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ANGEL KYLIE'S MOMMY: MY JOURNEY

angelkyliesmommy

September 2010

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BEING ME ISN'T THAT GREAT....

Jul 05, 2010 08:23pm (EST)

So of course this is my place to moan and groan, but it is also a place I don't want to hurt feelings or upset anyone. I'm in between a rock and a hard place here, but I need everyone to know how I'm feeling because I'm just so sad right now.

It is no one's fault, because I'm so happy for my friends, but it was just all thrown on me at once. I have two friends who announced they were pregnant today, and another that I just found out because I did not see when it was announced, so three pregnancies known to me in one day. I guess individually, they wouldn't have affected me so much, but all at once, well, is a little overwhelming. It awakens so many emotions in me: the fact that I miss Kylie so badly, that I long for her and want her with me and wish to raise her like any normal mother would. The fact that I am NOT a normal mother in any sense of the word. The fact that 9 months after losing Kylie, I am still not pregnant. The fact that I didn't ovulate last month, which means i can't get pregnant if I don't ovulate...

I want to be a mom so badly and I see everyone around me getting the very thing I wish for. I don't wish it to be taken from them, and I don't wish for them not to be pregnant... I just want to know when it will be my turn again. I cannot wait another 5 years to conceive again... it will devestate me.

On top of that, I am feeling abandoned and forgotten by my "friends" again, so what else is new there? I am always pushed aside, forgotten, and ignored. I honestly think a lot of them don't want to be around me because I depress them or something.

On a better note, Chris goes back to work tomorrow, and he got paid for more than what we expected, so that was a positive. Also, my parents bought me a new smooth top stove for my kitchen since we're doing the remodel due to the water leak.. my very first smooth top stove, and it was originally a $780 stove that they bought from HHGregg for like $430! Amazing! It has the four burners with a warmer section in the middle, self cleaning oven, with steam clean option, and no visible oven elements. Very sleek and very nice... I am just beyond excited about it.

Missing my baby girl today... so much.

Posted by angelkyliesmommy | Comments: (2) | Permalink

HAPPY 9 MONTH BIRTHDAY, KYLIE BRIELLE!

Jul 01, 2010 08:49pm (EST)

9 months ago right now, at this very moment, at 10:20 PM on October 1, 2009, I was in a hospital bed in the antepartum unit of Huntsville Hospital while my daughter approached her one-day mark in a Giraffe bed in the NICU, depending on ventilators, medication, and nurses for her survival.

9 months ago right now, I was a basket case of emotions; I was excited, because despite the situation, I was actually a mommy. A real mommy that gave birth and delivered a little girl that my husband and I created. I was scared because so much could go so wrong, and my little girl had a long, hard road ahead of her. I was exhausted because of the lack of sleep over the course of the past month while dealing with hospitals, doctors, and severe pain. I was hormonal, because I had just given birth and my body was going through all kinds of crazy stuff. I was happy because my dream of motherhood came true and because despite everything, Kylie had a good first day. I was on cloud nine because I got to touch my little girls hand, a hand that I never truly imagined I'd see, ever. I was so many things at this moment.

9 months ago right now, my world was so different. I was planning the future, looking ahead at the obstacles we would have to overcome, making plans for therapists, and preparing my friends and family for the long road we were embarking upon. I knew things wouldn't be easy, but I never imagined that my path would become what it has.

Fast forward to the present...

I am still a basket case with emotions. I am happy that my daughter is no longer suffering, that she has eternal peace and happiness. I am happy that I am a mom, in all aspects of the word, and that I have two weeks of beautiful memories with my daughter. I am thankful for the blessings she has shown me and for the blessing of her life. I am thankful for the impact she is having and will continue to have on others, this community, and the world. I am sad, so sad, that I have to mother her from earth while she resides in Heaven, and I am sad that I cannot watch her grow into the woman I always imagined her to be. I am grieving for the life that will never be, the boyfriends she'll never have, the opportunities that will never come, the wedding I'll never help plan... I am grieving for the life I had planned for my little family and the future that is forever altered. I am angry with God, with doctors, with nurses, for taking my daughter, or not doing what I thought they should do to help her, or not giving me options to protect her. I am angry that medical professionals did not take me seriously and did not listen to what was going on. I am angry that I have to continue my life without my child. I am hurt, deeply, by all that has happened and that will happen because of losing my daughter. I am hopeful, hopeful that Kylie's memory will help others have a chance at life, cope with losing their own children, and/or raise awareness to prematurity, NEC, and baby loss.

