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JANELL'S JOURNEY

Janell0805

May 2008

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HEARTBROKEN

May 10, 2008 08:34am (EST)

So my mom kept Wyatt overnight so I could home back to our apartment and pack up as much of our things as I could. Well I called this morning and she told me that Wyatt woke up this morning and said "My daddy come pick me up?" She told him that Daddy was at work. I never thought I could hate anyone but for him I can make an exception. I'm sick of lying and telling him daddy's at work but what am I supposed to say? Your dad is a selfish pig who only cares about himself? It's sad because the only one who has done nothing wrong in this situation is Wyatt, and he's the one getting hurt. The Friend of the Court could care less. They can't enforce visitation yet they wont "bastardize" a child, but they will allow his father to come and go as he so chooses. None of this fair. I just give up. I'm stuck and there is nothing I can do!

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SOME PEACE?

May 08, 2008 05:57pm (EST)

Well, it's been a peaceful sort of two weeks without a word from dad. Apparently I have to put it writing in our parenting time order that he has to return my phone calls. It's sad because I've been saying for the past year he intentionally ignores my phone calls...this just proves he did. And his parents too. I grew up without a father. I swore my son wouldn't and sometimes I feel like its my fault. I feel like I let myself down, and my mother who tried so hard to make sure I didn't make the same mistake she did. I look into those big beautiful brown eyes of his every single morning and thank GOD for bringing him into my life. He has brought so much joy to everyone in our family I don't understand how someone could not love an innocent little boy! I'm the one that has to be there when he's sad, or upset or hurt. I'm the one making all the sacrifices for him to have a good life. What hurts the most is knowing that he has another child that he sees every single day. There's a little boy out there thats living the kind of life my son was supposed to have. I had it all planned out when I was pregnant. But unfortunately nothing worked out the way I wanted. My child never sleeps. I don't sleep, I'm too tired to care anymore. I've been staying with my mom and all she ever does is yell at me for something that she can't do. Everything is my fault. I could not be here and it would still be my fault, she's my mother and I love her but I honestly hate to be around her. I hate it and I hate the way she flips out and starts swearing when wyatts around and then tries to correct me when I slip up. I'm 26 years old...STOP trying to run my life. It drives me insane...I know she loves him, and he's such a grammas boy, and then lecturing me about all this harrassment stuff with his dad, as if I don't have enough stress...AHHH! And with the price of gas, I think a vacation is out of the question!

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Posted by Janell0805 | Comments: (1) | Permalink

WHAT TO DO

May 03, 2008 05:35pm (EST)

I just am so depressed lately, I try so hard to be the bigger person and blow things off and do what's best for my child. I love him with all of my heart and sould. Even though none of you on here have met me I'm sure you all know that. I just don't know what is the worse of two evils.... having a child grow up without a dad? Or having one thats around when he feel's like it? I just don't know what to do!

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IT'S OVER!

May 01, 2008 08:16pm (EST)

Well, I was really hoping that by Wyatt's dad being back in his life things would get better... WRONG. I was really happy that he was taking him and seemed to be adjusting well. Dad would tell me how Wyatt loved to give his little brother kisses and got upset when the baby cried. Well two weekends ago, I had a partially collapsed lung so due to that I was unable to switch weekends and dad agreed to take him at the last minute ( it was his scheduled weekend anyways but i was going to have him switch with me). I asked him to call me and let me know they made it home safe and when he didn't I figured he was tired and probably went to bed. Not a big deal. Friday no phone call, tried to call no answer, still didn't worry. Saturday tried to call a few times and still no phone call back left messages just asking him to let me know how wyatt was doing. Nothing. Sunday still nothing, by this time I was frantic worried sick that something had happend to them. Called his parents left a message just saying I was worried about wyatt and could someone please call me back. Nothing. Monday..called dad at work. Wouldn't accept my calls. FINALLY when I got hom from school I called the court and they said there was nothing I could do it is not in our order that he has to return my calls (sorry i thought it was called RESPECT) anyways, when i finally went to pick up wyatt there was a state trooper waiting to talk to me. Clint filed harassment charges. Seriously I have had it with his bs and calling the cops and makine me worry sick for 4 days. Is it that hard to pick up the phone? I even called the daycare they told me he was at and the lady told me that she (the fiance) brought the boys there once and hasn't brought them back. I had NO IDEA where my child was and was totally frantic! So now I have a pending harrassemnt charge for excessive phone calls! And I told the lady at the court that NO WAY IN HELL was he taking my child if he can't return my calls. She told me there may be legal consequences but oh well, im not going to stress myself out especially when im supposed to be recovering becaue im worried about my child, nobdy should have to. So of course this would have been dad's weekend and no phone call, nothing. I knew he wouldnt he knows better. But on a better note I passed all my classes and I passed my clnicals im offically graduating with my LPN on saturday!!!!!!!!

