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WELCOME, GUEST |
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(3 members)
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Naul's mom6 |
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JoannaMaggie6 |
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TWIN BOYS LOST BUT NEVER FORGOTTEN, MOVING FORWARD
Lucy256 |
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| Category: Home | Sun | Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat | | | | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 |
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MOTHER'S DAY
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May 19, 2013 10:05am (EST)
This year we celebrated what I consider to be my 2nd Mother's Day, but so many people told me Happy 1st Mother's Day. I feel like nobody acknowledged that I was already a mother to my boys and it was kind of irritating. Maybe I shouldn't feel that way because it is a different form of being a mother because my boys aren't here with us, but I am still their mother. I'm the only mother they've got. All in all it was a great day, but also a mix of emotions because I was able to celebrate with Kylie, but not Blake and Alan. Kylie (aka my husband) got me a Steelers T-shirt that said World's Best Mom on it. When I saw it, I cried. Tears of happiness. He didn't understand why I was so emotional, it was just a shirt. But seeing the word Mom on it and knowing that I could wear it proudly made me feel so good! Although I was a mom to the boys, I don't feel that I could wear a mom shirt without getting some strange looks. I proudly put on my shirt and wore it the rest of Mother's Day. The other vent I have about Mother's Day was when I went to work the next the big question was, "What did you get for Mother's Day?" And my question is, why does it have to be about what you get? How about we all got be moms to healthy babies/children. That's more than enough to be thankful for.
Ok enough of that, on a more positive note, Kylie is 4 1/2 months old and doing wonderful! She is smiling, rolling over, reaching for things, and just yesterday she finally laughed for the first time. It just melted my heart. She is so precious and I'm so grateful for her. Only a few more weeks of school and then I will be able to spend my summer vacation with her. I can't wait!
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Posted by Lucy256 | Comments: (2) | Permalink
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SHE'S HERE!!!!
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Jan 20, 2013 05:06pm (EST)
She’s finally here! Kylie Ann made her debut on January 1, 2013 at 12:24 pm. She weighed 8 pounds, 1 ounce and was 21 inches long. She’s absolutely perfect! She was the first baby born in 2013 in the county I live in and got all kinds of prizes for being the New Year’s Baby, which was kinda cool.
We had a rough first week and needed to stay in the hospital because she had fluid in her lungs. Actually, when she came out, she hardly cried which was a part of her birth I was really looking forward to. They had to whisk her away and suction stuff out of her mouth before I got to see her. Then they brought her over to me and I held her for about a minute. She looked deep into my eyes and I felt the strongest connection I’ve ever had with anybody in just a matter of seconds. It was the best feeling in the world and I just started bawling! She’s just beautiful.
I only held her about 5 minutes total the day she was born, which was hard. I had to wait several hours to see her after I delivered her, then they finally wheeled me down to the nursery to see her. I waited so long for this little girl and then I couldn’t even hold her and love on her. The next day I held her about an hour total. She was hooked up to monitors and oxygen and was breathing really fast. They say that’s pretty common and usually goes away within 48 hours. Well 48 hours came and went and she wasn’t getting better. She had a bowel movement while still in my belly during labor and they were concerned that the meconium was in her lungs. They put her on antibiotics to prevent infection and she needed to stay on them for 7 days. I wasn’t able to nurse her at all the first couple of days because they were worried she would inhale the milk into her lungs too because of her fast breathing rate. So we just spent lots of time visiting with her in the nursery the first couple of days. Finally by day 4 in the hospital she started to show some progress and her breathing slowed down. She was unhooked from the monitors and oxygen and was able to come to our hospital room. She has shown great progress since then and now is good and healthy (as far as her breathing goes).
