March of Dimes

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ANGEL KYLIE'S MOMMY: MY JOURNEY

angelkyliesmommy

March 2010

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WOW- LONG TIME

Mar 08, 2010 11:06am (EST)

It has been awhile since I've posted- how odd for me! I don't know why I have neglected Share - I guess the there is so much going on in my world that I haven't had the time.

Great news- my team has 54 walkers and $3,990 as of right now. We have another promised, certain $400. Right now, we are still the top family fundraising team in our district, possibly the state of AL as well.

My thirty-one party went amazingly well- the party netted over $2,000, so I ended up with like $420 in free product, and I gave away in a drawing all 5 of my half price items, and then i got free shipping. The consultant is donating her commission, which is over $400! Amazing.

I had a hard week this past week- I missed Kylie so, so much and it was a week of crying and being angry. I still miss her, but I feel much better today.

I guess that's all.. more later.

Posted by angelkyliesmommy | Comments: (2) | Permalink

LITTLE BLESSINGS

Feb 23, 2010 06:35pm (EST)

I have been hitting the March of Dimes thing really heavy- I have really thrown myself into the march, and it is bringing me more happiness than I have felt in a long time. Through the people I have met, this is what has happened so far:

1. There is a magazine here called Valley Babies, and they put out 4 issues a year (for each season). It has articles on all types of topics for moms and moms to be, ads, etc. I have already been approached about publishing my story in the summer issue.

2. One of our local tv stations is a big supporter of MOD, so they do a series of stories to get everyone pumped up and to promote. There is a possibility I will be telling my story on TV. I have become friends with the meterologist's wife, and she has volunteered my story as a possibility, and she said its a strong possibility they will want to talk with me.

3. We have 35 walkers registered in our group and we have 52 days left until the walk. I am blown away by the kindness we have received and the generosity of people, those we know and those we don't. Every day, someone new contacts me about joining our group. We are sitting at $2,798 tonight. And I thought $500 was a good goal!

4. Today, I had a student give me some precious gifts. This student came in with a canvas, and I asked her if it was a project for another class. She said "No, it's for you." She turned it around, and she had painted a butterfly and leaves with the words "In loving memory of Kylie. Rest in Peace." She then handed me a card that told me that I was "an amazing teacher, a strong woman, and a great mom." and that she asked her mom to donate $500 to the cause for our sweet baby... and the check for $500 was inside the card! I was just in tears with her, hugging her and telling her how sweet she was and how much she blessed my life. And every day, my sweet kids come in asking me how much money we have raised now! They are really excited about it.

5. So after my gall bladder came out, I had that attack, and was immediately sent to a GI specialist. Dr. Meyer is WONDERFUL. He immediately sent me for lab work. My lab work came back to show some elevated liver enzymes, and he is almost certain that this is from a bile duct problem. He said it is highly possible that a gall stone escaped from my gall bladder prior to surgery and is now lodged in the bile duct. I have to go in a few weeks for an endoscopy in Birmingham (an hour and a half away). However, he gave me a "magical" medicine to put under my tongue and let dissolve if I have another attack. It is supposed to take away the pain.

6. I started m y period today, so now is officially start time for trying again. I hope the pain stays away, but I just can't help myself any longer. The longer I wait, the longer it will take to get pregnant. I know this from experience... so, here we go again.

Kylie Brielle, Mommy misses you and loves you so much. You are my heart and soul. My life is missing a huge chunk without you, and always will. Please help me and Daddy continue to find peace, and please bless us with a baby brother or sister soon. <3

Posted by angelkyliesmommy | Comments: (3) | Permalink

????

Feb 20, 2010 09:19pm (EST)

Bad day.
Not feeling well.
Granny is in behavioral services floor of hospital because of her dementia.

I miss my baby.

Posted by angelkyliesmommy | Comments: (2) | Permalink

PRIVATE PRACTICE AND NEC

Feb 18, 2010 09:24pm (EST)

For all of you moms who have gone through NEC like we have, tonight's Private Practice brought national attention to our heartache.

A couple who had conceived on round 3 of IVF had to deliver a 25 weeker. In a matter of hours, they determined the baby had a brain bleed, lung issues, and a distended bowel. This was explained as necrotizing enterocolitis, and they went in detail over the options and what it meant.

As I watched this story, mine became real on the screen. That was no longer their little boy, Langston, in the bed. It was my Kylie... That mom was me... funny that the parents were English teachers, because I am too... the hopes and dreams she said she had for her son, I had those same dreams for Kylie.