Posted by Janell0805 | Comments: (2) | Permalink

SLEEP?

Apr 10, 2008 04:41am (EST)

Why does my child not like sleep? Seriously, he just WON'T SLEEP! It is really starting to take its toll on me. My instructor got on my case because i emailed my assignment at 1am when I had to be at the hospital for clinicals at 6:45, she told me that people who don't get enough sleep function on the same level as someone who is intoxicated... thats fine and all but tell my child that. He will go to bed at a perfect time, 8-8:30 and seem to be sleeping soundly, WRONG... 2-3am rolls around he thinks hes going to get up and watch videos. He becomes very upset when I tell him its time to go back to bed, and since im on my own, I don't usually have the energy to fight with him. And he's not old or big enough for me to just let him up on his own. Days that he sleeps 8-9 hours is a miracle. Usually its more like 7 hours which puts me at about 5 hours a sleep at night. I have tried everything short of getting him on some sleeping medication and nothing is working. We have a bedtime routine, its usually the same everynight. Ugh I just don't know what to do! I don't sleep and then I'm angry and crabby all day. HELP!As far as my hand, ugh... I cut it on a friday, got 6 stitches, went back monday afternoon because it looked red and swollen and the stitches were coming out, they tightened a few stitches, gave me an antibiotic for possilbe infection and gave me a finger splint to wear so my knuckle wouldn't bend. They said to wait another week to get my stitches out. LAST Friday I went back, it was still red, sore and just looked worse, again they told me I was fine and there was nothing they could do. I went monday to get my stitches out and the nurse (finally!) said she was concerend because it didn't look right, the PA came and looked at and said yep they are ready to come out....so out came the stiches PAINFULLY because the skin had started to grow over, i have a huge scar all the way across my knuckle, it looks like I have eczema because the skin peeled off...well I have to get my beast ready for therapy and I have a HUGE exam tomorrow that I need to finish reading for...on a good note, I'm almost done with school =) 3 more weeks, then I have to figure out what im going to do!

Posted by Janell0805 | Comments: (2) | Permalink

ADVICE

Apr 03, 2008 09:06pm (EST)

So I am just looking for some advice. I have been trying to potty train Wyatt and he does not like the potty. I even bought one that makes flushing noises =( Anyways, I havent been trying really but more or less trying to get him to sit on it and he refuses. He just says "Get up" or "Get up please" or just gets up on his own. Its just so hard to tackle him to change his diaper. Well in other news in the life of Janell and Wyatt. He is talking talking talking still, I cut my hand open last friday doing dishes and had to get 6 stitches which 3 days later i went back to the ER because they were coming out, its very hard because i cut the knuckle on my hand below my index finger on my RIGHT hand, which im right handed, and yeah its infected and i have to go back tomorrow because they put me on antibiotics and its done nothing but get worse =( School is almost over and i haven't figured out what im going to do yet ugh. Anyways yes just looking for some advice tonight!

