The Day Sweet Adriel Became My Angel

AdrielsMommy - 12:51am Jul 28, 2012 EST

I was 21 weeks pregnant when I lost my sweet baby boy. He weighed 14.7 oz. the entire pregnancy was full of complications. At 12 weeks I started bleeding, no not spotting...full on bleeding. Like a period, I bled for 9 weeks straight up until he had to be delivered. I made 3 trips to the ER for severe lower abdominal pain that lasted up to 3 hours at a time. Each time ultrasounds were made & everything showed to be normal. My sonogram Ben showed everything to be fine. The bleeding wasn't coming from my baby, my cervix was nice & tight & my placenta was where it should be. Still no one could explain the continuous bleeding & excruciating pain. July 2nd @ 10:30 pm my water broke. I had no clue that's what it was; I was only 5 months. I thought the baby had been on my bladder and I had peed myself. So I thought nothing of it. I went to work on the 3rd anyway with the leakage continuing along with the blood & I could still feel my baby moving so still I thought nothing of it. I got off work an hour early since I had lost so much sleep the night before and rested the remainder of the day in bed. Midnight that night July 4th I was awoken by the same excruciating pains I had been getting only they werent continuous this time. This time they came and went every 15-30 minutes. I'd fall asleep until the "pain" came bck & it would wake me. I was scared & upset cuz I was losing sleep & it hurt. 5am came, 6am came, 7,8,9,10 am came and the "pains" became 7-10 minutes apart. At 11am I called a friend to pick me up & rush me to the ER. I was immediately admitted at 12:20 pm. They asked me a series of questions and ran tests. At 3:30pm I was told I was having contractions & the leakage I experienced was my water breaking. I had started pre-term labor on July 2nd. My Doc told me of I had an infection they'd have to deliver Adriel & that due to the labor he might already be...gone. Since my water broke two days ago, of course I had an infection. I delivered my sweet angel July 5th @ 5:10am. He was stillborn. I had been in labor for 3 days and had no clue. How did I not know I had been having contractions? Nobody ever believed how bad my cramps were every month when I had my periods up until now. The "contractions" I had been feeling were nothing compared to the cramps I got every month B4 I got pregnant. So pre-term labor never crossed my mind, I was in pain, but it wasn't anything I couldn't suck up and ignore. That is until 7pm when they hit they're all time high of miscarriage. I don't know how to get back from this. I live with the guilt of not having my Motherly instincts kick in & make me go to the ER the minute my water broke. I haven't talked about it, only my Doctors know some of this line of events. I don't talk about it because I'm living with anger & guilt. My Dr set aside time to talk to me about it & I avoided it. I asked what happened & the minute he said the entire practice looked everything over & still didn't find anything wrong I made the decision to stop talking. My sweet baby boy, mommy is so sorry :'(