It was no longer Addison telling the mom there was less than 1% chance of coming home. It was Dr. Davison looking at me over my daughter's bed and telling me she had less than a 1% chance of making it through this. As Pete put that precious little baby in his mother's arms for the first time, my arms grew heavy... my beautiful Kylie was in my arms again, and I was overcome with love, grief, and heartache. I relived my baby's life and death tonight. I relived the moment I never wanted to see again. Now, I am so sad, so drained... I miss my baby more than ever before.

But there is a positive. Now, millions of people know about NEC. They know about NEC and what it does and how it affects babies. They know it is a killer. They know that a mom on TV just had to make a life-altering decision to let her baby go so he would no longer suffer. The bed, the tubes... it was all real. No falsehoods about being able to breathe on his own... it was the real deal.

Thank you, ABC, for letting the world know about this problem.
However, a better warning in previews would be nice next time. I had to relive the loss of my daughter. I had to relive her moments with me, the only times I held her.

Kylie Brielle, you are the light of my life. I am so sorry you had to suffer and endure the pain you had while in this world. I am so sorry that I couldn't do more to help you, to save you, to offer you comfort. I am sorry that I couldn't give you the future I promised, that I couldn't give you the life I wanted to give you. I am so sorry that I am not as strong as I once thought, and I am sorry that I am not happy today. I have tried to be strong for you, but in essence, I have now experienced your death twice... (I know probably more, but tonight was the most real since it happened). I love you with every ounce of me, and you were our "luck..." our miracle baby. I wanted you to be cultured, to be well-read... to have a long and happy life. I am your mother, and I know, just as Langston on TV did, that you knew and know my love-- I just wish it was a lifetime of hugs and kisses that you could get from me. I miss you. I miss you more than I ever thought it possible to miss anyone. I miss you so badly it hurts. I ache, I sob, I yearn for you. Thank you for blessing me with the gift of your life. Thank you for blessing me with love that I never knew possible. Thank you for being the perfect little angel that you are. Thank you, most of all, for allowing me to be a Mommy-- the dream I have always had, and was afraid I would never achieve. You gave me things that can never be taken away from me. You gave me you. No matter where we are, worlds apart, or together again in Heaven, you are mine. I love you, sweet angel, with every fiber of my being.

Posted by angelkyliesmommy | Comments: (1) | Permalink

TEN STEPS BACK

Feb 17, 2010 08:14pm (EST)

Last night was a bad, bad night.

My chest pain episodes (from pregnancy), returned with a vengance. I jumped in the shower- the only relief I have... and it stopped. I got out, sat down, and put a warm rice bag on my shoulders... and... it came back in full force. The shower... nothing helped. I was screaming in pain... nearly vomiting with the pain. this threw me back to September at the worst visit to the ER I had... when no one listened and I nearly punched holes in walls.

My bp shot up to 141/111, and i was nuts in pain. chris called 911. They were here within 5 mins.. but that last episode lasted over 20 minutes. They took me in on the ambulance, and i had one small episode on the ride in.

Immediately they ran bloodwork. My white blood cell count was a little high, along with another test they run for blood clots. I had a chest xray and a CT scan... and no results.

I did leave with a referral to a gastroenterologist. So let's hope he can find out what is wrong with me. I am just at a loss- the gall bladder is gone, so why is this still happening?

No, it's not anxiety.

But I want answers. Real ones.

So frustrated, and in some pain from the severity of the attacks...

Posted by angelkyliesmommy | Comments: (2) | Permalink

POST-OP

Feb 13, 2010 09:02pm (EST)

Well, it's been 2 days since surgery day, but technically this is day 3.

Yesterday was harder to move around, but i didn't hurt as bad- just really stiff as the anesthesia still was leaving my body. Thursday night after the surgey, I woke up every hour on the hour. I have been having some serious neck swelling and redness, and I was terrified I was going to stop breathing in my sleep. I was restless yesterday, but I finally took a 2 hour nap and felt better. Today, well they were right. Day 3 is the worst. I can't stand up straight! I got out and went to one of my close friends' son's first birthday party, but it wore me out. She was gracious though, and had me a comfy chair, and she even gave me a goody bag for Kylie (she didn't forget! How sweet is that?).

I have been (for lack of a better word) constipated since surgery- they told me it would be the opposite, and it hasn't been. I must not handle anesthesia really well, because it was ten times worse with my c-section. Even the meds in the hospital didn't help! I have since fixed the problem, so I don't have as much pain, but I still can't sleep in my bed- the couch has been my home for the past 3 days. And yes, Chris has slept in the recliner by the couch each night. He has cooked dinner, given jaycee a bath, gotten the house cleaned.. and for Valentine's Day, he is painting both of the bathrooms in our house to match the color in the kitchen: Hot Chocolate (I love the color!).

I am still concerned with my neck though. We called immediately the day of surgery when we noticed the neck was swollen, and they said if my airway closes, to call 911, but that was it. It is so red, and it looks like i have no neck at all. I'm still concerned.

