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WE HAD AN ANGEL INSTEAD

Jacoby's Mom

May 2013

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VERY ANNOYED

May 11, 2013 05:36am (EST)

So I've been very busy with work. I have been pulling 20 hour days this week. I'm feeling quite annoyed. I feel like the people around me aren't reliable and I can really only count on me. I'm feeling overwhelmed with alot on my plate because employees have the luxuary of putting their personal lives first whereas as a business owner I dont. But today I find myself extremely annoyed. It's 1:30 a.m. and I'm working. I've worked almost all day except for the fact that I stepped out to go to a doctors appointment and run some errands. In three hours time I missed 18 emails, not bad. So I kept working, took a short break to have dinner. Working. Another short break to ruin a prom dress as I tried to glitter it. Still working. I've compiled my to do list and emptied my inbox and I'm working. I tell my husband (can't say darling because I am annoyed with him) that I am not going to get the weekend off like I had planned. I also said that if I hadn't made arrangments to go see West Side story with my son's girlfriend tomorrow that I'd cancel. He says, "you spread yourself too thin, you make too many committments to these kids". This is not the first time he's made a comment about these kids. Does he not understand that the last two years in grief without him these kids as he calls them got me thru very lonely times? Does he not understand that I care about them and feel concern and am committed to them? NO he doesn't because they're not "our" kids. Lately I feel like he resents them being around, he resents our house being the hang out spot. When he told me that I shouldn't make committments to the kids, I wanted to explode. But I said to him... "I need a life outside of work". I can't work all the time. I need a weekend off. I want to grieve for Jacoby; mother's day is here and I want some time to think about my son that should be finger painting something special for me this year. When JJ was 2 he made a T shirt for me, it was red with blue hand prints, it said "Hands Down I'm the best mom in town". I loved it. I want a shirt like that from Jacoby. Instead of working... I want my son here. And if I cant have him than I have to feel like I'm making a difference in the life of a child. Hence the reason why I spend any time I can commited to the "clique". Very soon they'll all be moving on to college and the military and I'll be left with nothing. JJ is starting his own adventure into adulthood and Kadijah and he are celebrating their one year this month. It's only a matter of time before they're married. I won't have kids around. I was supposed to have 16 more years before Jacoby 'said' goodbye to go away on his own. Instead, all I have is work. Most days I love my life, my marriage, my husband. Today I'm annoyed, tired, and overworked. Thanks for allowing me to vent. I needed to get it off my chest, pulling an all nighter!

Posted by Jacoby's Mom | Comments: (2) | Permalink

MUCH BETTER

Apr 26, 2013 01:50pm (EST)

Things with Jamie are much better. I told him how I was feeling. I don't know how I did it but I did. He has been working on taking a class at home and he seems to be doing more around the house. He's been helping me with work traveling and that's nice to have his company. He's been doing better. In the mean time... JJ's graduation is coming. I decided to send announcements to anyone that is on my Christmas card list. It made it easier and this way I don't exclude anyone from the beautiful photo announcements that I designed with photos that I've taken. I've been enjoying photography as a hobby. I'm not really great at it but I enjoy it. I find myself trying to escape grief lately. Then this morning I was looking for something on the computer and I stumbled across some things I have written about Jacoby and then his photo and then his butterflies and then here I am. Blogging. It just hit me, I will never get to see him graduate. I will never get to see him go to school. I need to work thru these feelings so that they don't ruin JJ's day. I don't want to miss out on JJ's life anymore than I have because of grief. I can't. So I need to get it out of my system. I've got a month to get it out. Maybe I will talk to Jamie about it. Maybe I will talk to JJ about it. We are planning a very big graduation party and we want everyone to come that can come. We are going to celebrate. So far there will be around 30 people there. Alot of out of towners so I'm making hotel reservations and trying to get great rates. Food is planned out and much of the party supplies have been ordered. I still have some things to do but I will get them done around the 8th of May. that's 30 days before. In the mean time I'm super busy with work.

Ohh did I mention I have 3 bulging discs in my back? I've spent the last two weeks drugged up and trying to find something that works. Meds make my legs swell. The pain meds are addicting so I'm scared of them. I am a mess. I've gone to a standing desk and my feet hurt.

I need to get in better shape.

Well that's it for now but today I'm doing much better all the way around.

Posted by Jacoby's Mom | Comments: (2) | Permalink

RETIREMENT

Apr 09, 2013 01:49am (EST)

Well as many of you know my husband retired after over 20 years of service with the Army. What you don't know probably has little to do with Share but much to do with me and I need an outlet; retirement stole my husband and I want him back!
Since he's been home we've moved. We've settled in. He's played alot of video games. He's not done much else claiming he wanted a little bit of a break. I'm okay with that. What I'm not okay with is that he woke up grouchy today and has barely spoken to me all day. I miss him and I want him back. I feel like we were closer when he was in TN and Korea than we are now. I don't know what to do. And NO I haven't tried talking to him. I'm afraid to. , I dont know where the conversation will go. I need to play it out in my mind before I try to go there.

