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WELCOME, GUEST |
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(3 members)
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AkeelahsMomm…6 |
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mymiracleLUK…6 |
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BocaChe816 |
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CHRISTOPHER SANTOS
Maria Guzman |
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| Category: Home | Sun | Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat | | | | | | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 |
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PPD, ITS ALMOST OVER
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Jul 31, 2008 01:55pm (EST)
It seems as though sometimes my PPD affects me in ways that I have no control over. I thought I was getting better but now I see that I've had yet another setback. My parents are now living with us since a month ago and from the start every little thing would bother me. I know I have weird ways sometimes but when you have lived by yourself for three years I would think its understandable. Two days ago, my parents and I argued like we have never done before. I could not cotrol my emotions and told them all the frustration and anger that I've been holding in for so long. Since I lost my first baby I have not been able to control my feelings. Most of the time I would feel depressed, sad, confused, and sometimes I did not even know what to name my feelings. I have dealt with all of these emotions for so long that sometimes I think its getting the best of me. Even though sometimes I sit and think about my emotional state I know that none of it has affected me as a mother. I have always had the time and given my upmost effort in raising my son and taking care of him.
Today after almost three years of dealing with PPD I came foward and let my mother know exactly what was happening to me. Her and I have never really had a close relationship like I would want us too so it was always hard for me to sit and talk to her. My husband is the only person that knows me, I would even say he knows me way more than my parents. He is the only one who has supported me and talked to me when my PPD would get in the way of my happiness. He is also the one who would give me comfort and a shoulder to lean on. Today as I expressed my feelings to my mother she was suprised at how much pain I have kept inside. She, herself has lost 6 babies and she said that she thinks of them occasionally and that she gets sad but that she does not let the past affect her present. I let her know how I wish I could be strong like her but that I'm not and we all have different ways of thinking and dealing with things that affect us even more than others. I did let her know that its getting better. How sometimes even a year ago, I would cry myself to sleep everytime. How simple things like doing the dishes would lead me into my past and the tears began to roll as well. I told her how I don't want to live like this anymore and that maybe if I had had the comfort of telling her what was really happening inside of me that maybe with her help it would've gotten better by now. And her response was that she would never leave me. They planned on moving out but she said they would stay and help me feel and get better. I told her is was never too late to help me and that maybe deep inside thats what I want somebody else to be there for me when my husband is not. I want to get better and so far I'm getting there. Its just that sometimes I have no patience and want things to just happen. But I have learned that the process of healing sometimes is just a little bit longer for some and I am willing to wait the time needed to enjoy my life with my family alot better.
Maria
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Posted by Maria Guzman | Comments: (4) | Permalink
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CHRIS' 2ND BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION
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Jul 27, 2008 04:48pm (EST)
Yesterday we celebrated our son's 2nd birthday. It was so much fun. Unfortunately, the pictures did not come out clearly. But my aunt also took pictures so I will try to get from her to post. We also recorded. Chris had so much fun and we decorated inside and outside with the theme Spongebob. He enjoyed his Spongebob Moonwalk, the games, the pinatas, and the cutting of his cake. I can't believe that he is two already. We feel so blessed to have him as our son and be able to celebrate one more year of life with him. We had about 45 people show up. They were mostly family member and they have all been very close to him. All the kids also enjoyed the moonwalk and kept asking is Chris was going to have one next year as well. I told them that as long as he behaved he would. And some of them said they couldn't wait. LOL. After a little while we all went outside to brake the pinatas. Chris, the same as last year did not want too. But after watching the kids hitting it with the stick he approached me and grab the stick and started hitting it himself. It was so cute. We also played games with the kids and they had a blast. After all of that, we went back inside the house to cut the cake. We placed it on a small table in the middle of the living room and all the guests sat around. Then, I played the traditional spanish birthday song, after it finished we sang Happy Birthday to him. We kept looking at the candle in the funniest way. I'm pretty sure he knew by then that that celebration was his and he was the center of attention. The party concluded at 11:30pm. I'm so glad everything came out good and that Chris as well as the other kids had so much fun. It feels so good to celebrate another birthday of our son.
