VENTING- Full Term baby......

Don't feel bad for venting or being angry, I think we've all been in your shoes.

I remember when my 2nd nephew was born and my 25-weeker was about 16 months old. My SIL hired an in-home nurse to take care of her newborn for the first week of life because she was afraid of how her older son would respond to the new baby so she didn't want to spend too much time taking care of the new baby and neglecting her older son - that and she wanted her sleep. I was so angry!!! I couldn't believe that she would give up those "mommy duties" so easily, just because they were going to be difficult. (Wow, my bloods starting to boil right now - see?!? It doesn't ever really go away! )

I just have learned to chalk it up to stupid people doing stupid things. If someone wants to jeopardize their bonding time with their new child because they are tired or afraid of neglecting other duties than they are weak and selfish. Maybe not, but I at least tell myself that to make myself feel better! Being a mommy is tough and going down the preemie road makes you appreciate things more.

On the flip side, I do remember always saying "If I get pregnant again, I will never complain during the pregnancy... I'll just be so happy if I can go full term". But about 7 months into my pregnancy with my son, I was complaining about my feet, how little sleep I was getting, and lots of other things. So I do also have to realize that I am not perfect *gasp!* and sometimes I need to cut other people more slack.

Anyway, Sorry for the rambling, but you definitely are not alone. I hope your SIL wises up and realizes how lucky she is.
-Jackie

Nah....nothing wrong with those feelings!!

I can't tell you how many times I've had to walk out of a hospital room because I was ready to blow up on someone because of such comments being made. There are so many things that I wanted to do for my daughters and was never able and will never be able to do. Hang in there, and do what you need to do to keep yourself sane in all of this. I hope that she never knows the heartache of a premature arrival, but until then hang in there...

Tracy

Completely normal feelings! Or atleast I hope so, since I, too, have them! I try to remind myself that I have experiences that make me appreciate my children on a different level than many/most people. I do not wish my experiences on anyone, they suck! So, when I hear others complain about the things I would love to have done or still wish I could do today, I try to smile and not become too judgemental. I silently pray that they never know the pain their words or actions cause.

Missy

Ah- your reply rang so TRUE!!! Thanks for rambling It's true- we preemie mommies are in an entirely different class, and I think I forget that. We have to deal with a lot more, and really I am happy she had such a healthy baby.... I don't know how she would have done if she'd had a preemie. I guess God really is careful for who gets those preemies.

And I was really happy to see your second baby was nearly full term....My first was 29 weeks and we are thinking of having another and I am really worried about a repeat of the whole NICU experience..... Did you have to go on bedrest or any special meds? Seeing this happen to others fills me with hope!

It is frustrating when people don't realize how lucky or easy they have it. I guess hardship is relative to what people know personally.

I had a friend actually tell me that she only had to make it to 25 weeks b/c that's how far I made it. The same friend didn't fully comply with doctor's orders for bedrest at 32 weeks b/c she was "OK" with having the baby then. Her boss (female) ordered her home from work when the boss found out that she was supposed to be on bedrest. When I told her at 32 weeks that "bedrest" was a big deal and that it wasn't "good enough" just to make it to 32 weeks and she was risking her baby's health, she only partially listened. She had baby at 37 weeks so things turned out well in the end. But geez. Same friend compared her 4 year olds couple hour stay in the emergency room (the child needed to a nebulizer) to our son's 109 day NICU stay.

There are certainly many different ways to parent, but I truly don't get the parents who turn over their child's care so easily to others. Some people, though, don't attached to babies as deeply as others. I certainly don't expect everyone to be "baby people," but when it is their child, it surprises me when people push back.

I will agree with everyone else-these feelings are normal! My son Tucker is three years old, and I still have a hard time going to baby showers or seeing newborns. None of my sisters or sisters-in-law have had babies since Tucker was born, though, so I haven't had to deal with it that closely yet. My aunt was pregnant while Tucker was in the NICU, and Tucker came home one month before my cousin was born. I'm sure she had many complaints about being unexpectedly pregnant, and then having a newborn, but I never heard them. So I am sorry that your sister is not more sensitive, maybe she is too tired to watch what she is saying in front of you.

I would have felt the same way you do in this situation, all of the old feelings come back!

