New Phase

kaykay24 - 11:51am Jan 2, 2010 EST

My Gavin died at 22 weeks, it has been difficult, but yesterday I came to a new realization. It has been 2 months since his death and it seems like I have killed myself looking for answers in every way. I have asked Why a thousand times. I have been trying to figure out what went wrong, what happened to my body that made me go into such a quick labor. I have gone thru the delivery at least ten times a day if not more. I have thought of everything. Yesterday as I was going through my same routine I asked myself a new why. Why am I doing this to myself? I looked at that question and realized I have been living in a dream. I had been hoping that maybe if I could figure it out, I could have Gavin back. That maybe by some miracle I could see him again and my impending due date would bring joy instead of tears. I think I have hit a new depression, holding on to hope of getting him back was what I was striving for but it was also torturing me. I feel so strange now. I think this might be the acceptance part. I finally accept that he is really gone and I won't get to raise him, watch him take his first step, and everything else I wanted so much. As much as this hurts I think I can finally think a little more clearly. Today I am not looking for why. I don't know what I am going to do, but I am getting off this computer and going to the park and maybe reading a booking. I need a change. I hope I can figure this new phase out.