March of Dimes

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THIS IS NOT HOW IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE....

ZacharyW

March 2010

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I HAVE A BEAUTIFUL CERVIX

Mar 09, 2010 07:57pm (EST)

Ok - ok....only a woman can find this being one of the highest compliments you could ever receive...."You have a beautiful cervix."

Why thank you doctor.

Everything else checked out normal and healthy. That is ex-zach-ly what I needed to hear. Plus, she did an ultrasound to see if I was going to ovulate and I actually got to see my egg in its follicle! Is that crazy! If we do conceive this month, then I will be able to say that I saw 1/2 of the baby before it was even a baby! It really was an amazing experience, and the rest of the day I just kept rubbing my left ovary and talking to it. Explaining that it has a very exciting job ahead --- oh the hope.

Then I went to my favorite restaurant. Got a cheese plate with a bunch of soft cheeses on it and had a wonderfully full-bodied glass of red wine. I had a party with the 1 1/2 of me and cherished the moment.

I am surprisingly confident. I think it is because of all of the signs and this feeling deep down in my gut that it is all going to be ok.

I have always had this ESP kind of gift where I feel like I know what the future brings. It is not enough of a feeling where I can totally count on it and tell other people about it in fear that it could be wrong -- but most of the time I am surprisingly right. Throughout my pregnancy and even prior to it, I had this bad feeling that I would lose the baby. It's hard to explain, but I remember even thinking to myself a week before Zach was born, "I am so surprised I made it this far and I am going to be a mother." I kind of knew -- but I wasn't confident enough to really listen to that voice -- nor did I want to! I would just push it off that it was "fear" talking......maybe I just knew.

I know I sound crazy - but none the less, I am excited about what could be around the corner.

Posted by ZacharyW | Comments: (5) | Permalink

I BELIEVE IN SIGNS

Mar 08, 2010 09:47pm (EST)

I really truly believe that God is giving me signs. Signs of a future - signs of hope. I just need to trust in Him. It is all going to be ok.

Even though it has been so easy to put me in tears the past week, I get the tears out and then become more balanced. More steady. It's almost like I have to cry to re-balance and then I am "ok" again.

My students have been poop-ers lately. I hate it when they feel they have to test me. UGH! Junior High. They cause me so much distress. It really makes me re-think my job. One of the recent letters I received from a well-intended colleague expressed concern that maybe everything that happened with Zachary was a result form the stress of being a teacher. I know it can be stressful -- I just have to continue to learn how to deal with that stress. For example, I am taking tomorrow off.

We are 5 days away and counting from...OVULATION!

I wanted to squeeze in one more doctor visit just to make sure everything was still an "all-clear." My stomach still has aches and I sometimes question if I have any lingering effects from pre-eclampsia. So.....just to quiet my hypochondriac mind, I am taking the day off...........

I miss you Zachary. Give your dad a little nudge tomorrow. He needs to feel that you are there with him too.....

zach foot b w

Posted by ZacharyW | Comments: (4) | Permalink

TOUGH DAY...........

Mar 04, 2010 05:15pm (EST)

Thank you SHARE MOMMIES. You really are such an amazing gift in my life. I read your blogs and responses to mine and I am so thankful.

Today was a poopy day. With a capital P!

I woke up sad. I cried before I even got out of bed. Hit TONS of traffic and was in the car way too long. Totally unmotivated at work and got little of my "to do list" done. Boo!

I am just deep down sad today. I think it is best if I just take a nap and try to "sleep it off."

Again -- I thank all of you. Your words help me soooooooooooo much! Your stories help create even a stronger bond with you. I thank you all.

Posted by ZacharyW | Comments: (4) | Permalink

PERSPECTIVE

Mar 01, 2010 05:34pm (EST)

Ok - March Madness has begun. We have decided to just "let things happen." No counting the days (yeah right). No prompting DH to "go do it, it's time (Ha! Ha!). No contraception --- YIPPEEE! Well, that is the plan -- I don't want to be super sensitive to my ovulation time, but who am I kidding. I know that right around MARCH 14th I am going to be FERTILE!!! I am going to want to make, make, make, make a baby.

