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WELCOME, GUEST |
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(2 members)
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Angel Bella …6 |
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lvazquez6 |
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THIS IS NOT HOW IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE....
ZacharyW |
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| Category: Home | Sun | Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat | | | | 1 | | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 |
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GUILT...
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Aug 28, 2010 02:37pm (EST)
Last night I went to a cupcake cooking class. It was great! I learned how to create 3 different cupcake creations AND taste test them all. In the end I shared 7 different cupcakes with my husband. Ummmmmm.....YUM!!! Here lies about 5% of my guilt. Oh to indulge and give into the desire to eat anything and everything. I don't do it very often - so it was worth a bit of guilt.
The other 95% of my guilt came from denying Zach. The instructor asked if this was my first child - in front of the class of 15 other students......frozen inside I said "yes." I hate myself. Here was an example of instead of being honest, I lied to help make the other person not feel uncomfortable. The guilt didn't settle in right away - I actually continued the class in the "I am a naive 1st-time mother." Making jokes about eating too many cupcakes and hoping that the baby was dancing in my belly and enjoying them too. I was acting. I was playing the part.
When I got in the car I not only felt sick to my stomach because of too much sugar, but I just felt awful that I had pretended to be someone I am not. As I drove home I apologized to Zachary -- I talked to my belly. Nothing really made me feel better....
Attached to this same blog is an email that I got from my current OBGYN yesterday. I had written her an email in the morning about my current LOW blood pressure(92/49), making sure that I was ok. I shared with her my hypothesis that maybe it was my low blood pressure that hurt Zachary - not my pre-eclampsia high blood pressure at the end. I am going to attach her reply so that you can read it. As you do, please note that her first line made my cry so hard that I couldn't stop for about 10 minutes -- hard, deep crying. I feel so guilty that my body killed Zachary -- the guilt!!!
Here is her reply to my email:
It wasn't anything you did or didn't do.
It had nothing to do with the amount of oxygen you gave him while sleeping. It had nothing to do with how healthy you were/are. We don't understand the disease, but it is probably some kind of "auto-immune"- like phenomena that began at the level of the placenta. Your blood pressure of 90/40 is totally fine. It's because you're so healthy, plus the pregnancy usually drops BPs a bit. Try not to worry too much. Stay on track with the sonograms and the visits. We'll catch anything this time before it has time to develop. Come in to talk any time you want.
Love, Jen
I feel so blessed to be able to write an email of concern to my OBGYN and within 15 minutes she has written a reply - and then to sign it with love. Yes, Jen and I were friends when I was pregnant with Zachary. She had just opened up an office during the last 2 weeks of my pregnancy with Zachary - or else she would have been our doctor. She is amazing and I am so thankful for her.
To wrap this up, I have guilt. Guilt that my body reacted to Zachary and in the end destroyed him. I am so devastated when I think about this! How can my heart want something so badly, and yet my body acted in the opposite way?!
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Posted by ZacharyW | Comments: (8) | Permalink
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I AM GOING TO GO!!!
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Aug 14, 2010 07:16am (EST)
Ok - ok -- after hearing who is going -- I quickly realized that I HAVE TO GO!!!!! Yippppppppppeeeeeeeeeee----my husband was laughing at me when we decided that I should go. I was so happy - I was saying oh I get to meet "Hospitalized and Confused", "Living With A Loss", "Samarella"s Journal".....and so on and so on......you all are so special to me. I have created a bond with you over the past year and I am so thankful for that bond. Without it I wouldn't be where I am today. When we lost Zachary - I thought I was the only mother out there. Finding SHARE, I realized that unfortunately I was wrong. Thank you --- yippppeee.
See you all soon.
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Posted by ZacharyW | Comments: (8) | Permalink
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OK-HEAD COUNT NEEDED
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Aug 12, 2010 12:19am (EST)
Hi everyone- lots of information going around about SHARE reunion. Was playing with the idea of going, but wanted to know who else was in?? I know Stacy will be there- I love your excitement and would love to give you a huge hug. Who else??
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Posted by ZacharyW | Comments: (8) | Permalink
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IT'S SOOOOO NOT THE SAME...
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Aug 10, 2010 05:37pm (EST)
I went to a prenatal yoga class this morning- I have been practicing yoga this entire pregnancy - but I hadn't gone to a prenatal class since Zachary. I didn't even think that I would have a problem with it - but I did.