Right now, I miss my daughter more than I have missed anyone in my entire life. My heart aches, constantly, for her. I know I say it every day, and many times a day, but my life is empty and missing a piece without her. This pain is nothing I would wish on my worst enemy. I am constantly beating myself up with guilt, with pain, with anger, with hurt. I am constantly analyzing and asking the "what ifs..." I am lost without her. Sure I have projects and things to occupy my time, but it doesn't mean that I am okay deep down inside.

Days like today show up every month... her birthday and her angelversary. 2 days of a month that just tear me down and depress me more than I have been in a while. Just when I feel I am able to cope better, to handle it better, I fall to pieces, like today.

My dearest Kylie,

You are the light of my life, sweet angel. My world exists because of you. I always knew I would love my children, but until I actually had you, I had no clue of the power of a mother's love. It far surpasses any love that you can have for someone. Yes, my baby girl, I am so sad that you will never experience a love such as that. I know, despite how short your life was, that you would have been a beautiful, fantastic, loving mother. Your heart is so pure, and I know that your heart would have always been pure. The ability to love purely, deeply, and honestly would have made you an even better mother than me.

My love for you is so overwhelming at times, that I just cannot seem to put it into words. Of course I love your daddy, and I could not bear to be without him, but even my love for you is different from that. Your daddy and I both agreed that though we love one another, we love you MORE than we love each other. It doesn't make us love each other any less, but both of us would do absolutely anything and everything for you. Kylie, it is hard to explain in words... just trust me on this one. You are a creation that came out of love, mutal respect, honor, and trust. Your daddy and I wanted a child of our own more than anything, and we have always wanted to be parents. When we found out we were going to have you, nothing else mattered. YOU and your life were what mattered. It is our job to protect you, to love you, to teach you, to care for you, and to respect you. The fact that you are a combination of us, well, that makes you so special. Even more special than daddy and I are to each other.

I want you to know that very few children are wanted more than you were. Not that others were not wanted, but no one could love you and want you like me and your daddy. Today, I celebrate the life you were given, the life you gave to me, and the gift of you. It saddens me more than you could ever comprehend, to have to celebrate your life when you no longer have an earthly one, but I will always celebrate you. You, my daughter, are perfection. You are love. You are what life is all about.

Kylie Brielle, I hope today was a beautiful day in Heaven, and I hope the night stars shine brightly upon you, bathing you in light, warmth, and love. I hope that you had the most delicious chocolate cake, and I hope that you felt close to me and daddy today. I miss you dearly, and I love you with every fiber of my being. You, sweet baby girl, are my life, and I don't every want you to forget that. Happy 9 month birthday, angel. You are mommy's heart.

As always, be sweet.

Love forever and ever,

Mommy

Posted by angelkyliesmommy | Comments: (4) | Permalink

MORE DISAPPOINTMENTS...

Jun 28, 2010 08:41pm (EST)

Chris went back to the doctor today. His white blood cell count is higher than normal, which means he's fighting an infection of some kind. This means he is off work without pay for ANOTHER week... and this is just getting to be entirely too much. That means that this next pay check will only have 3 days on it, and the next one will have 4 or 5. We can't live like this!

We are officially living with my parents now. Demo starts tomorrow on our kitchen, laundry, coat closet, and bathroom at least- but my dad is afraid the damage has come to the living room too, which means even more demo... sheesh.

And I forgot to add all the problems I've been having health-wise. I started my period May 1, and then waited patiently until June 1 with no period. I took 5 pregnancy tests over 10 days and nothing was positive. So, I called my new ob/gyn (who was my previous ob/gyn in 2007), and the nurse called back and told me I must not be pregnant and just to keep my appointment June 24, and I'd be fine. When I tried to explain my history, she talked over me, not listening to me talk about my pains and cramps, how sore I was, and why I was concerned. I sent a nasty email to the office, where an office manager called me right away and said she would take it to the doctor that evening and she would be calling me back asap. To this day, no one has called me back.