Well, I hope you are all having a good Valentine's weekend...

Posted by angelkyliesmommy | Comments: (5) | Permalink

BYE, BYE, GALLBLADDER!

Feb 11, 2010 05:03pm (EST)

Well, I had surgery at 10:30 this morning =) My gall bladder is officially GONE! Who has the last laugh now? hehe..

According to the surgeon (who, may I add, is AWESOME), my gall bladder was TINY (he was perplexed by its size) and had tons of tiny gallstones.

I'm just a little sore... and my throat is really scratchy (more so than with my c-section) and my neck is a tad swollen. We just ahve to keep an eye on it in case something bad (heaven forbid) happens with my throat.

$1500 and 22 walkers for the MOD =) YAY!

My hubby is actually taking good care of me, so I am a little less peeved with him right now. Jaycee is pretty good medicine, too.

Chicken noodle soup and grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner!

Thank you all for the well wishes and for thinking of me. You are wonderful, and I love you.

Posted by angelkyliesmommy | Comments: (3) | Permalink

MASS CONFUSION

Feb 09, 2010 01:25pm (EST)

So today I sit here confused. My mom suggested I write a list of positives and negatives, good and bad. She asked me what I can live with and what I can't. Well, I just don't know anymore. I am so confused...

What I wrote yesterday is heavy on my mind. All of those things I feel.

However, yesterday Chris did have words with his sister and the payment on the vehicle was made. He talked with the bank and everything. He did take one tiny step. But I reminded him... it doesn't fix everything. It just holds off for a month on the vehicle until it's late again. And again. And again. Too much stress in just that one thing.

There is so much to think about and work on. My number one concern is that beautiful, precious Jaycee. I have to keep her in mind no matter what we decide. I know his family will do everything they can not to let me see her at all. I cannot bear to lose another child. Though I did not give birth to her, she is more mine than her real mother. I just can't stand to lose her...

I'm at a crossroads right now. I'm not sure to keep traveling down the track I'm on or to turn onto the new path.

The only thing keeping me going is the March for Babies. In 8 days, we have $1300 and 20 team members. I am overwhelmed with the love and support that I have received, and we still have 67 days left. What a blessing Kylie's memory is!

Please keep thinking of me as I continue into the unknown... and surgery is Thursday. Can't wait to get rid of the poison.

Posted by angelkyliesmommy | Comments: (3) | Permalink

MY LIFE RIGHT NOW

Feb 08, 2010 07:23am (EST)

Well, I'm not sure what to say, or how to say it, or where my words will take me, but I am going to let my writing take over now.

Chris and I have been having marriage trouble... there has been marriage trouble for several years now. A lot of our problems come from his family--his mother is very controlling (as is one of his sisters) and does not like the fact that she has no power or control over me, and she has lost some of her power or control over Chris since we've been together. She is the queen of guilt trips, too. I have already told you about the incident where she "disowned" Chris over the vehicle his sister is purchasing from us...

I have had a big issue with Chris in the past 5 years (we've been married nearly 6) with him choosing to put his mom and sisters first, before me. I have reminded him that he took a vow to me when he married me to put ME first now... his mom is not supposed to be first anymore, but he has done everything possible to try to help his sister find money to pay off this vehicle or to help his mom get extra money instead of getting the vehicle back like I asked the first time over a year ago, and every month since then, and trying to find money for his mother instead of trying to find money for us. Chris likes to swipe his card, likes to spend money without asking... I can't tell you how many times my mom has had to help cover our negative account because Chris will just spend and spend...

I truly DID love Chris. I fell in love with him from the beginning... but now, I'm not sure I love him anymore. I know these things sound terrible and shallow but I just can't take much else.

My whole life, I have been driven to do well for myself, to make good grades, to make my parents proud of me, to work my butt off for what I have. I have a bachelor's degree from Auburn University: I was determined my whole life that my degree would come from there, and it did, thanks to diligence, hard work, and support from my family. I graduated high school with a 3.8 GPA; I took advanced classes, and I was dually enrolled in college while in HS, and finished my freshman year of college the summer I graduated HS. I started working as a teacher for a year after graduating Auburn, Magna Cum Laude, and then I enrolled in the Master's program at a local college. In two years, going during the summer and to night classes, I had my graduate degree with highest honors. I am big on education, and working hard for what I own. I try to save money to pay bills, and I am really big on trying to get better on my own without seeing the doctor too much (which is where I struggled in my prengancy).

