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LIFE WITHOUT LIAM

liams mommy

June 2013

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2 YEARS

Aug 13, 2011 01:46pm (EST)

Today marks the 2 year anniversary of everything falling apart, the second time. Up to this point, i believed Liam's unexpected and traumatic birth to be one of the scariest days of my life. Little did i know that after leaving the NICU that friday afternoon I would soon receive the dreaded call from the hospital telling me to come back ASAP!!
This night two years ago was the most agonizing night of my life...there are no words, it was living hell.

I hate these milestones- i know they are unavoidable...it's part of my life forever, but i just don't know how to relive this night. on this night, my family became that accident you stare at on the side of the road, the one where you breath a sigh of relief as you pass by, thanking God that is not you or your family.

Liam's 2nd birthday was 18 days ago, and i believe my husband and i have done a decent job at 'celebrating' this day....we've included our entire family in celebrating Liam's life. but this today and tomorrow are so different. last year i got Liam's feet tattooed on my foot, and the pain i experienced during that 30 minute tattoo seemed very appropriate and fitting, i wanted it to hurt. My husband will be getting Liam's hands tattooed on his shoulder tomorrow, but we have nothing else planned....i'm not sure what to plan for such a sad day.

Jennifer B.

Liam- how has 2 years passed so quickly, yet so slowly. my life has never been such a rollar coaster since losing you. i crave to hold you, kiss you...even to dream of you....just a small sign to know your watching over us. to say i love you just doesn't seem enough.

IMG_1217

Posted by liams mommy | Comments: (8) | Permalink

SO UNFAIR!

Jul 22, 2011 07:45pm (EST)

my title pretty much sums up how i feel.... hsg & ultrasound results are in and i'm so disappointed.

positive: the surgery was a success (to an extent), and my scarring is lessened. the fundus (top of uterus) is great! this is very important b/c the fertility people say this is prime real este for an embryo to implant.

negative: i still have scarring....and i'm sooooooooo upset, disappointed, discouraged, angry, and really pissed off.

was so optimistic, i just new that the surgery back in May cleared everything up....i really really believed this....and now (big swallow & lots of tears), what do i do????

my doctor's opinion is that we clear the remaining scaring before ttc. i knew Dr. March was going to recommend this as soon as i saw the hsg results....but i live in Ohio, and he is in California.....i sorta put all my eggs in one basket (so to speak), when we went out there in May for the surgery. I was really gambling that everything would be cleared the first time. you see, he's out of network for my insurance, and i just don't have $4000 laying around for airline tickets, surgery and such.

could never get pregnant knowing that i still have scaring in my uterus....the consequences are too great. i lost Liam b/c of this....i could never proceed with another pregnancy unless i knew that everything was perfect. But not many doctors know much about asherman's, and could potentially do more harm that good....that's why i went out to LA for the first surgery.....so do i go into debt fixing myself or call it quits.....

how can life be so unfair, so unforgiving.....

Liam's 2nd birthday is 4 days away....my body is still disfunctional....

life sucks

Posted by liams mommy | Comments: (6) | Permalink

AF HAS ARRIVED....YIPEEEE

Jul 13, 2011 11:07am (EST)

I can't believe i would actually be excited for the arrival of AF, but i am soooo excited that she's here!
I just finished up my last estrogen pill last friday since my surgery back on the 19th of may, 50 days!!! after surgery my doctor said we should hope for a very heavy period after the hormone therapy, and he was right, it worked!!! i hope this isn't tmi, but this is the 'best period' i've had since before Bella was conceived, Feb 2007. scheduled my HSG for next Tuesday and an ultrasound for the following friday for lining thickness- these tests will tell us if the surgery was a success. can't wait. just maybe we might be able to start trying this month???? we'll see. Jennifer

Posted by liams mommy | Comments: (7) | Permalink

SUMMER'S HERE

Jun 28, 2011 12:31am (EST)