Because I was so frustrated with it, I talked to my RTS leader, whose husband is a very well known OB/GYN in this area. He, along with the doctor who started my c-section with Kylie, have been practicing in Huntsville for at least 30 years. Ellen kindly volunteered to ask her husband if he could get me in the next day, and I told her that would be wonderful - I've heard nothing but positive things about him. She got back with me within 15 minutes, and had my appointment set for the next day and said I just needed to confirm with the nurse. So I called right away, and immediately, I had very good feelings about this change- the nurse was so super sweet and listened to what I was telling her, and so she had Dr. Harris very prepared for me the next day. When I came in, he had not yet received my records, since it was so sudden, so the first 40 minutes were spent filling him in on my history and what happened. He asked a TON of questions and was very openly critical of some things that happened to me. He was very thorough and I liked that. He did a physical exam, and then decided to take me back to the ultrasound room because he was unsure what was causing all the pain and discomfort.

Lo-and-behold, when we got the US, he informed me that I didn't ovulate last month at all, which is why I didn't have a period. WTH? I was told my PCOS symptoms would get better after having a baby, and here I am, not even ovulating?!?! Immediately, he started me on provera, and then told me to do an ovulation kit this month. When I see a surge, call the office. If I don't see a surge, call the office, and we'll start again. Then, next month when/if I surge, he wants to see me for blood work to see if he can determine what my body is doing and if it is doing it right. He wants to help us conceive again, and that is so great. I have good feelings about him. I'm thankful to have finally found a doctor who will LISTEN and who will support my concerns.

So yes, my period came on Friday, so I've been overly emotional and a little crazy, but that's okay. I just hope that I do ovulate this month so we can get this show on the road... just a few days and it will be Kylie's 9 month birthday... it's hard to believe that it has been that long.. and oh, how much I long to hold her in my arms again...

Posted by angelkyliesmommy | Comments: (2) | Permalink

ALMOST 3 MONTHS...

Jun 27, 2010 10:54pm (EST)

My last post was April 30. Wow- so much has happened since then.

First off, let me say that I feel like I stopped blogging on here because I was being too selfish and needy. I started using FB as my way of communicating with people, because I had instant feedback, and I had lots of it. With Share, some days the response is a lot and fast, and some days, there might not be any blog comments at all. I know, terribly selfish of me, but I became a vulture, waiting for any comment to be posted, and when there were none, I was upset and thought I'd been abandoned, and then when there were some, I wanted more... it was a terrible thing. Now that I've gotten over most of that, I came back. I'm sorry it took so long, and I'm sorry I was so needy.

On to what has been going on:

1. I believe I mentioned in a previous post that I was asked by our RTS leader to join a perinatal death community action team. The team's goal is to raise awareness in the community to help grieving parents, prevent premature births and pregnancy losses, and help doctors offices help parents deal/heal/cope/learn. This group has provided me so many resources already to help others, and it is proving to be very therapeutic: I have started working on an October 15 ceremony for our area (I live near Huntsville, AL, so it's for the surrounding areas of Huntsville- a HUGE deal!), as well as getting a foundation started in Kylie's memory so that every parent who leaves the hospitals (there are 2 main ones) in our area without their babies gets the book _Empty Cradle, Broken Heart: Surviving the Death of Your Baby_. The October 15 ceremony is taking a lot of effort- I was even assigned to create a facebook group for baby loss in our region. Through all of this, I have been connected with the marketing department of our main hospital, who is more than willing to help with promoting the event, and they even want me to review all materials the hospital will be giving to bereaved parents to make sure they are sensitive and informative. It seems like one door has opened a dozen others, so I know that I will be extremely active and busy with this for years to come.

2. We are still the top family fundraising team from the March for Babies with $8,014. We were awarded our plaque, and my regional director asked for me to send my story and pictures for her to send to her bosses- they are putting our story on the website! Can you believe it? Hopefully more people will get to meet my little angel and be touched and inspired by her short, yet priceless, life.

