March of Dimes

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lvazquez

March 2010

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OUR ANGELVERSARY TODAY

Mar 06, 2010 09:04am (EST)

It was one year ago that our baby Naethyn was delivered just after midnight on Friday, March 6th, 2009. Just moments after waking up from surgery, the nurses were asking us if we wanted to hold him. I remember one nurse just before they put my son in my arms, she said, "He's perfect." I recall thinking that there was still some hope and that he somehow survived. They handed me my son and then I knew that my prayers could not be answered.

This morning is like any other morning for me. There's the daily morning routine of getting the kids dressed, changed, and fed breakfast. It's weird to think a year ago I was not in my house doing those things, but at the hospital saying hello and see you later to my third son. I was very angry last night. I remember the sequence of events that night as if they had just happened. I am still so very angry at my OB. There's nothing I can do. I'm alive though, so I should be thankful that I am living to see my other sons grow up. Sometimes the guilt for that is a bit over-
whelming, but I am getting better about it.

We are not ready to let go of his ashes. I'm not ready to let go of him. We had planned on perhaps scattering them today in CA, but we knew weeks ago that it wasn't going to happen (this year). I know there's no rush.

We're trying to get the house picked up this morning and then we are going to head out with the kids and just see where the day takes us. I want them to have a good day today as today is special - their little brother's "birthday."

Posted by lvazquez | Comments: (4) | Permalink

MARCH OF DIMES

Mar 04, 2010 08:08am (EST)

Last Saturday, we went to the Phoenix Zoo for the Family Teams kick off for the March of Dimes. It felt nice to be among others who have experienced the NICU or dealt with a loss. I had tears when we were asked to yell "SAVE BABIES." Yeah, save babies. I wish someone could've saved ours. It's been a year since I felt that last kick and flip inside me. I am so convinced that is when he died. Of course, we delivered 48 hours later and he was already gone. He was so cute, so strong, and I really wish that he was here.

Last night I was playing Star Wars Monopoly with my 4 year old. My 2 year old finally went to bed and I have to remind my oldest to use a quiet voice when we play, so that he doesn't wake up his brother. I had kind of a flash forward thought of an alternate life. I was thinking how I'd have 2 little ones sleeping while we played Monopoly and how rare playing a board game would be depending on who was up and the kids' sleeping schedules, etc.

I know that I'd be totally exhausted at the end of each day, but I was really looking forward to it all. I was so READY and CONFIDENT as a mom. I have all of this baby stuff and while part of me is ready to have a garage sale because I'm tired of looking at it, I'm not ready to let go of it. I want what I can't have. I've thought about whether or not I'd want to use the same baby stuff if another baby were to come into our lives (through surrogacy or adoption). All of these things were intended for someone else. My husband has suggested to perhaps sell everything and put whatever monies in a separate account to be used later for new baby stuff or something else. I've thought about doing a garage sale fundraiser and giving the proceeds to MOD, but I don't know if I can stomach watching people buy my baby items or how I'd feel when I returned home and things were gone. It's that next step that I'm afraid to take.

We are walking again this year. It was nice to see that the baby scrapbooking pages I had made were in the album at the sign in desk. The boys really enjoyed the Zoo too and there were some animals that had been brought out that the kids could touch. I have started to pass out flyers at various elementary and high schools in our District to make sure that everyone knows about the upcoming Jeans Day. Unfortunately, the day given to us falls on the Friday before Spring Break where most will already be wearing jeans. Some schools have agreed to have it on that Thursday while other schools are doing a "Purple Day." I'm hitting more schools today and tomorrow. I'm making cupcakes for some of the schools in an effort to raise pocket change as well.

I'm trying to be proactive. I probably sound like I'm handling everything just fine. I'm sure that I'm depressed. There are those days where I've had my 2 cups of coffee, but after 3 hours or so, I could totally go back to bed, but can't because I have children to watch. I still cry everyday, sometimes more than that. I hate driving home at night alone. That will probably remain a trigger for me. I don't look forward to sitting Saturdays for date night because of that. If these people only knew . . .

