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Incompetent Cervix
vsmith421 - 09:47pm Sep 12, 2012 EST
As long as I can remember I have always wanted to be a mother. However, in 2011 my husband and I were informed that I had PCOS and was told that because of it I would never conceive on my own. We were devastated, but ultimately decided to try a few years on our own and then deal with the stress of fertility treatments. In retrospect it was probably a good idea, between moving (husband is Air Force), my grandfather being diagnosed with Alzheimer's, and my Dad passing away, that year was rough to say in the least.
However, in May of 2012 we found out that I was pregnant (and oddly enough conceived on my birthday!) and in a strange way I felt that my Dad was sending me a gift from heaven. Of course I worried, I was a Psychology major with a focus in Infants and Children so I knew ALL of the things that could go wrong in the first trimester and felt like I was holding my breath hoping and praying that this baby would stay with us and be healthy. My first trimester was very easy as I had no morning sickness and only minor food aversions, virtually no complications. The second trimester started off great as well and at our 20 week appointment everything seemed great and we found out we were having a boy. It was the first time in the entire pregnancy that I let myself breathe, I even went and bought a few outfits. However, a few days later I noticed some discharge, but dismissed it as normal. At 20 weeks, 5 days I noticed some discharge with bright red blood, but it was late and thought that I was overreacting since there was no pain and decided to call in the morning if it persisted. It was mid afternoon before I saw more blood and my OB was closed, I had this horrible feeling and told my husband we couldn't wait we needed to go to the ER.
The ER staff got us in quickly, checked for a heartbeat (163) and said I was fine, but my OB wanted to be sure and asked them to send me up to Labor and Delivery where the midwife of the practice was on call. She told me that I was fine, but she wanted to check and that's when she told me that I was dilated and my water bag was trying to come through. I immediately burst into tears, I knew that he was too young to save and that there wasn't a whole lot that they could do. My OB showed up about 30 minutes later and said that I was 100% effaced and completely dilated, but that there was still hope. For the next four hours I slept in the Trendelenburg position, but I awoke to a sharp pain and feared that I was contracting and going into labor. My husband rushed to get the nurse and sure enough I was in labor and my water was leaking. I was in labor for about three hours before our son was born.
I have never felt so much love and heartache at one time. I was holding my precious son, who had his father's nose and mouth, he was so perfect, but on the other hand I knew I wasn't saying 'Hello', but rather 'Goodbye'. I could only hold for a few minutes before I was crying and shaking so violently that I could barely hold him. The nurses had to sedate me, but luckily my husband was strong enough that he held Silas for the two hours that he was here with us. I look back and I kick myself, I wish that I had been stronger, that I could have held and comforted my child in his dying hours, and I feel as incompetent as my cervix.
It has been almost two weeks and I still feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest--and everything seems to bring tears to my eyes. However, I have no lost my hope. Although I will never get to see Silas grow up, I have hope that he may have brothers and sisters that do. I haven't found a lot of second pregnancy stories regarding an IC, but I have talked with my OB and she is confident that a cerclage will be the solution next pregnancy. Hearing other stories has helped me, so I am hoping that maybe my story will help someone else as well.
As long as I can remember I have always wanted to be a mother. However, in 2011 my husband and I were informed that I had PCOS and was told that because of it I would never conceive on my own. We were devastated, but ultimately decided to try a few years on our own and then deal with the stress of fertility treatments. In retrospect it was probably a good idea, between moving (husband is Air Force), my grandfather being diagnosed with Alzheimer's, and my Dad passing away, that year was rough to say in the least.
However, in May of 2012 we found out that I was pregnant (and oddly enough conceived on my birthday!) and in a strange way I felt that my Dad was sending me a gift from heaven. Of course I worried, I was a Psychology major with a focus in Infants and Children so I knew ALL of the things that could go wrong in the first trimester and felt like I was holding my breath hoping and praying that this baby would stay with us and be healthy. My first trimester was very easy as I had no morning sickness and only minor food aversions, virtually no complications. The second trimester started off great as well and at our 20 week appointment everything seemed great and we found out we were having a boy. It was the first time in the entire pregnancy that I let myself breathe, I even went and bought a few outfits. However, a few days later I noticed some discharge, but dismissed it as normal. At 20 weeks, 5 days I noticed some discharge with bright red blood, but it was late and thought that I was overreacting since there was no pain and decided to call in the morning if it persisted. It was mid afternoon before I saw more blood and my OB was closed, I had this horrible feeling and told my husband we couldn't wait we needed to go to the ER.
The ER staff got us in quickly, checked for a heartbeat (163) and said I was fine, but my OB wanted to be sure and asked them to send me up to Labor and Delivery where the midwife of the practice was on call. She told me that I was fine, but she wanted to check and that's when she told me that I was dilated and my water bag was trying to come through. I immediately burst into tears, I knew that he was too young to save and that there wasn't a whole lot that they could do. My OB showed up about 30 minutes later and said that I was 100% effaced and completely dilated, but that there was still hope. For the next four hours I slept in the Trendelenburg position, but I awoke to a sharp pain and feared that I was contracting and going into labor. My husband rushed to get the nurse and sure enough I was in labor and my water was leaking. I was in labor for about three hours before our son was born.
I have never felt so much love and heartache at one time. I was holding my precious son, who had his father's nose and mouth, he was so perfect, but on the other hand I knew I wasn't saying 'Hello', but rather 'Goodbye'. I could only hold for a few minutes before I was crying and shaking so violently that I could barely hold him. The nurses had to sedate me, but luckily my husband was strong enough that he held Silas for the two hours that he was here with us. I look back and I kick myself, I wish that I had been stronger, that I could have held and comforted my child in his dying hours, and I feel as incompetent as my cervix.
It has been almost two weeks and I still feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest--and everything seems to bring tears to my eyes. However, I have no lost my hope. Although I will never get to see Silas grow up, I have hope that he may have brothers and sisters that do. I haven't found a lot of second pregnancy stories regarding an IC, but I have talked with my OB and she is confident that a cerclage will be the solution next pregnancy. Hearing other stories has helped me, so I am hoping that maybe my story will help someone else as well.
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