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lvazquez

May 2013

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FROZEN IN TIME

Feb 20, 2011 06:28pm (EST)

At my husband's last checkup, it was found that he is slightly anemic. With doctor's orders, he went and bought his vitamins which he's been taking religiously now for several months. He's due to have bloodwork here shortly. Yesterday, he tells me that he wished that he had one of those weekly pill dividers. I told him that he could use mine. So, into the cabinet I go and then it hits me that this pill divider has been totally undisturbed since our son died. There sitting in Wednesday's slot are the two huge calcium tablets that I meant to take with dinner that night. Thursday's slot is completely empty (3/5) and Friday and Saturday are still filled with my daily thrombophilic regimen. We were in the hospital on those days completely heartbroken.

I honestly don't know where the last 23 1/2 months have gone. I think often of how old our son would be now and how it would be with all three of them interacting and playing with each other. The other night, Donovyn and Tristyn pulled their kitchen chairs close to one another and ate dinner side by side. I can't help but see this third chair pulled up along side of them with another little one bouncing right along trying to keep up with his older brothers. It HURTS!

I had an FTC meeting two weeks ago and a comment was made that made me feel as though I can't possibly be hurting as much as a childless couple because I do have other children! Anyone who believes that can come and pay me a visit anytime! I should've bought stock in Kleenex! People see you showered with hair blown dry and they just assume that you're okay. I'm not okay. The struggle to remain sane and take care of other children when you are barely taking care of yourself is HARD!

Well, it was my negligent OB's birthday yesterday and my last prenatal appointment. I don't think I'll ever forget that date for as long as I live. Unfortunate too as it's only a few days before our wedding anniversary. We will be married for nine years on 2-22. Two years ago, we bought another full-sized bed for Tristyn as he was going to have to vacate his crib soon. Sigh.

Posted by lvazquez | Comments: (5) | Permalink

UNEXPECTED OB MAILER

Feb 07, 2011 05:04pm (EST)

So, this part of the year is very hard for me. Last Tuesday, I got the mail like I do each day and to my surprise, there was a postcard from my former OB's office. It was a postcard letting patients know that they are moving offices. The hospital behind them closed their birthing center, so they have to move. On the front of the postcard is a picture of all the OBs in the practice! I was mortified and completely ANGRY! I didn't want to ever see this person again, not in person, not in any pictures, ever. It was completely upsetting and I called the office right away. I told them that I had just received it and to take me off of their mailing list permanently ASAP. I was sort of surprised that I was still on it because it was clear at my last appt. with this person on 5/14/09 that I would not ever be coming back nor recommending anyone to go there. To see a picture of someone who has caused SO much pain and tears, to see them bright-eyed, making a living, and seemingly unaffected by my loss as my life stands still is just too much. I stomped on the photo and ripped it up. It went out with Thursday's trash:)

Posted by lvazquez | Comments: (8) | Permalink

MOD KICKOFF 2011

Jan 31, 2011 12:37am (EST)

I'm having a hard time accepting that it's 2011. Really, already 2011? I'm not sure where the time has gone. I'm so stuck in a particular month in a particular year. The MOD kickoff was last weekend and we had a decent turn out. I was in charge of a guessing activity for the kiddos. Sometimes I sort of dread some of the involvement because it's just a reminder that my son isn't here. From January - March it's hard to focus on anything else, but the events that led up to our empty arms and broken hearts.

12/11/08 - It's another boy!!!

1/8/09 - Heprin pump recommendation/last visit w/ the peri and last visit with regular (knew my history) OB

1/9/09 - Bedrest at almost 22 weeks

2/5/09 - Monthly ultrasound/first appt. w/ new OB; doubts about her not taking my history of severe pre-E x2 into account

2/19/09 - Concerns of severe swelling, but was ignored/new OB's b-day (turning 40), she met my family for the first time and gest. diabetes screening (negative she would tell me weeks later at the hospital)

3/3/09 - Thought I saw a flash earlier in the day (sign of pre-E) and felt a huge kick and flip that night in bed

3/5/09 - still feeling movement for the last 48 hours, cramps in the late afternoon, called OB's office and tells me it's nothing and see me on Monday . . . call her again near midnight to tell her something is VERY wrong and that I'm going to the hospital! Left house at 11:38 p.m. and was checked in at 11:58 p.m.

