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WELCOME, GUEST |
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(1 member)
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niylnnrae @a…6 |
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LIFE WITHOUT LIAM
liams mommy |
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| Category: Home | Sun | Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat | | | | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 |
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THANK YOU...
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Sep 10, 2012 03:31pm (EST)
Thank you to all my Share friends for the quilt and pebble "family" picture- you are all simply amazing! I'm sorry this hasn't come sooner- you all have been on my mind since meeting with Stacy....I love them both.
Bella's started school, Jason's back to work and I quit my job....so things have been hard the last couple weeks, almost like I've started the grieving all over again. I think they both were my buffers.
Some days are better than others, but I still find myself thinking "I can't believe this is my life now- how did this happen- how will i get through the day- what do i do now", sometimes the despair is too great to get a handle on, and other days I manage better.
Jason's younger brother and wife are expecting their first- I think they probably found out about the same time I was admitted to the hospital...to be completely honest, I'm extraordinarily jealous. I hate myself for the feelings I'm having, and have secluded myself even further from my in-laws....i can't stand to hear anything about them, their wonderful life and impending baby- isn't that just awful. i can't believe this is the person i've become.
I miss my babies so much- Liam, Heath and Amelia...
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Posted by liams mommy | Comments: (11) | Permalink
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24 WEEKS...THE WOULD HAVE BEENS
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Aug 11, 2012 09:59pm (EST)
Today marks that day we were striving so hard to reach- I would have been 24 weeks pregnant with our rainbow babies...it would have marked 8 weeks in the hospital....we would have received our 9th p17 shot tomorrow......too many would've should've beens.
Instead I feel my soft flat belly, a constant reminder of what's been taken from us and the utter emptiness I feel in my heart and soul.
How can life be so cruel.....how can this be my life.
I wanna run far away from everything and everyone I know. I'm ready to sell everything we own and move cross country- to start over I guess. I know its not smart to make any big decisions right now....but I just want to run.
I don't have anything of substance to write about, I just wanted to mark this day.
Today is also Jason's 36 birthday, I wish I had energy or motivation to do something special for him. Next Tuesday also marks the 3rd anniversary of Liam's death.......sigh, I hate life right now....I'm not sure the sun will ever shine bright again....how could it after so much lost.
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Posted by liams mommy | Comments: (13) | Permalink
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3RD BIRTHDAY
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Jul 28, 2012 11:26pm (EST)
The twins are buried next to their older brother, Liam....3 babies buried, who does this....I feel so alone. I don't have words to even begin to verbalize the pain, the emptiness, the loss, the bleakness of any future.
I hate leaving my house...its too hard encountering happy families...I feel like I've been punched in the stomach whenever I see siblings, babies, and pregnant women. I feel like I cant attend my support group because there are a couple pregnant women there.....I just feel like I belong to an entirely different group now, yet I'm not sure there's anyone else who belongs in this group too. 
Thursday was Liams 3rd birthday, we tried to celebrate as best we could. My parents donated the golf outing money on his birthday, $6800...this was a nice tribute.
I don't know what else to say....everything is just so awful right now, I miss my babies so much.....the only glimpse of light comes from bella and Jason, but sometimes that's just not enough.
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Posted by liams mommy | Comments: (17) | Permalink
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IT'S OVER
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Jul 20, 2012 03:43pm (EST)
I'm not even sure where to begin....Jason and i are heartbroken and in a state of shock. Amelia Nicole was born Tuesday morning at 7:27am after i began to show symptoms of fever/sickness Monday evening.....there was indeed an infection, and it began to make me very sick....without delivery i would have become septic....but with delivery she would surely die being only 20weeks 3days - this was a sickening and heartbreaking decision. we only needed another 4 weeks, we were so close.
They removed my cerclage Monday evening and the doctor said it was beginning to tear through my cervix....she said she could see the membranes beginning to bulge and they looked discolored from the infection. We began pitocin early Tuesday morning.....
The two placenta's never delivered after she was born, and they tried many different medications to get my uterus to cramp...after trying for 4 hours, we had to go in for a D&C....just another complication.....nothing could work right for us during these last 5 weeks.
Amelia weighed 11.4 ounces and was 9.75 inches long- she was so perfect; she had Bella's nose and my lips....she grew so much bigger than Heath in only those 4 short weeks. She was such a fighter, living for 2 hours after her birth...i have no doubt she would have survived if i only could have given her 24 weeks. I blame myself and my body....yet another baby i've killed....how can this be happening....i'm so lost and so empty. Bella is so happy her mommy and daddy are home, but i just don't have anything to give her right now, the emptyness is overwhelming.
This was our last try, the last attempt to give a sibling here on Earth to Bella.....knowing this realization makes things even harder....we will never experience the joy of bringing a newborn home, never experience all the first's that come with raising a child...i feel so cheated, and so much regret- like i didnt' savor Bella's birth and newborn days like i should have, knowing that would be the only miracle we would be allowed.
Thank you all for your support over the last month. I can't believe the battle for Amelia's life is over, we really believed she was going to be our miracle baby to bring home...i'm at a loss, we are just so sad.
