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BAILEY AND BREE

tinytwinsmom

May 2008

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HAPPY BELATED MOTHER'S DAY!

May 12, 2008 02:54pm (EST)

I hope all of you had a Happy Mother's Day filled with joy, happy memories, and love. Yesterday was a crazy sort of day. Barry and Ben were up early getting things ready for my big day. They were busy working on finishing some cabinets and shelves for the girls' clothes and things. Ben presented me with his homemade gifts of love: he made a bracelet and a card. The bracelet was the kind that you add a lettered cube to make a word. His said "Ben (picture of a heart) Mom." The "M's" in mom are actually upsidedown "W's", but I still think its the best bracelet ever! The card is so funny. He cut out pictures from a magazine of things I would like. There are 3 pictures: a chocolate brown luggage set, a make-up mirror, and hand cream. A Psycho-analyist would have a field day with that one, I'm sure! Any ideas what it might mean? Hmmm..... For lunch Ben made me cheese pizza "because you love it, mama, you love it! I promise you love it!"

After lunch the girls were able to meet their great grandmother for the first time. She enjoyed the visit and was astounded at how big the girls are. She has only seen pictures from the NICU, complete with skinny babies, tubes, tape, machines, and just the general sadness of it all. She raved about how beautiful they were and wanted to hold them the whole time.

Motherhood is something that I'm still trying to grasp even after 4 years. Sometimes I still can't believe that I have the awesome responsibility of being a mother. From the moment that Ben was born, in the fleeting 3 seconds that I was able to see him, it became crystal clear. I immediately understood. I was initiated into the greatest sisterhood of women on the Earth: I was a mama. Instantly I knew why my mama was my biggest fan; I understood why she made me call home after arriving at the dorms after the hour drive back to college just to say that I made it back ok; I knew why she not only attended but got involved in every sporting event, competition, or activity in which I was involved; I understood why she just HAD to embarrass me on those days; I understood that what I called "her insanity" was purely "Mama Logic"; I felt her pain remembering all the times that I cried on her shoulder broken hearted or discouraged; I knew why she supported my dreams and put herself aside to help me achieve them; and I longed to be a fair, loving, supportive mama just like her. Thanks, Mama, for preparing me for the hardest, most rewarding job I'll ever do, and you made it look so easy!

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D-DAY: 5/9/08

May 09, 2008 09:28am (EST)

Well, this is it. Today is "D-Day": it is my due date. The girls are officially "ZERO". I thought that I'd have something moving or profound to report when this day finally came, but it's really anticlimactic. Sitting here watching my girls sleep I can't help but think how beautiful they are, and how I'm luckier than most mothers--I have been able to enjoy my children for 3 months longer than them! Last night in my reveries during the 4am feed, I thought a lot about today. I realized that my due date was just a day on a calendar---an estimated time of arrival. It was a time line of sorts preparing me for the arrival of the 2 new lives who had been entrusted to my care. It was man's best guess; God, however, had other plans. I believe that my girls were due on this Earth the day they arrived, February 9. As evidence of their remarkable progress, lack of complications, and general well-being, they arrived on God's time line, not man's or medical science' s. They arrived on February 9 for a reason that I may never know or ever need to know. It simply was this day that they were "due" to begin their earthly journey. As their mother, I am merely along for the ride on this journey, serving as a guide, a protector, and a mentor. Who am I to ask questions, to doubt, to wonder "Why Me"? Yes, there was (and still is, to some degree) doubt, fear, and guilt, but every time I visited the girls in the NICU I knew they'd be just fine. I had a sense of peace and joy that I can't describe each time I held them mangled and helpless in all of those wires. I heard the whisper: "These are my children who I have entrusted unto you, and they will emerge from this situation stronger, healthier, and more beautiful than you can imagine. Learn patience, trust your faith, do not question my will, and I will deliver you in my time." Because of this, I have confidence that both of my girls are destined for great things. I know that they will weather whatever storm blows their way with courage and grace. I know that they are preemies, special care babies, who need extra attention, medical care, and support, and they will fight this fight for the rest of their lives. For today, though, none of that matters. I'm choosing to celebrate LIFE, what IS, not what SHOULD HAVE BEEN because what IS isn't so bad.