I keep reminding myself to breathe. When I get too far out in front of myself. I remind myself to be in the moment. It has helped. My mind can just go, go, go and I am already down the road at 31 weeks into a pregnancy that hasn't even taken place yet.

Whew.....breathe.

Moment....now.

13 more days to go.

Posted by ZacharyW | Comments: (6) | Permalink

NOT WORKING IS A BAD IDEA....

Feb 19, 2010 11:26am (EST)

I guess I needed this week off to know how important it is for me to be working. It's not a good idea to be alone this much at home with my thoughts and pictures of Zachary. I feel myself slipping further and further into a new depression.

Also, realizing that I have been in "waiting mode" for so long now. Waiting to get pregnant, waiting for the baby to come, waiting to heal, waiting to get the ok from the doctor, waiting to get pregnant again. My days are just stuck --- waiting.

I don't want to live another year like this. It is so hard to just ....wait. I don't feel like I have purpose. I don't feel like I can enjoy my everyday because I am looking so far into the unknown future...hoping. Hoping for a baby in my arms....hoping that the next pregnancy will bring me a healthy and happy baby. Hoping.....

Looking forward to work on Monday. (I can't believe I just said that!)

Posted by ZacharyW | Comments: (6) | Permalink

LADYBUG

Feb 18, 2010 02:12pm (EST)

I went to the beach on Tuesday. Just wanted to sit there and think about Zach, soak in the sun and contemplate "trying again."

I went by the water's edge with my camera and tried to capture the beauty around me. I wasn't feeling very inspired and just was shooting "just to shoot." I wrote Zach's name in the sand and started to get a little more creative. Then I noticed that my shadow fell across his name when I stood just so, so I took a picture of the shadow of my arm lifting up his name. It started a waterfall of tears. The symbolism of the fact that I can't really hold my son, that the world he & I live in are just the unknown shadows. The intangible child of my thoughts.....

It really got me crying - I mean full out crying -- sobbing -- moaning -- crying....

I went back up to my beach chair and I cried some more and just asked God for a sign. I wanted help. I didn't want to figure this out by myself. I needed help.

So, as I am still crying I am holding my head and looking down at my belly when what do I see.....a ladybug.

If you have read my earlier posts, I have expressed that throughout my life I have always felt that God shows his love for me with ladybugs. I always see them when I need them most --- it's really awesome.

As soon as I see the ladybug, I start to cry harder. I know I am not alone. I know that this is not just strange coincidence. This is real. This is so from God that it's almost like looking at Him in the face. Here was the sign I had just asked for -- God is with me. I don't have to feel like I have to figure it all out. I just need to let go. I need to trust....

The story doesn't end here --- for the next HOUR the ladybug allows me to take many photos of it. Whenever I lay it down on the sand it scrambles to me and waits for me to pick it up. When I try to put it down, it doesn't want to leave my finger. It was really very cool. My husband thinks that it was Zach --- I think so too.

It was such an amazing experience. I pray that you all find some peace in any sign that you are given.

ladybug 040

ladybug 047

ladybug 033

Posted by ZacharyW | Comments: (6) | Permalink

DAY #1

Feb 15, 2010 02:11pm (EST)

My first day of "President's Week" Break. As a junior high teacher, I know this is a must-needed break. Since Zachary's death, I have been such an impatient teacher -- a mean teacher. I hate it. I am not myself. I want to really focus on healing this week. I want to become balanced and happy again.

I am still deciding on what we are going to do --
TRYING vs. WAITING.

As much as I want to start trying, I think I am leaning on waiting just a little bit longer. My NEW OBGYN is so amazing. She is encouraging me to VBAC my next baby. I started crying when she said this; I really thought that I would never be able to have a vaginal delivery after a c-section. She is very hopeful and explained that it is better for us in the long run. The only caveat is that we have to wait until May.

So....this week. FOCUS: healing, dealing, and finding peace in waiting. Off to run and a meditation class.....I am on my way.

I love you Zachary. You are my shining star and I miss you.