3. Our local magazine, Valley Babies, that is in all OB/GYN offices and other places in the community, has requested an article about Kylie and our story. This should be published in the August/September issue (when I find out more, I'll post a link).

4. I have become a coupon-a-holic. Yes, folks, I am one of those people in the grocery store with my coupon BINDER, with my coupons in those card-collecting sleeves, and my ten-of-the-same-items because-i-have-ten-coupons kind of shopping items in my cart. It has become therapeutic as well, and it is really a game for me- how much money can I save, and how much can I stock up on? I have been really doing well, saving between 60-75% each shopping trip! P.S.- if you want help on this, I can so help you out. I love it! Find me on Facebook- Amber Lanford Keith or email me: angelkyliesmommy@gmail.com

5. I have started a blog on blogger to reach out to others, not just on Share, but others who blog or who just want to follow me. I still think Share is "my" space, where I don't want just any of my family and friends coming to. Share is for me. Blogger is for them to share with me.

6. All kinds of bad things have been happening: Chris's motor burned up in his truck, he's been out of work most of June with poison ivy (workman's comp paid) and double pink-eye with bronchitis (AGAIN- but this is without pay for 7 days!), we found mold in our house which has led to widespread mold due to a shower leak, so we are back at my mom's living because our house is about to be torn to shreds (thank god for insurance), we're broke (as always), and Jaycee's mother tried to take her away from us permanently (we got that sorted out, but it was miserable for a few weeks)... it has just been one huge roller coaster.

Hope everyone has been doing well...

First picture is me getting our award (my daddy made and donated the plaques this year!)

The second picture is me and Chris on our 6 year wedding anniversary. See Kylie's orb in my hair? I felt so peaceful knowing she was in that photo.. .

The next picture (3rd) is mother's day- I went and spent some alone time with my little angel, and took her a balloon and a rose, and I read to her from her special book.

The next picture is father's day- Daddy and his girls together. We brought her her 4th of july flowers (yes they don't fit, but i like them) and decorations.

The last is Jaycee being a goofball, getting ready to go "pimmin" as she calls it..

firstplaceangelkyliehope

ouranniversary kylie orb

mothers day kylie grave

fathers day

jaycee cheesin

Posted by angelkyliesmommy | Comments: (5) | Permalink

APRIL 30

Apr 30, 2010 08:02am (EST)

Today is the day last year I found out I was going to be a mommy. Man have I cried a lot in the past two weeks.

To make matters worse, I am 4 days late and have had 2 negative pregnancy tests.

If I start today, that would be one of the cruelest jokes mother nature could play on me.

Tomorrow is our 6 year wedding anniversary. Last year, for our 5 years, we were celebrating two things: our marriage, and our newly-discovered parenthood/child. This year, we are mourning.

I am really down, and I am really hurting.

Not to mention that my ovaries are killing me, and I'm not having really any cramps. I am afraid again that I might have more cysts. A doctor's visit might be in order.

Please pray for peace and healing. It is getting difficult again.

Posted by angelkyliesmommy | Comments: (2) | Permalink

ANOTHER ROUND OF FIRSTS

Apr 27, 2010 07:12am (EST)

After a month or two of no "firsts"... they have now slapped me in the face again. This time last year, I was pregnant. Three days from today will be one year exactly to the day that I found out I was going to have a baby. April 30, 2009 was the most exciting day I could have imagined... a mommy. That day, I knew I was a mommy. The next weekend was mother's day... my first mother's day! My mom bought me the pregnant willow tree mom, and we were all so happy. I was going to have a baby! Me!

Now we're back to that... my first mother's day without my daughter. My first wedding anniversary without my daughter. The next 6 months, all I will be able to think about is the fact that this time last year, I was pregnant. I was pregnant, and my little girl was safe inside my tummy, kicking me and flipping and flopping... god, I want that back so badly.

I have been an emotional mess for a week now, and until Sunday, I didn't realize why. Mother's Day is a day I truly dread, even more so than Christmas and Thanksgiving. That day for me has always been sad without having a baby, and then last year was the best one ever... and now, it's even worse than not being able to get pregnant at all. I am not pregnant, I don't have Kylie, and it's all wrong.