We have some plans for Saturday, our "angelversary." We'll take our kids out to a museum and then maybe take them to Chuck E. Cheese's and let them play some ski ball and stomp the spider. They LOVE those two games! I already have some cake mix, frosting, 1 year old candle, and some 1st Birthday napkins. I think we're set:)

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Posted by lvazquez | Comments: (2) | Permalink

2-19-09

Feb 24, 2010 09:53am (EST)

This was our last prenatal visit and the last time I heard a heartbeat. I remember it like it just happened! I brought my husband and our 2 boys along because I wanted this new OB to meet my family, to see my precious kids who beat the odds and made it! I told her nurse of my symptoms of severe swelling in my feet and hands, the fatigue, the shortness of breath, the feeling that the pre-eclampsia was starting. I was 28 weeks along. I told the OB the same stuff when she came into the room. She had toys in there for the kids and they were busy playing as she asked questions about them, etc.

I remember her holding the little machine so that we could hear the heartbeat and she was really giving it a long listen. This wasn't for any particular reason, but I remember being annoyed a bit and thinking, "Yeah, that's great, but I'm not going to be happy until I hold the baby." I was annoyed as I easily get because she wasn't taking my concerns seriously and the wait to see her was long, so my BPs were a bit high. Who knew that it would be the last time I'd hear his little heart? Urgh, my son!

It was my OB's 40th birthday and really, I'm convinced that she was thinking about her dinner plans that night and maybe something else. She just didn't take my symptoms seriously and I was relying on someone to tell me for a third time that okay, you're done. You need to go to the hospital now OR let's do a 24-hour protein screen to be sure OR let's have you start coming in on a weekly basis just in case. NOTHING. I was at home with my 2 kids, waiting for the next appointment, waiting to go to the hospital, waiting . . .

After that last prenatal appointment, we took our boys to Chuck E. Cheese's. They earned enough tickets with dad's help to get cotton candy. I let them share it and eat it in the car on the way home. They were so sticky and knew that wasn't a god idea, but I thought it's fine. I'll just put them in the bathtub when we get home and I can take a wet wipe and clean the mess. No biggie.

That weekend I got a pedicure. I assumed that I'd be going in for at least one more before I delivered, but that didn't happen. We also bought another full size bed because we knew our 2nd would need to give up his crib in the next few months and were looking to transition him with a side rail attachment. Sigh.

I hate my OB. She didn't do anything to help me. Sure, when they called her at home to tell her that I was at the hospital and was hemmoraging and no heartbeat, she came quickly and finally did her job to deliver the baby. I will never forget the look on her face when she came in before I was wheeled away to the surgery floor. YES, YOU MESSED UP OB. It was Thursday, March 5th and I called her to tell her my symptoms AGAIN and this time I was sure that something wasn't right. What did she say to me? "It's still too early Lindsay, rest, get help with the kids during the day, drink plenty of fluids, watch your salt, and maybe try and get to a community pool or a gym (for some hydrotherapy I told her)." Five hours later, severe cramps and chills. Drove self to hospital approaching midnight, water broke en route, blood everywhere when I changed into gown, no heartbeat, delivered the next morning.

My hubby and father got to the hospital while I was still in surgery. My husband had so many opportunities to hold our son when he still looked fresh and new, but he refused. Sometimes I am so angry that he didn't take advantage because I felt like I had to share my time with him and didn't get to hold our son for as long as I would've liked. Thank goodness some kind nurses took pictures immediately after delivery so I have that. I wasn't conscious for this delivery, so I don't know what went on. I only know from the medical report of the surgical sequence of events. Expressions such as "no cardiac activity" and "no fetal movement" really hurt.

