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WELCOME, GUEST |
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(1 member)
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niylnnrae @a…6 |
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CALEB'S STORY
Calebs.Mommy |
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| Category: Home | Sun | Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat | | | | | | | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 |
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OUR NEW YEARS!
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Feb 01, 2013 03:06pm (EST)
A little late but HAPPY NEW YEAR from myself and lil Caleb Nicolas and his Big Sister Clarrissa.
 Our Holidays didn't go as we had planned them to be, On Christmas day we lost my step-sister in a car accident, not to day from her home. Her name was Cassandra she was 28 years old with 2 lil boys (7 & 8 yrs old) That Christmas afternoon I got the phone call that she was in a accident but never in a million years would I get another call by my Dad telling me that she didn't make to the hospital.
Then on New Years Eve we laid her to rest that morning. Oh that was so hard for me to see my Step-Mom and Dad with their broken hearts. But I know that she is in a better place and she is always going to be looking over everyone that loved her here.
What broke my heart the most was that I never just swallowed my pride and be the BIG sister I should have been. We didn't talk to eachother in over a year, i felt that guilt and pain that day we got to the hospital. I thought to myself I should have just went and talked to her, now she will never know why I was mean to her or acting the way I was towards her. I talked to my Dad that day and aww my heart just broke cause her and my Dad were really close to eachother. He raised her since she was 5 years old. I didn't live with my Dad just see him every now and then til I got older. *But in all HONESTY it all comes down to me being jealous of her and my Dad. I am suppose to be daddy's girl I am his first born. But he didn't see it like that, that's why I say it all comes down to JEALOUSLY. I am so sorry Cassandra, I hope you can hear my heart and forgive me. I love and miss you!
Not too long after we laid my sister to rest, Caleb ends up getting hospitalized for a few days for phenomenu and RSV. Aww too see him that put pain, killed me to not take it away from him. I can't tell you how much I don't like hospitals after all the long months in the NYICU. I am so glad that it didn't last too long and today he is doing good. My lil Caleb is such a character. 
WOW! so that is our first month of the year and how it went so far for us. I lost my lil sister, Caleb being sick, oh I am not even going to touch on what Caleb's Father had told me when I tried letting him know we are going to be admitted to the Childrens Hospital. That will be the next blog.
*Here are some pictures that I wanted to share with everyone hope you enjoy. My lil Caleb is now 7 months old soon to be 8 months shortly.
OurFamily
NewYears2013
MyHospitalStay
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Posted by Calebs.Mommy | Comments: (3) | Permalink
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ANOTHER MONTH HAS REACHED US!
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Dec 16, 2012 08:22pm (EST)
Almost Christmas right around the corner, I am so excited to have my daughter home from school and also it's Caleb's first Christmas at that. We are both excited about him having his first Christmas. His big sister Rissa does love lil Caleb so much, it does make her miss him that much more cause she is in boarding school but she does come home on Holidays when it's possible.
Caleb is now an amazing 11 pounds, it seems like he is still tiny but to me 11 pounds is so much of a BIG step for us. I am so blessed to have him home with us. I still get those looks like he is so tiny, or what is wrong with him kind of stares. I would have to say those are the most annoying ones to me. Besides the talk that is being said behind our back here at home.
Okay, we are from a Resevation here in Arizona, Gila River Indian Community. It's not so big but yet not so small but just about everyone knows everyone kind of lil place. Well since Caleb was born I couldn't tell you how many rumors and how many people talked about me and my son. Given that premature birth just wasnt something that this place was used to seeing unless they were alcohol or drug babies. So when I had Caleb you know what the talk was already about him and his condition that he was in, that totally broke my heart and it still does that there are some cold hearted people that would say such things about an innocent baby. That is what I been dealing with alot lately, I found myself just hiding out in my room with Caleb, just sleeping and not wanting to come out unless needed. Wasn't until the other day when my friend came to see me I knew that I had to get out of the house. Rumors can go a long way and can also have people judge you by them. I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH I CAN TAKE OF THIS BUT I AM TAKING IT DAY BY DAY. I THOUGHT WE THRU THE WORSE PART SINCE CALEB WAS BORN BUT NOW WE GOT A WHOLE OTHER SITUATION ON OUR HANDS BUT THEN I GUESS PEOPLE WILL ALWAYS TALK RIGHT? I don't get it either why his Dad would believe and go along with is being said. Given that he has NEVER met Caleb yet but yet he already thinks of him that way. First of all my Son was never any of those at all, I was sick myself which caused the early birth. But I guess all that matters is that I know and my kids know what is really going on with me and Caleb cause it's just the three of us in this here.
I am sorry I just had to vent a little here, I been going through so much and I feel so alone. I am so glad that I have this here to let it out. It does help. Thanks everyone for reading along and all the encouring words for me and Caleb.