We are planning on having the twins memorial service this coming Tuesday, i think at 1:00pm. This will be at our church, CrossView Christian in Waynesville.
Jennifer
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Posted by liams mommy | Comments: (27) | Permalink
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CERCLAGE
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Jul 15, 2012 07:21pm (EST)
Last week was a tough one! As I mentioned last time, my cervix has been changing, in both directions. But last Tuesday, I only had 0.8cm left closed and a 2cm funnel, so cerclage was the only and last option. We started mag-sulfate that night, amnio Wednesday morning and cerclage that afternoon.....Tuesday thru Friday was awful to say the least. I know mag-sulfate is a good thing, but it feels like death....and the recovery from the surgery itself was painful.
Luckily, the risks associated with the cervlage have proven to b negligible, but I'm still bleeding.
They did the amnio to check for infection, bc if present they would not put in a stitch.....the initial test showed no infection, so we proceeded, but the longer culture is showing yeast. They r treating me with iv diflucan.....we will probably repeat the amnio again in a week or so.....I have not shown any o
clinical symptoms associated with infection, thankfully, but if I do they will remove the stitch and induce.....I'm very scared, I just wish we could catch a break. I pray there's no infection!
Our parents have been taking care of bella...Jason has been staying with me except while at work. Its been 4 weeks......shes happy, but doesn't feel like she has a home, this makes me very sad.
Day b though. Will update later.
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Posted by liams mommy | Comments: (11) | Permalink
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...
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Jul 06, 2012 08:02pm (EST)
We r still hanging on....18w6d today. Tomorrow will mark 3 weeks since heaths water broke.
Amelia is still doing good and growing, an estimated 12 oz.
Ive had some scares with my cervix ....they r calling it dynamic, it looked ok this morning though.
to b honest, there's just so many potential problems I'm trying to not think about everything.
I can see the surprise on the docs faces when they visit me everyday and see I'm still pregnant.....I'm not sure how long this interval delivery will last, and I never thought I would b begging for 24 weeks, but I just want to give her a chance!
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Posted by liams mommy | Comments: (13) | Permalink
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NUMB....HOLDING ON
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Jun 23, 2012 12:34pm (EST)
Baby bs water broke last Saturday.....Heath Alan was born monday at 2:01pm. He hung on for two days and fought so hard, but by Monday morning had slipped into my cervix and his little heart just couldn't take it anymore. He was so perfect....he has the same little scrunched toes like bella and long fingers like Jason.....
We numb....in shock.....so many too familiar feelings.
According to the docs, the deck is stacked against me and a miracle is the only thing that can save baby a.....a girl, Amelia Nicole.
will b in the hospital for the duration, on srltrict bed rest.....we r only 17 weeks today.
Please pray for this miracle.....I don't know what else to say.
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Posted by liams mommy | Comments: (20) | Permalink
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BIG UPDATE...
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May 23, 2012 06:25pm (EST)
I sit at this keyboard typing, and then erasing, typing and then erasing...over and over again. none of the words i choose seem to be right...so, i'll keep it simple.
We are pregnant 
i've wanted to post since my appt last week, we were 11w2d at the appt, but the blog/post wasn't working right in my head.
I'm excited and very blessed, but i'm extremely cautious and scared. I began bleeding/spotting before i even got the bfp, i actually thought i was having my period, but soon after saw the positive line. since then i continued to bleed/spot, and at 9.5 weeks had a significant bleeding episode....like a faucet had been turned on for a few minutes. luckily everything was okay with the babies.....
and yes, that's the other news, at 6.5 weeks we were told 2! as if i wasn't already shaking in my boots with the bleeding, now i'm told twins.....so blessed, yes, but sooooooo scared!
today i'm 12w4d, the bleeding has began to subside, thank God, and we've had no other large gushes. they haven't seen any subchorionic hemorrhage on any of the ultrasounds, and we've had 5.
i'm seeing a mfm and will begin with weekly appts at 16weeks, along with the p17 shots.
i'm not allowing myself to think any further than today, that's all i'm able to handle now....if i think too far in the future, things seem imposssible!
btw, the golf outing was a gigantic success- we raised $6800! the most by far!
Jennifer
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Posted by liams mommy | Comments: (12) | Permalink
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GOLF OUTING
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May 11, 2012 01:51pm (EST)
I don't have much time to post, but wanted to update.
Our m4b walk was GREAT!!!! the rain held out and there was a peek of the sun here and there during the walk....but more importantly, Team Liam Bradley raised over $3000!!!!! i still can't believe it, this is the most we've ever raised, it's such a great feeling.
Now on to the golf outing. Tomorrow is the 3rd annual Liam Nolen Bradley Memorial Golf Outing (that's a mouthful to say!) and things are looking good for this too.
Weather- check, nearly a full roster of teams- check, tons of great prizes- check!!!
It's going to be a long day tomorrow, and i'm already getting those nervous butterflies in my stomach, but i'm sure everything will be fine.
know i've been MIA lately, it's just been crazy around here....i'll post more next week, and add some pictures too. thanks for all your support!
Jennifer
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Posted by liams mommy | Comments: (8) | Permalink
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