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LIVING WITH LOSS: A JOURNEY TO DEAL, NOT HEAL

mrsmaxson

March 2010

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PRESSURE

Mar 14, 2010 08:33am (EST)

I think that there's something wrong with me. That "conception" feeling has turned into pressure very low in my pelvis and a strange feeling of having to pee all the time even if I don't have to. I have an hour and a half before I have to be somewhere, maybe enough time to go to the urgent care center and find out what's going on.

Yesterday I just came to realize that no one understands what I am going through except those of you reading this blog. To other people, we just "lost the babies." They have no concept of my babies as individual human beings - they are simply an abstract concept to those who didn't nurture them in their bodies or make them the focus of their future since the moment we found out we were expecting. John and I had a conversation about how we can only rely on each other through this because even though a few people really try, no one gets it. They don't understand that we are still grieving the loss of our sons and that our pain is daily and constant. I feel so angry and betrayed by everyone we know who I feel should be understanding and supportive even though I know it's not their fault.

This week has been so difficult - one of the worst since the very early days and definitely the worst since I went back to work on Feb. 1. Today makes 12 weeks since Tristan was born. If I were still pregnant, we'd be just 7 weeks out from the due date. If he were born today, he would almost certainly live and be just fine. I'm so sorry I couldn't hold on to you, little guy. I've never been more sorry about anything.

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WAKING

Mar 13, 2010 07:05am (EST)

I feel like I am slowly waking up again. It's so strange how the wave of grief can suck you under and tumble you along the bottom then ease off so you can begin to swim towards the top again. I feel very fragile. I'm a little wary of going back to "public" life today because I feel as though it would be very easy for me to fall apart again.

I am doing better about giving myself permission to take the time I need and remove myself from situations like work and the conference I'm supposed to be at today in order to make room for my grief. It's not easy to do when you're used to going 100 mph and being the stable element in a lot of peoples' lives. I'm getting better at it, though. I used to think that keeping busy would be helpful for recovery, but now I find that just sitting with the grief and laying low is better for me. Of course, I can't do that all the time, but there is something very Zen about just holding the pain instead of trying to push it away.

I have been having weird thoughts lately that I don't feel like I should tell anyone. Like the other night I woke in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and I swear I could feel myself conceiving. I had this strange feeling in my abdomen that I can't describe and in the fog of barely awake, I felt so sure that it was an egg being fertilized. My rational mind knows that this is a bizarre thought, but my subconscious is really messing with me lately. That is the least strange example, so you can see where my brain is at!

Time time time to go and do one thing that I am supposed to do. I think it will be okay.

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PIECES

Mar 11, 2010 06:34pm (EST)

I went to work this morning and was there for about 10 minutes before I went to pieces and could not pull myself together. They got a sub for me and I went home and back to bed for a few hours then got up and went to the gym and worked outside in the yard for a while. The first snowdrops are up, which is nice to see. I pulled some weeds, can't figure why winter doesn't kill them, and planted some pansy seeds in baskets.

I just don't know if I can make it through tomorrow, and I'm thinking of taking one more day off. I don't know what it's going to take to get back on track. Time, I know, but how much? My husband is so frustrated with me and he's worried that I'm going to get in trouble at work, which I'm not, but it doesn't help to worry about what he thinks. I feel ill, but I know I'm not sick. I'm just broken.

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AGAIN AND AGAIN

Mar 09, 2010 07:53pm (EST)

Today when I got home from work there was a letter from the admissions department of the hospital. I opened it up and it was talking about how my doctor had informed them that I would be coming. I thought it was a joke, but as I kept reading I realized that it was being sent in anticipation of me coming in to deliver my babies. There were a bunch of papers about the maternity ward, etc. I just burst into tears, which I didn't expect to do, then I couldn't stop crying for like half an hour. When I finally calmed down, I looked at the rest of the mail and there was a shower invitation for the friend due the day after me. Is there no end?!

The support group at the hospital happened to be tonight, but I didn't feel as good after going as I did last time. There was another woman there who lost twins at seven and a half months because of a car accident. It's just too, too awful. I don't see how we can even survive this. Some days I think it's going to be okay, but since like 5:00 this afternoon I've just wanted to switch off. I wish that I could forget this ever happened. Then I feel guilty for saying that.

The worst thing is, I know this will never end. There may be better, but there is no well.

I am going to stay home tomorrow. I already know I won't be able to sleep tonight and I can't bear the thought of getting up in the morning and facing the everyday activities of life when mine is so disjointed. Don't worry, I have individual therapy tomorrow, and I know that I am clinically depressed. It's just right now that I want this all to be over.

Posted by mrsmaxson | Comments: (6) | Permalink

PICS.

Mar 07, 2010 07:26am (EST)

I messed something up and didn't get both pics in the last entry. Here are Gunnar's feet.

The tattoos are on the insides of each ankle. Tristan has some blue shading, which will be more subtle once my skin heals. I gave him blue because it's a primary color and he's first. Gunnar has some purple because that's a secondary color and he was second.

Gunnar

Tristan

Posted by mrsmaxson | Comments: (9) | Permalink

WALKING WITH ME

Mar 07, 2010 07:20am (EST)

So I went to a tattooist in Ithaca last night where a friend of mine had a lot of work done. I called early in the day and made an appointment with the woman he has worked with. It was a great experience. The shop was cool, the artist, Colby, was awesome and very respectful of what I wanted done and why. She did a really good job. I wanted to wait until they healed a bit to post pics, I can't.