Posted by ZacharyW | Comments: (5) | Permalink

LOVE IS IN THE AIR

Feb 12, 2010 07:59pm (EST)

I love Valentine's Day. I love the hearts, the pink & red, the love. I am a total romantic. My husband always teases me saying that I am so "mushy" and "shmoopy." I just love to love. That's one of the many reasons why I want to have a living baby. I want to shower them with my love. I want to caress their every inch and teach them all of the wonderful, lovely things about life. I want to actively love my child.

I also want to note how important it is to have female friends. Best friends. Accuaintances. Women. We just have a different vibe. We know just what to say, when the men in our lives don't. I love men and for what they bring to my life - but without the women in my life, I have no idea where I would be.

BUT that is not what I sat down to write. No instead I want to write about the showering of love I received today.

So today.............today started with my husband making me breakfast - Love. Then when I went to work, a co-worker out of the blue, gave me the sweetest gift that really showed that she "gets it" - she "gets me" - Love. Then, a former student wrote me such a beautiful letter that gave me a pep-talk and exclaimed how beautiful and strong of a woman I am (yes, she's 12!) - LOVE! Then, I came home and saw that I had received flowers from my mother-in-law for "just because I was thinking about my daughter" - LOVE. Finally, I saw an amazing sunset, from our maker, sink into the beautiful Pacific Ocean - LOVE. Sheesh -- what an amazing day. The power that we have with love. To make someone feel so VERY, VERY special. What a potent gift we have been given. The people around me made me feel so special and made me feel like I mattered. My life has purpose.

So...............2 days before V-day - I wish you all lots of love. I wish you a smile. I give you all bouquets of virtual-flowers. I wish you nothing, but happy thoughts and wish that I can take a little bit of your sadness away by spreading this love in the air. AND I send you this amazing sunset (just in case you missed it!)

Peace.

beach suset

Posted by ZacharyW | Comments: (4) | Permalink

IT'S NOT GOING AWAY

Feb 09, 2010 05:38pm (EST)

I don't know why, but I think somewhere deep inside of me I feel that if I do something...maybe this pain will go away.

If I just lose 10 more pounds...I will feel better.

If I do one more yoga class, meditation....I will feel better.

If I go to church,pray....this will go away.

If I drink enouh wine...
If I listen to music loud...
If I get pregnant again....

However, deep down inside I know that this will never go away. The pain and hurt will take differnt shapes, but really....this will never go away.

It's so sad.

Posted by ZacharyW | Comments: (7) | Permalink

I AM GOING BALD

Feb 08, 2010 08:28pm (EST)

This sucks...this REALLY sucks. My hair is falling out like crazy. I have always had fine, thinner hair...but now it is really bad. Plus, the new stuff is soooooooo gray. I am only 36 years old. However, I am sporting the scalp of an 80 year old. Boo! This really is poopie!!!

Plus, I am alllllllllllllll over the place with trying again now....trying again in 3 months. The reason it has now been pushed to 3 more months is that my new OBGYN is asking us to think about VBAC. She has so much confidence that "next" time it it going to be a better outcome --- that "next" time I will get the birth story I wanted......

Delivering naturally was so important to me 6 months ago. I was taking hypno-birthing classes. Telling the world that I would do it all without drugs. I even was asked to be in an Oliver Stone movie. (That's what you get for living in LA.) Yeah, they wanted to film the birth and capture the look of awe and happiness in our eyes. Little did we know that 2 weeks after letting them know that we weren't interested, that we would have horror and sadness in our eyes. But that is a whole different topic........

I wanted to have the natural birth. I trusted my body so much. NOW I am doubting it. I know I don't have to make the decision right now if I will VBAC or c-section with a given birth date. I don't have to make the decision now, but DH and I have to make the decision to wait 12 more weeks. 12 more weeks....I know, I know, it's not THAT long, but I also know that YOU all understand that....12 MORE WEEKS!!!!!!!!! It feels like forever!

I just want my hair back. I want my waist back(getting closer). I want my baby back. Today I am just sitting here......WANTING!!!

Posted by ZacharyW | Comments: (7) | Permalink

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