SHARE HOME > PARENT TO PARENT > DAY-TO-DAY COPING > DAY TO DAY COPING ARCHIVES

Hard time coping

mommyslilangel2/7/12 - 09:31am Mar 5, 2012 EST

February 7th 2012 me and my ex lost our lil daughter adisyn prior to birth. it has been really hard on me losen my first child, its been really hard dealing with my loss. everyday i put on a fake smile, people ask me how im doin n i tell them fine but in reality im not. behind that smile is a frown, behind my eyes are tears just waitin to roll out. im startin to break down n fall a part. each day that passes by gets harder n harder for me. i know i need to seek help n talk to someone but i cant. the only person i want to talk to and seek help from is my ex but he hasnt been here for me at all, he hasnt supported me, he hasnt comforted me, we havent grieved together, we havent done anything. me and my ex are growing further n further a part and its killing me. i dont know how to cope all of this without him by my side. i have been doin this all on my own. people tell me that i have them if i need someon to talk to or if i just want someone to cry with but its not the same. my parents, sisters, and friends keep pushing me to see a councelor or go to a support group but i feel im just not ready to. every now and then i get the feeling that it was my fault she had passed. i start thinking its because of me she is not here, my body was suppose to be the safest place and it failed my daughter. i think if maybe i just called my doctor the first sign i noticed she wasnt moving then maybe, just maybe he would still be here. i think what kind of a mother doesnt know when her child is hurt, what kind of a mother just doesnt know that there is something wrong with her child.

NathansMom13 - Mar 5, 2012 12:57 pm (#1 Total: 9)

Come to ShareUnion 2012: It's the BEST weekend ever!!!

Hi and welcome to Share. I am so very sorry for the loss of your daughter Adisyn. Please know that nothing you could have done differently would have prevented this terrible tragedy. Give yourself some time to grieve the loss of your child. If you aren't ready to go to counseling or a support group then don't, do things on your own timeline not one that someone else has given to you. There is no one way you are "supposed" to be feeling or acting right now. Not very many people understand the pain that comes along with losing a child, I hope the other mom's on here who have experienced a similar pain are able to help and comfort you during this difficult time.
Laura

liz loschinskey - Mar 5, 2012 3:11 pm (#2 Total: 9)

I love my kids!

Hello!

I'm very sorry for the loss of Adisyn. I agree with Laura, there is absolutely nothing you did wrong, you had no control, you can't blame yourself when in all reality, no one is to blame.

I lost my son and ex at the same time as well. I attempted to grieve by myself for a month or two and realized I needed help. I started to see a psychologist and psychiatrist. Yes, one doing twice a week therapy and the other prescribing medication to help me get through. After dropping down to once a week with the psychologist, I managed to get myself off the meds and no more therapy in a couple of years. As hard as that may sound, it was the best thing I could do for myself at the time. I was in a dark place, by myself. It's a scary road to travel. My normalcy wasn't normal anymore, I needed help!
It was around the time I got myself back to semi-normalcy, that I realized, I am #1. I am the most important. Not that Ex or mine, not anyone else. I've been doing for everyone else for too long an it's my turn to be my main concern.
With that being said, know that we are here day or night to talk, cry, laugh, or just stare at the screen. I didn't find share until 6 years after my son passed away and I wish, I had this back then.

Remember that we are here to help.
Love and Light,
Liz

tucker'smom - Mar 5, 2012 3:49 pm (#3 Total: 9)

Mom to Tucker (27 weeker, 05/26/06)

Hello,

Welcome to Share, I am so sorry for the loss of Adisyn.

I agree with Liz and Laura, please don't feel like your grief is on any timeline or that you are supposed to feel any certain way. It seems like the most natural person to reach out to is your ex, that is very understandable; however, we all experience grief in different ways. My husband and I were on totally different levels during my son's 9 months NICU stay, and I found unexpected support from friends and family while my husband came around.

We are all here for you,

Leigh

stacyat - Mar 5, 2012 5:44 pm (#4 Total: 9)

Mom to Emilyn and Hailey (our 20 week angels) and Elim (our 38 week, full term miracle)!

Hello and welcome to Share. I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby girl. I lost my twin girls after going into preterm labor. I had similar thoughts to you in the months after losing them, if only I had gone in at the first contraction, how did I not recognize that I was in labor, I'm a nurse! I should know these things! If only we could go back in time. The thing that has gotten me through is knowing that I just didn't know that anything was wrong, and if I did know then I would have done anything to have protected my girls. You would have done the same, if you had known that something was wrong with your sweet Adisyn then you would have done anything and everything to get her into this world safely. But in those moments, we just didn't know. Many many hugs to you, and we're here to offer you a shoulder to lean on when you need us.
Stacy

Ally_Alex_Alivia's_mom - Mar 6, 2012 3:48 pm (#5 Total: 9)

Welcome to share. So sorry to hear of your loss. I think anytime something happens to our children we want to blame ourselves, but please know that it is not your fault at all. There is nothing that you could have done to change things.
Hugs
Chris

ethan&casey's mom - Apr 14, 2012 2:20 am (#6 Total: 9)

mom to angels ethan and casey (3-7-07); daughters Kaelin Reese born happy and healthy on 3-10-09; and Kelsey Grace on 9/17/11

Hello,
I am so sorry to hear about your little Adisyn. And I'm also sorry to hear that you don't have the support system in place with your family.