Now our battle that we’re trying to overcome is getting her to gain weight. Not nursing those first couple of days hurt us because she was put on IV fluids and got all she needed from that. I did start pumping right away and we were able to give her some colostrum through a syringe the next day. When it came time to nurse, she didn’t have much of a desire because she was “full” from the fluids in the IV. But they wouldn’t take her off the IV until she had several good feedings. I ended up having to nurse her every 2 hours and after each feeding they cut the fluid back from the IV’s a tiny bit until we had her totally weaned off. However, when I tried to nurse her since then she has been soooo sleepy and it’s a battle to keep her awake to eat. When we got home, I went to see a lactation consultant and she weighed her there. She had dropped down all the way to 7 pounds, 4 ounces. She was 7 pounds, 10 ounces when we left the hospital. She said Kylie doesn’t know what it feels like to be “full” because she’s never had to really work for it. She was only eating a little less than an ounce at each feeding and then going to sleep and seemed content for a couple hours until I woke her up to nurse again. She said because she hasn’t been eating that well, it has caused my body to think it doesn’t need to make as much milk, so my supply has gone down. Now I’m taking Fenugreek to help boost my supply, I nurse every 2-3 hours and pump afterwards every single time. Then I take the milk that I pumped and I’m feeding it to her through a tube next to my nipple so while she’s nursing she’s getting an extra supplement as well. It’s quite the process, but it’s working. As of Friday, she was back up to 7 pounds, 10 ounces. So we’re going to keep doing this and slowly wean off the supplement as my supply hopefully increases.
So, sorry it has taken so long to give an update about her birth, but it’s been a crazy couple of weeks! I’m loving having her home and trying to soak up every minute with her. I’m absolutely exhausted, but loving her. People that tell you to sleep before you have your baby aren’t kidding! I sleep in 1 hour increments and never feel rested. We’ve been having so many appointments because of her weight and visits with the lactation consultant, then family and other visitors wanting to see her. It’s just crazy. My husband has been able to have the last 2 weeks off work to be with us which has been wonderful…but he goes back to work tomorrow and I’m a little nervous. He’s been such a big help, but I know I need to figure things out on my own too. Yesterday and today I told him to let me do more on my own with her so I can wean myself off of him. It’s been going really well so far. I just feel like I’m constantly worried about whether or not she’s gaining weight. I’m thinking about getting a scale so I can weigh her each day for peace of mind. Ok, well, I suppose I better go because it’s time to nurse her again! Breastfeeding is hard. I feel like that’s all I do. But I know it’s the best thing for her and I’ll do whatever I can to give her the best that I can.
Kylie
Kylie 2
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Posted by Lucy256 | Comments: (6) | Permalink
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PAST MY DUE DATE
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Dec 28, 2012 05:03am (EST)
I never in a million years thought I would be making this post. This entire pregnancy I was so worried about preterm labor…well, my due date was the 26th and still no baby! We had a nonstress test today and the baby is doing well in there. I also got checked and am now 75% effaced and 3 cm dilated. We’re getting closer. The doctor recommended that if the baby doesn’t come on her own by next Wednesday that I should be induced. I’m hoping Mother Nature continues to progress things on her own and we won’t need to be induced. There’s a full moon tomorrow, so I’m hoping there’s truth to the full moon bringing on labor…maybe we’ll meet our little girl tomorrow. Either way, our daughter will be here in 1 week at the latest!
Who would’ve ever thought that after delivering twins at 18 weeks that the next pregnancy would go past my due date? I still can’t wrap my mind around it. While I am so thankful that my body is doing what it needs to, I still can’t help but wonder why it couldn’t do this before for my boys. We stopped at the cemetery on Christmas and I felt this comfort that they’re watching over us and their baby sister. Wish they were here with us, but they aren’t and it still makes me sad to think about what might’ve been.
I’m feeling every emotion imaginable about the upcoming delivery. I’m so excited, nervous, scared, anxious, and yet so READY! When I think about labor and delivery, all I have to compare it to is my delivery of the twins. It’s hard not to think about that experience when thinking about what experience we will have within the next week. I hope that the outcome is much different this time around and we get to go home with our “take home” baby. I can’t wait to hear her cry and to get to hold her. I think I will be an emotional mess as soon as I hear her cry. As far as delivery goes, I think I’m most worried about her size. I’m having a hard time imagining delivering a big full term baby as compared to our tiny boys who were only about 6 inches long and weighed less than a pound. I guess I should have faith that my body has done what it has needed to up to this point and it will continue to do what it needs to in order to deliver this baby girl. That’s all for now, hopefully my next entry will be about the arrival of our daughter.
