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LIFE WITHOUT LIAM

liams mommy

May 2013

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DOC APPT TODAY...

Aug 27, 2010 02:15am (EST)

I met with the new doc today, and though she was a great person and i would really like her as my gyn doc, i don't think she will work as my ob.
one of the big reasons i wanted to change doctors is b/c the hospital my current doctor's deliver at only has a level II NICU, and i want to be at a level III. I was sure the doc i met with today delivered at Good Sam (level III), but she doesn't

. when i mentioned this request, she said that only once in a years time does she have to send a patient from her hospital to Good Sam in an emergency situation...and i reminded her that i was that one patient last year. i would rather not take any chances. she completely understood and recommended some other doctors in her practice (at a different location) that i might like and also deliver at Good Sam.
but there were other things that i didn't exactly agree with either. she mentioned that once i was pregnant she would set up a consultation with a peri, but after the initial consultation i wouldn't need to see that doctor anymore. that she felt comfortable handling me throughout the pregnancy...uhmmm, i don't think so! at this point she recommended a few peri's that she really likes, and also mentioned that they deliver babies as well. this was news to me b/c i didn't think that peri's actually delivered the babies.
so anyway, i think i'll check into the high risk docs she mentioned and just stick with them (if i like them) throughout the pregnancy (once i get preg, fingers crossed,

)
Something else i didn't really agree with was this- she didn't think a cerclage was necesarry (this was okay), the doc's believe my ptl started before dilation (therefore no incompetant cervix), and that she would check my cervix regularly up until 26 weeks (the time in which the cervix should dilate if you have ic???? so she says), and after that i'm in the free and clear????? she didn't use those exact words, but that's kinda what it sounded like. what gets me is this, my contractions with Liam were very mild, most didn't even register on the hospitals contraction monitor, yet i was already dilated to 4-5cm....so why wouldn't she want to keep an extremely close eye on my cervix????

Of course we also talked about my problems with ttc. she basically said the same things my other doctors said, 'you've had two other pregnancy's, i think you're fine'....sigh.
maybe all this is just in my head, and maybe my body is okay. i guess i should just give it more time- it's just so hard!
When i brought up my 8-9 day luteal phase, and that i think my uterus is an 'inhospitable' place for a fertilized egg due to low progesterone levels, she said that i would have recurrent misscariages if that were the case. she thought that a 5-6mm endometrium was okay for conceiving. she smiled alot during this part of the conversation and kept saying that it will happen for me- easy for her to say.

guess i need to let go, give up, relax, maybe get a massage (stole this idea from Shannon's blog).....sigh.

on top of all this, my best friend (she moved to Colorado back in February) called me Sunday and told me she was 7weeks pregnant. let me first start by saying that if anyone deserves to be pregnant it's her- she's been through so much in her life, and this is a true blessing for her! but i feel so sad, i have such a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. when i was on the phone with her my husband was sitting next to me and heard most of the conversation. after i hung up i just started crying- i felt like the worst best friend in the world- all i could say to him was that i'm really happy for her, yet i'm balling my eyes out.
we're supposed to go visit them during the first week of october, and now i'm scared to go. i'm scared that i won't be pregnant, i'm scared that i'll act weird around her, that this sinking feeling in my stomach is just going to keep sinking and sinking.....i hate this! i don't want to feel any of this. i want to go out there and be happy for her, i want to talk about her pregnancy...instead i'm afraid to answer the phone if she calls. hate being such a bitter, selfish, hating person- this is what i feel like when i have these stupid feelings.

how do i let it all go?

Jennifer

Posted by liams mommy | Comments: (4) | Permalink

BREATH

Aug 24, 2010 01:51pm (EST)

I just made an appointment to see a new OB...i've been kicking around the idea for awhile now, but i've been hesitating to make the call because i feel guilty for leaving my old OB (stupid, i know). i've been going to them since i was 16...but i just don't feel i can trust them anymore. They just don't seem to be proactive- rather they take the wait and see approach.
I'm really nervous about seeing someone else, having to go through my history...and really i am nervous i won't like her either. really want someone to address my 8-9 day luteal phase. my other doctors just said, 'well you've gotten pregnant before, so nothing is wrong'. but so much has happened since then, 2 D&C's, placenta accretta- i really think my uterus has been so damaged that my lining (less than 7mm) is insufficient to support a fertizlied egg and pregnancy, hence the extremely short luteal phase and barely any period. anyway, it's been on my mind alot lately since we're ttc, and i finally made the call to see someone else. i can't believe i got in so soon- nervous and excited.