I don't know why I thought the firsts would be over. Honestly, I know deep down they will never end, but this is just staring me in the face... how could this happen to me? What did I do that was so bad or so wrong to deserve this kind of pain? I drove by a church this morning and the sign said something about god will never leave us... and I truly feel he did. He left me in the cold. He abandoned me, because there is NO REASON to take a baby from a capable, loving, desperate mother. NO freaking reason. He didn't need her. He has plenty of people up there with him. I need her. I want her. I am her MOTHER for crying out loud!!! How can I worship a god that I blame for taking my child from my womb too early, for taking her from this world too early, for leaving me childless and empty? I am so angry with God and religion right now. So angry. I can't do this anymore. I am so fed up with people telling me "it's god's will." Well what the hell about MY will? If it were up to my will, she would have been born near her due date, would be perfectly healthy, and I wouldn't even have to use this blog, or visit a cemetery, or stare at an empty nursery, or stare at blood stained blankets and blood pressure cuffs. No, if it were up to my will, I would have my Kylie with me.

Kylie, my life-long love, you are my absolute everything. I love you more than words can say, I miss you more than anyone and anything in this world, and I need you with me so desperately. You are a gift, a miracle, and my little hero. I am so sorry I couldn't do more to help you stay with me, or to save you from this horrible fate. I want to hold you so badly... I have been picturing those moments a lot lately- me holding you, rocking you, crying and telling you how sorry I was and how much you meant to me.. .and that I will always love you. You are my inspiration, my heart, my soul, my life.... and I am having the hardest time going on with my life right now without you here with me. Please forgive my anger... I am just so lonely without you. I am never angry with you. You are perfect, my heavenly angel. Love, Mommy

Posted by angelkyliesmommy | Comments: (4) | Permalink

MARCH FOR BABIES 2010

Apr 22, 2010 08:08am (EST)

So it is now over! Our March for Babies was last weekend, April 17, 2010. I worked on helping set up and worked with registration at the beginning of the walk. We then took our huge group picture (there were like 70 of us), and then the opening ceremonies began. As our ambassador mom was on stage addressing the crowd of about 1,000 people, our regional director came and found me and Chris. They pulled us on stage and talked about Kylie and our loss and then our journey to find something positive through the MOD and the March for Babies. They then announced as as (as far as they knew) the top family fundraising team in the state! We raised over $8,000!!!!!!!!!!!! What a huge blessing! The walk was beautiful, it was a perfect day, and I am so blessed to have such a sweet little angel. After telling Kylie's story, it really seemed like Kylie was the reason others were walking, too.

See pictures!
First- Jaycee's special shirt. it says "I walk for my Baby Tister, Kylie Brielle!"
SEcond- the front of the shirts- I designed them myself!
Third- me and my best friends
Fourth- me and my favorite student of all time
Last- Mile 4

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P4010765

P4010776

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Posted by angelkyliesmommy | Comments: (5) | Permalink

TOMORROW IS 6 MONTHS SINCE WE LOST OUR ANGEL...

Apr 14, 2010 06:46pm (EST)

My dearest Kylie Brielle,

You never cease to amaze me, little angel. Never, ever. The power of your two-week life is overwhelming-the amount of people you have touched, the love and joy of life you have taught those who both knew you and never met you... today, at this very moment, I could never be more proud of you than I am at this very moment. Because of you, my daughter, YOU, we have over $7,500, which is $7,000 more than my original goal. All of this is because so many people were touched by your story, the story of your life and your death, the story of your struggle, the miracle of your life, and the story of the joy you have brought to my world.

When we as parents make plans for our children, we all know from the beginning that we want our children to be succesful in whatever it is they do. We want them to be healthy, happy, and successful. My hopes and dreams for you were no different, but I had so many more. But, you are now eternally healthy and happy in the arms of Jesus, and oh, tiny little miracle child, you are more succesful than I could ever imagine being in my lifetime. You are my inspiration, my hero. You are everything i want to be and more- no one can ever take away from you your innocence, your beauty, your strength. If you only knew how much I admire you... words cannot express how much I admire all of you and your beautiful qualities. I could not have asked to be blessed with a more perfect child.