3/6/09 - My son was delivered at 1:20 a.m. and I think it was near 2ish that I woke up from surgery and I was holding him.

3/8/09 - Discharged from the hospital after losing 60% of my blood, multiple tranfusions, promises to do nothing, but drink Gatorade & water and to do my Lovenox injections every 12 hours for 6 weeks

3/9/09 - my next prenatal appt. (more than 2 weeks out from 2/19!!!)

These are the dates and events that I have been thinking about and replaying in my mind for the past 22 1/2 months. As these dates slowly approach, I will be reliving them one by one.

My son was delivered in the month of March. He weighed 3 pounds 6 ounces and was born an angel on 3-6. He is truly the reason why I finally joined this organization.

I took the prenatal vitamin, the folic acid, the calcium supplements (thrombophillic regimen), went on bedrest, but I DID NOT have an OB that had experience with high-risk patients such as myself. A patient with severe pre-eclampsia, someone who only has 2 children by chance because someone had the brains, the experience, and the thoughtfulness to run certain tests and watch out for me and my unborn children. I was relying on that same care and he had to leave me. It HURTS so much to know that my son didn't get his chance. If one little thing had been different, in my heart, I know that he would be here. He would've had his NICU stay and come home. He was bigger than my first preemie and two weeks earlier! ANGRY!!!

Yes, pack n' play, I see you over there in the corner all packed up. Can't let go of you yet along with all of the other gobs of baby gear and clothes oozing from my kids' closets. I still hope for one more chance at being a "new" mom. We'll see . . . for now, it's Happy Hour:)

Posted by lvazquez | Comments: (8) | Permalink

FINALLY INTERVIEWED

Jan 21, 2011 08:54pm (EST)

Well, I finally had the interview. It only took 6 weeks to set that up:) Wonderful! What a great way to make an impression! Love that follow through . . . sigh. What a morning! My interview was at 9 a.m. so this meant that I would drop off Donovyn to Kinder at 8 a.m. and then run Tristyn to his daddy's classroom, get on the freeway from there, and make it for my appointment.

I was just about finished drying my hair when I heard cries for Mommy coming from Tristyn. When I came out to the great room, Tristyn was sitting on the loveseat next to his brother with big tears rolling down his face. I looked at both of them and of course asked, "What happened?," as I am assessing the situation. And then, there it was on Tristyn's arm. TEETH MARKS! Donovyn bit Tristyn on the arm! I couldn't believe it! Donovyn has never done anything like that - ever! And he's not teething anymore, so WTF?! This was now the time that I should be putting both of them in the car to start the day.

No, not going to happen. I stopped and iced my little guy's arm and gave him lots of hugs and kisses while Donovyn was taking his time out. He knows that he is in trouble and the look on his face when I let him know that I would tell Dada when he comes home was priceless. I know that kids do this. I know that there are going to be squabbles between siblings and especially boys. But, my kid knows NOT to do that and he's been picking up some things from school that I'm not happy with at all. D said sorry and the boys hugged. By this time, I had already made up my mind that I was going to be dropping D off late and signing him in. Under reason for tardiness, I actually wrote, "Bit his bro and needed to ice it." Of all the mornings . . .

Dropped off T to his Dada and off I went! I reached the school, but then couldn't find the front. There were no buildings marked FRONT OFFICE or ADMINISTRATION that I could see. So, I was in the wrong parking lot, drove up to another one, and decided I'd walk around. Every high school is different and they didn't all have the same architect, so sometimes it's a search to find that front office door. Waited a few miinutes and then the interview started.

