when I go to bed...I dream with a broken heart and wake up to an empty heart.... The night before last, I was in bed and woke up to my hubby wakin' me up. He said I kept moaning as if I was in pain. I told him that even my soul is in pain. It's just an ugly cycle of pain, sorrow, find a little happiness, peace and starts all over again. Although, I can say that I find myself to be in the PEACE & happy mode longer than before.

Other than SHARE, I amused myself with doing facebook. This morning, while looking at my friends pics...I realized how happy she is. As she celebrates her daughters 1st birthday, she seems so happy. I was happy but at the same time sad that I couldn't be that mom.

Life isn't so easy when you lose a child. You have to open your heart to some pain, in able to receive a bit of peace and happiness in your life!

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Posted by elenahope | Comments: (6) | Permalink

UPDATE

Oct 30, 2009 10:18am (EST)

Just an update just incase anyone thought I dropped out of this earth. Nothin' new... It's a cycle of pain, sorrow, allowing myself to be happy, excitement, hopeful, then sadness...then it starts all over again. Last weekend was fun time with friends and family. I brought my Godkids with me to meet up with some friends at the beach. All went well, until one of my friends husband asked me while I was holding my Godaughter...he asked, "You don't have a daughter, right? Who's kid is this one?" What an "ass". That's all I could think of. There I was, trying my best to allow myself to be happy and then...some insensitive person said that. The stupidest thing was that..it's not like he hasn't been around me these couple of years. He's seen me more than I could count since it happened. Anyway, my hubby told me that people just forget. All that tells me is that some people are just plain STUPID! I didn't say anything...hubby told him that she's our Godchild. Thank God that I was able to control myself and didn't have an outburst. I looked away and went on having a good time.

Other than that, all is well. Work is okay as work can be. Adoption is going along...1.5yr to go. I just try not to think of it much. Hubby and I are just trying to get to know each other without all the complications of trying to get pregnant. I've pretty much accepted the fact now that I could never have my own biological child. Health wise...had gynecological surgery...otherwise fine. Thanking God each day for my blessings and praying for strength as I face and live each day without Emma.

Sunday is all souls day. Took the day off to reflect, spend time with hubby, and visit Emma. I'll be thinking and praying for all our angels....

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Posted by elenahope | Comments: (4) | Permalink

HONORING ALL OUR ANGEL BABIES

Oct 16, 2009 08:53am (EST)

Last night, my hubby and I had a nice peaceful time honoring our babies. Yesterday, as many of you probably know was Infant loss Awareness Day. I was so sad yesterday and didn't really know what to do until I realized enough of this sadness. I wanted to celebrate Emma's life and all our babies lives. We had a great time and were both so excited having our own remembrance ceremony. We even had countdown when we lit our candles and when to extinguished them. We felt so good that we were taking part of the wave of light. I've asked family and close friends to light candles for all our babies around the world. Many of them did. My hubby actually asked me if we can see the wave of light around the world from the satellite. I said probably yes.. He was so sweet. We prayed and had a nice dinner out in the patio. The weather couldn't have been anymore perfect. My gardenia even bloomed after three months. I love the smell of gardenias...

Our angels will always be remembered, honored, and be close to our hearts...

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Posted by elenahope | Comments: (9) | Permalink

REMEMBERING ALL OUR ANGEL BABIES

Oct 14, 2009 07:28am (EST)

Last weekend I walked for the steps our angel babies never got to take. I thought of each and every one of our babies as I walked and felt the utmost peace within my heart. Our babies were the most courageous human beings I've ever known. The ceremony began with a Mom who spoke and shared her experience of losing her baby. She is an avid speaker and wrote her thesis of how health care providers can better provide care for high risks moms and how to communicate to a grieving mom. More than 1,000 people walked and could totally relate to her experiences. It was the one of the few places where I felt I belong and was not afraid to let my emotions out. As they read each and every one of the babies names, one could hear moms, dad, aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters...as they let their tears flow. It was a very touching and emotional event for all of us. My family walked with us and I was very happy that even for a moment my Emma and all our angel babies were remembered and honored.

