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MADDY'S MOMMY
Jenn23 |
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| Category: Home | Sun | Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat | | | | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 |
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MY MADDY
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Feb 27, 2012 10:12pm (EST)
Hey there my sweet baby boy, Mommy loves you so much Maddy. I miss you so much my darling baby boy. Yup I did it I fell asleep on the couch, well because my bed is covered in clothes. LOL I startd going through my room Yuck, I only have today to pack and move too lol. I am a little nervous about the internet connection where I am moving, it is kind of out of town, and I do not know if I can get online every night to write to you. I am really upset, I hope I can, it will really bother me if I cant write you Maddox. I love you so much baby, I have to go and pack some more. I will try and write you later, I love you Maddy, so so much. XOXOXOXOXOXO
Hey took the pics of Tarquin off they were too big for the page, This is a
link to the album they are in.
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Posted by James SooHoo | Comments: (4) | Permalink
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MY MADDY
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Feb 25, 2012 11:31pm (EST)
Hey there my sweet baby boy, Mommy loves you so much Maddy. I miss you so much my darling baby boy. Yup I did it I fell asleep on the couch, well because my bed is covered in clothes. LOL I startd going through my room Yuck, I only have today to pack and move too lol. I am a little nervous about the internet connection where I am moving, it is kind of out of town, and I do not know if I can get online every night to write to you. I am really upset, I hope I can, it will really bother me if I cant write you Maddox. I love you so much baby, I have to go and pack some more. I will try and write you later, I love you Maddy, so so much. XOXOXOXOXOXO
Hey took the pics of Tarquin off they were too big for the page, This is a link to the album they are in.
http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.204096172968448.54107.100001042006119&l=4275721f98
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Posted by Jenn23 | Comments: (1244) | Permalink
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MY BEAUTUIFUL SON
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Feb 11, 2012 09:49am (EST)
My beautiful boy, Mommy loves you so so much, I know I haven't wrote in a long time but I will write you in a few days and tell you why, I am in my room, the only place I can get internet now and Daddy is sleeping, and I type fast and loud lol. I have a million things to tell you, along with a million reasons why I haven't wrote...but it boils down to this, I love you baby boy and I miss you more than ever. I would write tomorrow but we are headed to Rochester for a concert, some well deserved R&R, but I will get back to writing again and I will be back Sunday so til then my darling angel I will dream sweet dreams of holding you again one day, Good Night my sweet baby boy, I love you Maddy forever and always XOXOXOXOXOXOXO
Oh and we cut little mans Hair, he donated a twelve inch pony tail to locks of love...Go Tarquin!!!!
100_1951
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Posted by Jenn23 | Comments: (3) | Permalink
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MERRY CHRISTMAS MADDY
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Dec 26, 2011 08:02pm (EST)
Christmas Memories of an Angel in Heaven
There's a very special place
beyond our skies above
somewhere very peaceful
that is full of light and love
that special place is Heaven
where you're free to laugh and roam
it was your time to go there
so the angels took you home
And though you're in our thoughts
each single day throughout the year
at special times like Christmas
we all wish you could be here
now you're in a better place
your soul is laid to rest
safe with all the angels
for they only take the best
Merry Christmas Maddy, we all love you so much and miss you everyday
Love Mommy, Daddy and Tarquin.