6months
12152012
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Posted by Calebs.Mommy | Comments: (3) | Permalink
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PREEMIE POEM...
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Nov 10, 2012 03:03am (EST)
Here is a poem or a little something I found that I really thought about and it hit my heart. I know that I was given a precious gift from God above, when he gave me my lil Caleb Nicolas.
Did you ever wonder how the mothers of premature babies are chosen?
Somehow, I visualize God hovering over Earth, selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation.
As he observes, he instructs his angels to take notes in a giant ledger.
"Beth Armstrong, son. Patron Saint, Matthew.
Marjorie Forrest, daughter.Patron Saint, Celia.
Carrie Rutledge, twins. Patron Saint ... give her Gerard. He's used to profanity."
Finally, he passes a name to an angel and smiles. "Give her a preemie."
The angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She's so happy."
"Exactly," smiles God.
"Could I give a premature baby a mother who knows no laughter? That would be cruel."
"But does she have the patience?" asks the angel.
"I don't want her to have too much patience, or she'll drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wear off, she'll handle it.
I watched her today. She has that sense of self and independence so rare and so necessary in a mother.
You see, the child I'm going to give her has a world of its own.
She has to make it live in her world, and that's not going to be easy."
"But Lord, I don't think she even believes in you."
God smiles. "No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just the right amount of selfishness."
The angel gasps, "Selfishness?! Is that a virtue?"
God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she will never survive.
Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect.
She doesn't know it yet, but she is to be envied.
She will never take for granted a spoken word.
She will never consider a step ordinary.
When her child says 'mama' for the first time, she will be witness to a miracle and know it.
I will permit her to see clearly the things I see ignorance, cruelty, prejudice and allow her to rise above them.
She will never be alone.
I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side."
"And what about her Patron Saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in the air.
God smiles. "A mirror will suffice."
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Posted by Calebs.Mommy | Comments: (2) | Permalink
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OCTOBER 2012 ANOTHER NEW MONTH <3
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Oct 03, 2012 05:13am (EST)
On September 30, 2012 was Caleb Nicolas's due date, but he was already here well 3 months early.  Aww that day was so sweet I spent it with my lil Handsome Caleb. He was fussy and didn't want to be bothered at all but I didn't give up I stayed right there with him. I know he was prolly thinking "when is my Mommy going to stop and get that I am mad" haha!
I was sitting there holding him in my arms thinking, "wow, he would be at least this big if he was born on or around his due date. yet he would be still so much smaller than my daughter was, she was 8lbs/10oz and 21in long. A BIG BABY GIRL!" Yet it seemed like he was the most with all the PAIN I mean BAD PAIN. Never would have thought this little 1 pounder would be so much trouble or could cause so much pain...OH BUT HE DID!! 
Now look my Caleb Nicolas is an AMAZING 6lbs/09oz and looking so much cuter than he did yesterday. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH HE IS MY MAN THAT I WAITED FOR ALL MY LIFE. I been with him all this past week everyday and I love that I can be there everyday with him at the hospital. I know he feels that his Mommy is there and that she is loving him more than ever. I sit there while I am holding him, I just talk to him like he is anyone else that is older and knows what I am saying. I just tell him how much he was a surprise and not only how much he has changed my life for the better. That I never knew that I can love someone so much that was not planned, but yet he took all my heart when I first seen him through the ultrasound. I knew that he was what I waited for all my life and what I was missing in my life. Now me and Clarrissa had our family complete now. MOMMY, CLARRISSA & CALEB the 3 of us is what is going to make it through the bad and good...I LOVE MY CHILDREN SO MUCH
I also tell Caleb about his dad and that he does love him its just that he is in a hard spot right now in his life. No matter what anyone tells his Dad about his Mommy or Caleb that his Dad knows we love him. But then I thought I shouldn't do that Caleb and make excuses for his Dad, cause I don't want him thinking or growing up living off my excuses for his Dad. But I don't want Caleb to see the side of his Dad that I seen before we ended our relationship because neither of them should have a relationship based on his Dad's past.
Right now I am going through a hard time with his Dad, only because he was with the female that broke the two of us up. Which is my own family member that I thought I could trust but I was wrong. She caused so much between us that it was too much for me to take so I had to walk away from the person I loved so much, I seen spending the rest of my life with. She took that from me. I am ok now, if she would just leave it at that and not make it bigger than what it needs to be.
