March of Dimes

SHARE HOME > SHARE YOUR STORY > ALL SHORT STORIES > BLOGS

CHARLOTTE'S STORY

partridgeberry

May 2008

Category: Home

Sun

Mon

Tue

Wed

Thu

Fri

Sat

A LITTLE PIECE OF ME

May 15, 2008 05:39am (EST)

Yesterday morning when I woke up, I felt the urge to cook something.

Cooking has always been a hobby of mine, but I haven't had any desire to make as much as a sandwich since Charlotte's death. I was relieved to have a familiar feeling back, it made me feel a little more like me. I got out the cookbooks, made a grocery list and went shopping, and made a nice dinner last night for Mike and his dad. That was my little accomplishment for yesterday. It was the first time I've seen any resemblance to my old self.

Tomorrow is 6 weeks since Charlotte's birth and death, and 6 weeks post-op for me. All the doctors said my blood pressure should be back to normal after 6 weeks, that the pregnancy should be out of my system by then. Well, it's not. It's quite stable now but I'm still on a number of medications. There was some debate between the doctors of whether I had pre-existing high blood pressure before I got pregnant. There's no record of it, the few pre-pregnancy readings I did have were normal (although towards high-normal), as were my early pregnancy readings. I've been following my blood pressure so closely in the last months that I know it's possible they were "lucky" readings. Maybe I did have high blood pressure and didn't know it. I hope not. That's going to make future pregnancies all the more dangerous. Anyway, I'm going to do everything I can to get things back to normal; exercise and diet can go a long way. Hopefully things will settle down soon. Time will tell.

I find myself wishing time away. I am anxious to pass the 6 week, 2 month, 6 months anniversary of Charlotte's birth. I hear over and over again that time makes this easier, and I guess that's why. I'm dreading summer, I'm dreading holidays and Christmas, and everything that goes with that. I've never been like this. I'm the type of person that refuses to sleep in on Saturdays because it makes the weekend feel shorter. I usually cherish my time, but right now I'm checking days off on the calendar like I'm waiting for something. Except, I'm not. I guess I'm waiting for normalcy. Every day, even half day that I conquer right now brings a little sense of relief. "Ok, never have to do this day again." It doesn't feel like a very productive way to live, but it's the best I've got right now.

Little Charlotte, we love you so much. We miss you.

Heather

Posted by partridgeberry | Comments: (3) | Permalink

STILL TREADING...

May 13, 2008 06:20am (EST)

We went back to see the psychologist yesterday. It was good. We're getting to know her better now which makes it easier to talk. She gave us a list of typical stages of grief. According to this list I'm pretty normal, which is comforting. I did find it discouraging that the last stage of grief is typically at 18-24 months. I cannot live like this for the next 2 years. I will lose my mind. I know that it's different for everyone, but I hated seeing that on paper. We're seeing her again next week. I'm really glad for that.

She suggested that Mike take some more time off work if possible. He's under a lot of stress at work and that combined with Charlotte makes things really difficult for him right now, and for us. He only recently started with this new company and he's already taken some time off so we'll see if it's possible. I hope it is; he needs it.

I hate Facebook. I'm going to have to stop going on it. In the past week, there have been three babies born in my friend list, of course complete with pictures and congratulations messages etc. I'm happy for these people but so sad for us. There's no justice to which babies make it and which don't. These babies are huge! 9-10 pounds! All I can think is that I wish Charlotte had even a couple of those pounds; it would have given her a chance.

I wonder constantly what she would have been like. Not big things either. I wonder what foods she would have liked, what extra-curricular activity would have been her "thing", what size her feet would be. I wonder what sweet things she would have said that only kids can say, I wonder what color her hair would have been. I hate that I'll never know the answers to these questions.

Our really good friends are nearing their due date. Mike said last night, "You know, it's going to be even harder if they have a girl." He's right. I'd thought about that too. For a long time there were only little boys in our aquaintance. Our family was hoping either my sister or I would have a girl just so we would have an excuse to buy something pink. I was longing for a baby girl because I've always wanted to have that mother-daughter relationship. Well, we got her, but she was taken from us. Now there are girls everywhere, and it makes it even harder for us.