I just can’t believe summer is in full swing; I really wish I could find the pause button because life is moving too quickly!!! At my support group meeting last week, the director was ending the session with a question: are you better or worse this month than last? that’s when it hit me that summer is here, and July is right around the corner; the significance being Liam’s birthday and death day are quickly approaching. I remember the anticipation of July 26th was overwhelming last year, significantly worse than the actual day itself…I should know better, but I guess some things never change (or at least don’t change that quickly). I had an overwhelming sense of not being prepared- I haven’t knitted any newborn hats since Christmas, and haven’t began my preemie clothes shopping for the NICU…and of course dealing with the realization that Liam WOULD HAVE BEEN 2 years old….so much has been lost

.
My answer at the meeting was- I feel I am moving forward in life and I’m overall better than last month, but afraid the upcoming months might change that. I’m not sure why, but Liam’s birthday seems more difficult to me than the day he died….so weird to say, and I’m not sure why this is??? The day he was born was so traumatic, and the NICU stay was even more traumatic…I think I have a hard time separating out the day I met my son for the first time, and the agonizing series of events in the NICU which ultimately lead to his death….I’m not sure I’ve really dealt with those feelings yet either. The short 19 days he spent in the hospital were some of the hardest days I’ve ever had to endure. BIG HUGE Sigh. I just can’t believe it’s been nearly two years since I said good-bye to my sweet baby boy.

…my trip to LA went well. Dr. March was great and the surgery went off without a hitch. The septum/scar tissue turned out to be additional scar tissue, which wasn’t great news since the top of the uterus is where potential embryos would implant, but he said he believes he removed all the adhesions. Of course we won’t know for sure until I have my follow-up HSG next month; hopefully scar free, fingers crossed!
I’ve established myself with another RE in Ohio to perform all the follow-up care, and he seems really great! I’m taking 4mg of Estrogen for 50 days post surgery to promote uterine lining growth and then Dr. Scheiber (the new guy) will perform the HSG and mid-cycle lining ultrasound to see how things look. If Dr. March gives us the green light, Dr. Scheiber recommends we proceed more aggressively with TTC before the scarring has a chance to return and b/c some of my hormone #s weren’t looking that great. I guess my egg quantity/quality is deteriorating (hard to believe at 33 I’m on the down hill slide), and that might be contributing to my shortened luteal phase.
Anyway, if he would have suggested drugs and IUI 6 months ago, I would have said you’re crazy, but I’m so tired of trying….i’m not sure I could handle another year of TTC with no luck, the roller coaster of emotions from month to month, wondering if it’s a bfp or bfn…….and now to worry about the re-growth of scarring and the potentially tragic consequences that could bring… I can’t go there again! Anyway, so much has happened, but really just more waiting!

Bella participated in vacation bible school last week. She’s a little young, only 3, but they let her come anyway and she really liked it!! I love when she’s able to play with other children and make new friends, it’s too cute! We’ll be flying down to Florida at the beginning of August to spend a couple days with my Grandma, Aunt, Uncle and cousins. My Grandma had a stroke last month and is doing okay, but she’s 89 and this stroke has really set her back. Prior to the stroke she was still very independent, living in her own apartment, but now is moving into an assisted living facility. I really wanted to see her and wanted Bella to see her so we decided to go down for a long weekend. Bella’s really excited to play with my cousins kids, see her Nana, and build a sand castle. We decided to buy my grandma's car too, so we’ll be driving back home….I hope Bella will tolerate the car seat for the 13 hour ride???

btw- the golf outing went great. the weather was a bit contrary at the start, but things cleared up and we were able to get all 18 holes in! overall we raised more money than last year even with with a couple less teams. We'll be heading down to the hospital for the official check signing contribution in the coming weeks ($5500!!!!). Dr. Scheibler also had great news to share at the event regarding the research that's currently underway...they're working on some incredible things, including a new breakthrough where they created functioning human intestinal tissue in the lab from stem cells! this is a huge breakthrough for NEC! they've also had success in determining the specific gene which will increase a babies likelyhood of developing NEC.

I hope all my share friends are doing well….I know I haven’t been blogging much lately, hence the ridiculously long blog tonight, but I’ve been trying to keep up with everyone else’s blogs. Take care, and please if you're so inclined send some positive thoughts and prayers my way for next month

!