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UPDATE 5/7/08

May 07, 2008 01:57pm (EST)

I'm happy to report that today has been a pretty easy day so far. The girls have been doing a lot of sleeping, and they are taking their bottles really well. I think that I've FINALLY figured out their reflux woes, and I let them sit up in their car seats or hold them for about 30-45 minutes before they can even think of lying down. Bailey is still much better at this than Bree, but the good news is that when Bree gets "the burn" she can calm herself after a few minutes if I sit her up again. What is so amazing is that they are already outgrowing their "Newborn" clothes! These girls are packing on the pounds and are growing like weeds! Things are starting to slow down -- if that's possible, or else I'm just getting used to all of the chaos! What has helped is that the girls are eating about every 4-5 hours now, and that extra hour of peace is SO helpful! I've made the decision to kick my "help" to the curb after Thursday (because my mom is here until then). I may be crazy, but I'm ready to brave this alone. I need the privacy, sanity, and normalcy (if that's possible) of my life back....or at least I think so, but maybe I'll be singing a different song in a few days.

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UPDATE 5/6/08

May 06, 2008 07:22am (EST)

Yesterday we had yet another doctor's visit. It was time for our ROP re-check. The girls were really tired, and Bree's monitor kept going "PEEP!" because she was sleeping so soundly. (Home Health says they will fix it so that she can get into a deep sleep without it going off, but they aren't coming back until next week.) Anyway, we have more good news from the visit! Both of the girls are ROP FREE!!! It has resolved itself, and we have crossed yet another milestone and have made it successfully. We need to go back in 6 months for a "regular" visit since their daddy is blind as a bat. The doctor also wants to check for other problems with prematurity such as crossed eyes and lazy eyes. She assured me that right now there is no problem with their vision or visual development, and the visit in November will focus more on the physical development of the eye rather than the vision part. The only "negative" comment was concerning Bree. She said that her retinas were just as fair as her skin. Retinas can be fair? Who knew? I thought that a retina was just a retina, but obviously not. The doctor said that as she grows, Bree will most probably be extremely sensitive to light and need prescriptive UV sunglasses, as the worst case scenario for this condition. Again....who knew that they had this? Not me for sure. As long as they can be stylish, she'll be ok....I mean who hasn't grabbed a pair of shades from the Wal-Mart counter and struck a pose just to see how sexy you look? Admit it...we've all been there...doing that is a female rite of passage! The doctor also said that the retinas may be able to tolerate the sunlight and glare as she grows, but we just aren't sure right now. I've pretty much resigned myself that I'll be buying an expensive pair of sunglasses for her because down here in south Louisiana, the temperatures range from Hot to Boiling to Broiling. I'll happily trade blindness for an expensive pair of shades anyday!

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UPDATE 5/4/08

May 04, 2008 01:15pm (EST)

The name of the game now is consistency. Some feeds are just great, and others, well, are just the pits. Too often the girls eat well but they have trouble burping or they burp well but fall asleep on feeds. It's a vicious cycle, but I'm glad that is the worst thing that we are fighting right now...it could be SO much worse! We're finally starting to have somewhat of a daily routine, and that gives me great comfort because I'm such a routine loving person. We aren't quite to "The Schedule" point, but I'm sure that once the girls get bigger it will begin to evolve on its own because that kind of organization sort of comes naturally to me. At least I think so...with twins, who knows!

In my effort to organize my own life, I was cleaning out some of my school stuff. Teachers are pack rats by nature, and English teachers are even worse! I came across something that I kept because I thought I might "use it someday" and had one of those "Ah-ha!" moments:

It was a quote by Isak Dinesen: "All sorrows can be borne if we put them in a story or tell a story about them."