Chris, on the other hand, did not get a high school diploma. He simply has a certificate of attendance, because he did not pass his graduation exam. His mom never pushed him to go back and re-take it, and he had until he was 21 to pass it. He never did go back. He took the GED once without any preparation and failed all parts. His mom informed me he has ADHD and she took him off the mediicne for it because it made him emotional. She told me he received special services for his reading difficulties. Now, don't read this the wrong way- I am not saying I'm better than him. I knew all these things when I married him. However, the longer we are together, the more I realize that his mother enabled him throughout his school years--she wanted him to depend on her and rely on her, and now that he doesn't, she is desperately trying to get to him in every way, and believe it or not it's working. Chris uses things as crutches: he says he has a terrible memory and blames it on the ADHD. He blames his temper on his ADHD, and he often says "I don't know what's wrong with me. I can't help it." Until his current job, he job-hopped. My parents helped him get several jobs, and several of them he was fired from- I would never tell him this, but the employers told my parents that he had a horrible temper, a bad attitude, and didn't want to work (and yes, he is lazy, even at home). A friend of the family got him this current job, and he's been there for 3 1/2 years-- working for the city basically riding around in a truck in the winter and cutting grass in the summer. The more I think about him and how he is, the more angry I get. He hid three speeding tickets from me (two of which his sister paid, and she was holding that money hostage for a vehicle payment- this I found out in December)... because he didn't want to "Upset me" One of them was during my pregnancy with Kylie. He also is a terrible gossip. He is worse than a girl- he tells other people's business, and he takes FOREVER to tell a story... see? Stupid things are driving me absolutely crazy.

He doesn't do most of the things I ask, he doesn't "remember' when he needs to pay a bill... he doesn't remember to take care of business matters, and he STILL has done nothing to get the vehicle back, and it is late AGAIN. He is very impatient with Jaycee and with me: he yells, he cusses, he's quick to spank, he's impatient... when he does talk, he's rude, he's snappy, he's pissy (and this is even BEFORE Kylie)..

I had actually asked him to leave and we were living apart when I found out I was pregnant with Kylie (he had to leave on Sunday and I found out that following Thursday). I thought maybe this was what was supposed to bring us together... we had started working on our money problems with my mom's help, so I wasn't stressed, and the whole reason he left was because, again, of the vehicle. Then, when we had Kylie early, he was good to me... he was good and he was strong... and then... Kylie left us.. and he was good until after her funeral... and then, my life has been pure hell and misery since then.

I can't bring myself to say "I love you" when we talk... I can't bring myself to be lovey dovey. I don't want him to touch me. I don't want him to try to be sweet. I don't want a hug, or a kiss. I am angry, I think.. but I don't want him even around me. Last night I asked him to sleep in the living room. I just don't want him to even look at me changing, or anything. I think our problems are beyond a marriage counselor. I don't get any comfort from him anymore- i just get annoyed. I dream about being happy with someone else (no one in particular)... I want another baby, and I want another baby now, but I don't think I want one with him. I had these feelings before we lost Kylie, but they have intensified since Christmas.

I just don't know anymore. I don't even cry when I talk about it or think about it, which makes me feel like maybe this is the best thing. We have purchased the plots on one side of Kylie, and the plots on the other side are still available, so he can still be buried there on the other side of her if we divorce. See? what kind of person just randomly thinks these thoughts? I have thought it all through... what he gets, what I get, what will happen with this, with that, what bills he will get in his name.. all of it! How horrible is that?

But it all comes down to one thing: I am not happy in my marriage. I haven't been happy in my marriage. I don't feel that I WILL be happy in my marriage. I even have thoughts of how Chris isn't really made for me, because we value such different things... and it really annoys me that he is such a hypochondriac. He goes to the doctor for everything, and it drives me insane. We have spent more money letting him go to the doctor for stupid headaches or "I don't feel good" than we did for all the ER and L and D visits during my pregnancy, which were a lot!!!! I don't even want him at my surgery on Thursday (and by the way, my dad has already threatened to make a scene if Chris's parents or sister show up, which is fine by me). What is wrong with me?

Posted by angelkyliesmommy | Comments: (6) | Permalink

UPDATE ON THE SHOOTING

Feb 05, 2010 10:03pm (EST)

Sadly, Todd Brown, the young man shot today, did not make it. My heart bleeds for his family, for the kids, for everyone.

All I can think of is that look on my 4th block's faces... all I can see is all of those sweet, young, innocent faces change in front of me... That blanket of safety, of innocence, it all just jerked away from them the innocent I said shooting.... my heart is just aching and throbbing..

And many of us know what it is like to lose your child.. how agonizingly painful and awful it is... and now, we have another set of parents joining us on this journey without our children. Regardless of the age of teh child, they hurt the same. No one should EVER have to bury a child... NO ONE...

Please pray for peace and comfort. The shooting took place in a crowded hallway during class change time... so there are plenty of traumatized students....

Posted by angelkyliesmommy | Comments: (1) | Permalink

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