As I write this to you, the tears have found me once again. Here lately, I felt they had left me, but now, in the success of our fundraising efforts, and thinking of why we are doing this, I feel again... I feel that desperate yearning for you to be here with me, I feel that aching heaviness in my arms, wishing for a baby to hold. I feel that rip in my heart, where it tore permanently when you left me. I think of you and how it isn't fair that this gift to the March of Dimes in your name, honor, and memory, is the only gift I can give you. I can't wrap your birthday presents for you to unwrap, and I cannot bake you a cake to eat... I can't do the things other mommies get to do with their children. I know I cannot change what has happened, but I'm sure you already know that I would if I could. However, my pain, my agony, my heartbreak... none of it compares to how proud I am that I can call you mine. I am eternally blessed with the joy of being your mother. I asked God so often, and still do, how I got so lucky to be your mommy, how I did so many things right to deserve you. Oh, baby girl, I love you more than anything, and I always will. Right now, I cannot tell you enough how much I love you, and equally, how much I miss you.

You are such a fighter, Kylie. I watched you fight the toughest battle i could ever imagine... a battle no mother wants to watch their child fight, yet you kept defying odds. I assure you, I begged God to take me instead of you, to give you a chance at a life, because you just began. I tried everything to keep you here... but I also knew when enough was enough-- you suffered and fought long enough, and the peaceful expression on your face as you were placed in my arms helped me to realize that it was okay for you to stop fighting, as painful as it was for me. I want you to know that I am SO proud of you, and I am so proud that you were so strong. I never ever fault you for anything- you are perfect.

So my sweet baby, when we walk on Saturday, we are walking for you and your strength. And when I feel like I can't go any further, I will think of you, and I will fight the urge, just like you fought for your life. When we feel weak and tired and just plain worn out, your memory will keep us going. When I want to give up, when i want to stop because it's too much, I won't, because it would be dishonoring you and your life. I am going to be strong for you, little girl. I can't promise I won't cry, as I have been most of tonight, but I can promise I will finish for YOU. I love you so, so, much, and this is all because I love you.

I think it is appropriate to share words to Jo Dee Messina's "Heaven Was Needing a Hero:"
"I came by today to see you, though I had to let you know, if I knew the last time that I held you was the last time I'd of held you, and never let go... though it's kept me awake nights wondering, i lie in the dark jsut asking why... i've always been told, you won't be called home until it's your time... i guess Heaven was needing a hero, somebody just like you... brave enough to stand up for what you believe and follow it through... when i try to make it make sense in my mind, the only conclusion I come to... is Heaven was needing a hero, like you..."

"...you're such a part of who I am, now that part will just be void, no matter how much I need you now, Heaven needed you more.... cuz Heaven was needing a hero, somebody just like you... brave enough to stand up for what you believe and follow it through... when i try to make it make sense in my mind, the only conclusion I come to... is Heaven was needing a hero, like you..."

Kylie you are a hero to so many people. You are my hero, for sure, but you are a hero for all the babies who will benefit from knowing your story, all the researchers who will use the money we donated to find cures for NEC and other deadly diseases.... you are a true hero, Kylie Brielle. A true hero.

God, thank you for blessing me with such an amazing child. Thank you for allowing her to touch the hearts and lives of so many people, and thank you for giving me the chance to love as a mother does. Thank you for Kylie, though her life was so, so short. Thank you for my daughter.

I love you and miss you so much... and as always my sweet miracle child, be sweet, and good night.

With forever love,

Mommy

kylie one week old mommy and daddy hands

Posted by angelkyliesmommy | Comments: (3) | Permalink

AND A NEW KIND OF GRIEF?

Apr 12, 2010 09:22am (EST)

Well, I know I've talked about my problems with my marriage for a while, and no, they haven't gone away. As a matter of fact, they existed before Kylie was conceived, and while I was carrying her, and htey came back quickly after her passing.

I am getting stronger in my desire to leave Chris. I have thought about it for awhile, but it seems to be really working on my heart strings lately. I ask myself.. what if we were not meant to be? what if I should be with someone else? what is it like to kiss someone and feel that spark again? what is it like to truly be happy?