It hurt, but not so much after what we've been through. Tristan's feet on my right ankle hurt a lot more than Gunnar's on my left. Colby said that happens sometimes. They sting a little today, but mostly like a bad sunburn. I feel so good about having them walk with me forever

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YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME

Mar 06, 2010 08:57am (EST)

I haven't been on in so long. I've been having a really bad week and didn't even feel up to typing. Sometimes I just can't express the chaos that's going on in my mind.

Last weekend my sister and I went to her tattoo artist to talk about getting Tristan and Gunnar's footprints. She freaked out about how small they are and said she was going to cry. I thought she knew they didn't make it, but a few minutes later she asked my how big they are now. I told her they died and then we all did cry. I thought that it was a good sign that she understood how much this means to me.

I went last night with my husband to get the work done; they told me to come at 6:30. We waited an hour while she worked on another girl. When she finally got up, I thought it would be my turn, but she told me she had to go pick up her daughter then spend another 45 minutes on the girl she had been working on. I was pretty disappointed, but John was downright angry. She seemed reluctant to actually schedule an appointment, so we left. I think I am going to go to another shop where a friend of mine had his ink done. They have a female artist, too, which for some reason is important to me. We might go this afternoon. I have to call and see if they can do it today.

We were going to try IVF again at the end of this month, but now we are going to wait because it's going to take longer than I thought to get disability insurance and we really want to have that in place before we move forward. Maybe it's best to wait until after the boys were supposed to be born anyway. It seems like it would honor them somehow to not have overlap. I don't know. I just want to meet my child. I can't see my future without him or her. Every day I wake up thinking I should be huge and uncomfortable. I think I should be getting excited about the shower and that I should have a crib in a nursery instead of a TV room. I still wonder at how things could have gone so terribly wrong.

Posted by mrsmaxson | Comments: (3) | Permalink

MY OWN SKIN

Feb 27, 2010 09:48am (EST)

I have never been so uncomfortable being me.

We had a dinner for John's birthday last night with four friends over and played a board game until 11:00. I was the only girl, which is fine, and how it always used to be when we were younger. Our friend, Brian, brought a bottle of rum, but we didn't drink any. Alcohol would send us both over the edge right now, I think. We made a pact to avoid it. We had a really fun time having dinner and hanging out, but there is always this undercurrent of sadness. After everyone left, I had a breakdown -the first one in a while. Maybe it's too hard pretending everything is okay, maybe I feel like I shouldn't be having a good time, maybe I'm just really damn sad and it never goes away. Seeing my friend Scott, who was my best friend for a long time, who is expecting his son to be born the day after my sons were due, is hard. I know that he tries hard not to mention their preparations. I wish I could be celebrating with him instead of feeling envious and resentful.

I just feel like I need to do something on the outside so people know how unhappy I am on the inside. I don't feel like people know we are still hurting. We just try to go on day to day acting like life is okay, and it's not. It's not okay.

I'm thinking of getting the boys' footprints tattooed on my arms instead of getting a phoenix. I don't see how I could ever regret having that permanent rememberance of them. And I don't feel like I've risen from the ashes just yet. My therapist says I'm clinically depressed, but so what. There's nothing we can do about it except talk and wait. I'm already on medication. This mantle of hopelessness just lies over everything.

I guess I'm having a bad day.

Posted by mrsmaxson | Comments: (6) | Permalink

THANK YOU...

Feb 26, 2010 07:03am (EST)

...to everyone who commented on my last post. Part of the reason I am so eager to try again soon is because I know we will have to do IVF again, and goodness knows how long that will take. It took us a year to get it right last time, and I feel this huge sense of urgency because of my age. Some days, like today, I wake up and find it surprising that I am not pregnant. It hurts so much to be without my boys. My mind has not totally gotten over the anticipation of holding them in April, and although rationally I know they are not coming back, some part of me just hasn't accepted that yet.

Dealing is not going well.

We have another snow day today. Now for the digging out. I have been hiring someone to do the snowblowing this winter because at first I couldn't shovel due to the pregnancy and John has degenerative disc disease in his back and really shouldn't shovel. I'll just hang out in the house til the snowblowing guy comes over.

I am looking forward to the next support group at the hospital. I'm starting to get that desperate feeling again, like I just can't deal with this. I was doing okay for a couple of weeks, despite brief outbursts. I think the 'time of the month' does not help. I am at such a loss of what to do with myself. Waiting, as many of you have aptly noted, is not comforting. I feel the need to DO something, and there is absolutely nothing I can do.

Going to make some coffee now. Pretty much the ONLY advantage to not being pregnant is drinking coffee. It's a poor consolation prize.

Posted by mrsmaxson | Comments: (4) | Permalink

SO ANGRY!

Feb 25, 2010 02:19pm (EST)

I am starting to give up hope of feeling stable again, let alone "normal." My therapist was good last night, but then I just dream about what I talked about. I have been dreaming about my sons more and more lately, which is strange because I never dreamed of them while I was pregnant. They are always okay in my dreams. It makes me so sad.

Has anyone on here become pregnant again soon after losing a baby? I am so desperate to conceive and try again, but my therapist is trying to tell me to wait a year. I don't want to wait a year. I want my baby now! If I can't have Tristan and Gunnar, then I want their little brother or sister as soon as possible. I know people who waited a long time after a loss at the advice of others, but I'd like to know how people who conceived soon after a loss feel. I don't see any reason why I can't grieve my sons and grow a new baby at the same time. Whenever I conceive, I will still be grieving my sons.

We're getting a big snow storm, I guess. We had a snow day today, but the roads were completely clear. I guess we're supposed to get more tonight. I don't care. I sort of wish it would snow forever because I can't imagine being this sad with the sun out. It would be too weird.

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