Jennifer

Posted by liams mommy | Comments: (3) | Permalink

RANDOM EVIL THOUGHTS...

May 11, 2011 06:31pm (EST)

So i'm checking up on fb, which can be difficult lately as i see so many new babies and their smiling happy family's....and it occurs to me that when i see photos of family's with a 3 year old and a new baby i feel like they are living my life, or at least the life i should be living, like it was stolen from me. I literally feel like i'm looking down through a glass window and screaming that should be my life, my kids...but no one can hear me. those feelings of pain, envy, loss all come flooding back, as i come back to reality and realize i will never be living that life...that Liam was robbed of that life. when I see smiling faces of siblings, i can't help but wonder what awful thing i've done to strip this dream from Bella and Liam.

Yuck, i hate these feelings!

Jennifer

Posted by liams mommy | Comments: (4) | Permalink

HERE WE GO...

Apr 15, 2011 10:38pm (EST)

Tomorrow is my local march for babies event, and I think it’s going to rain again this year

. As they say, we’ll make lemonade out of lemons

. I really can’t believe the support and generosity of my friends and family, they’ve really pulled through this year again. Just a couple weeks ago my fundraising was at about $400, and my goal is $1900…today I’m so happy to announce I’m less than $200 from hitting our goal. Such a great feeling!

I’ve also been very busy planning our annual golf outing for next month with my dad. We’ve been getting lots of donations from local companies and our golfing roaster is nearly filled to the max. Last years event was such a fun time, great weather, and lots of money raised; so I’m hoping this year will be even better! Last year the director of the neonatal clinical research program at Cincy Children’s came to our outing dinner and gave a speech about NEC and the research their doing at the hospital. My dad talked to him recently to see if he wanted to come again, and he said yes

! He also said that he has some very good news to share!!!! So I’m eager to hear what he has to say!

As for as me and my dysfunctional reproductive organs, well there’s been much progress! After my pre-op appt. with my ex-doctor which I talked about in my last post, I was feeling very defeated and lost. I did indeed call the office the next morning and explain very clearly why I was canceling my surgery and never stepping into their office again. The days following that phone call were pretty difficult though…I had NO idea where to turn to next…eventually I ended up on the web and stumbled across an Asherman’s support group website, thank God! There was so much information for me to sift through and many supportive comments and suggestions from women who have gone through exactly the same situation. I realized that firing my doctor was probably the best thing I could have done, b/c if we had proceeded with the surgery he could have potentially made things worst by his lack of experience; he only performs this surgery maybe once a year. So after much thought and deliberation, I decided to contact a doctor in California who has performed this surgery over 1400 times and is probably the leading doctor treating Asherman’s patients in the country. Honestly, I’m so sick and tired of questioning my doctors, and not trusting my doctors…I just wanted to go to the best, I wanted to see someone that I could completely trust, someone who can really fix me.
My surgery is scheduled for May 19th; my husband and I will be flying to LA on the 17th and coming home on the 21st. Lucky for us, his cousin lives about an hour south of LA and has invited us to stay with her for the duration of our visit.
I’m so eager to go out there and get this all taken care of….but I’m still worried that after I’m healed and ready for baby making again, it won’t happen. After 11 months of trying, I feel pretty discouraged when I think about ttc again.
I’m trying not to focus on that right now though, just the immediate…but sometimes my mind wonders.

If I don’t post before then, I’m hoping all goes well and I’ll have great news to share with everyone soon.
Take care,
Jennifer

Posted by liams mommy | Comments: (5) | Permalink

UPDATE

Mar 23, 2011 12:35am (EST)

lets start with the positive- meeting my new niece was truly great this afternoon! my fear and anxiety instantly fell away once i saw her....i was able to disconnect myself and Liam from this brand new sweet baby girl, what a relief.
They named her Addison Rose, and she has more black hair than i've ever seen on a baby, lol!