He's here but he's not. It's like grief; watching from the outside I see a shell. Today I feel like he'd shut me down on any effort to communicate. I'm scared. I can't live a life without Jacoby and without Jamie. Staying in denial is much easier than dealing with that fear head on.

Posted by Jacoby's Mom | Comments: (5) | Permalink

GOWNS

Apr 03, 2013 06:24pm (EST)

Today I shared with Jamie that I wanted to do preemie gowns for Jacoby's birthday and make a donation to the hospitals both here and where he was born. So pleased with his response, he said he would help. He thought it was a great idea. I put it out on facebook that friends and family could donate 1/3 a yard of fabric. That should make at least two gowns. No real goal other than actually doing it and doing this with Jamie. For the past two years we've been apart and now it's time for us to do something together.

So I made it thru another "little kid" holiday. Tried to focus on Jesus and the reason for the holiday. I also had a sweet sixteen party here for Makayla. Which was super fun for all the teens in my world.

Please keep telling me how I am such a "nice lady". Graciously I take the compliment and smile. But inside I am really bothered by this. I do whatever I do for these kids for very selfish reasons. I do it because I know what it's like not to have a child here, and I'm trying to fill that void. I do it for me. These kids, the teens that I spend so much time with, that I'm invested in, I do it because I can't do it for Jacoby. So in essence it's not about being nice, it's about being selfish.

Had a weak moment yesterday... is it really a weak moment. I think it's just a vulnerable moment. In a time when I'm trying to be "FINE" Feelings Inside Nothing Expressed.... tears make me feel 'weak'. It's been a while since that sadness surfaced for reasons other than exhaustion. I miss him.

Hoping you're all doing well and enjoying your week.

Posted by Jacoby's Mom | Comments: (5) | Permalink

EGGS

Mar 27, 2013 10:49pm (EST)

I want to color Easter eggs and I don't have any little ones around to color them with me. It makes me sad. If Jacoby was here we'd have Easter eggs and an Easter bunny.

Posted by Jacoby's Mom | Comments: (3) | Permalink

TAHNIYAH

Mar 21, 2013 07:51pm (EST)

Today is Tahniyah's first birthday. She was born a year ago today. On April 2nd she died from SUIDs as a result of co sleeping. Today I urge you all to keep your babies on an approved sleep surface no matter how much you want to co sleep or snuggle or let them sleep in your arms, it's dangerous and it takes lives. Today is why everyone makes a big deal out of first birthdays.... because Today, Tahniyah didn't get to see hers. Tahniyah is a statistic. But to me she's so much more than that. She's Makayla's niece and today Makayla is William's sister. William is Tahniyah's father. He's heart broken. His baby girl isn't here for her first birthday. She died.

Today I helped Makayla and her family navigate and celebrate the 1st birthday of their sweet little angel who isn't with them to celebrate.

We got cupcakes, candles and balloons. Her family will sing happy birthday later. Then we got her family to each write on a balloon and Makayla and I did a balloon release. WE got flowers for Makayla's mom to take to the cemetary. It snowed and I told Makayla that the flurries were angel dust. Which made her smile.

Today was special, it was supposed to be super special.

Posted by Jacoby's Mom | Comments: (6) | Permalink

RACING THRU MY MIND

Mar 21, 2013 02:49am (EST)

I have so much racing thru my mind and I don't even know where to start. I think I should start by telling you that I'm fine. I'm okay. I'm not falling off the deep end. But right now, in this moment, my heart is heavy. I just wish I could articulate clearly why. I just know that down time is not good for me. I need to stay busy. But then I wonder, am I staying busy so that I don't have to "deal".

My sweet friend Makayla's niece would be one tomorrow. But she won't be because she died of SUIDS from Co Sleeping. It makes me sad to think about how Makayla's heart is breaking that her niece isn't here to celebrate her first birthday. How do I help a 16 year old girl navigate the grief that I've grown so attached to?

It dawned on my suddenly that Jacoby would be a little over 2 now. With JJ those were the best times. I then think about other moms that I know who have no living children and my heart hurts again. I just have so many things racing thru my mind.

I was sharing with a friend today that JJ's friends all came to help us move. When I thanked them for it they all said it was for me. I mean teens came for manual labor to help. I couldn't believe how hard they all worked and how much they all wanted to help me. I'm so grateful for each of them. I feel like I have something to contribute to their lives and the bond I've developed with this group of young people fills a huge void in my life. I know though, if Jacoby was here I wouldn't be there for them. Three of them are regularly counting on me for love, support, mentoring, encouragement. I would not have that time for them if Jacoby were here. Then I wonder.....

I miss him. I miss Jacoby. I miss what could have been. I'm not sure though what that is... a life time of struggles from being a micro preemie... yeah... not what I wanted. I am glad I didn't have to choose.

I love my son the way he is, though it's not optimal, I am still his mother and I love him. I love these kids that need me and I'm going to find a way to help Makayla honor her niece tomorrow on her first birthday.