Jennifer

Posted by liams mommy | Comments: (5) | Permalink

I'M OKAY

Aug 20, 2010 01:52am (EST)

so, i've reread my last blog, and wow, so bitter, so sad. I just need to say....... i'm in a much better place than that blog might lead one to believe. I need everyone to know, including myself if i ever go back to reread these, that i'm OKAY.
I feel slightly guilty for saying that out loud (or at least in writing), that i'm okay, but it's true. sigh- why does enjoying this new reality, without Liam, have to feel so heavy with guilt... like i'm betraying him?

My last post was just one day prior to his angelversary, and during those 19 days- from Liam's birthday to deathday- i needed to walk through my steps from one year ago. Needed to relieve all those memories. i'm not sure why, but it was a journey i knew i needed to take.
as i sit here tonight, i just want myself to know that this new life i'm living, in my new reality, everything is going to be okay. not living the life i expected or so dearly wanted, but am I living this life regardless, and making the best of it. Watching my daughter grow into a little girl, planning vacations, trying to conceive again... life rolls forward and my family is no exception. The stagnation that lingered for months after Liam passed is evaporating, things are changing... I'm laughing again. Smiling again. Moving forward again.

In my desires to move forward, i chose to get this tattoo on the one year anniversay of the day Liam died, and i think i couldn't have picked a better day... the best thing i've done in a long time! and i'm so excited to show everyone Liam's footprints on my foot. I know he'll now walk with me forever, which brings much relief.... I know it's stupid, but now that i can see his feet everyday, i know i'll never forget him. Silly, i know- how could you forget about your son- but i know so many of you have had these same feelings- the passage of time somehow brings fading memories.... for me, this solves that problem.
On a practical note, the tattoo just started healing and is itching me like crazy. you can see some sort of scab beginning to form... she (tattoo artist) said it could take 6-8 weeks for it to completely heal, meaning the shading will continue to lighten up, and i shouldn't judge what it will look like until that point, but i think she really nailed it.
Funny thing, i must not have pressed his right pinkie toe down hard enough, so it appears he's missing that one, only nine toes. i decided to keep everything exactly the same, hence only nine toes.

Thanks to all for your comments and support you've sent my way- it's been such a lifesaver.
I almost feel like i've had my own personal 'New Years Day', a day to begin again with hopes and dreams for the new year to come.
Jennifer

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Posted by liams mommy | Comments: (6) | Permalink

1ST ANGELVERSARY

Aug 14, 2010 01:40am (EST)

A forewarning, this is not a pleasant post and extremely too long…

Below is a picture of Liam and myself. He was 17 days old, and this was only the second time I had the privilege to hold him; needless to say I was thrilled!
But I hate this picture, not my Liam of course, but me…I hate that I’m smiling, I can’t even stand to look at this picture because that smile on my face. It represents the life I thought we were going to live.
Just days prior to this picture, I had finally allowed myself to smile, to enjoy my time with Liam…I was just beginning to come to terms with his premature arrival, and I realized regardless of when and how Liam was born, he was here with me and that’s all that mattered. But when I finally let go, the world came crashing down.
This picture was taken on Wednesday, August 12th….one year ago yesterday. I hate this picture; I can’t even stand to look at my face, how could I have been so naive?

I received a call that night from the resident on duty; the blood results showed that Liam might have an infection, but he wasn’t showing any symptoms, yet….I hate myself for not going to the hospital that night.