I am dealing with the paternity with Caleb's Dad only because what he is being told now. So he is just being so ugly towards me, but yet he still wants me to go see him and send pictures of Caleb. I want to be so mean and shut him out completely and leave him with the pictures he has now of Caleb, cause of what is going on now. I am not that stable to be dealing with such issues like this. Not only that I was told by him that my cousin now telling him that she is 3 months pregnant by him. So they are going to be together and make a family together for their baby on the way.  Which I think is okay and I am happy for him, but I want him to understand where I stand with him and my son. He can be with who he wants to be with, but she is the one female that I will NEVER have my children around. She hurt my daughter by putting her hands on her once, I will NEVER let her hurt my son. He fought to be here in this world with us he doesn't need to be hurt by someone like her, or have his Dad put him 2nd in his life cause of her.
I told him as long as he is with her, I will NEVER let him near my son no matter what. I don't care what anyone says or thinks about me or how mean I am. But I am going to PROTECT my children I will be DAMN'd if I let her hurt my son in ANYKIND of way. He says that I can't do that to him if he decides to be with this female, YES I CAN!!! I AM CALEB's MOTHER, I was with him from day one of his life, I watched him fight this fight on his own. NOT ONCE HAS HE CAME TO SEE HIM but he wants me to bring Caleb to the prison where is going to be for 9 months. NOPE I AM SORRY!
UGH!!!! Last week I went to his Dad's sentecing court, I was so ANGRY that he tells the Judge that "he has a 3 month old son, a newborn still in the hospital. He has been helping with what he can since May, that his WIFE (me) was also standing beside him." OH GOD! I was like "just breathe Tamara" I wanted to jump over that bench and slam him for thinking he can use either one of us like that when he couldn't come see us for the 1st 2months of Caleb's life. Now he is going to try and use to cut his sentence down. ARE YOU CRAZY!!!! But on the other side he has this female talking bad about me and my son and letting her down talk us. WHAT IS THAT ALL ABOUT!?!
WOW!!! I had to get that all out and off my shoulders or else I was going to lose it. Can't have that happen right now when I am doing so good with my depression so far.
But I am kinda lost on how I should tell Caleb about his Dad, I don't want to be ugly about his Dad to him. What else can I do when thats how he is being towards us UGLY!!!!
Besides all that lil drama with the Baby Daddy I am having, I can't tell the world enough how much I LOVE MY PRECIOUS CALEB NICOLAS JACKSON-CARMEN!!!
caleb12234
mommy&caleb2012
ustogether
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Posted by Calebs.Mommy | Comments: (0) | Permalink
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*3 MONTHS OLD/MY BEST FRIEND*
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Sep 13, 2012 03:33am (EST)
Today my Caleb turned 3 months old, I can't believe it how time has came and went. It sure has flew by like nothing. I love my son so much I thank God for giving me this chance to raise and love this little precious angel. <3 I spent the day with him at the NYICU and I couldn't help but think about the day that he was born and what was all going on around me. I was a total mess but through it all, all I wanted to do was just to hold my son in my arms and let him know that his mommy was right here and will not leave his side. That I will fight with him also just get strong son. That was on June 12th, now 3 months later on September 12, 2012. I am sitting by his bedside looking at him as he sleeps, looking so peaceful in his little burrito wrap and little did he know that I was going to unwrap him and just swoop him in my arms. I can't explain how much joy and happiness I have in my heart right now. This is a big step for us cause not to long ago I remember the Doctor telling me that he might not make it. Just that I have to be prepared for the worse. That is the worse thing that any parent would ever hear about their child. My heart broke at that moment, I was so scared and lost I would give my own life up for him if I could. Now here we are in September, 2 weeks away from his actual due date and my Caleb is now 5lbs/03oz. My handsome little man, has for sure put is all into this battle of growing and getting stronger. I am so proud of my son and all the fight that he has in him. I know that he gets that from his Mommy. Doesn't plan on giving up anytime soon...WE ARE CHEERING YOU ON CALEB NICOLAS!!!
Also on September 15th will be one year that my best friend Nick (Nicolas Montiel) has passed away in a car accident only 1 mile away from home. That was the worse thing that I had to ever go through last year was when I lost my best friend that early morning. It took me a long time to just face the fact that my best friend was gone and will no longer be here with me. He was everything to me, he would just be there at the right moment. He made me see the world in a different view and also see people in a different way. He gave me light when all I wanted to see was darkness cause of what I been through in my life. He changed that for me. My best friend, there is never going to be anyone like him again in my life. I love and miss him so much. The day that I found out that I was pregnant I knew I was having a boy and what I wanted to name him CALEB NICOLAS after my best friend. He will carry Nick's name proud. I will always tell him who he was named after and what an impact he has had on in my life. Now one year is almost here and I feel my heart breaking all over again. I LOVE YOU NICK MISS YOU EVERYDAY! I wish he was here to see my son and watch him grow up. But I know he is watching over him now. <3
myCaleb
CalebNicolas
Nick&Me
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Posted by Calebs.Mommy | Comments: (2) | Permalink
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