I went to my family doctor this morning. After getting emotional and telling him what's going on with our grieving, he said that he hopes we get some good news soon, to have something positive to focus on. I hope so too. Life is giving us quite the ride right now. I had no idea how immensely difficult and life-altering this journey would be.

We love you Charlotte! Big hugs!

Heather

Posted by partridgeberry | Comments: (3) | Permalink

FEELING LOST

May 11, 2008 11:46am (EST)

As long as I can remember, I've always had a big "project".

Whether it was school, building a house, moving, or our wedding, I have always had a focus for my energy. I think that's part of the reason I'm feeling so lost now with Charlotte gone. My pregnancy was all-encompassing, and the anticipation of being a mom was my greatest "project". Now that's all gone. I honestly don't know what to do with myself. I have no interest in things I normally would, I have nothing to look forward to. I was so hoping for a career change that would give me new focus, but that doesn't seem to be in the cards right now. The thought of going back to my old job, which I really dislike, is actually nauseating.

We haven't had our post-op appointments yet with the OB and MFM. I'm not sure, but I anticipate them recommending quite a break between Charlotte's birth and our next pregnancy. I'm dreading that. Not that I would choose an immediate pregnancy or anything, but I just feel right now that I'm completely treading water. I feel like we've been taken to the top of a mountain and shown the world and told "that's what you can't have". It's amazing how you can instantly fall in love with a little tiny being, how she can instantly become the center of our lives. We were so close to our "happy little family" with Charlotte, yet so very very far. And now I'm sitting here with no idea of what to do with myself for the next year or two until it's safe to try for another baby. In a way having another baby doesn't even appeal to me, because if it does go well it will just make me sadder for what we missed with Charlotte.

I did have a good day yesterday. I went out with some girlfriends for brunch, which was fun, and then Mike and I went for a nice walk and to a butterfly exhibit. I had some good hours. It was fun, but in a way I feel like in order to manage in public, I just become very numb. I smile at other babies, pregnant moms, go through the motions, and to be honest I don't even know how I feel about any of it. I can distract myself for a few hours but as soon as I have time to catch up with my thoughts, it's all upsetting all over again.

Tomorrow Mike and I are going back to see the psychologist. I'm sure it will be helpful. We have such a long road ahead. Huge thanks to all of you on Share for your encouraging comments and "hugs". It means so much to me to hear your kind words.

Oh, sweet little baby, we miss you so much. Love you Charlotte!

Heather

Posted by partridgeberry | Comments: (5) | Permalink

AND THINGS GET WORSE....

May 08, 2008 07:01pm (EST)

Well, I didn't get the job. I got a one-line email today wishing me luck in future endeavours. Thanks.

I'm taking it pretty hard. It was hard for me to even get the application together after Charlotte, and harder still to pull myself together for a job interview. I was so hoping I'd get it, to give me something to at least look forward to. Oh well; life's not being too fair lately.

And with mother's day around the corner, and everything feeling so raw, I'm not in a very good place right now. I feel very alone. Family and friends are really running out of energy to deal with me, I think. Even my husband is losing his patience with me. No one ever knew what to say, but as time goes on and I actually feel worse, I think they know even less. I don't blame them, I don't know what to tell myself either. I'm not looking for magic words to make everything better. I just want to feel somewhat like myself. This blog, and reading others' stories, is definitely my biggest sense of comfort lately.

Charlotte's death has taken my heart out. Now it feels like life is rubbing salt in the wound. Not only is my baby gone, but my career is in shambles, my friends and family are distancing themselves, and I'm sitting here with 30 lbs of pregnancy weight to lose that's not budging. It's like a cruel joke. It's always been somewhat of a family joke that I have really good luck; things always have worked out for me. I've always worked really hard, but it always paid off. Well, it looks like my luck has run out!

I still have the university job to hear from... it's just a one-semester sabbatical replacement and doesn't start until January, so even if I get the position I have a lot of time to cover. I sort of applied on a whim; I never expected to get it. Anyway, we'll see.