We just celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary. I married my high school sweetheart, so we've been together for a long time. We did go out to an early dinner. I swap with a friend. Neither one of us can afford the dinner out and the sitter, so we decided to start swapping hours. We both have our Master's degrees, she is working on her second, but we both quit our jobs for different reasons last year and financially, we're in the same boat. It's nice to talk to someone who gets that too.

HBO, what's that? Expanded movie tier? Huh? Those things got cut out of our budget awhile ago along with other things when I made the decision to stay home. It's pretty cheap to live in Arizona, more so than in California, but there isn't room for too much else. My 4 year old saw some change ($.15) in the parking lot on our way into the grocery store and I told him to pick it up. He put it in his piggy bank when he got home. He loves Thomas the Train (wooden ones) and they ain't cheap. He knows I am sitting for families and sometimes asks me, "Mommy, you got a job?" He knows I have to have a job, if he expects to get (earn) another train. Anything for my kids:)

Posted by lvazquez | Comments: (3) | Permalink

CARE GIGS

Feb 14, 2010 10:44am (EST)

While on my LOA, I decided to start doing care gigs. It is so strange as this is NOT what I imagined myself to be doing at all. I am mostly accepting care gigs at night, so that other couples can have a date night. I laugh to myself when they say, "We just really need some alone time together" or "We haven't gone out as a couple in such a long time." Right. It is so strange to be referred to as the "babysitter." Each family is different: blended families, single parents, single child, twins, etc. It's really helping me to appreciate what I have at home. I think other than the cash, I am gaining a lot of perspective because you do get to see how other people live and manage their lives.

Here's what I hate and I know that they're just going off of their lame list of interview questions, but can you have a heart or at least adjust your line of questioning? On the phone, I mentioned to one parent my reason for my LOA because she had an 8-month old and thought it best to tell her. WRONG! At the sit down interview, she asked me if I had any experience with infants?! I gave her a few seconds to hope that she would catch herself, but totally oblivious. We were also talking about my rate if she brought her kids to me. She asked me things like, "Do you have a crib or a pack n' play?" "What about a high chair?" I wanted to scream and say yes stupid, I have EVERYTHING that a baby would need as I was expecting one last year!!! People are so self-absorbed. She couldn't imagine what it's been like for us. She doesn't know the hell that I am living and the daily struggle to pull it together for the sake of my other kids.

In the end, this particular parent didn't choose me for an upcoming job, but is hoping to use me in the future as a backup. Guess what I am about to tell her?! It's funny, but parents who are care seeker sometimes don't understand that we are interviewing and screening them as well. If I don't feel comfortable, I do not accept. I don't need any additional stress in my life right now. I need easy gigs, no hype, and no personality conflicts. I sat for a family last night and the kids couldn't remember my name. When they asked a third time, I almost wanted to reply, "babysitter." Of course, I didn't and told them my name. One mom was asking me the ages of my kids and remarked that 4 and 2 was probably easier than 8, 4, and 2. She said to me, "the dynamic is really different when you have three." Oblivious . . .

One of my mom friends, who is also in her 30's, is doing care gigs too. As I vent some of my frustration to her, she kindly reminds me that this is only temporary. I applaud people who are nannies for a living. I love children, but I don't see myself doing this for x number of years (months).

Posted by lvazquez | Comments: (4) | Permalink

HE WAS FINALLY IN MY DREAMS

Feb 06, 2010 12:33pm (EST)

I've read how some women see and talk to their angels in their dreams. I had yet to experience this until Thursday night. I had been talking A LOT about him that night with my husband after our other boys went to bed. I don't know what else I had been dreaming about, but toward the end of my slumber, my son appeared. He was about 6 months old and was wearing a sleeper. His eyes were open and remember looking straight into his face as he was blinking away calmly. I said, "Oh, so that's what they look like." And then I didn't see his mouth move, but he said to me, "Am I dead?" I was really nervous and kind of scared at this point which is probably why I woke up soon after. I looked at him and I said, "Yes. Yes, you are." And I woke up. Weird, but I am so grateful for that dream. Perhaps it's my sub-conscious processing and starting to accept his death. I am approaching the one year mark and he is everywhere right now. A year ago yesterday, we had what was to be our last ultrasound. He was moving around so much and so active. Anyway, a very nice dream and very special for me. I am going to interpret it as he is doing okay, wherever he is.