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Posted by Lucy256 | Comments: (8) | Permalink
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FULL TERM!
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Dec 15, 2012 03:41pm (EST)
We’ve officially reached full term! I’m actually 38 weeks now. I can hardly believe we’ve made it this far. I really thought I would have her by now, but I’m glad she’s still in there because at least I know she’s safe and developing into a healthy full-term baby. Every little kick I feel I just look forward more and more to meeting her. As of Thursday, I was about 1 ½ cm dilated and 50% effaced. We’re taking that as a sign of progress knowing that my body is actually doing what it needs to. I’m so impressed that my body can do this. We stopped our shots at 36 weeks and I thought I might go shortly after that, but we’re still going strong. I’ve been having lots of Braxton Hicks contractions and lost my mucous plug this morning…but I know that really doesn’t mean much. It could happen in the next couple of days, or it could be 2 more weeks.
I’m feeling better about the whole long-term sub situation and having someone else take over my classroom. I met her and think she’ll do a fine job. She got to meet my students too and it seems like they’ll be a good match. I’m going to do my best to not think about school and focus on my baby. I think once she’s here, that won’t be hard at all!
I’ve also felt guilty lately and my husband keeps tell me I shouldn’t. I can’t explain it because I know it’s irrational, but part of my feels guilty that this pregnancy is going so well. I feel bad that my body couldn’t do what it needed to for Blake and Alan. Why is it doing what it needs to now? I’m also surrounded by pregnant friends who are having some troubles with their pregnancies. One has placenta previa and needs to deliver her baby via c-section. One is 32 weeks pregnant and hardly feels the baby kicking at all so has to have weekly nonstress tests (which is causing her stress and anxiety because she always feels like there’s something wrong). Another friend has had trouble with high blood pressure and ended up having to have her baby at 31 weeks (only 2 lbs. 12 oz) because of her extremely high blood pressure. I told my husband I feel bad that I’m breezing through this pregnancy and they aren’t. He reminded me that we have lost 2 sons and there is no reason I should feel guilty that things are going so well this time.
I also have started this fear of thinking and realizing that we really aren’t completely out of the woods yet. We still need to make it through her delivery. I guess I just assumed once I reached full-term, everything would be fine. But really anything can happen. I have had bad things happen before, what makes me think it won’t happen again? I know it’s not super likely because from all we know, everything is fine and she’s healthy and everything will go according to plan. But I guess there’s just that little fear in the back of my mind. I wonder if that’s normal to have that fear or if I just have that fear because I’ve lost babies in the past. Either way, I’m choosing to have faith and believe that everything will be fine. I have everything ready and can picture her coming home with us. I really hope she is here by Christmas, but we will see. I am getting so incredibly excited and ready to meet her. She has no idea how much she is already loved. I think her big brothers are looking down on her too and watching out for her and loving her already too. I’ll be sure to update as things continue to progress…can’t wait!
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Posted by Lucy256 | Comments: (3) | Permalink
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34 WEEKS
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Nov 17, 2012 08:05pm (EST)
34 weeks and feeling so blessed! I can’t believe how close I’m getting to full term. I hoped and prayed I would make it this far, but I wasn’t sure that I ever would. In my mind, when I found out I was pregnant I was mentally preparing myself for a rough 9 month journey full of bed rest, extra medication to stop contractions/preterm labor, extra visits to the hospital, and lots of anxiety. I’m happy to report I haven’t needed anything except my weekly P17 shots and lots of faith. All in all, this pregnancy has been flawless. It’s hard to understand what went so terribly wrong with my twin pregnancy, because I’m learning that my body actually is able to handle pregnancy and do exactly what it needs to (so far anyways). It makes me sad thinking about why it couldn’t have done this for my twins, but I know there’s nothing I can do about it to change anything. I keep thinking more and more that there was some kind of infection that I didn’t know about that caused me to go into preterm labor with them. I know I’ll never know.