♥ Maddox Decimus Byrd ♥ 06/28/2010 ♥
Merry Christmas little man, Mommy loves you so much Maddy, I wanted to write you last night but I fell asleep after Daddy went to bed and I didn't get up til morning, I will try and write you later my sweet boy, I love you Maddy Merry Christmas my Baby Love!!! XOXOXOXOXOXO
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Posted by Jenn23 | Comments: (2) | Permalink
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SO SO SORRY BABY
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Dec 11, 2011 05:14am (EST)
Hey there my LOVE I miss you so much and mommy has been thinking about you every day. I am so so sorry I haven't been writing you and I haven't been to visit you either, I feel terrible, we have been so so busy and I have been really down lately and just feel like I cant hope anymore for something that is never going to be. So so many things. I want a baby so bad. And the older I get and the more time that goes by the less chance I have of having a sibling for you and your big brother, another boy would be nice though... days go by and life takes on a sense of merely surviving, not ever really living. I hate it, it just seems like there is never enough time in the day to do all the things I had wanted and then I am so worn out and tired, your brother really keeps me going, and I think I am old to have a three year old, almost thirty five now, makes me contemplate whether having another baby is really a good idea, I will be over sixty by the time Tar is thirty...I don't feel like I am that old though I still feel like 27 in my heart lol, and so glad that I don't look old too lol...It kind of helps me with my self deception..I do wish though I had been able to get pregnant earlier in life, I did twice when I was 26 but lost both babies within six months of each other so I was terrified to start trying again, I finally did when I realized I was thirty OMG thirty lol... Well Maddy it has been a week from H E double hockey sticks, Tar hasn't been feeling good for a while now, had a croupy cough for a day or two and just when I thought he was getting better he started getting diarrhea and then the other night he threw up while he was sleeping a little bit, I cleaned it all up and got him back to bed, but that morning he woke up crying I mean bawling that his stomach hurt, I made him show me where and it was right by his liver and I was afraid he was sick from all the Tylenol, because I hardly ever give it to him and he had had a lot in the last few days, or that it was his appendix, so I rushed him to the ER, not wanting to wait to go to the Dr. which is a half hour away... as it turned out he had gas lol. But he was sick, they kept him for three days and two nights, at least I got them to let him sleep in a bed and not those cages they call cribs lol, my husband and I stayed with him he whole time anyways though, Tar liked the cable lol, they did a lot of test on him which all came back negative, all they did find was he was a little dehydrated and his white count was really high, which usually it is if anyone is sick, I was starting to get angry and wanted to take him home, He had a minor upper respiratory and his lungs and bronchi were clear, and they kept waking him up and taking his vitals, he cried every time he was just so tired and would draw his blood every morning and he has never had it done before this, I just wanted them to leave my baby alone lol. I hated every minute of it... I hate seeing my baby so sad... He is feeling much better now though and is raising heck like usual already and he just got out yesterday, it is really hard to try and keep a three year old boy calm lol.. Trust me I have tried.. especially a somewhat hyper three year old. Oh Maddy I have missed writing to you so much I cannot believe it has been almost a month, well I guess our housing went through and they are coming here for our home visit on Tues, but I just cant allow myself to be happy about it until I am in there I guess, still feeling as if it will all fall through and I will be crushed, So I haven't really gotten happy or excited about it because I am so use to having my dreams torn from me...Hope is no longer an option for me. I know it sounds really negative but if you lived my life you wouldn't be hoping for anything either because once it is so close and you think your golden, your world would come crashing down... I'm not joking either, this is my life, I know this now, some of us are just damned I guess. To live a life of failure and deprivation. No matter how hard I try and how hard I work for things no matter if I do everything right and come so close, things never work out for me... I just have to accept that and not try to change it but try to live with it I guess. I heard a saying one time that comes to mind, A branch that does not bend with the wind will break... I need to learn to bend, instead of trying to fight the wind all the time, it does not come naturally to me though, I have always been a fighter, strong, independent, a leader not a follower, stubborn, and hard as nails... I have also had my share of problems in life that I