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WELCOME, GUEST |
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(1 member)
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niylnnrae @a…6 |
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LIFE WITHOUT LIAM
liams mommy |
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| Category: Home | Sun | Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat | | | | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 |
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I'M AN IDIOT...
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Jun 28, 2010 06:20pm (EST)
so i've been so confused over the last week b/c i started spotting but my temps stayed up. i was convinced that i was pregnant b/c why else would my temps be up?????? according to the internet (lol- i should know better), pregnancy is the only option. i took one test, negative, and then took another a couple days later, still negative. and that's when it hit me, i'm sick with a low grade fever! how stupid am i?
this just goes to show how focused i am on getting pregnant....I can't even see what's right in front of me...i've been feeling lowsy the last few days with this horrible cold. it all makes sense now- duh!
sigh, there's always next month i guess. 
also feel horrible about something else. i don't know if i mentioned it or not, but my friend/co-worker is pregnant, she told us around mid-may. i wanted to be happy for her, but you know how these evil jelously feelings interfere.....well, she had a misscarriage last week. words can't express how terrible i feel for her and for my in-excusable feelings. i should have been happy for her when she told me, asked questions about how she was feeling, how her doctors appt were going...but i just couldn't bring myself to ask her any questions. sigh.
anway, just wanted to get that out.
hope all is well with everyone else. take care.
jennifer
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Posted by liams mommy | Comments: (3) | Permalink
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BLAH, BLAH, BLAH
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Jun 23, 2010 10:10am (EST)
how frustrating- i just spent the last 30 minutes adding an entry, tried to add pictures (which were too large), and my entire entry was deleted!!!!!!
to recap, have been feeling blah lately. they placed Liams headstone last Thursday, and i thought i would have strong feelings one way or another, but i just feel blah. the stone is beautiful and exactly what we wanted, but that's it, nothing else. i'll try again attaching some pictures, we'll see??
my cycles are extremely frustrating. my temperatures have been slightly erratic, so i'm never sure when i ovulate. i have a temp spike, which will stay up for a couple days, but then i'll have a low temp, which then spikes again???? on top of that, i started spotting for the last four days, it started on day 25, but my temps are still up...wtf?
guess i need to remind myself that i am not in control, i am not in control, i am not in control!
anyway, just a bunch of rambling. really i just wanted to show the pics of the headstone....so much build up to this moment, and now it's here.
jennifer
megan- i just read your instant message, which i think you sent a week ago, sorry. i feel the same way! 
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Posted by liams mommy | Comments: (4) | Permalink
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THE APPROACHING STORM.
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Jun 10, 2010 03:07am (EST)
Oh the rollar coaster of grief is heading back down the hill. at least that's what it feels like anyway- you go up and down, and then down some more.
it's actually taken me by surprise because things have been pretty good lately. don't get me wrong, i think about Liam everyday and miss him terribly, but things were okay...at least until the last couple weeks.
the nasty emotions, also known as sorrow, hate, guilt, jelousy, bitterness, sadness....the list can go on and on, well they are invading my soul again. i think they have been residing inside of me since i joined this club no one likes but can't leave...it's just i was able to tuck them away in a deep, dark place.
as the month of july ever so slowly creeps into view...this nasty box of emotions has slowly been opening and leeking its junk everywhere. i just want to sink deep into my bed and cry.
memories have been flooding back from life one year ago. i remember how naive and happy my family was, living blissfully in the moment. preparing to finish out the last trimester of my pregnancy, and greet our new baby in the fall.
July 26th will be Liam's first birthday, and though we will have balloons, cake, flowers, and presents, we will be celebrating at a cemetary. and i'm not sure 'celebrate' is the right word to use....can you celebrate your son's birthday if he's been ripped from your arms too early?