Posted by lvazquez | Comments: (2) | Permalink

DR. E IS THE MAN

Jan 31, 2010 09:00am (EST)

I finally decided to talk with a different perinatologist about my pregnancy which ended tragically last March. I was able to see the OB who delivered my first son by chance back in '05. I didn't know it at the time, but he is one of the best doctors in the country and is recognized world-wide. I guess he decided to take over my care and would deliver me in the event that I needed to deliver the baby early, and we did.

I remember him telling me on the table that it was good thing that my regular OB had me admitted. The placenta was oddly small and I would have started to experience symptoms that something was wrong. With everything that happened almost a year ago, I know exactly what those symptoms are.

I needed to talk with him and ask him about the things that went wrong and/or overlooked. The expression on his face when I told him about my never having a 24-urine screen with my last pregnancy was priceless. It was all the validation that I needed right there on his face. That should have been done. It would have indicated that something was wrong. And not peeing in a cup for over 2 weeks was so stupid and negletful. My words, not his.

He apologized for not quite remembering me. I wasn't seeing him as his patient, so I wouldn't expect him too. I figured that he remembers cases and scenarios more. He really deals more with high-risk multiples, not singletons. I was able to ask about future pregnancies with the help of IVF and me as the carrier. While he didn't say no, he and I discussed that the risks would be higher. And because I came close to not making it last time, is that something that we really want to do? No, I don't want to die. If I had been given the choice, my baby or me, I would have given up my space for him hands down. I didn't get to choose.

So, surrogacy is the better, safer way for us to go. He was so positive about it. He knows that I'm a planner and that I had done my research. He was so easy to talk to and talked to me like a real person. I was kicking myself for not seeking him out earlier last year when I really felt like I had nowhere to go. Urgh.
It was a really good consultation. He could tell that I had been beating myself up for a long time. He was sorry that I had to go through any of it.

We also talked about the Heprin recommendation that was suggested by the perinatologist I was seeing early last year. He was really hesitant and took his time before he responded to that one. He said no. He wouldn't have put me on it and wouldn't put me on it if were were to try again with IVF, but he would consult all his peeps to see what that consensus was. I felt good about NOT doing the Heprin. I just felt so weary having NOT done it with the two other pregnancies. I have no family history and no previous history of blood clots. It was such a toss up, but not enough research to say either way.

I felt better after leaving his office. In the event we do expand our family by way of surrogacy or adoption, he wanted an update. I thought it was sweet for him to say that and actually care. I am breathing a bit easier now and I know where my focus is. I'm taking it one day at a time. I'm going to get some things done with the rest of my time off, so I can feel some sense of accomplishment. If I can get back to work next Fall, I'll be on my way.

Posted by lvazquez | Comments: (2) | Permalink

A NEW YEAR, A NEW OB

Jan 13, 2010 07:57am (EST)

On Monday, I had an OB appt. with my new OB. I chose a completely different practice and felt somewhat comfortable until filling out the paperwork where you have to indicate how many pregnancies, viable, stillborn, etc. So now, I write 3,2, and 1. It is so strange because I can remember exactly what I was doing, saying to people, everything this time last year. I feel as if I have lost a year of my life. I don't even know where 2009 went. You are waiting for a baby and everything that is involved with it and then when it's not that way, you almost don't know what to do with yourself.