Hears a quote from Hippocrates..."Healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes also a matter of opportunity". Opportunity to make a difference...to make this world a better place!

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Posted by elenahope | Comments: (7) | Permalink

FORGIVENESS VS FORGETTING

Oct 09, 2009 11:01am (EST)

During my pregnancy with Emma, other than my husband's support...I felt alone. don't get me wrong, my husband was the ultimate supportive husband. He was my rock and continues to be. However, I guess it's the little girl in me that I wanted my parent's support. My parents live outside the country. To make the long story short, I felt bitter that they weren't here to help me out. I was in bedrest...but what can I do when I have a household to run, my husband worked and so I was left to take care of myself. I stayed bedrest as much as I can. However, there were times when I would have to cook so i could eat. My water broke at 25wks...don't know if I caused it. I was in the hospital for 4 wks after that and then only lose my daughter at 29wks. I have a hard time forgiving myself. I'm still bitter to my parents though. They're already retired and didn't come to help me out. They didn't even come to my baby's funeral for some lame reason she gave me. I've forgiven them but I could never forget. In addition, I had a family member who's been a problem. He kept on calling me and bugging me for money while I was laying in the hospital trying so hard to keep it together.

When I look back now, there were so many obstacles. How I'd wish I would have asked for help when I needed it. How I'd wish I would have ignored people who just gave me problems. How I'd wish I would have thought of "ME" first before anybody else. Upto this day, I don't speak to my nephew..I've seen my parents after that but it's not the same. Forgiveness I could do; however, to forget is a very difficult thing to do!

Posted by elenahope | Comments: (7) | Permalink

MY HEART ACHES

Oct 06, 2009 12:14pm (EST)

Yesterday I heard of an awful news. A family friend passed away and left a husband and three kids. My heart breaks for them. Although, I was not close to this person..I could totally feel their pain. I woke up this morning feeling so sad. It reminded me of the pain and heartache I endured so much especially during the first few days. I felt as though I just lost Emma. It's been two years now and some days are harder than others. Tears just kept rolling down my face this morning. To be honest, I find it very hard to cry. Perhaps, I'm afraid that I won't be able to pick myself up after. Today, I am staying home and allowing myself to cry. I can't possible take care of others when I feel like I am crippled myself with grief. I miss my daughter so much. There are times, when I wake up in the middle of the night holding my tummy and thinking I'm still pregnant with her only to wake up to realized that she is no longer with me. I miss her so... My heart continues to ache for her.

In the next few days, I will be walking in the "Walk to Remember". I'll be walking in honor of my daughter and all our angel babies. No matter how hard it is to continue to walk forward and take courage, I will do so in honor of our babies. I'll take each step for them.

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Posted by elenahope | Comments: (5) | Permalink

NOTHING ELSE MATTERS

Sep 28, 2009 10:00pm (EST)

No matter how hard I try to fit in again in this society...I just can't. I just don't feel like I belong anywhere but here. Recently, I went to my niece's birthday and thought I'd be fine. For the most part, I was okay until I saw my husband's face filled with joy. It broke my heart. My heart is broken that I couldn't give him that same happiness of being a father. I did the best I can. Infact, I was happy to be there for my niece. However, I felt some people were uncomfortable to be around me. They tried their best to ignore my prescence instead. We stayed until the end of the party. Needless to say, I felt so drained...emotionally drained that is when we got home. I still do. All I could think of was how much I miss my daughter and wished she as here with me instead. My heart aches to see my hubby fall all over my niece. We both love her very much. but for some reason...it hit me differently yesterday. I felt jealous for once. I thought of how unfair I am to keep him from such happiness of being a dad. I actually thought of letting him go. I thought he would be better off without me. Last night, I asked him if he still loves me eventhough I couldn't give him a child. He said but ofcourse "yes". I thought of how great we are together. I think that's all that matters. How much we love each other and that we grow old together. Everything and everyone else do not matter...only if I could keep fighting and never give up. I have to convince myself that my life did not end when my baby died but instead it's a new beginning and chapter of my life.

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Posted by elenahope | Comments: (8) | Permalink

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