now onto the not so good- i'm firing my doctor....if that's even possible?? tomorrow morning i'm calling the office and cancelling my surgery. couldn't believe how rude and arrogant he was this afternoon; i've never gotten the warm and fuzzy feelings with him, but i just figured he's a doctor and that's that. So here's the quick version...he's running through the procedure, covering all the bases. we begin to talk about the instruments he will use and i questioned one in particular and said i wasn't sure i wanted him to use it. (i could tell that upset him). any discussion/questions cease at this point and he shoves some paper work in my face and tells me to sign. i then tell him i want to look over my list of questions to make sure we covered everything and here's his response, quote "well hurry up because i'm already runnning 10 minutes late". didnt' even know what to say at this point, what he said and HOW he said it was so rude. so i said that was it and he jumped up and left the room. didn't open the door for us, didn't see us out...he was gone. i left the office crying. i've never had a doctor treat me that way. back to square one- this sucks.

Posted by liams mommy | Comments: (4) | Permalink

HERE WE GO....

Mar 22, 2011 12:22am (EST)

It's going to be a big week- and i'm not sure i'm ready for it.

Tomorrow my niece/nephew will be born, my brother's second baby. And i also have a pre-op appointment to discuss the hysteroscopic/laparoscopic surgery this friday for my Asherman's......breath.
I've been an emotional basket case the last couple weeks with my sil's and bff's approaching due dates. I'm trying so hard to not make this about me, to celebrate with them...but man has it been hard. Tomorrow i'm going to pull it together, suck it up, and walk into that hospital with a smile on my face. i'm going to forget my fertility woes, forget my problems, and be happy for them...or at least that's the plan, lol.
As far as my pre-op appt- i'm sooooo nervous....i'm scared. i've been reading alot about Asherman's, and the prognnosis after surgery isn't necesarrily great....and so much of it depends on the abilities and expertise of your surgeon. another big sigh.
I've come to realize that i probably developed this after i had Bella and the subsequent D&C, and the Asherman's lead to the preterm labor with Liam.
I thought knowing what happened with him might bring some relief...but now i'm not so sure.
Regardless- i may never be able to get pregnant or successfully carry another baby to term due to this f***king disease and i'm pissed! I'm so mad that the doctors who performed both D&C's knew this risks and never felt it was important enough to mention. That they never considered Asherman's after what happened with Liam and the difficuluty trying to concieve again because quote "that's too rare of a disease". arrrrggghhhh.

So, here we go....

Posted by liams mommy | Comments: (4) | Permalink

RESULTS ARE IN...

Feb 22, 2011 10:34pm (EST)

Yes i have Asherman's syndrome...not as bad as he thought it was going to be (i guess that's a good thing), but quote "more than moderate".
my entire uterus isn't stuck together (yay!), but the left wall is completely covered in scar tissue

. he also said i have something strange on the top of my uterus...not sure if it's more scar tissue or a septum. so basically 2/3 of my uterus sucks!

The Plan: ttc is on hold for the next couple/few (???) months. i'll have laproscopic surgery to correct the adhesions & septum during the first part of my next cycle, which will be in a month or less. and then let the healing begin....

hate my screwed up, stupid uterus...why can't it just be normal like everything else?

Posted by liams mommy | Comments: (4) | Permalink

BUSY, BUSY, BUSY

Feb 22, 2011 02:09am (EST)

So much has transpired since my last blog only one month ago- where to begin, hmmm….

Jason and I have found a support group only ten minutes from our house and it’s AMAZING!!! I sorta stumbled upon it back during Christmas when I was looking for an Angle of Hope statue to visit that was closer to my house. It’s sooooo different (and better

) than our first support group we attended only months after Liam died! I attended the first meeting back in January by myself b/c we couldn’t find a sitter at the last minute, but left that meeting feeling alive! Jason and I both attended the meeting last week and he really, really like it too. I feel so grateful to have found this group and the couples who attend- I really think we may become lifelong friends!

Bella started swim lessons at the beginning of February- and she’s loving them! I’ve been meaning to sign her up for months, but I’ve let time slip away….so it was such a relief to finally get off my butt and get it done. Honestly though, I know why I’ve been dragging my feet about this- the one and only time Bella has done anything extra-curricular was swim classes a year and a half ago- smack dab in the middle of losing Liam. I was still pregnant with him during Bella’s first class, and it was one of those mommy, daddy, baby classes where we actually swam with her….we have pictures of me, Bella and Liam in my belly so happy…so not expecting our world to come crashing down a week later.
So anyways, I suppose that’s why I have been dragging my feet….but it feels good to have overcome that obstacle…and I’m sure Bella is thrilled mommy got over it too.