The line hit me right between the eyes: it sums up my experience here on the Share site; it explains the relief and escape I feel when I post my daily blogs. This "sisterhood" of preemie parents that I have found gives me an accepting place not only to tell my story, but to have it heard and to have my raw emotions validated by those of you who truly understand because you have been there yourselves. This community on Share not only has helped me to bear my sorrows, but to also heal and transform my sorrow into strength. Telling my story has sustained me through one of the roughest times of my life, and as a result, it has transformed me into a stronger and better wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend. In short, it has helped me cast my sorrow aside and put it into the proper perspective. After living through such an emotional event like this, we are considered lucky if we are able to return to our former selves. This sharing with a community of preemie parents has made my former self pale in comparison to my "new self": I have found a place to heal my circumstances, to encourage my emotional and spiritual growth, and to understand that all of this is part of my larger destiny. My journey of healing is not over, and I doubt it ever will be. I haven't quite figured it all out yet, and I'm not meant to do so. There is still so much to tell, so many more trials we still must face-- both together as a family and our own personal demons. Our story isn't done yet.

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UPDATE 5/2/08

May 02, 2008 01:07pm (EST)

Today we had our pediatrician check up. My little piggies are doing just great! Bailey weighed in at 7 lbs, 2 oz and Bree was 6 lbs, 14 oz. They did really well, especially when they had to take a blood test. They've more than tripled their birth weight, and they still haven't reached their due date yet. He discontinued the caffeine for Bree, and she'll be on the monitor for 2 more weeks. If there are no A's and B's, then we will finally be totally wireless! They are doing so well that we don't have to go back for 6 weeks. In that time, however, we have other doctors to see, so we'll keep busy. It's amazing to see them doing so much knowing that they shouldn't even be born yet. The doctor was amazed at their development so far and thinks that they will close the gap with their corrected age very quickly. That was really encouraging to hear. Monday we have our ROP re-check. I hope the news is just as good.

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UPDATE 5/1/08

May 01, 2008 01:37pm (EST)

It's May already? Time sure flies when you're rocking babies! Our sleep woes have subsided somewhat. I decided that we all needed some relief, so I put the girls in their car seats, and they slept for (COUNT THEM) 1-2-3-4-5 hours!!! I didn't sleep as well as I wanted because the silence was frightening, so I kept getting up to make sure that all was ok. Happily, everyone got some much needed rest. I'm still playing around with the sleeping arrangements, and I hope to find a permanent solution really soon. The Home Health Nurse visit went as well as expected. Bree is weighing in at 6 lbs, 2 oz! She thinks that the doctor will take us off of the monitor in a matter of weeks-- we'll see what he says tomorrow.

Now for what we are calling the Great Monitor Fiasco of 2008:

My MIL in her "feeble attempt" to help, decided to feed Bree without supervision. Needless to say, she is NOT versed in preemie care, and gets nervous very easily. I asked her to wait, but..... ANYWAY, she's off feeding Bree, and for some reason, stands up

. When doing this, she steps on the lead and the monitor "flatlines".

I'm in the other room with hubby and Bailey, and we all take off running to the girls' room. Meanwhile she starts yelling "HELP! HELP!" in a hysterical voice. Needless to say, I was not pleased. Bree, meanwhile, is just looking around like what happened to my food? I quickly got the wires reconnected and all was returned to "normal". Except for Lucy. She's my Springer Spaniel...poor Lucy tried to dig a hole in the brick floor under our sofa to get away from the ear-splitting noise. She was shaking like a leaf and now follows me wherever I go with bugged-out eyes. The worst part is I still haven't gotten an apology. This just may be the end of my so-called help if I can manage it. Nothing like a little chaos and thinking that your child has stopped breathing to get the old blood pumping, know what I mean? Thank God my husband was there to witness it for himself...now I can't be called the evil one!

Posted by tinytwinsmom | Comments: (5) | Permalink

SLEEPLESS IN GONZALES......