have overcome, alone. I always felt like if I couldn't help myself that no one could help me, you have to want to change....I suffered most of my teenage years with depression and bulimia. Not something most people know about me. I did however learn to overcome both without any help from others, I just had to learn...learn what was really important in life, and being skinny just doesn't rate anymore lol. However being happy does, it is just so hard when everything in my life is so wrong and the more I try to change it the worse it gets, I do feel guilty about losing you Maddy and I think I should, I was using Methadone while I was pregnant with you, There it is the bombshell I never wanted to drop...the thing that haunts me night and day... maybe now you can all understand why I can never forgive myself... I had been having a lot of dental work done right before I got pregnant with you, and the dentist had been subscribing me a lot of lortabs, which I became addicted to, I tried to stop taking them and couldn't, I then switched to the methadone because it is was a lot less harmful to my body and liver, I was trying to quit those when I found out I was pregnant... however you can not quit methadone while you are pregnant because it can cause miscarriage, I am telling you all this because I think it is vital to understanding....Methadone is a class C drug which is in the class for drugs safe to take while pregnant, just not for me, I already have a blood clot disorder, but you, full term would have been a healthy eight pound baby, they told me the abruption was not due to the drug, I only took one a day usually late at night before I went to bed, but I cant help thinking it was, it was the only difference between the pregnancies, that and I was working a lot more when I was pregnant for you baby, and the weekend I lost you I had worked three really hard days in a row, and was probably dehydrated, another known cause of abruption, I just keep thinking to myself, If I had just been a little more careful, more diligent with everything, IF IF IF IF IF, I hate it I cannot stop... some days I wish I had never gotten pregnant, I mean I was using BIRTH CONTROL and not really needing it that much because we were so busy working and Tar was just a baby himself so he kept us pretty busy too, I mean y'all know how it is when your working with children, not much time for yourself... but anyways, some days most days though I just miss you terribly...I love you so so much Maddox, I do wish however none of the bad parts had happened and you were here in your own little room or with your brother sleeping soundly, Oh Maddy I wish for a lifetime with you I can never have, that you can never have... I love you so much, you live inside of me always, and forever sweet baby boy, I will see you again I promise baby boy, I love you so much, we will all be together again someday, I know it in my heart now. I have contemplated erasing this all, never to have wrote it, but I think that you all have the ability not to judge me and think with your brains... or read the rest of my blog... so I will leave it...I have really poured my heart out here, this is a giant step for me I think, even if it is only in my journal (what I think of it as LOL) I do not share well with others, lol if you know what I mean, I do hope someday though to write a book about all of this, using my journal as a base sort of, I don't know just an Idea, I always wanted to write when I was younger, and have to say I had a bit of talent for it, it just became not a priority anymore, until I had you baby boy, and I needed it again, to help me find my way through this nightmare....Oh Maddy I love you sweatpea, my darling angel, you have brought me so much in life and I could give you nothing but anguish and pain. I hate myself for that every day...a little part of me dies every time I think about it, knowing what we could have had...I love you Maddox Decimus I love you so so much, I think I could have never loved anyone more, than I did my sons the moment I saw their faces for the first time, there beautiful perfectly angelic faces...Tar screaming and squiggling, and yours, sleeping and silent...both so beautiful. So similar, yet so different, Oh Maddy my baby love, I miss yours so so much, to see your face once more, just once... would mean the world to me. I love you baby, more than words could ever display. More than anyone could ever know unless they were me I guess lol... my love goes so deep and I feel so much, I hurt and my heart bleeds, your birth which should have been so joyous, ripped it open and tore it apart with your death........it just hasn't healed yet, I am not sure if it will maybe someday, but I know that it will never be the same, it will be better, louder, stronger, sewn with the seeds of your love Maddy, you live there now, it is your home, I will try and treat it gently, I promise. I am trying I truly am, that is why I am struggling so hard baby, I have to get through all of this if I want to be happy, but I have to do it first, and it is hard and I just try to pretend it never happened and I must stop that I must confront