The hardest part in the last couple of weeks was going on a hospital tour. We went to the same hospital that I delivered Alan and Blake in. A couple of my friends from work were doing the tour with their husbands, so we went along too. We put on a happy face while we were there, but Nick and I were both a mess when we left. We went into the actual labor and delivery rooms and the nurse talked to us for a while. All I could do was look around and have major flashbacks about the day we lost the twins. It was weird because some parts of the room I remembered so vividly, and in another sense, I didn’t even remember being wheeled down the hallway that we were in. Part of me regrets even going on the tour, but another part of me thinks that I needed to go one more time before having our baby. Our next visit will hopefully be a much happier one with a very different outcome.
Now that I’m getting so close to full term, everything is feeling much more real. I know that even if I delivered my baby today, she would likely be fine. I’m starting to get over the worries that she’ll be premature and starting to worry more about the actual delivery. I know I went through it with the twins, but how different will it be with a full term baby? I feel like a pretty strong person, but what if I’m a big wimp and can’t handle it? What if I make it this far and something goes wrong during delivery? I guess the part that bothers me is everything is so unpredictable and I just want to know what to expect and know that everything is going to be ok in the end.
The other area I’m a little concerned about is thinking about someone else teaching for me while I’m on maternity leave, and then transitioning back to teaching when my maternity leave is over. I’m taking 12 weeks off and I know it’s going to go by so fast! My students at school have been my “kids” for the last 4 ½ years. With learning support I have the same students every year, so I really get to stay with them and watch them grow up through their elementary years. I know them so well and know what works for them and what doesn’t. It’s hard to hand the reigns over to someone else who doesn’t even know them. At the same time, when I’m home with my daughter, she’ll obviously be my biggest focus. I need to give all of my love and attention to her. Then I worry when I go back, that I won’t be able to do as well at my job because I’ll be more focused on my daughter. I’m worried about finding the right balance between my kids at school and my kid at home. Thankfully I only will be back at school for about 2 ½ months, then summer will be here and get 3 more months with her. I’m really looking forward to that!
Here’s to hoping the next few weeks continue to go smoothly and that I will have a healthy little baby girl in my arms soon. Nick thinks that I’m going to have the baby around 36-37 weeks. We’ll see. I feel as ready as I can be just in case I do go early. I have my hospital bag packed, the nursery is ready, her clothes are washed and put away. We’ve taken every class I could find for childbirth preparation, breastfeeding, etc. We’re trying to prepare my dog by having her listen to youtube videos of babies crying and carrying around a stuffed animal (lol…yes, we’re weird – someone told us this helped their dog). I’m having my long-term sub come in and shadow me for a day next week. I’m also putting together a binder with everything I can think of that she will need to know while I’m out. It may be an overload of info, but I’d rather give her too much than not enough. How much is she going to remember after talking to me for one day? I feel like there’s so much that she needs to know in order for things to run smoothly. Speaking of which, I better go finish typing up some of that info while I’m thinking of a few more things I need to tell her. 5 ½ more weeks at the most (hopefully) and I will have my girl! Can’t wait!!!!
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Posted by Lucy256 | Comments: (3) | Permalink
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29 WEEKS
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Oct 16, 2012 01:11am (EST)
Today is pregnancy and infant loss awareness day. I think of my boys every day, but on this day I think of them even more. Last year I made them a special candle with a saying, their picture, and their date of birth. I stopped by the cemetery after work and then Nick and I lit the candle at 7:00 and spent a moment thinking about them and talking about them. It made me think about this day a year ago and how much we've processed in the past year. In some ways I feel like we've come so far, and in others it feels like nothing has changed. We still don't have our boys and I still feel like a piece of my heart is missing. And I know it always will be. Being pregnant with our little girl now helps to ease the pain in a way, but it will never fill the hole in my heart that my boys took with them when they went to heaven.
I often think about what life would be like if Alan and Blake were here. They would be about 9 months old now if they were born on their due date. I was thinking today about pictures that I would be taking with them this time of year with the beautiful fall scenery and pumpkins around them. Then I'm brought back to reality and know that can't happen. I know our lives have taken a different path, and I'm so excited about our little girl. I feel blessed to be on this path as well, but wonder what that other path would've been like too. It's a feeling that is hard to explain, but a feeling that I'm getting used to.
