March of Dimes

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JACKIE'S JOURNAL

Jackie W

March 2010

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SETTING MYSELF UP FOR HEARTBREAK????

Mar 08, 2010 10:30am (EST)

So my husband and I have decided that Feb was the month we would start trying again. Its been 3 months since we lost our son and with the green light from the doctor, we stopped NOT trying.

So we tried, and since my periods are all still out of cycle, I dont really know when to expect my period.

For anyone who's trying again, or has been where I am before, here is whats happening. I got my first period since the baby was born January 5th and my second 35 days later Feb 9th. Since i never really kept track of my periods before, I dont know of 35 days for me is normal, i know average is 28 days.

I started taking prenatal vitamins and found myself getting very naseous the past few days, so i think my "symptom" of naseousness is from that, im not considering it. But i have been waking up the past few days tired, today i have had a headache since i woke up, and a dried out feeling, and im exhausted. The past 3 nights I have been asleep by 830 ( and thats early for me) and i get tired in the middle of the day. My appretite is greater and my husband is convinced I am pregnant.

Since I dont know if my cycle is even on schedule, or when to expect my first period, i took a test Sunday morning and it was negative. I dont feel my period coming on at all, adn just feel off.

So im sharing my story with you to see if anyone else has or is going thru the same thing.

I so badly want to be pregnant and know that Im not but hanging on that chance I might be. my due date is Wed Match 10th so im so emotional and knowt hat i'll end up getting my period that day, just to throw it all at me at once!

Posted by Jackie W | Comments: (2) | Permalink

NOT ALONE <3

Feb 19, 2010 10:19am (EST)

I am having a good day today, its friday and I have plans this weekend, so knowing I'll be busy has my hopes up that I'll have a good weekend. I have dinner plans with a good friend of mine tonight, a birthday party for a little boy in my daughters class on Saturday and i plan on going to see my grandfather and some family on Sunday...

So with a good outlook on this weekend, while driving to the bank, it got me thinking...

If Share got all of us together, If this website was what all us parents need to unite and not feel so alone, I hope that our kids are all together. We all have our own ways of belief as to what happens once you leave this world, but in some way i hope by us all being linked together, so are our children... happy, together, bonded as we all are!

Posted by Jackie W | Comments: (1) | Permalink

WHAT IF...

Feb 18, 2010 08:36am (EST)

The past week has been a little hard for me, its been almost 3 months since I lost my son, and the hard times seem to be further apart than what they were a month or so ago, but im finding that on the days that I am sad I can't work through it. I have returned to work, but can't seem to stay focused long enough to do my work, and while I was out, they hired a girl to cover me, but decided to keep her to do some filing and office work, yet alot of the filler work that kept me busy throughout the day, is no longer there for me, and i find myself with alot of "down" time and its not a good thing for me.

So, what if i can't ever fit back into real life and this feeling of emotional loss doesn't ever get better. I just want to go home, sit on my couch, have the tv on in the backround and go about things in my house at my own pace, not sit here, waiting for 5:00. I have found myself needing to get outside help more each day. I never thought i would be someone who need to "talk" to someone, and the thought of sitting in a room with a complete stranger does no appeal to me, and the chances of finding someone who has experienced this and can actually relate to the bizzare thoughts that go thru my head, would be impossible. I understand its their job to help me through this, but unless they personally have, they would be of no help to me.

I really dont even expect anyone to write back this post, its kinda just my personal thoughts being put down on paper, in hopes to sort through what is going on in my head.

Posted by Jackie W | Comments: (6) | Permalink

MY PROUD MARCH FOR BABIES STORY

Feb 12, 2010 08:50am (EST)

I have to share because toady, i am having a good day, and to follow up my previous post about the envy I feel for those who have happy endings, I need to share my news.

