one of those flash back days x

Oh Karen, I understand completely! The what ifs are the worst. They really are! Luca souds like he is a handsome little boy. Probably have everyone going simply gaga over him in heaven. I'm sure my little girl is trying to get her hands on him, she loves babies!

I am a year into the aftermath of my daughter's sudden passing and I dont want to use the term get easier, or lessen, or any of that. I will say time has built up my endurance to live with the pain. I no longer literally feel my heart breaking, but I am still brokenhearted.

I call my grief my light. Somedays its very dim, seems almost far away, but it is still on....I call them my "good" days, and then there are times when my light is shining so brightly it commands my attention.......I call them my bad days. But no matter the day, good or bad, my light is always on. Its a very bittersweet life for me right now...when every bit of happiness has sadness in it.

Please dont ever apologize for your feelings. Here you never have to do that. You will never have to justify them or explain them. I am sorry you are having one of those days, I undersatnd completely!

Take good care,
yolonda

thankyou so so very much for all who answer me, it really does help i no only you! do really understand because you have all felt this pain, i really need help right now as i feel it gets worse as people expect you to be moving on. but i know it will take so long before i am ok and this pain is the worst. thankyou again xxxxkaz

I'm so sorry for your loss, I kow the pain that comes when you lose a child. My son Tristan was born an angel almost a year ago and recently I had a converstation with my mother who expects me to move on and get over it. As if were that easy. Like Yolanda said, the pain is not as raw but it continues to be part of our lives. Don't be to hard on yourself, and please do not listen to those people who expect you to get over it because they do not understand what is like to live without a part of you.
Thinking of you
Trish

I'm so sorry for your loss, but I'm glad you were able to find us all here on Share. Oh, how I hated the "land of what ifs", I always found it so difficult to get out of there. Still, 8 months later, I wander there every once in a while. Time will give you the strength to not make those visits few and far between though. Please know that we're all here to listen and many of us truly understand your pain.

Wishing you all the best,
Sarah

Hey Kaz! Im so sorry that you feeling so bad....I too have found that the last few days for me have been very down days. I have been doing the "what if's" pretty often. Even though I KNOW there was nothing I could have possibly done to make Eli better it doesnt change the fact that I wanted to more than anything. Instead I felt totally helpless in the situation. I still feel totally helpless. I want him with me so bad. I want to wake up from a nightmare. But it will not happen. And I know this but it doesnt make the hurt go away. Nothing makes it go away....there are few things that even make it less. But Im working on trying to be positive and remember him and honor him for all the beautiful things that he did in such a small amount of time I had him here....and when I think of those things, I smile I hope you can think of Luca and smile too Im here always...lots of hugs!...Jennifer

Im so sorry for all your heartache..your angel sounds so beautiful...im sure my angel is looking after him...i know the flashbacks and what ifs are so heartbreakingly hard..i too have them daily,i think we will always have unanswered questions and thoughts in our heads but im certain you did everything possible for your lil boy...im here for you..many hugs..chantelle x

Dearest Kaz,

I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious Luca. How my heart breaks knowing your pain and truly understanding the heartache that comes with losing a child.
My husband and I have lost 2 daughters. Gabrielle would be 4 yrs old in December and her sister would of been 3 this passed august.
I'm so glad that you found SHARE. This is a wonderful community and one that no matter what your feeling, at least one of us has walked that path before. Our arms and hearts are open to you and your sweet family.

Wishing you peace,
Colleen