my ghosts...so to say.. I will try to from this day to heal it with you... I love you so much sweet boy, it is late and mom should go to bed, I am tired and mentally exhausted, I am still not sure about this post but I will go with my heart... I had better because Tar is feeling better every day but he is still very whiny and sad so he needs a lot of attention, and has been getting up a lot earlier since he was in the hospital, I am hoping he goes back to his normal schedule soon because I am not a morning person lol, Well Good night my sweet boy and I am so sorry again for not writing you in so long, I just was so so tired and trying to deal with so much...I love you Maddy, you are my world, I miss you more than ever, I will try and write you very soon, I always do better when I do... I love you my darling baby boy, now and forever, you are in our hearts and souls written as law, a part of us all... Good Night little man, mommy loves you so.. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
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Posted by Jenn23 | Comments: (5) | Permalink
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MY MADDY
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Nov 14, 2011 04:26am (EST)
Hey there my sweet baby boy mommy loves you so much, I am so sorry I haven't wrote to you in almost two weeks baby, I have just been so depressed I don't want to do anything, I just lay around the house all day and just stare at the TV all night even if it isn't on... I have just had so much on my mind lately, I don't even know how we are going to continue to live here, but your daddy made a miracle yesterday at work and made rent lol yyyyaaaayyyy It was weighing heavy on my mind since we are trying to get into the housing here but if you have late rent where you are it affects you application. How stupid is that like why would I need the housing if I could pay my rent right lol... not really funny but I laugh all the time when I shouldn't, it is kind of annoying really but it is how I deal with being nervous or upset. Ya super annoying. Well to me anyways. Baby I am so sorry I haven't wrote you it was eating me up, I hate myself so much right now though and hated that I was spreading all my negativity to you, you always have to listen to me crabbin and it isn't fair. I love you Maddy baby so so much and I only wish for you, I just want to hold you one last time and look into your eyes..Just once, Oh Maddy what I wouldn't give for another chance to make things right, I blame myself for what happened to you, I was your mommy and I couldn't protect you from what my body did to us. I hate it, I should have known something was wrong, I should have just known. I feel like I failed you and Tar and Daddy, feel like I let you all down, and do everyday I am. I think most days that Daddy and Tar would be better off with out my moping butt, I know who I should be who I would be now if only you had lived baby and I look at what I have become and I hate myself for letting that happen too, even though I try with all my heart to be the person I once was I know deep down I never will be and think that maybe it would be easier for Tarquin if I just got it over with now, instead of him having to remember me, or worse, me infecting him with my sadness, I do everyday I can see it in his eyes, he is not the same baby boy he was either, I feel like I am ruining his innocence with my hate and anger... I am so angry most of the time baby, I hate the doctors and the hospital that took so long getting you out I hate the anesthesiologist for not being in the hospital when we got there I hate him for taking so long to arrive while you, my child, died... Oh Maddy I love you so so much my darling angel, mommy does not know how much longer I can put up this fight, I want to, to keep your memory alive here in our hearts and in our souls, but it is just so hard baby when my heart is broken so badly and my soul has turned so black... I am so lost and so lonely baby boy. I am not the mommy I said I would be, I am not the mother I once was, to either you or your brother and it is killing me a little bit more inside each day. I hate myself and everything I stand for. I am a shell of who I once was. I feel like when you died a huge part of me died too and I will never be that person again, and then other times I wonder why I am so angry and hateful when I have a wonderful little boy that I can hold and hug and a very loving husband, that will never leave me no matter how much we hate each other lol... but sometimes it is not enough, I guess I am still just selfish in the end and want you to Maddy... I was going to get my tubes tied after I had you. You completed our family Maddy, my boys all I ever wanted was two boys and a husband, my dream family, before you were born I was in bliss, I mean ecstatic, nothing could bring me down, NOTHING, and I mean nothing not a bad day at work not owing months of rent not my car breaking nothing finally I was happy and life made sense... and then it happened, that horrible tragic night in that terrible storm, I am sure now the heavens had opened up and