I was just there for a routine physical. I need to keep up with them and I want my medical record to show that I've had consistant paps in the event we can do a surrogate down the road. Anyway, it was funny to watch the nurse at the wait station pick up my chart, look at a few of the pages, stare out at me with this look of OMG and call out my name to be brought back. My OB wanted to chat with me a bit before she did the exam and I knew that I'd cry in reliving the events. She came in the room kind of slowly clutching my complete medical record to her chest. It can't be easy for OB's to read horrible news like that and meet with patients that have been through hell.

She was nice, she listened, and she assured me that the OB who had delivered me was a good doctor. They all know each other of course, so she defended her colleague a bit. That's fine. I know how it all happened and I wish that things could be different. She agreed that Heprin perhaps would have made things even more difficult (death) had I been on it with my abruption. So, she told me that I should definitely talk with a perinatologist (the same one who delivered my first son) and get more of my questions answered. Questions such as "Am I too high risk with this Leiden V and MTHFR to even take IVF meds? Both IVF docs said that I would be monitored and have Lovenox injections for a time. With my poor obstetrical history, I was told that using a surrogate would be the safest way to go for both me and baby. So, I am looking forward to that appt. when I can sit down with the man who delivered my first son by chance. He's one of the best and I would trust what he tells me.

Can I tell you just how strange it is to be in one exam room and hear ultrasound machines going in another? I don't even know how to feel about that. You just want the OB to hurry up so you can get out of there. I don't get mad when I see pregnant people. I think, LUCKY is all. I loved being pregnant! I do feel a bit empty inside and I don't think that will ever go away regardless of how many children we have. I think the pain is always with you, but in time, you find (better) ways to deal with it, so that you can get by.

I do have a picture of our son in our bedroom and it's funny how both of my boys always go to that picture. I have other pictures on my nightstand, but they only pick up that one. My oldest says baby and hugs the frame. He knows that is his brother and that mommy is sad. Kids are so smart! When my oldest catches me crying, he says, "Mommy are you sad?" He knows why and he gives me a hug and kiss. A few months after we lost Naethyn, my oldest saw some tears in my eyes and out of the blue said, "That's okay mommy. You can get a new one." If only it were that easy. I will always remember him saying that.

Well, I feel like a jumped another hurdle in my journey through grief. I think that's a good sign:)

Posted by lvazquez | Comments: (2) | Permalink

FINAL RESTING PLACE

Jan 04, 2010 04:59pm (EST)

Hi Share friends-

It's 2010 already and yet, I can remember exactly what I was doing a year ago to the day. Urgh. I don't know if this is strange, but it has been bothering me A LOT. Honestly, when we lost our baby it was such a shock that we didn't know what to do when it came to the funeral arrangements. No one was there to guide us. My father did go with my husband to the funeral home to discuss "options," but unfortunately, my hubby went with the cheapest person in the world.

We knew that we wanted to do cremation, and I would have preferred a nice white box with our son's name on it. However, they chose the cheapo cardboard box which reads "TEMPORARY" and I've had the ashes in my closet high on a shelf for 10 months. It's driving me nutz! I can't let him stay like that. I'm sorry, I just can't. I was hoping to know where I wanted to place his ashes by his due date last May 14th, but I wasn't ready to let him go. Am I ready now? To be honest, I don't think I'll ever be able to let him go. I want him here with me, but he died. That huge flip and kick was his last moments of life on 3/3. Took me 24 hours more to put it all together and realize that something wasn't right. Urgh.

We're from CA and we visit often. Naethyn was a pisces and I think we'll be putting our little fish back into the ocean on his "angelversary." I'm looking into the arrangements and when I imagine how it'll play out, I feel satisfied with it. At the moment, I don't have plans to include anyone except our little family of four. I realize that I don't need to rush anything here and that I could hang on to his ashes for awhile longer, but I think I am ready to take that next step. Still crying every day, a lot when I think of plans such as this. I'll keep you posted . . .