If there's one thing I learned -- it's that no one will ever truly understand the hell we are living unless they've gone through it ... and of course, we wouldn't wish this on our worst enemies. Right after we lost our sons -- someone told me that i would have to find my voice and tell people what I needed ... because people aren't going to know what to do or say. He (yes, a he) was right.

I'm sure it's very difficult that you don't have the support of your ex -- but the more important thing for you now is to take care of you ... whether that's seeing a counselor (when you are ready), taking a trip, etc. It took me several months before i was ready to talk to anyone. My husband flat-out refused counseling -- and five years later, hasn't really dealt with it, I don't think. Me -- counseling was my saving grace .... as was Share.

Take your time with this. Dont' feel pressured and think your grief has to end after a certain period of time. Take as much time as you need -- and some day, you will find peace and the ability to smile again.

erin

omckenzie21 - May 9, 2012 10:17 pm (#7 Total: 9)

I am sooo sorry for you loss. I understand how you feel. It was so hard for me to talk to anyone. I didn't want to talk to my boy friend b/c I felt like he blamed me like I did. I felt like my body is what failed and what kind of person am I if I cant hold my own child for 9months. I took alot of time to get to the place where I realized it wasn't my fault just like it wasn't yours. Sometimes horrible things happen and we never know why. I know it isn't comforting but its the only way I am getting through this. I still cry when I see a baby or some thing anything makes me think of my little girls. Now I am pregnant again and soo scared I don't even want to bond with my baby b/c I am so sure that I will never meet them. It never gets easier it just becomes manageable. This is a great place to talk about it without having to go to a counselor it might be a little easier. Just type whatever you feel and cry when you want its the only way to keep going.

ElysMommy - May 12, 2012 12:03 pm (#8 Total: 9)

I can't imagine what your going through. As a mother, that's always the biggest fear during pregnancy. I'm dealing with my daughter having hirschsprungs disease. I too feel like it was my fault. Her surgeon said it happens between the 3rd and 5th week of pregnancy, and while most women don't know their pregnant at that time, I shouldn't have been drinking because we were trying to have a baby. I also used coke once during.that time and the surgeon said that's also a major cause. I feel like I'm killing my daughter. The thing that helps me right now, is when someone asks me if I'm okay, I say no. I let at least one person know how I'm feeling. Ik its hard and you feel like your not ready, but you'll never be ready till you tell that one person your true feelings. You don't necessarily need counseling, but you do need to talk about it. This is something that you'll never forget, and never truly get over, but it does get better. I also lost my nephew when my sister in law was 5 months pregnant. And Ik its not the same cause he wasn't mine, but I saw how my brother reacted and I never want to feel that way. I hope you can find the strength to talk to at least one person, cause I swear it will help. And ik everyone probably already said this, but things happen for a reason. Soon you'll be feeling better, you'll start getting back to your old self, and you'll be given a second chance at being a mother. Happy mothers day, and I hope this helps, cause it will get better soon.

Kcurvey - May 30, 2012 2:43 am (#9 Total: 9)

Hi, I am sorry for your loss. I have never carried a baby to term. I had a miscarriage at 6 weeks then another at 12 weeks. After that I was 21 weeks pregnant and thought everything was ok and my water broke. I was sent home on bedrest because i wasnt in labor. At 22 weeks I went into labor and lost my daughter. Then I was pregnant again, and I lost him also. They found out my cervix can not hold a baby. I got pregnant again in December which was a total accident. The doctor assured me that everything would be fine and he sewed my cervix shut at 12 weeks. Because I have been so scared, when i was about 20 weeks I started not feeling as close to my baby. I was just waiting on the worst to happen. Well i was almost 26 weeks and I had my baby. That was 4 days ago. He is in the NICU and doing amazing. Hes by no means out of the water but hes doing great for now. I know how hard it is to bond with the child you are pregnant with because of past situations. I thought i had advise but i guess i really dont. I will be praying for you. It is still hard on me because i blame my body for losing my babies and for my son being in the NICU when he should be safe inside me. Do the doctors know why it happened last time?. Was it your first? Not sure of your situation but Im sure it was a terrible terrible natural accident. And i will be praying for you and your baby. And im sure everything will work out. Hope i didnt hurt you or cross any lines. and im sure this didnt help but when i read what you wrote i had to write you back.

To post, please login or register.