Hmm.... I think I'll go to bed now.

Love you Charlotte! We miss you sooooo much!

Heather

Posted by partridgeberry | Comments: (3) | Permalink

STILL WAITING.....

May 06, 2008 02:04pm (EST)

I've been occupied lately which is probably a good thing. I think about Charlotte nearly every second, but I've been forced to do other things, and as hard as it is, I have to admit it helps.

I'm still waiting to hear back from my job interview last week.... I thought for sure I would have heard by now. I called today to follow up but he was out of his office. I sent an email instead, and of course I am still waiting. I hope I hear soon.

I had another interview today, for the university job that I applied on when I was still pregnant. It was more of audition than an interview actually, and I was extremely nervous about it, but it went ok. I have no idea where I stand on this one. I'm not sure if I'm even going to take it if I get it, but I need to keep my options open.

Right now my life doesn't feel like mine at all. Everything was so carefully planned regarding bringing Charlotte into our family. Now that she's not here, we have to rethink everything. I have to go back to work, and right now I don't know where I'm going. I was so ready to be a mom and begin that chapter of my life. That's now on hold, but I'm not sure if I have the ambition to throw myself into my career in the meantime. Our friends are beginning to distance themselves from us, or maybe we're distancing ourselves, which I hate. I guess we don't qualify for Saturday morning trips to Babies R Us and then out for brunch anymore. Our whole circle is very much in "baby land", and I can't participate anymore. I don't have the strength to "Fake it" just yet. I don't know that I ever will.

I still can't believe she's gone. I pray every night that I'll wake up from this like it's some long crazy dream. My life is now divided into two eras: Before Charlotte and After Charlotte.

We miss her so much. As the days go by I find myself panicking that the memories are growing fuzzier and I feel farther from her. I talk to her all the time, I've written every detail of her birth down so I don't forget. It's all I have.

I hope she wasn't scared. I remember feeling her kick as the epidural kicked in before surgery; she didn't know what was coming. I hope she wasn't in pain for the time she lived. I hope she knows how much we love her.

I would have been 29 weeks this week.... still so early. Gosh, pregnancies are so long. I can't imagine making it all the way to 40 weeks. I can't imagine the happiness of bringing a baby home. It must be surreal.

We love you baby girl!

Heather

Posted by partridgeberry | Comments: (3) | Permalink

ONE MONTH ANNIVERSARY

May 04, 2008 03:54pm (EST)

Well, today is the one month anniversary of the best and worst day of my life. In some ways it feels like yesterday, and others, it feels like a year ago.

I slept in this morning, trying to eat up some hours before I even got up. Mike and I went out for breakfast. We didn't enjoy it very much, we both knew we were "out" just to get "out"; neither one of us was really in the mood to do much today. Mike killed the rest of the afternoon outside marking pegs for the fence he wants to build, I stayed in and tried to concentrate on prepping for my Tuesday interview.

My friend's baby shower was this afternoon, as I've written about before. At about 5:00 I got a call that it was almost over, and was now safe for me to stop by if I still wanted to. I went over. Only our close friends and their parents were there. It was still pretty hard. The baby decorations were everywhere. People kept pointing out things to me- the cake made out of diapers, the party favors, stuff like that. I don't think they treated me any differently than a normal guest. I'm not sure if that was good or bad. I asked to see her gifts (I think I'm a sucker for punishment sometimes), and I did find it hard when someone said "When she opened that I thought instantly of you!" It was a book of lullabies (I'm a musician). I flipped through it because I didn't know what else to do when they passed it to me. I went along with her when she wanted to show me her nursery. It's very pretty. The room made me sad because we had spent a lot of time planning our rooms together.

I'm glad I went, I guess. I didn't have a breakdown, I got through it fine. I don't want to distance myself from our friends. I hope I manage ok when the baby is born. That will be much, much harder than today.