Being surrounded by pregnant women was....scary. I couldn't help but wish for all of them a happy and blissful pregnancy with a very happy ending. I was nervous for them in their naivety. I wanted to inform them, but at that same time not breathe a bit of fear into their minds. It was so much harder than I thought - I don't think I will be returning......
This pregnancy is FLYING by. I am already at 16 weeks on Thursday!! I can't believe it! 4 months! I still haven't told my mom or my brother. I will have to next time I see them because I am definitely starting to pop. The good news is that with Zachary I had already gained 15 pounds by this time - little did I know that it was water weight due to the pre-eclampsia. Here I am gaining weight a lot slower. I feel so healthy - not so bloated. I feel like this is a VERY good sign!
We will find out the gender in a couple of weeks. Soooooooooooo excited! I really think girl -- but like my husband says, "it's a 50-50 chance."
Love to you all.
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Posted by ZacharyW | Comments: (6) | Permalink
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I AM THANKFUL FOR WHERE I AM AT.....
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Aug 07, 2010 03:56pm (EST)
It's funny -- I either write on my blog when I am really, really sad or I need to give myself a pep-talk. So today I wanted to share (and remind myself later) where I am on a daily basis.....
It has been almost 1 year since I last held Zachary. I can't believe that his birthday is only 5 weeks away. It seems like it was just yesterday - and then at the same time, it seems like a lifetime ago.
The transformation that I have been through since the loss of my son has been incredible. The first 6 months were so dark - so sad - so angry- so depressed. I barely remember anything I did during those months. Finally around March, things started to change. I started to take charge of my life - take charge of the direction I was headed. I started a regular yoga practice. Finding that Anusara yoga really worked not just aligning my body, but amazingly enough, aligning my mind at the same time. I began meditation -- finding simple meditations through i-tunes (MARC UCLA - Mindful meditations are free). I began to eat better. I began a journey to create this new me.
We often say that we are getting used to our "new normal." I figured that since I was creating a new me -- I could put in this mix anything I wanted to. I wanted to bring back parts of the "old" me -- and I wanted to add the many life's lessons that I learned throughout the difficult challenge of losing my only child.
Today I sit in the same chair I sat while pregnant with Zachary -- the same chair I sat in when I cried and cried after losing Zachary. Barely getting my blogs posted.... but today I sit here as a new me. I am so happy with where I am at today. I never thought I would be able to say that. I never thought I could be happy again --- but I am.
I wonder if I would be this grounded, this happy if I weren't pregnant again. I don't know. This pregnancy does bring with it a lot of hope -- but then at the same time it brings with it a lot of uncertainty. Nothing is certain --- but I do know that my attitude is certain. That the person I am is worth investing in. That the spiritual awaking I have been through has been one of the most amazing transformations of my life.
I thank Zachary for all of this. I believe that my son helped his mother grow in a way that couldn't have been possible without him. I am so in-tune with things happening around me. I see people differently. I see the day differently. I see that each experience brings with it the possibility for growth. Some experiences have given me nuggets of knowledge, while others have just added to who I am.
Zachary - I love you so much. I am so thankful that you are a part of my life. That I was lucky enough to have you for the 9 months inside of me and the 3 hours I held you. Your soul has taught my soul so very, very much and for that I am so thankful. I am so proud to be your mother. xoxoxoxo
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Posted by ZacharyW | Comments: (5) | Permalink
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INTERESTING...
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Jul 25, 2010 03:52pm (EST)
I have been a practicing Catholic all of my life. I was born into a Catholic family and that is my religion. Do I feel that Catholicism defines me - no. I don't like to think of my spirituality being restricted to only the teachings of the Catholic Church. Instead I embrace bits and pieces of spiritual knowledge from many different philosophies. I feel that my spirituality is this ever growing changing aspect of me. The woman I am today is so different than the woman I was a year ago, or the woman I will be a year from now. I like that. I see my spiritual self always learning new things - understanding things. And yes, I truly believe that the more you know, the more you question. My spiritual journey will never end -- and for that I am thankful.
I have been on such a spiritual path during this pregnancy. I feel this tremendous amount of love flowing into me. I feel like i am surrounded by a BIG embrace of love. I keep reminding myself that at my moments where I am filled with fear - that I need to live in the moment. If that moment is spending time with my husband, or a friend, or in yoga class. To be THERE. To really see the moment.