After my son passed away, the same day he was born ( wow even as I write it, almost 3 months later, it almost doesnt seem real at times) I joined March for babies and decided i'd walk. Never thinking twice about it, registered and kind of let it be. A week or so later remembered I made the Team Page and only got as far as naming the team, Team Kayden James Weingartner after my son. I thought how sad it looks to have his name up there, in his memory, with no story, no love, no attention. It was right then and there that I, for the first time, wrote my story knowing others would read it. Its like I almost couldn't stop writting, and was writting it for no other reason but to let people hear the story, my way, on my terms, from my heart. I wrote it simple enough for those who didnt have a clue, would understand both as a mothers stand point, as well as a human beings. I decided that day that I would set a goal of $2,500, a long shot in my eyes, but a $100 for every week I was pregnant with my son. I also set a goal of wanting 25 walkers to walk beside me the day of the walk,again one walker for every week I was pregnant with my son. Well i am proud to say that for the first time in almost 3 months, I have what to me im taking as the proud mommy moment as the mother of my son, to have reached my goal of $2,500 with the help of, yes, thats right, all 25 of my walkers.

Below is what I wrote on my teams page, about my son.

"An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth.. and whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth"

Every day, thousands of babies are born too soon, too small and often very sick. On November 27, 2009 our son Kayden James Weingartner was born under those exact circumstances. We decided to name him Kayden because it meant little fighter, and although his fight only lasted 17 hours, he was. We watched as the neonatal staff fought hours upon hours to save Kayden, stood next to a nurse who was then working overtime because she wasn't ready to end her shift and go home yet and were visited by March of Dimes representatives to offer motivation, hope and love. During Kaydens final minutes we were given the oppurtunity to be a family in private and hold our son. As a mother, you never think you'll see your childs final breath, and I held mine as he took his. That was a moment in both of our lives as new parents that will forever be the most heartbreaking experience we will each ever know. Its an experience we hope to save another mother or father from knowing and have made it our mission to make that happen and that's why I'm asking you to join us on April 25th 2010 and march for babies.

If you are reading this than you too have been effected in some way if not by our story but possibly your own. Please take this time to donate to Team Kayden James Weingartner, join the team and walk with us and PLEASE pass this on to all your co-workers and friends and have them donate as well. If we can save ONE family from this heartache and get one little baby home healthy with their families then we have done our job.

We thank you now for taking the time to make your donations to Team Kayden James Weingartner in his memory and honor.

Posted by Jackie W | Comments: (3) | Permalink

JEALOUSY?

Feb 11, 2010 11:32am (EST)

I need to vent and I hope that I am not alone here.

Is it wrong that when I read other mothers stories about their child, and read how their child(ren) are in the NICU but still alive and on the road to going home, i overcome with absolute jealousy and rage that I don't want to read the remainder of the story... Dont get me wrong, i would never in a million years wish the pain of losing a child on anyone, and to hear that not everyone has an ending like mine, but when i hear of the "success'' stories i get so angry. It happens outside of Share, when i go to the store and see a pregnant woman i get a snarl look on my face i probably dont hide very well, if i see a baby infant size in a stroller i can't help but stare at them and think. I was driving the other day and saw a father walking out of the store holding an infant car seat and was drawn to watching him carry him out, wondering why not me. I just feel like a horrible person that I can't even hear somenoe's success story. I am waking in the march for babies walk for myself as a healing step but to also save at least one family from this experience but can't yet bring myself to have the "thats wonderful news" emotion to be the first thought in my head, its immediatley like I say to myself, ugh.

To all the mothers reading this who experienced a wonderful turn around and have your babies home, or on the road to coming home, i truly deep down inside envy you as much as i feel happy for you, i guess my wound is till too open to throw the salt in it, if you know what I mean.

Posted by Jackie W | Comments: (3) | Permalink

WARM WELCOME

Feb 09, 2010 07:36am (EST)

As i sit here completely lost on how this website works, I wanted to take a moment to thank all the warm welcomes i received on my first entry.

I really hope to find other mothers who will be able to understand the emotional rollercoaster we are all riding on. Who will laugh at me and with me on the mornings and days when i just need to lose my cool and vent, who will cry with me on those days when nothing seems fair anymore, and who will yell at me on the days when I want to blame myself.