Last year the theme was Winnie the Pooh and this year was Spongebob. So, we'll see which character he likes next year. We were watching the movie we recorded last night with him a while ago and he kept laughing and pointing at the screen whenever he came up. It was so darn cute.
Maria
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Posted by Maria Guzman | Comments: (6) | Permalink
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UPDATE ON CHRIS' DEVELOPMENT
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Jul 17, 2008 09:24pm (EST)
I had a long, stressful, not so good day today. But I will blog about my son's development first. As you all know, Chris was born at 38.4 weeks gestation, weighting 8lbs. 6oz., and a big boy. But since he was born he has gone through so many doctors hands its crazy. He has chronic lung issues, asthma, bronchitis, and has been on and off of medication practically since a newborn. He was about to receive therapy to start walking when he turned 9 months because he was not even crawling yet. But he started crawling a few days before his first visit. Then at 15 months of age, he started walking. We were so happy that he could now move around on his own. Now at almost two years old our main concern is his speech. I blogged a couple weeks ago about him saying some words but that is no longer the case. He used to say papa since he was about 10 months old and now won't even say that. Not one single word. No mama no papa. Its starting to worry me. I know that every child is different but when you hear other parents brag about their child and they and you know that yours hasn't quite been healthy but has been the happiest little boy they can be and you have taken the best care for them possible. It doesn't matter. Chris is our second son but the first we are raising so we don't know yet what exactly he should be doing at his age so we have to learn along the way.
I got a call today from his pediatrician's office and they asked me if he pronounced any words yet and I told them no. They then told me that he could possibly have a hearing problem. But I don't think so. I could call his name from the other side of the house and he hears me fine even with the door shut. But they told me that he will be seeing an ENT and that if thats the case he would need tubes in his ears. I did my externship at an ENT and know thats no big deal but I don't want my son at anymore hospitals and defenitely not put to sleep. I do remember that he has had numerous ear infections and read that this could cause problems with the pressure in the ears causing hearing to be difficult. Hubby and I had a talk and we also think that putting him in a setting with other kids around would maybe help him. It has been proved that kids tend to learn how to talk when they have other kids around them. So, I will keep checking out daycares and choose one and maybe our little boy will soon be going to school. I think its a good idea to try this first and we'll see the outcome.
Maria
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Posted by Maria Guzman | Comments: (4) | Permalink
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UNDECIDED
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Jul 15, 2008 08:03pm (EST)
Hey everyone,
Thank you all so much for all of your support. Share is a second family to me and I could not do without you guys. All of Christopher's birthday party plans are on schedule and everyone around us is so excited to join us in the celebration of his 2nd birthday party. I can't wait!
Today I had another of many interviews planned. I made it right on time and my first impression of the place was not so good. But I decided to go in and take a look around and of course take a chance as I've always done. My frustrations have been countless that I had stopped looking for a job and decided to stay at home instead. But then my gut kept telling me that I needed to work and I also reminded myself of my plans for my future. So, in I went and was interviewed by the doctor. She seems nice. Then she had to go and asked me if I could stay a couple of hours so the other lady that works there could show me around and let me know how things work around there. I thought that was a good sign so I called my mom and let her know I was staying a little longer. My sister had a doctor's appointment and she told me that she would take Chris along with her. I felt weird about the whole idea because I know my son and he is very inpatient. I checked my phone a couple of hours later and had about five missed calls from my mom. I called her back and she told me that Chris was misbehaving terribly and if I was on my way back. My motherly instinct kicked in. I left the place without the doctor coming back and left her a message that I would be back tomorrow as we had planned to further discuss the position. I got in my car and headed towards the clinic my mother was at and picked up Chris.
On my way there, I had all sorts of emotions. I sometimes feel as though I am the only one that can take care of my son. I sometimes feel as though nobody would could handle. I sometimes feel that whoever is taking care of him will mistreat him when they have had enough. All those times I know though that one day it will happen. I also think that I didn't go through all hard work, stress, and stayed up long hours studying to graduate with High Honors for nothing. I want to make my parents proud, my son, and all the people around me. I know that Chris is at the age where he throws tantrums for no reason. But I want to learn how to control them and make him happy. I know that for now that will take some time but I must admit that maybe that has been the reason for which I go to interviews and once I step thorugh that door my mind is still at home with my son. Not that thats a bad thing but then again he's the reason I went back to school and he will also be my motivation for me getting up for work. But for now, I'm still undecided of what to do.