I asked one of my previous schools of employment to not be contacted for references. I don't think she noticed that part because she asked about that particular one. Of course, everyone knows each other in the world of administration and I knew that one of my former Principals came from this particular district. I treaded slowly. I am so nonchalant. I guess I could care less if I got hired. I don't really perk up. I don't get excited. I'm not humdrum either, but I'm not the same naive college grad that I was almost 10 years ago. Too much has happened in my life. I kept my personal stuff out of it.

It didn't sound like the job was going to change any higher than a .80 FTE. I want 100%. I'm not going to settle for less money. If I am going to be paying for full-day preschool, then I need to be working full-time as well. I realize more than ever that I am in the wrong state. I keep looking at CA jobs and it's slim pickings for my content at the moment. Is it wrong to go in on an intereview and hope that they don't like you? Well, I had to at least go and check it out. I think I need to keep looking . . .

Posted by lvazquez | Comments: (4) | Permalink

PROFESSIONALISM

Jan 17, 2011 03:56pm (EST)

I mentioned the other interview that fell through in December. I had guessed at several reasons for why this might have happened. To my surprise, the Principal contacted me again last Monday. She got busy. I inquired about the situation at the school as to why there was an opening and was she still looking to hire for this current Spring semester or for next Fall. Apparently, the current teacher "thought" that she would have to leave mid-year, but has decided to stay. So, they are looking to replace her for the 11-12 school year. I told her that I was still interested in interviewing (!) and told her my availability. We were e-mailing to confirm this past Wednesday and I hear nothing back! She's left me hanging again with no follow through! This is unbelievable! No phone call, no message, no e-mail, nothing until Friday afternoon. All apologies again and wants to know if I can do it this week at a time that I am unavailable. Do people read their e-mails or are they just so in their own world that they can't take a second to scroll down to a prior response?!

I know what this is. It's only January and this isn't priority on her list of things to do. She's putting me off again and again because she can. This has never happened to me. I mean, I've taken most of the administrative courses in order to become a Principal and you don't do this to people. I'm not sure if this is even someone I can work for. Geez, I wonder how long it would take to get a PO approved with this person? It's so close to my house though and I might be willing to overlook some character flaws in the money is right. I might have an interview this week if she and I can arrange a time that works for both of us. Even if I interview, I might not hear back for a few months:) I'm applying to several districts and updating my online apps with others, so I'm not putting all of my eggs into one basket.

I am keeping busy with organizing a MOD kickoff this Saturday. It should be a good time. It's my first event as part of the FTC (Family Teams Committee). I've attended in the past, but wasn't part of the organizing. It should be a nice time weather permitting.

Funny note: My husband is a teacher and does extra duties afterschool for cash. In the Winter, he runs the clock for all of the girls and boys soccer games. I was getting the kids in the car for school one morning this past week when I told Donovyn that Daddy would be home late tonight. He asked, "Daddy has a football game tonight?" He meant soccer, but I just rolled with it to avoid an explanation. In most parts of the world it is called football. Anway, "Yes," I said. "Oh is he the whistle?," he asked. "No, Daddy's the clock," I said. Had me laughing all the way to school!

Posted by lvazquez | Comments: (4) | Permalink

HAPPY NEW YEAR

Jan 01, 2011 05:37pm (EST)

It's hard to believe that another year has gone by. A year ago, I was having some chest pain as 2009 came to a close and I felt as though I was saying goodbye to my son and my dreams all over again. I didn't want that year to end. Not sure where 2010 went either. But even with all of the heartache these past 22 months, I am so grateful for discovering Share and meeting my Share friends. Thank you for helping me to navigate through this tough terrain. I wish for HOPE for everyone in this new year.