Jason and I spent the next day with Liam, sitting by his bedside all day; this was one year ago today. It was an otherwise ‘normal’ day in the NICU, a Thursday, and I was busy working on school stuff while sitting with Liam. My graduate application, including essays, letters of recommendation, etc were due the following day. I had been working towards this point for the last year, finishing up some undergraduate classes that I still needed, taking the GRE in preparation of graduate school…it was all to be turned in on August 14th, one year ago tomorrow….. I hate myself for being so preoccupied with school before Liam was born.

Some friends stopped by to visit Liam, their first time in the NICU, and we left with them around 3pm to grab some lunch and then head home to pick up Bella…..I hate myself for leaving the hospital that day too.

And then comes the dreaded phone call that no parent ever, ever wants to hear- “Liam’s very sick, you need to come to the hospital now, it’s NEC. He’s being transferred to Children’s”….it was 4:46pm.

The next 24 hours are the worst, darkest, most horrific hours of my life; I never knew such pain existed. Liam was so sick. His ambulance had just arrived minutes before we had so they wouldn’t let us back right away. I couldn’t tell you how long I sat on that hospital floor in front of the NICU doors, it might have been hours or minutes?? But when they did finally let us back, words can not describe how quickly my heart sank. His little belly was so distended, so hard…. this was the first time I consciously wondered if he was going to make it.
I hated, and still hate, everything about this hospital. I didn’t trust the nurses or doctors, everything was so foreign and my little boy was so sick. We were put in a NICU pod with maybe four other babies, all of whom appeared to be nearly term. We were also surrounded by their parents, who all appeared to be teenagers….I felt like I was trapped in some warped dream world, nothing seemed right. Why was such a sick, premature little baby surrounded by all this?
Sometime during the night Liam’s heart stopped for 10 minutes before they got it going again…I was sobbing, burying my face in Jason’s chest. He wouldn’t let me watch as they were giving Liam chest compressions, and I’m thankful for not having that memory etched into my soul. I remember while this was happening, while I was sobbing ….there were no tears coming from my eyes….my body just didn’t have anything left to give….I hate this night, I hate this hospital, I hate the nurses and doctors who couldn’t save my little boys life….and I especially hate myself for not loving him enough to save his life…at least that’s what it felt like, a parents love should be able to save their baby, right?.

He made it through that night, and was getting prepped for surgery early the next morning. They wanted to look into his abdomen and see how the NEC was affecting his bowels. Just prior to the surgery, Bella was able to meet her baby brother for the first time. She was able to touch him, kiss him, and be present for his baptism.
Our entire family and friends arrived at the hospital to wait while he was in surgery. The outcome was grim…. either life or death, no in between.
The surgery started at 11am, and the doctors came to us 45 minutes later- “It’s NEC totalis, I’m sorry there’s nothing we can do”……I hate those doctors; I hate myself for not begging and pleading with them to do more. I hate myself for not asking one simple question, ‘Are you sure’, I didn’t even ask if they were sure.

I don’t even know what happened after that- it was the single most devastating day of my life.

Once back in the pod with Liam, it was like a funeral procession. Myself, Jason, and all the grandparents held him and kissed him over and over again. They allowed all our family and friends back into the pod, probably 20 people…they each came forward, one by one, kissing him, kissing us, and just crying. It was terrible. I’ll never forget Jason introducing Liam to everyone when they were all gathered in that small room, he said, ‘Everyone, this is my son, Liam’…he was proud.

Jason and I gave Liam a bath, his first and only bath by mom and dad. We dressed him in an outfit the nurse had given us, it was perfect. We swaddled him in one of those hospital blankets, told him how much we loved him, how proud of him we were, and how sorry we were…how much I wanted to take his place, that this was not how it was supposed to be.

With only Jason, myself and his grandparents in the room, we said our final goodbyes and Jason removed Liam’s breathing tube, it was 3:30pm…. he was gone….one year ago tomorrow Liam was gone.

At that moment I hated that I didn’t die too, and to this day I still hate that I get to live while he doesn’t… why couldn’t I trade places with him?
I hate that Liam’s body gave up on him, and most of all, I hate my body for giving up on him when he needed me the most….