Good luck,
Leigh

I lost my son on October 10 2008 at 19.2 weeks gestation - he had Anencephaly.
My sons due date was March 6th 2009 - my sil gave birth to a healthy little boy on January 18th 2009 - my sister in law didn't even know she was pregnant until 23 weeks - i knew at 5 - i was the one who was pregnant i was the one having another baby - she didn't know she was pregnant til 23 weeks come on!!! i then lost my baby - then she had hers- he is a constant reminder of my loss and the day he was born was more painful to me then the actual day i lost my son - but it wasn't jealousy, it wasn't resentment it was just sadness for myself!! and a reminder of what i would miss. don't even particularly like her but i would never want her to go through what i did or feel the pain that i feel. i was happy for them but i was not in a place where i could show my happiness so i didn't visit, i couldn't. I didn't go see him until he was a month old - he was on display the centre of attention and they were thoughtless and said things without thinking and i couldn't even hold him- i wanted to but just couldn't. but when i left i had a quick cuddle- i felt a lump in my throat but i kept control.
He is almost 6 months old and i admit i do not have much to do with him probably under different circumstances that wouldn't be so - it's painful to see him but i still love him.
I am also a mother of 3 healthy full term babies that are 10 8 and 2 now - it is soo true that you don't know what you have until you lose it. and i know that these people who seem to have perfect lives say the worst things i think that we just need to be patient with them and accept that we all have our battles no matter how big or little and hope that they never know what it is like to walk in our shoes.

I totally understand how you feel. I just had my daughter on June 13th, 2009. She was born at 26w5d. My water broke at 23w6d and I was on bedrest for 2 1/2 weeks until I went into labor. Words cannot describe how it is to give birth and not get to hold your baby, the NICU drs and nurses took her away to work on her, all I remember saying over and over was "is she alive?! is she alive?!" I remember my husband went over to see and started crying so i freaked out and started crying asking what was wrong and he said nothing that he was just crying b/c she was so beautiful. I remember asking "is she really a girl?" and the dr saying "im sorry i didnt even check, the NICU drs needed her right away" but she was a girl. Its so hard and when you try to explain it to people, they will never understand. My daughter, Felicity, is still in the NICU...shes been there for 37 days now and is doing great. She was born at 2 lbs 5 oz and is now 3 lbs 6 oz. She did get an infection the second week and they couldnt get her PICC line in and had to try several times, that was difficult to watch. But now she is doing good and growing bigger. But its difficult b/c i work with 2 pregnant women and i was the one that was due the latest, one is due in Aug, one is due beginning of Sept...and my original due date was middle of Sept...so its difficult to see them have big bellies, and wish so bad that i was still pregnant, with a huge belly, swollen ankles, roaring appitetie, etc. I miss that i never got to expreince being pregnant for a full 9 months, but i am so glad that my daughter is okay. I do get jealous though, its true that no one will ever truly understand how it is to have a preemie unless they have gone through it themselves. Your family and friends can be there for you, but they arent the ones that have to fight back tears when your baby is crying in her isolet and all you want to do is hold her, but you cant...b/c shes hooked up to tons of wires. Its also hard for other people to understand how exciting a first bath is outside of the isolet, how exicting the first time she got to wear clothes was, how much you look forward to her being in an open crib....its just stuff mothers of full term babies take for granted, I know I probabluy would have too, but now i never will. I feel your pain and jealousy! I watch a Baby Story on TLC all the time and get jealous, can you belive it?! jealous of people i dont even know! Just jealous that they have full term babies! They dont have to live with their baby in the hospital. Your not alone

completely understand as well. Before i explain, i have to preface this with saying that I keep reading statements that mothers of full term babies just don't understand what it feels like to have a preemie. But my daughter was full term, and we were in the NICU for 30 heart wrenching days, and I have my own bag of horror stories and nightmares. My daughter was born without the ability to swallow or suck. While in the NICU they discovered she has reflux too, which is especially dangerous for her since she couldn't protect her airway. Well, we have been out of the hospital for 2 weeks now, and my best friend has been amazing: supportive and helpful. The only problem is, she had a healthy baby 4 months before i did, and I've been having horrible feelings about it. She came over one day with 5 bags of groceries for us!!! Of course she brought her 6 month old, not to mention huge, baby boy. He made my 2 month old look like an embryo. And while i was setting up our feeding pump, which we use to feed my daughter through her G tube, my friend picked up her son and started nursing him. My heart dropped. And i knew it was going to happen eventually, and i would never expect her to try to avoid letting me see her normal experiences. But i do feel like yelling at her to thank her lucky stars every minute of every day that her little boy is "normal" and healthy. I feel like yelling at every mom with healthy babies that they should be ashamed of themselves for taking their babies health for granted; that they should be more appreciative of their situation.
This is a rough road, but it certainly feels better to talk about it with people who understand.