While Liam was in the NICU, i remember thinking about his birthday and having conflicting feelings about it. I wondered if on July 26, 2010, i would be happy, and truly be able to celebrate? of course this was before he died....though he was the sickest baby in our NICU, i never considered death...i always believed he would be coming home with us one day. With so much pain, worry, and darkness surrounding his day of birth, the day he was cut from my belly 13 weeks early...it was really hard for me to believe that one day i could celebrate.
and now, somehow, i need to make his day of birth a good day, something to celebrate...i just don't know how to do this within myself. i don't know how to seperate out the beauty of having my first son, of the time i spent holding him, changing his diapers, and all the other negative 'stuff'....i am rolling all the crap that we have all been through into the word 'stuff' just to make things easier.
anyway, i think i have rambled on long enough.
sorry for all the negativity, i really just needed to vent and get it all out. just found out today that my co-worker is pregnant, and i think that triggered something.
note to self- don't let all this emotion build up inside, otherwise you'll explode!
Liam baby- love you so much. your big sister tells me every morning that she dreamt about you the night before. i know you are her guardian angel, please keep her safe....and won't you come visit mommy tonight please. miss you baby!
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Posted by liams mommy | Comments: (4) | Permalink
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LOOKING TOWARDS NEXT MONTH...
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May 27, 2010 01:49pm (EST)
let me first start by saying, this past month was the first month of trying again for another baby. i really believed it might happen the first try, how naive i know, but i was hopeful. i just thought, with so many positive things happening over the last 4 weeks, like the mod walk, my birthday, the golf outing, and the thought of conceiving a baby on mother's day...becoming pregnant would just be icing on the cake.
but, i awoke this morning to my period. i even took a couple pregnancy tests over the last week because today is day 37 of my cycle. what a cruel joke right.
oh well, all i can do is look forward to next month....stay positive and look forward to next month, oh, and breath.
Please send the baby dust my way share mommies.
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Posted by liams mommy | Comments: (3) | Permalink
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SUCCESS!!
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May 20, 2010 06:16pm (EST)
Our golf outing was a huge success!
We had thirty teams and 116 golfers, the weather was so beautiful last Saturday- 70s, blue skies and no humidity!
my dad and i have been gathering feedback from the participants, and so far everyone has had nothing but great things to say. there was a positive vide surrounding everything that day and night. and, i managed to get through my speech during the dinner. it took me a second or two to gather myself before starting, but i did it. i really felt that either myself or jason, being Liam's parents needed to thank everyone for their support. also, i really wanted to be the one to introduce Dr. Schibler. he's the director of clinical research at children's here in Cincinnati, and is specifically interested in NEC research. he was great! we really connected, and i know he was honored to be there with us...he even cried with me!
So the grand total- we raised just under $5000 for NEC research!!!!! it's so great, especially since i just raised $2000 for the march of dimes. this is the positive experience coming from our loss of Liam. don't have any pictures yet, but will post some as soon as they arrive! thanks to all for their support.
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Posted by liams mommy | Comments: (3) | Permalink
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BIG DAY TOMORROW
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May 15, 2010 01:36am (EST)
Our golf outing is tomorrow, and it's been four months in the planning. we have 116 participants, loads of awesome doorprizes, and perfect weather (according to the weather guy), fingers crossed! The money we make from the outing will all go to Cincy Children's hospital to benefit NEC research, and we are having one of the doctors/researchers from children's give a short speech on the progress they're making with NEC. i am so proud to have put something of this magnitude together with my father, and in memory of my son. i want Liam to be remembered and want something positive to come from his short time on this Earth. This money represents hope....the hope that one day babies won't be ripped from their parents because of NEC.
I am filled with so many emotions right now; between preparing/organizing this outing, trying for another child, and today marks nine months since Liam died....i feel like there's a storm swirling around in my head.
Wish me luck tomorrow. i am praying for a positive vibe surrounding our event, happy golfers and friends. this is going to be a special day...i hope to get through it without crying...we'll see.
sending lots of love to my beautiful baby boy- mommy loves you Liam!
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Posted by liams mommy | Comments: (4) | Permalink
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SOOOOO LONG...
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May 01, 2010 02:33am (EST)
Almost 2 months since my last post....has it really been that long???? WOW, i knew it had been awhile but i didn't realize it had been that long.