On the pregnancy front, all is going well. I'm continuing to celebrate each week that I make it through still pregnant. I'm feeling kicks and punches a lot which is so reassuring and lets me know she's doing well in there. I had my baby shower over the weekend. Another big milestone that I never made it to with the twins. I think angel moms can appreciate these types of events and each passing week more than other mother-to-be's. I'm trying to appreciate each step of the way, even the aches, pains, and swollen ankles because I know how quickly it can all be taken away. 29 weeks down, 11 to go. It's getting close...yet still so far away!
Here's a picture of us from my shower this weekend.
Belly
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Posted by Lucy256 | Comments: (2) | Permalink
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I MADE IT TO MY NEXT MILESTONE: 28 WEEKS!
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Oct 04, 2012 01:07am (EST)
I’m sorry I’ve been slacking on my posts. School started and I seem to no longer have time for anything! This has been an extremely busy start to the school year. I just finished writing an IEP and thought I’d take a few minutes to check in here.
I’ve been feeling great! Other than the typical pregnancy discomforts, things are going well. I’m so thankful and excited that I’ve made it to the 3rd trimester. I’ve never been here before and it’s a good feeling. It’s also a good feeling to know that if my baby is born now, she has a very good chance of surviving. We had our last visit with the MFM and he said we “graduated” from high risk. My cervix was 3.8 cm and baby is measuring right on track. They even did a 4d ultrasound which was amazing. We got to see our little girl’s face and it made it feel that much more real that it’s really happening, we’re having a baby. I thank God every day for that and am trying to enjoy every minute.
The first day of school was fun because my students just awkwardly stared at my belly. I was surprised none of them came out and asked if I was pregnant right away, but when I asked them what they were looking at, they asked about my belly. I told them I ate too many burgers over the summer and they just looked confused until I told them the truth. Haha! Now they are super excited (especially the girls) and they’re trying to help me come up with names for her.
We’re pretty much done with nursery. I’ll attach a picture of it. I also have a baby shower this weekend with my family, and then with my hubby’s family next weekend. Then I’m getting maternity pictures taken the weekend after that. It’s so fun getting to do all of the things that I never got to do last time. I still have sad moments when I think about the twins. I guess this is the next stage people talk about. When I started setting up a date with a photographer I started crying because that was something I was so excited to do with my twin pregnancy. I remember looking up really cute newborn pictures of twins too. I’ll never get to experience that with Alan and Blake and it makes me sad. My husband reminded me that I get to do those things with this little girl, but it still isn’t the same as getting to do that with my boys. I’m sure this is the first of many things that will feel like this.
We took a childbirth preparation class last weekend. It made me think a lot about my labor with the twins, but also helped me to look ahead to my labor with this baby and think about how different it will be too. I just can’t wait to hear her crying when she’s born instead of silence. I think I’ll probably just be an emotional mess…but it will all be worth it in the end. I had a dream the other night that I had this baby and she came out smiling and cuddled on my chest. She was so soft and cute! I know that’s unrealistic, but it was the best feeling in the world. I just want her to be healthy.
That’s pretty much it. I’ll try to be better about updating. Life’s just been busy. I wonder how I’m going to keep up with everything and a newborn? I’m a little nervous about that, but I know it will all work out.
Nursery - Compressed
Nursery 2 - Compressed
Ultrasound 1
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Posted by Lucy256 | Comments: (1) | Permalink
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22/23 WEEKS
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Sep 01, 2012 11:45pm (EST)
I somehow missed my 22 week post, so I’ll update on both weeks. The good thing is my allergies are better…the bad news is I’m still taking Claritin daily. I guess that’s not really “bad” because my doctor said it was fine, but I just hate taking anything. It does make me feel soooo much better though. I’ll probably take it one more week or so, then call it quits.