Maria
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Posted by Maria Guzman | Comments: (3) | Permalink
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MY PPD IS GETTING BETTER
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Jul 12, 2008 10:25pm (EST)
It seems as though I have been feeling so much better from my PPD lately. It has been a while since I've cried and I can now say that I can look at my angel's pictures without crying. I feel in a way so proud of myself. I have been very busy lately now that my parents have moved in that I have not really had a time to sit and think of my emotions but I did tonight and came to the conclusion that emotionally I am now stable. In a couple of months it will be three years since we lost Luis and I hope and pray that that day I will have the courage to go to the cementary and sit and talk to my son. We have not been back there in so long and I think that would be my biggest step in healing. Although, sincerely its the one that scares me most. I feel sometimes as though going will do nothing but reopen my wounds and my sadness I have kept hidden for so long from others except my husband. But I have always had lots of faith that I will oneday be completely heal and that I will be able to talk about my son and not cry.
The other day I was in the house with Chris only just the two of us and in the middle of nowhere I called him by Luis' name. At the exact moment I realized what I had done and Chris answered as though I had called his name. It broke my heart into pieces with guilt and I also felt confused. I was not thinking about Luis at that exact moment and could not even explain to myself why I had done that. It brough back memories of when I was being discharged from the hospital after having Chris and we were getting ready to leave the room. I in a loud voice said, "its time to go home Luis" and my husband was right there next to me. I broke down in tears and apologized to Chris. Sometimes I feel as though some words that we pronounce are signs that those who have left us are never forgotten and never truly leave us at all. Each day that passes I look at Chris and always let him know how much we love him. He reminds me so much of his brother. They look so alike. But as my PPD gets better I have come to understand that even though I love both os my sons equally, they have both taught me different things and all of it is sorrounded with love.
I can now say that I am getting better. I will soon look back and remember how much I love my son and that love will give me more strenght to move on.
Maria
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Posted by Maria Guzman | Comments: (2) | Permalink
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1ST DENTIST APPOINTMENT
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Jul 03, 2008 01:46pm (EST)
Today was Chris' first dentist appointment. I have no idea why but I was so excited for him. It was at 10am and Chris woke up very happy like every morning. We got ready and headed out at 9am. The place I chose was very nice. I looked at several online and chose the one that I felt more comfortable with and also one close to home. The pictures they had on the website seemed very nice and the place was very kid friendly. We arrived and I already had printed out and completed all the paper work. I told hubby it was going to be hard to do that in the waiting room with a wild 23 month old running around. And that exactly what he did. He had a good time though. They had video games, movies, and lots of books so he was very entertained. As I sat there in the waiting room, I remembered when my mom used to take me to the dentist, how scared I was and how I would sometimes come out crying. Now that I'm a mother it my turn and the feeling felt weird and great. As we waited for his name to be called about 3 kids came out alone from the back office. I then realized that parents are not allowed back. Thinking about that made me nervous. I did notice that the kids came out happy and smiling so I just hoped that that would be the case with Chris.
It Wasn't.
When his name was called it was as though he knew it was the dentist office. He started getting scared and wanted me to carry him. I walked him in to the back while the nurse asked questions and showed me around the office he just stared at me with sad eyes. They were just going to count his teeth and make sure he was on track with his teeth development. I was asked to wait in the waiting room and I felt weird leaving my son there in the back. It was the first time I had to do that but I survived. They brought him out about 30 minutes later and he had tears running down his face. They let me know that he was on track and that he would have a clean-up in 6 months. He also got a toothbrush, a sticker, and a ball. But none of that even matered to him. All he wanted was mommy. When we walked out his immediately started laughing and I was also glad that it was over.
Maria
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Posted by Maria Guzman | Comments: (5) | Permalink
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