Life's been okay...well alright, it's been pretty good.
(just a side note- when i'm asked how i am doing, i feel like i am betraying Liam if i say good or great. i feel like i am forever committed to feeling bad because i lost my baby. how could any mother say she was feeling good or great after losing a baby, no matter how long it's been?????? but life goes on...things keep moving, everyone else keeps moving forward. i will always miss my baby, more than words can say...but is it okay to say that i'm doing good???? does any of this make sense?)
anyway- back on track, so lifes been pretty good. our march for babies walk was last weekend, and though the weather sucked, we raised almost $2200!!!!! i was so impressed with my team, my family, my friends, all who donated and joined. my initial goal for 'Team Liam Bradley' was $1900, $100 for every day my baby was with us. honestly, i didn't think we would get anywhere near our goal. but as the walk got closer and closer, more and more donations came in! with the help of facebook (i knew it was good for something), we met and exceeded our goal!!!!!!! with every donation received, tears were streaming down my face...the feeling was indescribable, because they weren't tears of pain or hurt or longing, but tears of joy, tears of being lifted up....it was wonderful. this is reason #1 for life being good. something to be truly happy about! i attached some pictures of our walk; since the weather was bad, most of my team didn't make the walk, including bella who stayed with my brother, but overall it was a huge success!!!!
My dad and i have been working on organizing a golf outing to benefit NEC research at Cincinnati Childrens on May 15th. we've decided to make this an annual event, and have had such a huge response for our first year. currently, we have 29 paid teams (that's 4 people per team) with a maximum of 36 teams for the event. we've been getting lots of donations in the form of money and gifts (for prizes), and have been working hard to pull everything together over the last couple weeks. the best part about this, is that the lead NEC researcher from cincy childrens is coming to give a short speech during the dinner/award ceremony!!! i couldn't believe it when my dad told me he was coming the other day. you see, after liam passed, i emailed Dr. Schibler and just recapped everything that happened to liam...i'm not really sure why, i guess i was just trying to connect to people. well, a couple days after i sent that email, he actually called me, and talked to me for quite some time. i could tell, Liam's story really struck a cord with him...i cried, he cried, it was really nice to speak with him. since then, i haven't talked to him, and i'm not sure he's made the connection and realizes it's Liam's event he's coming to speak at....but i can't wait to see him there! i'll keep you all updated as we get closer to the event and let you all know how it goes.
have been working full time again. my boss and i have an agreement that i can work part-time when were not busy and full-time when we are. and since i work in the construction world, summer=busy. really though, it's been nice working full time again. for one, we really/ really need the extra money. and two, it's nice seeing my co-workers again. i forgot how much i missed them! after Liam was born so unexpectedly, they all donated some money and gave me a visa gift card to help with gas money to and from the hospital (it was a 50 minute drive). they raised over $250! so yes, it's nice to see them all again.
....what else is going on, hmmmm...
we finally, finalized the monument for Liam's grave. this was a huge struggle for me; i mean who has to make these decisions in their 30s???? when we buried Liam, we purchased two plots and laid him to rest at the foot of one of them. we finally decided to get a headstone for the three of us and okay'd the final draft the other week. it's black granite and will have a photograph of Cathedral rock (in Sedona, AZ) laser engraved on the top, which is where jason and i were married. my name, liam's name and jason's name are at the bottom, and above liam's name it says 'beloved son and brother'. it's so nice to finally have this completed; it was such a burden. i really wanted it done by this birthday, July.
next.
we finally got the okay from my doctor to start trying again, which brings me to reason #2.
this has also been a struggle of mine...trying to sort through my feelings of wanting a baby again immediately, wondering if it was the right time, wondering if we were doing it for the right reasons, wondering if my body is screwed up, wondering if this would happen all over again....the list goes on and on and on. i'm sure you all know what i'm talking about.
it finally came down to one thing...i realized, i will NEVER know why this happened. my husband and i had to make a decision, did we want to try again or not.....and we decided YES. at this point, i can only pray we are making the right decision. have been extremely aware of my body over the last nine months, just trying to make sure my cycles are normal. our first try will be in may, just in a week or so. i am really, really scared. do you think that's normal...should i be so scared if i really want this???? this is so confusing. i'll keep you posted, promise- it won't be another two months.
