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Bitter Sweet

krissy4 - 04:11am Jun 23, 2009 EST

Wow 8 and a half months have passed since losing my son Andrew - in theory it sounds like such a long time but in my heart the pain feels as fresh as yesterday.
I really hate when i remind someone how long it's been that they retaliate by saying "gee really that's gone soo quickly" i am quick to bring them back to reality by snapping at them "well it hasn't for me"

The past 2 months have been a time for celebrating for our family - On May 14th it was my sons 9th birthday and June 4th was my little girls second birthday and now July 3rd it's my 30th birthday - i have truly been happy - however i have found my self looking at everything and feeling the pain of bitter sweet..
Every milestone and celebration is scared with the fact that we are missing our son - am turning 30 and boy am i going to celebrate it - but i am reminded that i should be holding a 4 month old baby(i lost Andrew at 20 weeks) and i'm not Things have looked up for us lately. With the recesion my husband lost his job but just recently he was lucky enough to find a temporary job and yesterday he was offered a permanent position within the company - we are truly happy - and then we are guilty for feeling this happiness we shouldn't be happy - we lost our son - i didn't think i would ever smile again but i have but soon after my heart sinks again because with all that i have i still mourn what i've lost.
I also have a living reminder in the form of a nephew born 6 weeks prior to Andrew's due date - i am reminded all the time of what i am missing- of where he would be in milestones
Today i am happy but i am missing Andrew.
Does anyone else experience this bitter sweet feeling?


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Akeelah's Mommy - Jun 23, 2009 9:27 am (#1 Total: 3)  

A moment in our arms, a lifetime in our hearts.  

I left a message on your blog too, but, oh yes. Bittersweet is probably the word I use the most to describe my days, and if you go through the blogs of other mommies that have endured a loss chances are you'll find at least one post titled bittersweet.

I think there will always be a part of me that smiles while another part aches.

Lauren

Angel Love - Jun 23, 2009 10:51 am (#2 Total: 3)  

Looking forward to seeing you at Shareunion October 1-3 in Atlanta, GA!!  

Most definately!! It's been 6 years for me and it still seems like it all happened yesterday... I remember telling my husband that I would never smile again, but caught myself smiling later on and thinking what my daughter would want in a mom--a happy mom or a sad mom. It helped me to know that I am honoring her when I think of her a smile. I miss her more than anything, but know that she would not want me to live my life without happiness.

Tracy

Grace's Mom - Jun 25, 2009 10:30 am (#3 Total: 3)  

^i^D'Lon Grace^i^ ~ Forever 3 ~ Missing you every second of every day! (I HATE PH!)  

Bittersweet. It describes how I feel just waking up in the morning. Thankful for another day, but sad I have to live it without my daughter. It will be 9 months for us tomorrow, and 9 months ago I thought I would never smile or feel happiness again. 9 months later I realize this journey will forever run concurrently with whatever journey I am on for the rest of my life.

You and I are about the same place in our journey and I agree with you 100% some days it does feel like it was just yesterday. I wish you nothing peace and blessing as you navigate your way through this very impossible journey.

Take care,
Yolond



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