I just had a lovely online chat with a cousin of mine that I don't know well. She was telling me how often she thinks of me, how hard it must be to be me right now. She was very comforting. She talked about my sister's baby, and my friend's, and how that must be really hard too. Yup, it is. I thanked her for saying that, instead of pretending everything is fine. I haven't had a face-to-face conversation with her in years and years, but she really helped me out today. Sometimes I think I try to convince myself that everything isn't really a big deal, and having someone look at it objectively and say that it IS a big deal, is comforting.

Happy one-month birthday Charlotte! We love you!

Heather

Posted by partridgeberry | Comments: (2) | Permalink

I THOUGHT THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO GET BETTER?

May 03, 2008 09:37am (EST)

As the days go by, I find myself, if anything, feeling more lost. I expected things to get better day by day, but that doesn't seem to be the case. It's pretty hard. It's so hard to keep busy. Friends are now wrapped back up in their own lives, the cards stopped coming in the mail, we're on our own again. We're seeing the psychologist but only every couple of weeks. Even my never-ending doctors appointments are growing further apart.

I'm still waiting to hear about my job interview, which is driving me crazy. I have another interview on Tuesday for a job I applied on even before I went in the hospital.... I'm not even sure if I'm going to bother going. The job is only part time which would have been perfect with a little baby, but not enough to sustain us without maternity leave supplements. I accepted the interview, but we'll see. Maybe I'll be lucky and hear from the other job before then. I still have my old job to go back to, but I was really overqualified and it was awful working conditions, so I'd rather not do that unless I have no other choice.

I talked to my friends about the shower tomorrow. I decided that I'm not going to the shower, but will drop by afterwards to say hi and drop off the gift. I think that's the best choice for me. They seemed to understand.

We miss Charlotte so much. I'm driving myself crazy thinking of "what ifs". I know, logically, that what happened wasn't my fault, but I can't help but wonder if I could have done anything to even delay it a week or two, to have at least given her a shot. I'll probably always be wondering that.

I feel like I've aged 10 years in the last month.

We love you baby Charlotte!

Heather

Posted by partridgeberry | Comments: (4) | Permalink

EXTRA SAD TODAY

May 01, 2008 11:58am (EST)

I'm extra sad today.

This happens some days. My husband called earlier from work to tell me he had stopped by the cemetery to talk to the administration about the type of monument we're allowed to place for Charlotte (she's buried at the feet of Mike's grandfather so she doesn't really have her own plot). Talking about her monument made me very sad. I feel kind of restless otherwise. I've been watching old episodes of ER on DVD to keep my mind occupied all day. I'm waiting to hear back from my job interview so I'm being pretty impatient anyway.

I kind of feel like we've been teased. We went through six months of a challenging pregnancy, two weeks in the hospital and the C-section, all to have our precious baby for a couple of hours and then have her gone. It's like we've been shone all the wonder and excitement just to lose it right away. It makes me so sad.

We have so many friends nearing the end of their pregnancies. I'm happy for them, but I dread the day they actually have their babies. I don't know how I'm going to handle that. One of them has her shower on Sunday. I'm invited. I don't think I'm going; it'll be a month to the day that we lost Charlotte and a baby shower probably wouldn't be the best way for me to handle that day. When I told my friends I probably wouldn't be going, they all seemed surprised, and said as the day got closer I might change my mind. I don't think so. I can't imagine sitting there and oohing and aahing over baby presents and playing games. We were very much pregnant "together"; her baby is actually due a month before Charlotte.

This is so hard.

Posted by partridgeberry | Comments: (3) | Permalink

UPS AND DOWNS

Apr 30, 2008 09:42am (EST)

Well, I had my job interview this morning. I had done my homework, pulled every string I could think of, and I'm happy with how it went. It was somewhat casual and conversational which was nice. They had all heard about Charlotte (small town), and one of the board members shared how he had lost a baby too. Anyway, we'll see what happens. I'd love to get it and I think I have a good chance, but I don't want to get my hopes up! It would be so good to have something new to focus on. The position starts in June which would be great timing, giving me another month to get back on my feet.

