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3 MONTHS WITHOUT MY BABIES

mommyof2babyangelboys

September 2010

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MISSING MY BOYS

Feb 08, 2010 03:15am (EST)

its been three months to the day since tyler was born. he was the first born of my twins. my twins levi and tyler were born 4 days apart. tyler being born at 23 weeks and 4 days and levi at 24 weeks and 2 days. i had kept asking my doctor what a contraction felt like and he said i would know when i had one so i wasnt having any since i was asking. i also had asked what are some signs of pre term labor that i need to look out for and he once again told me i would know when it was time to call. i decided to switch doctors at that point because i was convinced that mine was an idiot and the clinic i was going to didnt know what they were doing. i had been having complications since i was 14 weeks with my cervix shortening all the way down to .9mm at 17 weeks and funneling so they did an emergency cerclage. i called a new doctor and made an appointment to switch over to her. in between my last appointment with the idiot and the new dr i kept goin to my weekly ultrasounds to moniter my cervical lengths and they were all good. then two days before my next ultrasound i started getting really low backache that would come and go but it wasnt regualr so i thought it was just braxton hicks and told my husband that if it kept up or got worse to take me to the hospital. the backache ended up going away for the night and started up again the next night so once again i just did the wait and see thing. the next day i had an ultrasound and i had started feeling pressure so i told the person doing the ultrasound and she sent me back out to the waiting room after my ultrasound to talk to the dr. i looked at my husband and told him they are going to send me to labor and delivery and sure enough they did. come to find out i was dialted to 2 cm and 80-90 effaced and having contractions and had been having them for days. they immediatly called a level 3 hospital to come and get me so i could be transferred there and put me on mag to stop my contractions. the contractions stopped and my nurse looked at me and said if you have these babies now dont expect them to survive. what kind of labor and delivery nurse tells someone this while they are in labor? but the ambulance got took me to the other hospital and i was told that i would be there until i delivered and lots of women stayed at 2 and 80-90 for months so i was expecting a nice long stay. think again. the next night my water broke with baby a. i told my nurse that i thought my water broke and she asked if i was sure i didnt pee myself and when i told her i was sure she went and got the q tip like thing and swabbed me and it changed colors so she ran out and got the dr who checked me and once she was done checking me my water came flooding out and she said i was still 2 cm but they were taking me to labor and delivery and they started me on penicillin to keep me from getting an infection since i wasnt having contractions. that night the nicu came in to talk to me and my husband and told us the babies chances if born at 23 weeks. he ended up having a panic attack outside of my room and had to be taken to the er meanwhile i was still not having any contractions. three days later they took me off the mag because of the risk of infection and i had tyler that night at 233 am on november8. once they figured out his twin wasnt coming that night they put me back on the mag and everything calmed down once again four days later they did an ultrasound and it showed i had dialted once again but this time i was 8 cm so i was going to have the baby at anytime. levi made his appearance at 401 on november 12. tyler was doing really well from the start he never had a brain bleed or any problems except for jaundice so the neonatalogist was suprised and started him on feeds and said that was his next big hurdle. levi meanwhile started out with rds and was put on an oscilator and still couldnt keep the carbon down. there were several times that they didnt think he would make it through the night or that they would try one more thing and then they had done all they could. i remember getting up one time at 4 in the morning to pump and they called me and they had been calling me all day and night about levi so i thought they were calling about him again and the first words out of her mouth was its not levi its tyler how fast can you get here. she told me they had to transfer him to another hospital because he preforated a intestinee or bowel and had to have surgery asap and i had to get there to sign release papers allowing it. got to the hospital and signed the papers and talked to the surgeon over the phone allowing him to do surgery on my 1 pound 2 ounce baby. he came through surgery which they didnt think he would but his tummy never got better just kept getting darker so they asked us to take him off support becasue they felt they were doing more to him to helping and i didnt like seeing my baby getting poked and prodded and no good was coming out of it so i made the hardest decision in my life and that was to let him go. they took all they tubes and wires off of him and i got to see him without anything in the way for the first time. he was a gorgeous little boy and looked just like his daddy. he held on for over an hour before he finally let go and left us at 130 on november 17 2009. we went straight to the other hospital to check on his twin levi and for the moment he was stabilzed and doing good his stats were up for the first time since hed been born i thought he was finally comingaround a couple days later the nurse called me and i asked if we were coming to see him that day and i told her we were on the way and she told us that he had a grade 3 and a grade 4 brain bleed and that his kedneys were failing that he wasnt going to make it much longer so in a matter of days i had to let both of my babies go he left this world on november 20 at 430. people tell me that it gets easier and i need to let them go. but its not getting easier and how can you let something go that you had all these hopes and dreams for and they didnt even get a chance at life. they were my first kids first pregnancy and it was twins. i keep thinking there was something i could have done or should have done to keep them in i had a cerclage it didnt work bedrest didnt work either but i still feel like there was something i could have done to save my kids. maybe if i would have switched doctors sooner i would still have them and be getting ready to bring them home. there room was ready for them everything was set up and just waiting for them to come home. but i will never know because my kids are going and there is just this big black hole inside of me that nothing can fix. all my friends have babies that are around the age that my two would have been and it just makes me so mad that their babies are healthy and home and mine arent. i even have a neighbor that had her baby at 25 weeks and her baby is at the same hospital that mine were and he is doing great. its too the point where i cant sleep at night and then when i do fall asleep i dont want to get out of bed. then to top it off my mom decided to inform me today that people are tired of me talking about the twins... so i cant talk to anyone about them because they dont want to hear it including my own my and it was her dam grandkids that she wont claim because they arent here for her to see. i know i need to talk to someone about this but theres no one to talk to and then i end yelling at my husband and crying because i yelled at him. i think i have finally reached my breaking point with all of this and im just done with it all. i want another baby but im scared to get pregnant again because i have to have another cerclage and what if it fails like it did with the twins and i lose another baby. then everyone is saying that i need to wait and give my mind and body time to heal and get over this. but im never going to be over this and im not trying to replace the boys nothng could ever do that but i need to feel that little life inside me again that i created and make it past 24 weeks and prove that i can have a healthy baby

Posted by mommyof2babyangelboys | Comments: (5) | Permalink

trying to cope....not working too well