We made it through the one year angelversary for our boys on August 27th. It was an emotional day, but we made it. I got a lot of messages from friends and family saying they were thinking of us that day, which was really nice. We went to the cemetery and left some flowers for them. Actually the hardest time of the day was in the morning around the time they were born. Alan was born at 10:58 am and Blake was born at 11:17 am. At those times, I thought back to what was happening at that moment exactly 1 year ago and it was rough. Looking back, I don’t even know how I made it through that day. I attached a picture below that I posted on facebook on their birthday. I think it's a wonderful quote and thought many of you other angel mamas out there would appreciate it.
Another milestone that we made it through was our county fair. Each day my husband and I were like, “Well, we made it through Friday night of the fair.” Then the next night, “Well, it’s Saturday of the fair and I’m still pregnant!” It was weird because so much of this pregnancy has lined up with the twins’ pregnancy. It’s nice to have finally made it past the point that the pregnancy ended last summer. Now I’ll be happy when I can say, “I made it through the 1st day of school and I’m still pregnant!” and then Halloween…and Thanksgiving…and hopefully around Christmas time she decides to join us healthy and ready to be born!
So I’ve been continuing to receive the P17 shots each week. I don’t know why, but they feel like they are getting more painful. I got one yesterday morning and then all throughout the day I felt surges of a burning/stinging feeling. Now today there’s a lump and a bruise where I got the shot. I didn’t have much pain or bruising before. Has anyone else noticed that the shots got worse as time went on? The other thing is my husband is the one administering them…and he is not a nurse or anything. So maybe it’s something he’s doing differently?
We have a good start on our nursery. We have the crib, changing table, and glider set up. Yesterday was my birthday and my sister and mom worked together to make a really cute curtain topper for the room. It looks perfect! We’re waiting on the dresser and a nightstand and then I can put my finishing touches on the wall decorations. It’s looking really cute though! I love it.
Summer is winding down and school starts on Tuesday. I’m excited to see my students, but sad that summer is almost over. They’ll be surprised when they see my big belly because they didn’t know I was pregnant at the end of the school year. I cleaned my house top to bottom today. Dusted, vacuumed, mopped, laundry, everything. So my end of summer cleaning is complete and I can start school at least feeling good about my house. Hopefully this will be a good school year. At least I get a break halfway through! That will be so nice, but I know I won’t want to go back after having my little one. Guess I’ll deal with that when it comes.
Loss of a child
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Posted by Lucy256 | Comments: (5) | Permalink
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21 WEEKS
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Aug 19, 2012 10:35am (EST)
Oh allergies! I had bad seasonal allergies before I got pregnant and so far I’ve been able to cope with the runny nose and sneezing each morning and night without needing to take anything, but now it’s worse than ever. I read on the Accuweather website that ragweed allergies are expected to be awful this year in the east from August 15, 2012 until September 15, 2012. I’m wondering if that’s what’s getting me now. I just feel sick, even though I’m not sick. I have a sometimes runny nose, sometimes stuffy nose, watery eyes, really sore throat, clogged ears, headache…but no fever or anything. I went through a whole box of tissues in 1 day yesterday, I think that’s a new record! I really don’t like taking anything while I’m pregnant and feel like I just need to tough it out. I did cave yesterday and bought some Claritin because it was on the approved medication list my doctor gave me. I’m hoping I won’t have to take it too long before this passes.
Other than that, I made it one more week. Still thanking God for each day I remain pregnant and praying for it to continue! In retrospect, as miserable as I feel right now with these allergies, I know it could be much, much worse. Next week will be one year since we lost the boys. I’m not sure what we will be doing to honor and remember them on that day, but we will do something special. I’m feeling a little weird because we’re heading into our big county fair this week. It’s a big deal around here and we usually go just about every day. Last year I started feeling “off” when we were at the fair. This year, the whole thought of being pregnant at the fair again just makes me nervous. I remember being sooo excited to go and show off my big twin belly to all of our friends/family that we would run into at the fair. We were enjoying a typical Friday night at the fair and loving it, but I went into the hospital that night and we never made it back to the fair. I sure hope this year has a different story. I can’t help but think about what we were doing last year this time and it makes me sad and miss my boys, and at the same time I’m scared that I could experience that again with this little girl.
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Posted by Lucy256 | Comments: (3) | Permalink
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