I love my son, I miss my son- I’ll never forget you Liam. Tomorrow I’m getting your feet tattooed on my foot, we’ll forever walk together.

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Posted by liams mommy | Comments: (6) | Permalink

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LIAM.

Jul 26, 2010 08:47pm (EST)

Today is my son’s 1st birthday. The build up, the anxiety, the emotions surrounding this day has left me numb. I’ve been sitting at this computer wondering what to type….beginning something, only to erase it a few minutes later. I’m just at a loss. I feel completely empty right now, nothing to type, nothing to feel, just nothing. This is going to sound awful, but I just want to curl up in bed with a bottle of wine.

Today is my son’s first birthday, and we celebrated at the cemetery- I think that says it all.

To my son…
Happy Birthday Liam, you are one today, and though we can’t be together on Earth, your family still celebrates the day we first met. I’ve gone through your memory boxes, looked through all your pictures, smelled all your blankets, hats, anything that might still have your scent….but time has removed what I crave. Already one year, and yet only one year.
I miss everything about you, and all the things I never knew about you- your cry, the color of your eyes, you nuzzling my chest….I miss you baby!

I almost forgot- my husband and I visited a tattoo shop this weekend and set an appointment for my tattoo. August 14th, the day Liam died, I will get his feet tattooed on the top of my foot or hip (haven’t decided yet). I was extremely nervous going in, but very excited after we left. I feel the date is perfect- something to get me out of bed that day, and the pain from the tattoo will reflect the pain I experienced one year ago and continue to live with today.

Posted by liams mommy | Comments: (6) | Permalink

....

Jul 21, 2010 10:49pm (EST)

...with tears i write this entry.
AF showed her face today- i feel so betrayed because i really knew this was the month. what a slap in the face, so much for hope. on top of this, i've began receiving 'thinking of you' emails from friends, those who remember what is quickly approaching, and it just makes everything more real. i think i might be in denial...maybe that's not the right word...it's just that i've been doing pretty good of keeping my emotions, thoughts, feelings tighly sealed in a box hidden deep down. but when other people begin saying his name, writing his name....people i don't normally speak to asking if i want to go boating with them this weekend, they remember the significance ....sigh....everything comes flooding back.
it's been almost one year since Liam was born.

was sorting through some papers during dinner and came across a poem i read a few months back. it was strange how this paper must have been sitting in this obvious spot for many months now, right on my dining room table, but i never felt the need to pick it up...until today. and it's exactly what i needed to read at this moment. another share mommy posted this poem awhile back and it really struck a cord with me, so i kept it for this particular kind of moment. i'm going to share it again in the hopes it will help another angel mommy.

----------------------------------------------
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in other's eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so that they don't hurt quite so much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

-Unknown Author

Posted by liams mommy | Comments: (3) | Permalink

DEATH...

Jul 14, 2010 11:11pm (EST)

Where to start? I’ve been reading many of your blogs lately, and so many of them could have come directly from my mouth. I hate this club we all belong to, I never wanted it, and wish I could just leave…but I’m trapped.
The last few nights I have been having panic/anxiety attacks, at least that’s what they seem like. It always happens when I’m laying in bed, trying to fall asleep, and ‘DEATH’ creeps into my thoughts.
Let me start by saying, before Liam was born I wasn’t exactly a church-going person, and the thought of death always scared the crap out of me. I wavered back and forth from going to heaven when you die, to the alternative of absolutely nothing. And the thought of there being completely nothing after you die is absolutely terrifying to me.
So fast forward to the day Liam died. Needless to say it was the worst day of my life, the world came crashing down, and everything changed….to say I felt completely alone was an understatement.
We had Liam’s service at my in-laws church, a place I had only visited on holidays. I didn’t know the pastor that spoke at his service, and didn’t know the countless people who sent cards, made dinners, and prayed for us after his death; all of whom were members of this church.
Since that day, Jason and I have attended nearly every Sunday service. It’s weird how things work out, because thinking logically about what happened, I would have thought my anger with God over taking my Liam would have drove an even deeper wedge between our relationships…..but that’s not the case.
I need church every Sunday because I feel like that’s my time with Liam, one of the last places I was with him, even if it was only his body, and I feel drawn to God. We’re still trying to work out the kinks in my heart, but I need that time with them both every Sunday.
But I digress…
The reason why I’m writing all this is because after Liam died, my fear of death completely evaporated. It’s weird to say this, and I don’t want anyone to take it the wrong way, but I welcomed death.
That is until the other night when I had that panic/anxiety attack- the first in nearly one year. I was so scared, the weight on my chest was heavy almost taking my breath away. I hate this. What can I do?
I hate that I am constantly scared for my daughter’s safety. My SIL was watching Bella today and called to let me know they were going to the pool….after we hung up the phone, I had thoughts of her drowning and her dead body in a casket. WTF! What’s wrong with me? These thoughts are terrible, and I don’t want them in my head.
Sigh.
Jennifer
By the way- our share community is the most supportive and wonderful place. Without this site, and the unfortunate circumstances which bring us here, I would never have met such wonderful people. Thank you Liz. You are a beacon of light in the darkness.