I think I love Chris, but not the same way. I resent him for a lot of things, get angry with him easily, and am even embarrassed by him some. I haven't worn my wedding rings since January. We fight 24/7, and I'm truly not happy. I'm having some big trust issues with money and other things, and of course, there's the huge problem of his family.

My mom said that we need to go to counseling before signing any papers and even see if its worth saving. If it's not, then she'll support a divorce. I am beginning to feel that that is what needs to happen.

To complicate things, a person from my past has come back into my life recently, and just talking to this person has me thinking so many things. This person I met at the beach when I was young... and we even had a long distance relationship for over a year, and he was able to come up and take me to my junior prom. I have always wondered about him, and thought of him, but now that we are talking again, it isn't helping my feelings and such with Chris. I would never cheat, but the thoughts going on in my already confused head are just insane. I get the feeling this person has thought of me too, and it puts another thought in my head: is he really the person I was meant to be with after all these years? we haven't seen each other since prom 9 years ago. 9 years.... and yet, i can talk to him like i just saw him yesterday. He's so different from Chris, and the things that annoy me about Chris, he doesn't have- he's the opposite- so many admirable qualities. He is divorced and has a 5 year old, but he has suffered a great tragedy in his life that has broken him as well- the loss of his brother in the past few years. It's not the same grief, but grief hurts just the same. He understands why I'm broken and what is going on with me is hard... he's just been so kind to be there for me.

I've talked to 2 close friends and my sister about him and this situation, and the conclusion is that I am unhappy, and when we are unhappy we try to find things that make us happy, and for some reason, talking to James is making me happy, and maybe it is a sign that my marriage is not going to work itself out. None of them believe that I am wanting to leave Chris because of James- he just happened to pop up in my life at the coincidental time of me thinking of ending my marriage anyway.

I am calling a counselor today. Through the local Mental Health Services department, my insurance will pay for relationship counseling. It is worth a shot, that's for sure, but I almost feel my mind is made up.

I have decided in all of this to start living for me again (and for Kylie, of course, but she is in Heaven, so I must live on Earth for her). I started a diet yesterday and an excercise program with the Wii so that I can feel better about myself. I wanna be high school skinny again.. hahaha... though it never really was skinny, just much lighter than I am now. I have also spent most of the weekend out of the house- which was so good for me (and most of that time it was without chris!).

So just keep me in your thoughts. I've got a lot on my mind.

Our walk is in 5 days... We hit $6500 this weekend =)

Posted by angelkyliesmommy | Comments: (4) | Permalink

HELLO, GRIEF, IT'S ME AGAIN...

Apr 09, 2010 07:56am (EST)

So in all of this "busy" stuff, I have forgotten to grieve. Okay, so I haven't forgotten. I've just forced it down. I felt that giving myself so much to do would help me cope, help me deal, and that the tears would end and I would be okay.

Wrong, Amber. How wrong you are.

Last night at RTS, the infant and pregnancy loss support group, we watched a video, Footprints on Our Hearts. Even though it was from the early 90s (yes, interesting hair, clothes, and BLUE eyeshadow), the words these mothers said... it just rang so true. It made me realize that staying busy and doing all of these things does not cover the pain that I feel all the time, the tears that are always on the brink of falling, the cries of sadness that rest just at the back of my throat.

Staying busy and masking these feelings makes me feel "normal" at work, but it does nothing but make me feel guilty on the inside when I feel like I'm not letting myself feel what I should.

To hell with what others think. I'm done trying to please everyone and act okay. I am NOT okay. I miss Kylie with ever fiber of my being. I miss my baby. I want my baby. Kylie belongs with ME, not in Heaven. She is supposed to mourn my loss when I'm old and she had kids of her own. She is supposed to plan MY funeral, my burial, the songs for me. She is supposed to explain to her children that I am with Jesus... she is supposed to mourn me as an ADULT.

This sucks. Stacy, I hate my shoes today.

I miss my baby so much.

Kylie, you are my pride and joy, and your birth completed me in ways that I cannot explain. You are the most priceless gift. I miss you terribly, and I love you with all my heart.

If you did not get to look at the interview that I linked up in my last post take a look at it. Thank you to those who commented- It was a great thing to do. I call Kylie my little tv star now!

Posted by angelkyliesmommy | Comments: (3) | Permalink

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