It's been so easy to look ahead - to wish for better days to come. OR to wish that I had the baby that is inside my womb, being held in my arms. BUT I need to continue to remind myself that I am in this moment. If I stay in this moment, I have less fear. I know the moment I am in; I don't know the moment that lies ahead.
Like my pep talk?
I have been reading this great meditation book called Bountiful, Beautiful, Blissful -- the motivation behind this ahhh-haaa moment. I feel good - and I want that to continue.
So --- the PLAN: continue to practice yoga, meditate, start my hypno-birthing CDs, and love, love, love my husband and this baby growing inside of me. Be in the moment of now and to breathe.
I was looking at my Zach pictures and found this one of the three of us - I love this picture because we actually look happy & proud. AGAIN, I am so thankful for the nurses who prompted us to smile and take these pictures. They are so precious to us.
Family Photo
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Posted by ZacharyW | Comments: (5) | Permalink
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BELIEVE.
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Jul 23, 2010 02:57pm (EST)
Hello - my good, good friends. I must admit to you that there is a part of me that doesn't want to share my current pregnancy with all of you. Some of you are trying so hard to conceive and I don't want to come across like I am putting it in your face. I have so much respect for all of you and I would never want to hurt you. Yet, at the same time, I remember reading the blogs of women who got pregnant after their loss and they filled me with so much hope. AND that is what I want to give you all more than anything -- because I too am being filled with hope as this pregnancy progresses.
I went to see the peri on Wednesday. It was the longest day of my life - my appointment was at 4 p.m. and time just seemed to move sooooo slowly. Finally, there I was, in his office with the goop on my belly. This peri really has it together - I had my own personal flat screen TV up on the wall and was able to comfortably see what they were looking at. I always feel a bit left out of ultrasounds because in the past I can only see part of the monitor - this time I missed nothing.
The baby looks great. It was inverted and doing a cross-legged handstand - a yogie already, just like its mommy. Its heartbeat was a strong 174. It measured bigger that we thought and he moved the due date up 5 days. (Which gave me some reassurance because Zachary always measured a little small.) The doctor said that the baby was "text book" perfect. He confidently said that this baby is strong and will make it. I love that he said this, but can he really be that confident?! Regardless, it helped me to be more hopeful.
The baby doesn't have down syndrome or trisomy. The only small red flag was that I am a bit anemic. So I have been trying to get more iron in my diet. There is always going to be something....
Now - my mental dilemma. The baby is prefect - but is MY body going to f$%# it up?! My body didn't start showing signs of preeclampsia until 29 weeks - so really I shouldn't start worrying until then. AND by then, I am hoping that this baby will already be different than Zachary. By 31 weeks Zach had started to slow down and wasn't moving "as much" in my belly. I am praying that this baby is the next Mia Hamm/David Beckham.
Here is to the moment I am in right now. I need to stay in the present and not look too far ahead. It only stresses me out. Here is to all of you in your moments, wherever you are.....
I wish you nothing but a good weekend of smiles and to feel the love that surrounds you. AND most of all I wish you hope.
xo
Zsuzsi
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Posted by ZacharyW | Comments: (6) | Permalink
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PEOPLE SAY THE STRANGEST THINGS
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Jul 02, 2010 09:39pm (EST)
I know they don't mean to hurt and sting us so.....but they do. People can just be so darn clueless. I know for many that Zachary's death wasn't the end of the world, like it was for me. BUT they need to be more sensitive. Even though it has been 10 months(almost 11!), I am still hurting. I am still healing.
I'm not going to get into it, but you all know the things that people say about babies......clueless of how it may sound.
Boo on those people. Boo on what they don't realize. Boo that I cringe whenever someone says the word "baby." Boo that I thought that being pregnant again would help - but I feel myself spiraling.
Ok - on another note. Yea - the pregnancy is going well. Yea - I have my health. Yea - we have an appointment with the peri in 2 weeks.
Breathe.
One last thing. The nurse that cut some of Zach's hair and included it in the box we got from the hospital is an angel. I am sooooooooooooo thankful for that hair. Today I sat on the bed and just bawled as I stroked the hair on my face. Man o man do I miss my little man. I love you so much Zachary.
One more Boo - pregnancy hormones suck!! Can I make it another 30 weeks?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Posted by ZacharyW | Comments: (9) | Permalink
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 Archives
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8 weeks and 4 days! Yipppeeee -- if it's a girl we are naming her Summer. Just kidding. I am so relieved! Here we go - every pregnancy is different. Believe. Believe. Trust. Believe. Breathe!! 