Apr 29, 2008 08:51am (EST)

The days are melting together, and I can't believe that I haven't posted an update since Saturday. I guess I've been preoccupied lately. The girls are doing really well. We've entered into the feed--sleep--cry--poop stage with full force. Most days are really, really great! On the flip side, nights have been so-so. Bree has had a couple of miserable nights, and when she settles down, you guessed it! Bailey starts. Ah, just the little joys of twins! My so-called help

is driving me crazy. Even though I appreciate all of the help, I'm starting to reach my limit. I just hope I don't snap!

Anyway, this week is a pretty slow week. We only have ONE doctor's appointment on Friday, and ONE Home Health Care visit tomorrow. I'll let you guys know how we do.

Last night, in my sleep deprived state, as I held a screaming Bree, all I could do was laugh. I kept thinking how my career as a teacher has prepared me for this journey with multiples. I've come up with the following list (if anybody can think of anything else, let me know...I'll add to it

!):

The following list is dedicated to all of the very special, talented educators (both friends and family) in my life....you all know who you are....

HOW TEACHING IS LIKE MOTHERING MULTIPLES:

1. The days of your life are broken down into hourly segments.

2. A dry erase board is necessary for posting notes to self, important dates, and reminders.

3. You have 15-20 minutes to eat whatever you can find (on a good day--less than that on a bad one.)

4. Caffeine remains the drug of choice!

5. An "Us Against Them" mentality is a MUST.

6. Did I mention addressing "Individual Differences", especially with Special Care Preemies and their feeding routines?

7. Regardless of how well you plan, something throws you a curve ball, and you're flying by the seat of your pants in spite of your best efforts to avoid it.

8. A good day is a REALLY good day. A bad day is worse than HELL!!

9. Once you finally figure out the rules, somebody changes them!

10. Controlled chaos is a GOOD THING!

11. Multi-tasking is a necessity for sanity.

12. Even though you do the same thing all day, it is different each time you do it.

13. Sometimes all you can do is cry, and sometimes all you can do is laugh.

14. Regardless of how much you prepare, plan, or "study up" you will not be prepared for what to expect until you experience it for yourself.

15. The people who give you advice on how to parent, organize, plan, and cope HAVE NO IDEA OF WHAT THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT, and they've never experienced the reality of what you do each day.

16. Even though I complain about things, I love every minute of it and wouldn't change a thing for the world!

Posted by tinytwinsmom | Comments: (5) | Permalink

M4B TODAY

Apr 26, 2008 02:50pm (EST)

Today was our March for Babies. I was a bit worried because it was really foggy and looked like it was going to rain, but just as the actual walk began, the sun came out! It was sort of poetic: The heavens were smiling on our efforts. My mom stayed at home and watched the girls, and I took Ben along for the walk. He did such an AWESOME job! Three and a half miles is a long way for a 4 year old! He was rewarded with a Chicken Mc Nugget Happy Meal for his efforts. He was also SOOOO proud to wear his "I was a Preemie" sticker. It was so cute! We had a really good turn out, and I am already making plans to improve my team's effort for next year. You can hear the hamster wheel squeeking in my brain as I'm thinking up ways to improve upon our march... I'm also jazzed to bring the girls along for next year, too!

Bailey and Bree both have been battling reflux and bouts of colic. Bree was miserable last night from the 2 am feeding to about 6am. Even though I got little sleep, I dug deeper and made it through our march in style. I'm the mom of 3 preemies...a little lack of sleep mixed with more than usual physical activity is a mere blip on the radar in my world these days! Thanks to all of you on my team who not only supported Ben, Bailey, and Bree, but also every baby who has walked in their booties! I can't thank you guys enough for your constant support of our family and the March of Dimes. Without people like you, miracles like mine would never happen!

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UPDATE 4/25/08

Apr 25, 2008 08:52pm (EST)

The prune juice worked! We had success last night, and the pediatrician said to keep giving her the juice until we see him next week. The Home Health Care Nurse visited again today, and all she could do was rave about how cute the girls were and how well they are doing. Both girls had a pretty rough day with reflux battles. Hopefully they will have a good night because our March for Babies is tomorrow, and I can use what little sleep I can get.

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