Posted by Janell0805 | Comments: (2) | Permalink

WOW

Mar 20, 2008 10:20pm (EST)

WOW! What a week this has been!!! Sunday night I got some really bad news. A good friend of mine lost her fiance in a tragic car accident. He was traveling to work and apparently fell asleep at the wheel and crossed the center line into the path of an oncoming Semi. He was killed instantly. He is the only guy she has ever dated. I guess he had told close friends "just two more paychecks and I'm going to buy her a ring". The really sad part is his poor family lost a son about 6 years ago (he was 19 at the time) due to a drowning. But the funeral was last night and with everything going on I thought wow I really need a break. Wyatt went with his dad tonight and he will have him until Monday. Amazingly my ex and I have been getting along wonderful. No arguments, no fights, no name calling, no blaming each other for anything. Just short sweet 5-10 minute conversations and hi and bye how are things good ok talk to you later. So with all the stress I decided to go out with my neighbor tonight, figured we would go out for a few hours and have some drinks. Unbelievably I ran into my brother tonight. I don't know if I mentioned to anyone that I HAD a brother. But yes, we are 8 mos apart and obviously have different mothers. I have not seen or spoken to him in at least 10 years. It was so bittersweet. We hugged, he cried. I gave him my phone number told him to call me anytime. I told him he was an uncle and his whole face lit up. Well, I can't really say unfortunately because I am a very accepting person, but my brother is gay, which means I guess I'm not going to be an auntie anytime soon. But I had to share this with all of you. Although to some you may seem like perfect strangers and I know this has nothing to do with Wyatt or his medical conditions. I feel like we are our own little family here sometimes and we share in each others pain and happiness!

Posted by Janell0805 | Comments: (2) | Permalink

WHAT A KID!

Mar 06, 2008 09:51pm (EST)

I swear this child of mine is a human parrot. He repeats EVERYTHING! He was so funny today, we have been at my moms all week because of spring break and we were waiting for her to come home from work. So we're sitting on the couch and I said "Where's Nana Bear?" He replied "Where's Nana Bear?" "I don't know" I just can't help but laugh at him its just so funny I wish you all could hear his little voice. He has his moments but its so hard not to laugh even when he throws his little fits. He will bring me the phone and tell me to "call gramma". My mom is teaching him how to spell his name. We'll ask how do you spell Wyatt, I'll say W-Y and he says "ATT". Or I'll start to count 1, and he follows with "two, free (how he says three)" He has been such a good boy all week. I'm glad I get to sit back and enjoy having a whole week to do absolutely nothing but spend time with him. I have 7 weeks left of school till I graduate with my LPN. I was going to try to somehow take all the classes I needed to apply for the RN program for Winter 09, and I just decided it won't kill me to take a little break and only take a class or two at a time. I'm so ready to just work and start making money. I have two job interviews next week. So in other news, big news I should say. I now have sole legal custody of Wyatt which means technically his dad has no say in anything I do with Wyatt, he can't even "technically" bring him to the doctor. BUT...we are going to try the visitation thing one more time. I know I've said a million times how much I despise him, but all that aside he IS Wyatt's father, and this is his ABSOLUTE LAST CHANCE. The family court mediator even told him that he needs to be consistent. He stopped by mothers house tuesday after our court hearing and spent about an hour playing with Wyatt. Wyatt didn't really know who he was but seemed excited to see a new/familiar face. Lately he's been saying "my daddy" even before he saw his dad again so I think that's what made me think about giving him one last shot and being a responsible adult. His visitations are still going to be every other weekend, alternating holidays and extended periods in the summer, but instead of being 5pm Friday-Sunday at 5pm now that there is a little over an hour distance between us, he is going to take him Thurs from 7pm until Monday at 7pm, I told him to get ahold of me this week and we would arrange a time either saturday or sunday so he could spend time with Wyatt again. I want them to get reacquainted before I send my child off with him for 4 days. I'm a little nervous hoping it all works but I will keep you all updated!

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Posted by Janell0805 | Comments: (1) | Permalink

SCARIEST DAY EVER!