Liam- mommy loves you baby boy. Your big sister talks about you often, usually when she’s playing with her dolls, and she acts like she’s taking care of you. Your first birthday is approaching, please fill my heart with your love during theses days for it will be hard for your mommy! I miss you so much.

Posted by liams mommy | Comments: (6) | Permalink

UNEXPECTED SURPRISE

Jul 08, 2010 06:18pm (EST)

I received something in the mail today from the MOD, and was completely surprised when i pulled out a plaque declaring myself as the #3 Top Fundraiser for Clermont County, Ohio march of dimes walk.

I had no idea!
It immediatley brought a bittersweet-smile to my face.
Just wanted to share.
Jennifer

Posted by liams mommy | Comments: (5) | Permalink

I'M AN IDIOT...

Jun 28, 2010 06:20pm (EST)

so i've been so confused over the last week b/c i started spotting but my temps stayed up. i was convinced that i was pregnant b/c why else would my temps be up?????? according to the internet (lol- i should know better), pregnancy is the only option. i took one test, negative, and then took another a couple days later, still negative. and that's when it hit me, i'm sick with a low grade fever! how stupid am i?
this just goes to show how focused i am on getting pregnant....I can't even see what's right in front of me...i've been feeling lowsy the last few days with this horrible cold. it all makes sense now- duh!
sigh, there's always next month i guess.

also feel horrible about something else. i don't know if i mentioned it or not, but my friend/co-worker is pregnant, she told us around mid-may. i wanted to be happy for her, but you know how these evil jelously feelings interfere.....well, she had a misscarriage last week. words can't express how terrible i feel for her and for my in-excusable feelings. i should have been happy for her when she told me, asked questions about how she was feeling, how her doctors appt were going...but i just couldn't bring myself to ask her any questions. sigh.
anway, just wanted to get that out.
hope all is well with everyone else. take care.
jennifer

Posted by liams mommy | Comments: (3) | Permalink

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH

Jun 23, 2010 10:10am (EST)

how frustrating- i just spent the last 30 minutes adding an entry, tried to add pictures (which were too large), and my entire entry was deleted!!!!!!

to recap, have been feeling blah lately. they placed Liams headstone last Thursday, and i thought i would have strong feelings one way or another, but i just feel blah. the stone is beautiful and exactly what we wanted, but that's it, nothing else. i'll try again attaching some pictures, we'll see??

my cycles are extremely frustrating. my temperatures have been slightly erratic, so i'm never sure when i ovulate. i have a temp spike, which will stay up for a couple days, but then i'll have a low temp, which then spikes again???? on top of that, i started spotting for the last four days, it started on day 25, but my temps are still up...wtf?

guess i need to remind myself that i am not in control, i am not in control, i am not in control!

anyway, just a bunch of rambling. really i just wanted to show the pics of the headstone....so much build up to this moment, and now it's here.

jennifer

megan- i just read your instant message, which i think you sent a week ago, sorry. i feel the same way!

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Posted by liams mommy | Comments: (4) | Permalink

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