On kind of a funny note, I was thinking back to x-mas last weekend. Santa gave me a good hair day and my period. Thanks Santa! You know, I must say, no one ever told me that one's flow would be totally different after a tubal ligation. It's like a crime scene down there. Periods seem so senseless for ME at this point, but I'm not ready to "stop the flow" (for now). The last thing I want is to be launched into early menopause. Yikes!

Posted by lvazquez | Comments: (7) | Permalink

CHRISTMAS 2010

Dec 28, 2010 01:37am (EST)

The job interview at the charter school was . . . interesting. Kind of a laid back interview, mostly at-risk students who want to go to college. It's a small staff, nice people from what I could tell. I showed them my portfolio of activities, lesson plans, calendars, assessments, etc. I kept my LOA reasons out of the conversation. I just said that I'm a mom who needed to take some time off with my kids. That's true. Well, this kind of took me off guard, but they needed to do a drug test (cheek swab) in order to offer me the job. I really wasn't expecting that, but I said that it would be fine. Then, we get to salary and well, it was less than daily sub pay. I practically sleep with a calculator, so I already knew that it wasn't going to pay. I've worked just to pay daycare in the past and I promised myself I'd never make that mistake again. I had to say no thank you.

My other interview fell through. Yup, couldn't believe it, but it did. My thinking is that the job had been posted for so long, maybe the school was hoping that nobody would apply. Sometimes if classes need to be created due to failures in other subjects, they dissolve classes in other departments in order to provide a budget in order to offer a class. The four sections of French could have been shuffled to create Math or English classes. Who knows?! It was a last minute thing, but I guess because I've been hoping for something "new" to focus on, that maybe one of the two would work for me.

Forces seem to be telling me that it's not the right time. Even though things are what they are, I guess I'm supposed to just wait until next Fall like I had originally planned. I know that something will come up, something is bound to land in my lap. My goal for 2011 is to TRY and stress less about things that I cannot control. Whew, that's going to be tough, but my BPs will thank me for it.

Christmas was nice. The kids were happy with what Santa brought and they were pleased with Round #2, my parents' gifts. I'm glad that they did leave me with gift receipts just in case. There was a lot of drama as far as where my parents would be spending the holiday earlier this year. In the end, they were very pleased to spend it with us and we outdid ourselves on the meal. Kuddos to my hubby for cooking the turkey! My elderly grandmother came too! Wheelchair, walker, diaper bag, potty seat and all! It's a lot of work to have her visit, but she really had a good time, ate a ton, and really liked seeing the boys. I'm so glad that they got a chance to know their great Grandma. We never know if this might be the last one with her.

Hard to believe that it was 5 years ago that we brought home our little Donovyn just in time for x-mas. Three scary weeks in the NICU, the smallest diapers and clothes I would change thus far. We are so aware of how fast time is flying by.

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Posted by lvazquez | Comments: (5) | Permalink

I WISHED FOR AN INTERVIEW - I GOT TWO

Dec 16, 2010 12:40am (EST)

It's too funny. Just when I had sort of given up looking for a job this coming Spring. Boom! I saw a position for a P/T French teacher at a charter school. It's just two classes and it's a bit of a drive. I found the school today and clocked the mileage. I am interviewing tomorrow morning. The hours are fantastic, but I'll have to see.

Just as I am gearing up for that and thinking about the possible questions I'll be asked, the Principal of the other school calls me and wants to schedule an interview. Geez, cutting it really close. Both schools are closed for the two-week break, but one school heads back on 1/3 and the other starts on 1/5. This other school is much closer to my house and I'm familiar with public high schools and such.

In a nutshell, I have two interviews tomorrow and that's A LOT to take in for someone who hasn't taught for two years. The other is .8 FTE, so not full full-time, but enough to qualify for benefits and things. It's also super close to my son's school and I could pick him up like usual. I guess I'll go to both and just compare and contrast and look at those options.

