my first child

PatriciaC - 05:36am Jun 28, 2012 EST

I gave birth to my son Taesean at 21 weeks. It all started at our 20 wk visit, the big visit when everyone finds out the sex of their baby, but instead we were finding out our baby had IUGR , 2wks behind to be exact, We were scared. We didn't know what to expect, and we left with no answers. Jus guesses and "could bes". So were told to come back in a week to talk to the genetic counselor. We were so ready to hear that he was gonna be a special needs baby or have some sort of dwarfism but the genetic counselor didn't see anything significant in our family history, so we had to decide that same day whether or not to have an amniocentesis, I didn't expect to have to make a decision so quickly, but we decided yes because we wanted to ensure our baby was born as safely as possible. So immediately we are in the room getting prepared, she has to find a site to do the amnio, and there's no heartbeat...I decided to Jus deliver him the same day, hurt and with tears still streaming down my face we walk over to L&D and I get induced and then they discover I have preeclampsia, my liver enzymes are low, my platelets are low, and my kidneys are beginning to shut down. The look on my husbands face I never wanna see again, he was so scared, but I'm numb to everything they are saying I Jus wanted my baby back. It finally came real to me that I may lose MY life when the papers for a possible C-section if I didn't deliver fast enough came along (because my blood pressure kept rising) bags of blood were bought in just incase I bled out. Then the anethesiologist didn't wanna risk an epidural so I felt everything. But my heart hurt more than anything, everything was going so fast around me, all I could think about was what happened to my baby. My pregnancy went from good to bad so fast. It hasn't been a week since it happened, but everyday it gets a little better. I am glad that God spared my life and is healing my body.Jus thinking that my angel is up in heaven serving Gods purpose makes it a little better. But its not easy not easy at all we lost our baby boy our hearts are heavy. Praying helps a lot but is there anyone with a similar story. Knowing we are not alone helps too.