I'm okay.... just feeling indifferent, wishing I could change things.

Posted by Jacoby's Mom | Comments: (4) | Permalink

DREAM

Mar 11, 2013 01:32pm (EST)

I've always wanted to dream about Jacoby and never have been able to. I've always complained about this. I have always wished that I could visit with him in my dreams even if it's for a moment in time. Last week I took a nap. In this nap I had the strangest dream. Well first of all I owned a suburban, and I do not. I was at a huge hotel, and I'm afraid of bed bugs so that's a big NOT. My mom was staying in the hotel and we couldn't find her at first, which caused a delay. It was odd that I was with my mother because for those of you that recall, I have had a 'falling out with her' and haven't talked to her since September (other than a few emails). But the oddest part of this dream was the need for a car seat. It was clear in this dream we were going to JJ's High School graduation and the family was piling into the car or should I say oversized SUV. I insisted on jumping into the back seat because my mother had been watching the baby while we were doing things with JJ. Some of this was "spoken" in the dream and then some of it was "feeling". The part that felt so real was when Jacoby was in that car seat and he looked up at me and he was just a tiny little baby boy with chapped lips. Yeah go ahead and chuckle cause I still am. I immediately began to ask someone for chap stick and rubbed it on his lips and then the dream was over.... someone woke me up. I tried so hard to get back to my nap, to my dream, to my son, and it didn't work. But I was so happy for that moment.

Now I anazlyze... wouldn't be me if I didn't analyze.

Jacoby wouldn't be a baby. JJ graduates HS in June and Jacoby would be 2.5. I think his chapped lips were because in all of his photos his mouth is wide open and we know when we sleep with an open mouth our lips get dry. I believe that my mom 'babysitting' has more to do with my subconscious than anything. I've always felt like her parenting kept me from true happiness in life. I always felt like she robbed me of a child hood so it's obvious that she'd be with my son in my dream and rob me of time with him because she's in a hotel and we can't find her. The suburban... well I think that's just because secretly I would love to have the need for a huge car to hold a huge family.

Ultimately;

I do not care how old he was... I was and still am very excited that I had a dream about him.

Posted by Jacoby's Mom | Comments: (3) | Permalink

DOWNER ALERT!

Mar 06, 2013 12:49am (EST)

I just had a thought.... I never heard the term "rainbow baby" until after Jacoby. And then I learned, Jacoby was my rainbow. Today I saw a quote about bright rainbows after a storm and immediately my synical mind thought, "not all rainbows survive the storm".

Jacoby was my rainbow.

I miss him.

Posted by Jacoby's Mom | Comments: (4) | Permalink

I'M BAAAAACK!

Feb 20, 2013 03:33pm (EST)

Feeling more like myself. Well more like me in the new normal. I have to say that moving felt like the early days of grief. I cried myself to sleep. My body physically hurt as much as my heart hurt. I was in a disarray and everything was out of sorts. In my head I drew the analogy many times that there were similarities. My whole world was turned upside down when Jacoby died. Now I had to move and my whole house was literally upside down.

I'm Back!

I finally was able to clean the house yesterday. Jamie's cousin said "it should be against the law to clean like that she's going to kill every organism that moves". I was disgusted at the dirt that came off the floors. OMG. Thank God for magic eraser.

Which brings me to the analogy, I wish that I could magic eraser the hurt. But it will always be there to serve as a friendly reminder that I have a son and his name is Jacoby. Sometimes I wonder if we hold on to the hurt... because we can't hold on to our babies. (then I think he's not a baby anymore he'd be a little over two now)

It's been kind of hard for me lately to focus on joy. So many of my fb friends have babies and toddlers. I'm watching them grow from a distance trying to be happy for them and recognizing that I'll never get to see Jacoby grow in that way.

During the move I told Jamie there were certain things I didn't want to see destroyed. Nothing was destroyed. But something was lost. When we went to NYC for the Macy's parade in 2011 I had bought photo print letters to spell out Jacoby's name. They're art. I then searched for a long time for a frame that holds six 4x6 letter prints. A friend found it. Then I hadn't put it together because I didn't have a place to hang it. During the move the frame was lost. I was devastated when I realized it. Quickly I rationalized my thought process to recognize that it was replaceable. I was going thru the last of my bedroom and found the frame behind something, it was actually tucked inside the back of another large frame. Whew... now where to hang this. I think I want to hang it in the office. I have to share an office with Jamie and this is something that's part of both of us and there's a big empty wall for it! so we'll see, JJ may want it for his room since it is black and white art and everything he has is that color scheme.

Well now I'm rambling and I do have work to do. I wanted to thank you all for your love and support once again. You all get it and I need someone that gets it. The move is over, the house is complete and I am no longer turned upside down. Thankful that I am fortunate with a roof over my head, my health and those I love close by.

Having Jamie here has proven to be so calming. He is my safe place.

Posted by Jacoby's Mom | Comments: (3) | Permalink

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