Welcome to Share. I am glad that your daughter is home but sorry you have had such a rough road. It sounds like your friend, at least appreciates that you are going through a rough time, if she brought you groceries. I found that some of our friends were supportive, while others gradually withdrew, and some just seem to have no ability to sympathize and always say things like, "i don't know why you're worried.." Or maybe that is their idea of a pep talk. In any situation, no matter how nice the other person is trying to be it can still be hard to see "normal" baby things. I still get jealous when I see hugely pregnant people b/c I never looked pregnant. People at work were shocked when i had a child. The feeling has waned but it is still a twinge, four years later. I hope you can find support here, I know I have.

Take care,
Ellen

Hi Marianemily

I understand exactly what you are going through. My daughter was also premature and it is hard and the journey is long and rough! She is 13 months today and I still feel like she is 3months old. She is so small she only weight 16lbs! People give me crazy looks when I tell them how old she is. I do get jealous when I see other moms with big chunky babies doing big kid things or things that they should be doing at that age and I wonder when will my daughter do that? I just keep telling myself that she will catch up and grow up too but in the back of my mind im thinking but when? Sometimes people don't realize how insensitive it is to complain about the minor things they are going through. Im sorry but your SIL really needs to think before she speaks and after seeing all that you've been through should realized that she is more than blessed. But for you things will get better I promise it just takes time! Take care and good luck!

All of my cousins had babies at the same time as I had my 28 weeker. Family pictures, Halloween and Thanksgiving passed and I was so jealous. I know they walked on egg shells around me because if they talked about the difficulties of motherhood I would break down. It was 3 1/2 months before I could take mine home.

He is 5 years old now and I feel like I have a little more perspective... I still give "the talk" to women who I say "I just wish the baby would come early!" but I think I can handle it better when someone complains about something I missed out on.

I think what we all need to remember is that if we are on this site we have had a unique experience. Whether our babies were small, early or unhealthy our experiences make the "hardships" of a healthy, term baby seem trivial BUT that doesn't mean it's not hard. When I hear women complaining about colic I want to scream at them about NEC. When I hear someone complain about baby crying at night I want to explain how much worse it is to hear silence from the nursery. But I don't. I try now to offer help if I can, a word of advice if I can but if someone were to break there ankle I hope I wouldn't say how much worse it is to break your leg.... doesn't mean I don't think it though!

I think we all feel the way you do... It's not just hard it's heart breaking but I have a family now (nurses, therapists, doctors, all of you) that know what I'm going through and we all know what miracles our babies are! I hope that as time passes you can take comfort in that.

I understand how you feel I lost my daughter at week 38. I have had 2 friends have their babies since then and one friend pregnant and hearing certain things they take for granted angers me. To hear them tell me how they just need a brake or how they just cant handle the crying or whatever else they have to complain about really make me want to scream yell and cry. I wish I could hear my baby cry I wish I had her to keep my up at night. I wish I could just hold her and know she is here. And yet they complain to me of all people about what they dont like about having an infant. It is still hard for me to walk near the baby stuff in a store or to know that these 3 friends of mine get to have their babies and I couldnt keep my baby. I blame my self daily. I deal with my depression daily. and they have healthy thriving babies and to hear them complain irritates me. I dont know if I will be able to get over it. But I do feel bad when I get irritated with them.

I am sure your friends mean no disrespect for you but they do need to take your thoughts into consideration more and it's ok to point that out. next time someone brings up how hard it is to do _____ because of baby, say "Can we please not talk about this? As a mom who lost her baby, it's too hard for me to hear".

Don't feel bad for being irritated. It's totally normal.

Hugs to you,
Jackie