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New Phase

kaykay24 - 11:51am Jan 2, 2010 EST

My Gavin died at 22 weeks, it has been difficult, but yesterday I came to a new realization. It has been 2 months since his death and it seems like I have killed myself looking for answers in every way. I have asked Why a thousand times. I have been trying to figure out what went wrong, what happened to my body that made me go into such a quick labor. I have gone thru the delivery at least ten times a day if not more. I have thought of everything. Yesterday as I was going through my same routine I asked myself a new why. Why am I doing this to myself? I looked at that question and realized I have been living in a dream. I had been hoping that maybe if I could figure it out, I could have Gavin back. That maybe by some miracle I could see him again and my impending due date would bring joy instead of tears. I think I have hit a new depression, holding on to hope of getting him back was what I was striving for but it was also torturing me. I feel so strange now. I think this might be the acceptance part. I finally accept that he is really gone and I won't get to raise him, watch him take his first step, and everything else I wanted so much. As much as this hurts I think I can finally think a little more clearly. Today I am not looking for why. I don't know what I am going to do, but I am getting off this computer and going to the park and maybe reading a booking. I need a change. I hope I can figure this new phase out.

Akeelah's Mommy - Jan 2, 2010 1:11 pm (#1 Total: 11)

A moment in our arms, a lifetime in our hearts.

There are so many phases, obstacles, ups and downs in this journey. It does sound like this was quite an epiphany. While the 'whys' may never truly go away they can certainly be quieted which can bring a greater sense of peace.

I know our little angels want peace for us. Although it can be so very hard to come by I know they smile when we find moments of it. No doubt your little Gavin is smiling down proud of his momma reading a book at the park.

Lauren

Angel Love - Jan 2, 2010 6:13 pm (#2 Total: 11)

I remember realizing that if I kept on going like I was going that the "what ifs" were going to kill me too! Like you, I was trying to justify what had happened so that I could have someone to blame or that magically my daughter would return to me.... I still miss her like crazy, but I know that there is nothing that I could've done differently to change what happened. I hope that as you adjust to the "new phase" that you'll feel little Gavin's love filling your heart from the portals of Heaven.

Tracy

Grace's Mom - Jan 4, 2010 11:26 am (#3 Total: 11)

^i^D'Lon Grace^i^ ~ Forever 3 ~ Missing you every second of every day!

I am so sorry for the loss of your little Gavin. There are so many of us here learning to live our lives with the realization that our little ones are not coming back. I wish you nothing but peace as you enter your "new phase" and know that we are here with you every step of the way.

Take good care,
yolonda

crazylee53 - Jan 4, 2010 2:00 pm (#4 Total: 11)

you're not alone

Just know you're not alone. I went through so many phases after the loss of my twins. Everyone deals their own way. You have to do what is best for you. Sending you healing thoughts- Lisa

ajy - Jan 4, 2010 7:19 pm (#5 Total: 11)

Good for you...

Just know you are not alone. My son Brayden has been gone one month and i still am in the "why me" "why Brayden" phase. I feel exactly the same way, like somehow I can figure out how to bring my son back. What went so horribly wrong at 23 weeks that my body went into labor. I know its not healthy but the pain is so overwhelming. I just cant seem to get past that one. I hope that one day I can come to this "new phase".

angie

skiven - Jan 7, 2010 5:31 am (#6 Total: 11)

Thank you!

Thank you for sharing. What you said is something I will try to carry with me when I think of the "why's". So, thank you so very much and I hope you will be able to make it through too!

Elijah'sMommy - Jan 27, 2010 4:30 pm (#7 Total: 11)

Thinking of you...

I am new to this forum/community, but not new to this grief. My son passed away almost 6 years ago and I joined this group hoping to help someone who has also experienced this terrible heartache.
I can not tell you how you will feel because we all experience things so differently, but I can tell you that you will experience many more new phases as time passes. Grief like this is a lifelong journey and the feelings come in in more like waves than stages. I pray that you will one day be able to find the phase that I have and that is the "thankful" phase. I still miss my son and still have days that I want to cry or scream or ask why, but I finally found more days that I can say "Thank you" God. Thank you for choosing me to be his mother, even if it was for a short time here on Earth.

I hope that helps a little... at least offers a hope. Sorry for rambling!

Tabatha

Replies to this message

Grace's Mom (Jan 28, 2010 7:27 am)

Grace's Mom - Jan 28, 2010 7:27 am (#8 Total: 11)

^i^D'Lon Grace^i^ ~ Forever 3 ~ Missing you every second of every day!

Replying to: Elijah'sMommy (Jan 27, 2010 4:30 pm)

Thinking of you...: I am new to this forum/community, but not new to this grief. My son passed away almost...

Re: Thinking of you...

Hello Tabitha and welcome to Share! Thank you so much for your inspiration first post. I am 16 months into my journey and while the rawness that i felt 16 months ago has subsided, it no longer hurts to breath and I have let go of the anger (for the most part) and found my way back to prayer, I just miss my little girl. She died suddenly at 3 year old and I still find myself missing her every second of every day. I have much that I am thankful for regarding her life and all the memories we created, however I havent reached the thankful phase where I only see the good times and not those horrible last moments.

Thanks again for sharing your story and offering your support. It means alot.

Take good care,
Yolonda

Replies to this message

Elijah'sMommy (Jan 28, 2010 3:22 pm)

Elijah'sMommy - Jan 28, 2010 3:22 pm (#9 Total: 11)

Replying to: Grace's Mom (Jan 28, 2010 7:27 am)

Re: Thinking of you...: Hello Tabitha and welcome to Share! Thank you so much for your inspiration first post....

Re: Thinking of you...

Yolanda,

I am so sorry for your loss. I don't know if you ever get to the point where you ONLY see the good times, but I have at least come to the point where I can remember more good now. It is always difficult to let go of the painful memories though...they somehow seem etched on your heart.

But the rawness like you said goes away and for me the ability to "let go and let God" is what turned my life around. I still think of my Elijah everyday but now I try to reach out to help others... it seems like bereaved parents unfortunately share a very difficult second world and I think its important to help each other out. I will keep you in my thougts and my prayers...

I do have my own support group if you are ever interested let me know.

God bless,
Elijah's (2/20/04) Mommy
Tabatha

Missing Braydon - Jan 28, 2010 10:20 pm (#10 Total: 11)

I am so sorry for your loss! I am 14 1/2 months into this and I find myself in new phases all the time. There are no answers but I try to do what Tabatha does and reach out to others to help them actually by doing that you are helping yourself too- at least for me anyway!

Tabatha, I agree with you 100% this journey is waves (if you get a chance read my blog on the waves of the ocean i posted the other day). Thank you for your words and I am so very sorry for your loss!!!

Yolonda, girl what can I even say to you? I love you and I am counting down the days that I can give you a big big bear hug (in logan's words

Grace's Mom - Jan 31, 2010 6:51 am (#11 Total: 11)

^i^D'Lon Grace^i^ ~ Forever 3 ~ Missing you every second of every day!

Thank you Tabatha! I would love to chat with you about your support group. My email address is yolonda_t@hotmail.com.

Tommie, thank you girl! I will see you in 3 months

we are going to be some hugging fools!!!

Yolonda

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