So my blog title is busy, busy, busy because my DH is out of town until next Monday, and he’s been gone since last Thursday! With work, swimming, and my doctors appts it’s been crazy!!! I salute all the single mothers out there because it sure is hard work!
I really, really miss Jason though- I can’t remember when the last time we were separated for this long of a period, definitely not since Liam died. I’m not sure if it the stress from my upcoming doctor appt tomorrow, or if I just miss him…but I sure have felt down for the last few days. Can’t wait for him to return!

Now, on to the doctor’s appts: since my last blog I finally called the fertility doctor I was recommended to, and have probably been to their office five times in the last four weeks (including today), and still have an appt tomorrow and then again on Friday. Now let me say, that just going to see him for a diagnostic appt was mentally hard to overcome…but now to have had, and still have so many appts, I just feel sooooo worn down and overwhelmed.
Nevertheless, my appt tomorrow is probably going to be the most important of all. He’s doing an HSG, which is where they inject dye into my uterus to check the cavity as well as fallopian tubes. Due to my previously dysfunctional placentas and subsequent D&C’s, he thinks my uterus has sustained so much damage that it is scarred and basically sticking together…also known as Asherman’s Syndrome. I feel like this past month has yielded no answers to any of my questions, only opening up the way for more questions…but tomorrow should yield some cold hard facts- a YES or a NO.
This is weird to say, and I hope it doesn’t come across wrong, but if the answer is yes I think it might bring some temporary relief. It will finally be an answer to why my body is soooo screwed up and hasn’t been able to conceive over the last year. Logically I realize an Asherman’s diagnosis is not a good thing and should be avoided…but that leaves me with just more questions.

Regardless, things are happening and I’ve been trying my best just to sit back and roll with the punches. I’ve been trying not to overanalyze test results or sono results…and doing pretty good. But tomorrow is the big day- I’m hoping for a positive outcome, whatever that might be.

Now to the hard stuff…I can’t believe that we’re almost in March, and I’m not just saying that b/c time flies so quickly…March is when my SIL is due (the 22nd to be exact) and my BFF only a week later. I knew this day was coming, but honestly I believed I would be pregnant right now too, and that maybe my pregnancy would help lessen the pain I feel when I see them.
I’ve come to realize that if I’m left to my own devices, I’ll isolate myself from them so I don’t have to feel the pain. But if I force myself to be around them (or at least talking on the phone to my bff about her pregnancy), it does eventually get easier, the pain does subside. It’s just that I keep slipping back into the detachment mode.

My SIL is a pretty intuitive person (sometimes

), and I think has deduced this behavior of mine. We had a frank conversion about her upcoming c-section; wondering if I might be able to watch Aaron (their son) the night before and bring him to the hospital the next day…IF I’m able. It’s nice to know she realizes how hard this is going to be for me….if she hadn’t said anything I would have continued on in isolation, probably not going to the hospital, and who knows when I would have made it to their house.
In the end, I agreed.
I’m going to take Aaron to the hospital that afternoon, and they’ve made arrangements for everyone to leave the room when Aaron arrives because they want family time with just Aaron and baby…of course, the real reason is that she knows it’s going to be hard on me, and didn’t want me to have to deal with everyone else in the room while I’m having a moment- I might be a crying fool …the good thing is, she realizes how bittersweet this moment is going to be and she was the one to suggest getting everyone else out of the room.
Regardless, I’m sorta dreading March 22nd. I know that’s horrible to say, but it’s going to be soooo hard.

Jennifer

to my sweet baby Liam- mommy misses you so much and thinks about you everyday. we got a special book for your big sister that's all about her baby brother- she loves reading it and saying her special Liam night-night prayers. love you so much- mommy

Posted by liams mommy | Comments: (4) | Permalink

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