Yesterday Mike and I had an appointment with the psychologist. It was weird going back to the hospital again. It almost feels like home in a very odd way. As busy and chaotic as the building is, I can almost sense peace there.

The appointment was good, we discussed how our relationships with each other as well as family and friends have changed; how some people have shone as support while others have disappeared in the distance. It was good to talk about it with someone objective. I think we're handling our grief as well as most. We're managing somehow. There are still times that I feel like I'm going to be ripped in two and can't breathe. Other times, I'm kind of ok with things. And there's lots of time that's still in the middle.

There's a new commercial (well, new to me anyway) for Johnson's baby wash I think. It shows babies and moms together: a baby gazing up at it's mom, a mom rubbing noses with her baby, that sort of thing. I've seen it twice. It kills me. Yesterday it came on and I panicked and began racing around for the remote to turn it off. It ends with the caption "When a child is born so is a mother". That just broke my heart. It set me off for hours. I was telling the psychologist about the commercial yesterday and I couldn't tell her about the caption. It hurt too much to even think about it. Right now it seems there is "mother" stuff everywhere with Mother's day around the corner. Where does that leave us mommies without our babies? Oh, it just breaks my heart.

Heather

Posted by partridgeberry | Comments: (1) | Permalink

BACK TO THE "REAL WORLD"

Apr 28, 2008 09:45pm (EST)

After Charlotte's funeral, things changed quickly.

My husband went back to work, out-of-town family went home, and I was now home by myself in the daytime. For a few days I really struggled with what to do with myself all day. Days go by where I don't turn on the TV; I read everything I could find online about HELLP syndrome and IUGR, premature babies and stages of grief. I found this site, which has been so helpful. Sometimes I play the piano for a little while. I get frequent phone calls from friends and family to break up the day. Slowly I'm carving myself a new routine.

My husband, when he is home, keeps himself very busy. He installed a new bathroom in our basement and drywalled the laundry room. He's drafting plans for a new fence he plans to start in a couple of weeks. It's funny the differences in how we grieve. He admits he keeps himself busy on purpose. I'm the opposite. I can't focus on anything long enough to keep busy.

The day I was released from hospital a job was advertised in our local paper. My mom brought it cautiously to my attention. It was a job I actually interviewed for a year ago, and I didn't get it. I was sooooo disappointed at the time. Well, something must have not worked out with the candidate that was hired because it was re-advertised again. It felt so soon to be thinking about jobs but I figured I should take the opportunities as they come. Anyway, I have an interview on Wednesday. I'm not really excited about it; I think that's my way of protecting myself if I don't get it again. I can't handle much disappointment right now!

I emailed some friends to tell them I had gotten the interview, and one emailed back that she was really excited for me, and "see, everything happens for a reason". It completely took me aback. If Charlotte had to die so I could get this job than I don't want it. I'm sure she didn't mean it like that but the comment made me so sad. I told my husband that if I do get the job (and I hope I do), I hope no one says that to me. As much as I'm looking for purpose in Charlotte's little life, things like a new job don't qualify in my mind as a good "reason".

I think I'm reading too much into everything nowadays. Yesterday I made a comment to my mom how it had been two weeks since I got out of hospital. Her response was that it was "three weeks since you got sick". Hmm. Not three weeks since Charlotte was born/died, but three weeks since I got sick. My illness has been the least of my concerns through all this. I found that comment odd, like she was minimizing Charlotte again (I have yet to hear her say her name or refer to her in any way). Later I realized that as much as I think that day is all about Charlotte, my mom sees it as all about me. I guess I'm her baby, and that's how she looks at it. That said, it still hurts my feelings that she never mentions Charlotte.

Tomorrow my husband and I have an appointment with a bereavement psychologist that met with us when I was in hospital. She specializes in families that have lost babies, have fertility problems, etc. I'm looking forward to it. I'll take whatever help I can get! I'll write about it tomorrow night.

Thanks for reading; everyone I've "met" so far on Share is so supportive and comforting.

Heather

Posted by partridgeberry | Comments: (3) | Permalink

Archives