Posted by lvazquez | Comments: (5) | Permalink

SURROGACY LAW

Dec 15, 2009 03:53pm (EST)

Well SHARE friends, I don't know if I mentioned this before, but my husband and I visited an IVF clinic in CA as well as their surrogacy agency counterpart this past June. I can't believe that I am having to look into this to complete my family or that I am using words such as "gestational" and "intended parent," but I am.

Each place spent over 2 hours talking with us for FREE. Geez, I had to pay $150 for a 20-minute consult with an IVF guy here in my town and I could barely understand him with his accent. I fare pretty well being a foreign language teacher most of the time, but I was really leaning my ear in as close as possible listening to every word. I have health insurance, but this of course isn't covered. Bill Gates, want to pay for my IVF??? I hear his female employees are covered for IVF. I wonder what research has been done on computer/electrical parts causing miscarriage? Hmm . . .

Anyway, in my state our names would not be on the birth certificate. Even though there would be no genetic link, it's whomever gives birth and the name of her husband (if she's married) that go on the birth certificate. Then we would have to do an adoption or a step-parent adoption (if she's single and unmarried). With a home-stay and court appearances and the judge requesting to see a copy of the surrogacy agreement and it can only be so many dollars, etc. Headache!

In CA, the intended parents' names go on the birth certificate from the beginning. It's legal there and that sounds good to me. I can't have the word "criminal" and educator in the same sentence. No, oh no.

So, since June, I have been e-mailing my questions to the agency and reading up on the whole thing. This particular agency is cream of the crop and the cost is tremendous, but it is something that we are considering. I keep checking in with my husband to see where his head is and he sees more kids in our future. We would have to finance this and I'm crunching numbers trying to see how soon we'd realistically be able to do it.

I have a password to the database, so I am able to view available surrogates and read all of their medical history, how many kids, previous surrogacy arrangements, those stats, feeback, EVERYTHING. I am asking all of the right questions and the agency is informing me of what I don't know or hadn't thought of. They are there if we need them and I like that. I never cared much for science in school and now I'm game!

At times I feel as though I don't deserve anymore children, but I know that's not true. I keep thinking "a biological imperative." It would be great if I had a sister who was offering or that trusted friend, but I don't. This is what we'll have to do if this is truly what we decide. Only time, a full-time teaching contract, and a realistic interest rate will tell.

Posted by lvazquez | Comments: (4) | Permalink

ANOTHER MEMORY MILESTONE

Dec 12, 2009 09:03am (EST)

I guess I am still doing the "it was this time last year when . . . " stuff. I am very aware of the dates and what I was doing this time last year. A year ago yesterday we had our ultrasound and found out that we were going to have a third musketeer. We didn't have to wait for the technician to tell us. We saw it for ourselves and I looked at my husband and I told him that I think I see outdoor plumbing:) We were right! I will never forget that day as long as live! It was a great day! I remember calling my parents to tell them, going out to lunch afterwards, and I even did some x-mas shopping on my own that evening. I was so happy!

Still crying at least once a day. Funny where and when it hits you.

I did something last weekend that I can't believe I did. I'm on a sitting website for extra cash and there was a French family that posted a need for someone French speaking over a month ago. I had been e-mailing with the mother several times. They had a 5 year old boy and a 2 1/2 month old baby boy. Yes, I actually sat for the family. I really can't believe I did that, but I did. It felt great to hold a baby. I wanted so much to tell this woman what I had been through, but I didn't. It's funny how it all comes back to you: the intermittant burping, the small diapers, and little noises they make that keeps you on your toes. It all just comes back to you so naturally. I miss it. Boy went to bed and baby slept for 2 hours while parents were out - easy. I cried the entire way home on the freeway.

At this point in time, I still want more biological children. I am learning all that I can about surrogacy law in my state and in CA. So far, I am leaning toward CA if we were to actually do this. I am so very sad as Christmas slowly approaches, but I am trying to focus on the good things.

Happier holidays to my SHARE friends,

Lindsay

Posted by lvazquez | Comments: (3) | Permalink

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