So to all the moms who are reading this, dads too, I want to welcome you to my journey and thank you all for letting me into yours.

May the bond we all share last forever!

Posted by Jackie W | Comments: (2) | Permalink

THE START OF THE END

Feb 08, 2010 12:46pm (EST)

This experience is hands down the saddest, hardest, heartbreaking, lonely and gut wrenching experience that it physically hurts. So i guess i will start from the begining. I found out I was pregnant in July, July 3rd actually. There aren't word to describe the emotional surge that comes over you when you realize you have created a life, i immediately ran out to get decaf everything and prenatal vitamins. Being i already have a 4 year old little girl at home, i felt like a pro. September came, and i was spotting, some days red, some days brown, the OBGYN i had didnt seem to concerned being i was in the 2nd trimester and the heartbeat was very strong and he was very active. That continued all the way through to my 20 week anatomy scan. The blood work came back elevated which could either be a false positive or possible the worst case scenerio of the baby having downs or spina bifida so they referred me to a level 2 sono tech for a complete sonogram evaluation. I went to the doctors at Stony Brook who did the tests, they said that the baby was the perfect size and had NO birth defects but that I had placenta previa along with marginal cord insertion ( where the umbilical cord was up to the top and that towards the end of the pregnancy it could effect how much nutrients the baby would get. I continued to bleed on and off for the remainder of that month and decided to go for a second opinion back at Stony Brook being I was only 22 weeks and one should not be bleeding that much and my obgyn kinda didnt seem to think it was a big deal. The high risk doctor at Stony Brook highly suggested that I get admitted to the hospital to be monitored. When you have that much blood loss the baby could be effected so I was admitted that night to Stony Brook in the pre-partum wing. I stayed there for alittle over a week, and once i had stopped bleeding and the week of tests showed no reaction or harm to the baby, i went home. I was on pelvic bedrest and was told to pretty much do nothing... A few days later, i woke up at 12 at night to a pool of water, and went to the Labor and Delivery part of Stony to find that i did in fact break my water and that there was no amniotic fluid left. I was admitted at 23 weeks and a 4 days and prayed for a miracle. On Thanksgiving morning i woke up with some bleeding and was rushed back upstairs to labor and delivery and was closely monitored, contractions started towards 8pm and by 3am I was in full blown labor and dialated, bc i had the previa i had to have an emergency c-section and at 5am, my son was born. When he was born, he needed CPR to help take his first breath, and was never taken off the machines. My husband was back and forth from NICU, and when i had finally fallen asleep that night, the nurse woke me up to tell me the NICU was asking for me, my husband was alreadty down there so i was taken down by the nurse, and I just knew. As i was wheeled into the NICU room i saw my husband first, and he just shook his head, they had told us that there was not enough oxegyn going to his brain and even if they kept him in the machines, he would be braindead, at 25 weeks and 1 day... less than 17 hours old. The medication from the surgery still had taken control of my body and the shock of this all being real got the best of me, as I held him for the first time, and the last. I was able to hold him while they took him off the machines and took his final breath in my arms. Later that night, i broke down and cried the hardest I have ever cried in my life.
So, here I sit not even a full 2 months later and the reality of my life around me is starting to all come together, i have returned back to work and my normal life, and i feel like im living someone elses life. Its a very odd feeling to return to things that no one else is effected by, like to sit here at my desk that for me is like a bad dream bc i last sat here, pregnant, everyone else sits the same way, with there lives unchanged and i feel very out of place.
Over the past few weeks i have started to break down and have found myself lashing out and always angry with my husband. Like a part of me wants to blame him without actually blaming him so i have an outlet to push all my emotions.
I have recently signed up to be the team leader for the March of Dimes walk on April 25th, for March for Babies and have focused all my emotions into that and getting donations.
I hope to find myself some other families who will share in my pain and relate to the most difficult time and gain a family outside of my own.
Thank you for reading

Posted by Jackie W | Comments: (5) | Permalink

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