Bella has been doing great (reason #3), she's growing up so fast! we took her to her first circus the other day and she had a blast!!!!! it still brings smiles to my face to think about how happy she was. there were ten of us that went, and between the elephants, tigers, monkeys, snow-cones, candy, light wands....the list goes on and on, she had the best time of her life. i'll attach some of those picture too.
oh, i almost forgot. santa brought her a HUGE (that what she says) trampoline for christmas, and we put it up once the weather warmed up. needless to say, she loves that too. (fyi- mommy and daddy do too).
so, lots going on....i guess, life's been going on. miss my share friends, and i'm sorry i haven't been around. i hope everyone is finding some peace tonight....this new life of ours isn't what we may have chosen, but it is ours now....there's no returning it. maybe we should try to make the best out of what we have left. i know if liam could speak to me, he would want to see me happy....i miss you so much baby boy, everyday!
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Posted by liams mommy | Comments: (4) | Permalink
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JUST NEED TO VENT
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Mar 04, 2010 02:20am (EST)
so here's the story...
a friend of a friend just had her baby prematurely, at 29 weeks. they were monitoring the mother due to some complications and it turned out for good reason because her water broke early and they had to do an emergency c-section. when i got the news, i was really upset (doesn't take much these days) because it brought back so many memories from this past summer. well, of course i cried and was really worried about the baby and parents. my friend was filling me in on the details because her husband is friends with the father.
So- i found out the baby is doing extremely well, not even on the ventilator and is expected to come home in about three weeks! can you believe that! i was so happy for the parents, of course there are always ups and downs, but this baby girl (not sure of her name) is doing so well. i was so relieved, and then the following happened....
my friend and her husband went to visit the new family in the NICU. here's what she reported back to me:
the mother and father were laughing about the night before, when they went out DRINKING and PARTYING with family and friends that were in town, and were laughing that she had to 'pump and dump'!!!!!! WHAT!!!!!!!!
I am speechless! Are they serious? Their baby is in the NEWBORN INTENSIVE CARE UNIT!!! What are they thinking- do they even know what that is? I want to scream! I am at such a loss. Even if their baby is doing well, she's still in the NICU and her mother is laughing about 'pumping and dumping'........ Am I overreacting?
I am so disgusted and disappointed....i would give ANYTHING to have my baby back...and they are partying and drinking while theirs is alive and well in the NICU.
some people really piss me off.
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Posted by liams mommy | Comments: (7) | Permalink
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2/24/10
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Feb 25, 2010 01:50am (EST)
sadness! i am so very sad.
my best friend, my only true friend, she's been 'my person'- she's moving away tomorrow- 1800 miles away, an 18 hour car ride away.
we just got back from our last visit and i can't stop crying. though this loss is nothing like loosing Liam, there is that familiar ache in my chest....that overwhelming feeling of sadness and loneliness...it just sucks.
we became friends our freshman year of highschool...and 18 years later, our friendship has remained strong. i was there when her mother committed suicide, we stuck together after i left for college, and then moved out west for six years, she was there throughout my pregnancy with Bella and Liam, and of course was there when i had to bury my sweet baby boy.
The most depressing part about this is our girls...my daughter Bella, and her daughter Olivia are only 10 weeks apart in age, and have grown up together! They are best friends, and were supposed to grow up together, go to school together..... it makes me cry to think about what they are going to miss.
The past couple weeks have been so emotional for me. we finally ordered the headstone for Liam's grave, and now my only friend is leaving me....i'm not sure what i am going to do. i miss her so much already. she's my only friend (i know that sounds pathetic, but it's true).
sigh.
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Posted by liams mommy | Comments: (5) | Permalink
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