I'm not too excited to have my little Tristyn in daycare. That just opens ups another can of worms. I'll let you know how it goes. Our budget has been getting tighter and so I feel the urge to get back out there, do something I love, and make the trek back to the teaching world, . . . I think.

I took this picture this morning. My boys are getting bigger! I wish that they could stay this age for awhile longer. I remember the baby days as if they were yesterday, but having an actual converstation with your kids and listening to their perspective is wonderful and funny!

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Posted by lvazquez | Comments: (5) | Permalink

UPDATES

Dec 10, 2010 04:50pm (EST)

Alrighty, well my last day at the preschool was this past Tuesday. It's really okay. I should have never taken the position to begin with, but I had to see I guess. I turned in my keys to the secretary and stopped by briefly to talk to some of the other office staff. I had one of those awkward moments.

I was talking to one of the gals who was trying to be positive for me as far as finding another teaching job or just a better part-time job. She was asking me if my son, the one who was with me, was in preschool yet. I told her no, but that he would be next year. I mentioned how my oldest is in early Kinder this year and then she asked it. "Where's your third? Don't you have a third?" I was shocked! I calmly said that I did and I pointed upwards. She said, "Oh, I know that you had one pass away, but I thought that you already had three." I didn't know what to say or do. I don't expect people to keep track, but I guess I thought it was common knowledge how many children we had. She didn't mean to be hurtful, but of course I had tears the whole way home.

Urgh, I was watching Oprah yesterday and I have been following the Petit family in the news and the conviction recently. One thing really struck me that he said. He said," When your parents die, you are considered an orphan. When your wife dies, you are a widower. When your husband dies, a widow. What do you call someone who has lost their child or their children?" I thought of that a lot yesterday and he's right. There are no words for it . . .

I picked up my pottery from that fundraiser I did a few weeks ago. It turned out alright. My kids are putting dimes in it of course:)

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Posted by lvazquez | Comments: (5) | Permalink

PRE-SCHOOL JOB

Dec 04, 2010 08:29pm (EST)

Oh, it's December already. Geez, if it wasn't for the tree or the turkey last month, I don't think it would faze me. I mentioned a job awhile back that was full of possibilities. Well, not so much come to find out. It was such a waiting game. I thought that I would've started weeks before, but it took such a long time to hear back from the administration. A few more weeks to hear anything back from HR. I've been doing it for awhile now and it's more trouble than it's worth.

The little kids are great! It's everything I do at home, but with a paycheck. The problem is that my little Tristyn is missing his afternoon nap which he and I both desperately need. I am allowed to bring him along, but he is more of a distraction for the other kids and students. My husband has so many school committments and it's been hard for him to go and pick-up our other son in Kinder too. He's driving back and forth and while we are both experts now at tag teaming, we're exhausted. I like the job and I'd like to keep it, but I'm not going to put my oldest in afterschool care till 5:30 or 6:00 p.m. to make a few bucks. The afterschool care is kind of ghetto, and I'm not comfortable. So, I let my supervisor know that they'll need to post the job once more because I won't be able to do it next semester. There is disappointment of course on both ends, but she understands.

Nobody expected me to take the job, but I thought I'd give it a try. I think I'll just look for more cuts out of our budget and focus on spending Spring at home. It's where I belong I suppose. I can go back to the classroom even as a sub next Fall if there are no teaching positions out there. I might have a small prospect coming. A family whose son I sat for in April/May called me recently to see if I could help them out a few days part-time. They figured I was teaching, so they didn't bother calling me. I had that interview in CA around that time and they assumed that it all worked out. They contacted me on sittercity and were really excited to know that I was still around. This couple was super nice and professional and they are willing to drive to me which makes things SO much easier.

So, that could be something for me. I tend not to get too excited about things until they actually happen. I feel like I've had so many alternate plans this year.

Positive note, my son's school did a little holiday concert this past week. He was a reindeer and they sang Rudolph. So proud!

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Posted by lvazquez | Comments: (3) | Permalink

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