Feb 24, 2008 08:44am (EST)

Yesterday started out as any other day. Little did I know what it would end up like. A friend and I decided to go out for dinner with the little munchkin of mine. Something we do every once in awhile when I'm home for the weekend. Dinner started out just fine. Wyatt had some chicken tenders and french fries. My friend and I were both keeping an eye on him making sure he wasn't shoving too much in his mouth at once. Now, Wyatt has been sick for a almost a week with this horrible cough but since I had given him some cough medicine he had been fine. All of a sudden he started coughing,which like I said I thought was strange. All of a sudden I realized he was CHOKING! Yes every parents worst nightmare happend. The one thing you fear and hope to GOD you won't ever have to face I had to face. Being a nursing student I'm certified in Basic Life Support. But for some reason I couldn't snap out of paranoid scared out of my mind mother mode. I picked him up out of the high chair and attempted to do chest thrusts to no success. The waitress told me to turn him over and I began swatting him on the back in attempts to dislodge whatever he was choking on. Someone yelled "Oh MY GOD he's choking, he's turning purple" Not something you want to hear. The waitress took over and a good swat or two and Wyatt was coughing and crying because at this point I was standing there shaking and crying in the middle of a resteraunt. The guy at the table next to us had immediately called 911 and tons of people came to offer help. I'm feeling more lucky than ever. I felt like I was going to faint. Wyatt just has this habit of shoving too many pieces in his mouth at once and we were watching him closely but he must have snagged an extra piece when I wasn't looking. I thank the waitress a dozen probably more times how do you thank someone for doing what any good hearted person would do? How do you say thank you to someone who kept a cool head when I, his mother, couldn't function. I couldn't help him I literally was frozen in fear and I thought OH MY GOD my baby! My baby is going to die right before my eyes and I can't help him. I tried, at first I told myself ok, stay calm you can do this but I couldn't, I lost my cool and got scared. My mom yelled at me and told me not get scared like that but what could I do? After he just wanted mommy, he hugged me tight and I just held him and cried. I told him he was DEFINITELY grounded for that stunt. They gave him some ice cream with chocolate syrup on the house and he was the center of attention. The paramedics came just to check him out and said his lungs sounded great. Thank GOD for miracles. To make matters worse, I was already paranoid because my friend's little boy has RSV and they were all playing together last weekeend. I'm just hoping this cold goes away, the poor little guy's face and nose are all raw from me wiping his boogied up nose. Anyways, thanks for listening.

Wyatt and Janell

Posted by Janell0805 | Comments: (3) | Permalink

2 1/2 YEAR UPDATE!

Feb 11, 2008 12:33pm (EST)

Well, Wyatt was officially 2 1/2 on February 6th, 2008. Things are starting to look up a little. We are still working on following directions and listening, at least that is what his OT tells me, but I'm ready to say listen woman, he's 2!!!! What 2 year old is going to listen and follow directions? Wyatt has his own agenda and does what he wants when he feels like doing it. Lately he has been playing with his toys more. I know I'm mean, but it got so ridiculous with the books that I literally had to hide them. He is still a typical terrible 2 year old. We got his braces tweaked recently and the orthotist wants to switch him to a different type of brace but we are going to hold off and consult his PT and his doctor to see what the next step should be. He has been refusing to wear his glasses more often than not. I am still having daycare issues, and the home daycare I wanted to switch him to, the lady does not know if she wants to accomadate my needs since I need care so early in the morning. So it looks like two daycares for Wyatt still as for now. I need to look for a new job because I lost my job. Other than that things are ok I think. He took a little digger today and hit his head during OT, and she told me to keep an eye on him. So far nothing....yet....still hoping that his shunt was not affected. I think it's going to make me paranoid however and we will end up in the ER within days because my mind is going to play tricks on me. but we will see. I also have a few new pictures to share!

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Posted by Janell0805 | Comments: (2) | Permalink

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