they all were crying for you baby, the loss of such a beautiful soul... I love you my Maddy, my baby love, I miss you more than you will ever know, I am sorry again I haven't wrote you, this is the longest I have ever went without doing so, and boy did it bug me, I just kept falling asleep at night and days are so hard to get a moment to write to you the way I want to.. Oh baby I love you and I hope to see you again baby boy... I am still so confused about all that and God and stuff, but I know now that he is there and watching over you for me til we can be together again. I love you baby boy, I am going to go chill with your daddy for a bit and try to enjoy the rest of our Sunday.... I miss you so baby boy, Good Night my sweet baby boy, I love you so much and I will try and write you more tomorrow. Good night for now my darling angel, I love you Maddox Decimus!!! XOXOXOXOXOXOXO
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Posted by Jenn23 | Comments: (10) | Permalink
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TO MADDY
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Oct 30, 2011 06:54pm (EST)
Hey there my beautiful boy, mommy loves you so much my little one. I think about you most of the time and always miss you so much, I started this not last night but the night before lol I have just been so tired and depressed lately baby boy. I have been so lost and confused lately, I just don't know what to do anymore, I am going to save this and write later, it is Sunday and Daddy and Poo want me to play with them but I wanted to stop and tell you how much we love you our darling angel. I will write you later my sweet boy, mommy loves you Maddy!! XOXOXOXOXOXO
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Posted by Jenn23 | Comments: (3) | Permalink
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MY MADDY
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Oct 28, 2011 05:29am (EST)
My beautiful boy, mommy has been thinking about you all day, I miss you so much my darling angel and I love you beyond all measure... I have not been doing well baby, we are not doing well. It seems just as we get on our feet, they get swept out from under us again, never really getting a chance to take a step. I just don't know how much more I can handle, how much longer I can fight Maddy, I want to and I know I promised, but life is just so hard... I want Tar to have a mommy but what if he would be better off without me... have a good life. Not a mommy who cant stop crying.. I hate it but everything in my life is just so messed up and I just don't see it getting any better anytime soon. I cant find work and I cant pay my bills, we are going to be homeless again in a month since I cant pay my rent on the eleventh with nothing.. which is what I have saved for it, that and I haven't even payed my electric which is going to be shut off soon. Or my car ins. How the heck are we supposed to live, gas is four dollars a gallon, so is milk I work for min wage, one hour of work and I can buy either one, not both, so you buy the gas so you can get back to work the next day... and so on, never getting the milk you and your children need...I hate it, it is impossible... and the govt wonders why there is so much crime, desperate people do dumb stupid things, which I am about to do... I hate that I cant even take my son to the movies, or the arcade, or even a new winter jacket, his still fits but just barely... not going to all winter I know that. I just don't know how much more I can take. I cannot do this over and over and over.... I really wish my husband had a steady income, not this up and down stuff, summers are good but we used all the income this summer finding a new home and putting the Blazer back on the road, and fixing it. And for what, to have to take it off the road because I cant afford the ins. I try so hard every day and it gets me nowhere. Every time I get ahead something happens and knocks us right back down again, why is life so unfair... Why cant I get any help from Social Services, oh ya because we do try and we do work. I just don't get it. We make just barely enough to feed ourselves, how the heck am I supposed to afford a house, clothes, soap, just general stuff that you need, even if I do get a job I will have to pay a babysitter to watch my son, to raise my son, while I make enough to pay them. I just don't get it, man I cannot believe they Impeached Clinton, the only president to actually get the country out of debt, and why, over morals, LOL come on, like anyone has any morals left anymore, they just want you to think that they do. I mean I do and the average person does, but an elected govt official fff please. I am just so lost I don't know what to do, how to go on, doesn't life ever get any better, isn't there more to life than this. I haven't even had a vacation since I lived with my parents, sixteen years ago...Just work and grind. No fun, nothing. I hate it. I just cant keep up anymore, why work my butt off to be poor, every time I get ahead, either my car breaks down, or I lose my job or the Tattoos just stop, the list goes on and on, when we lost you baby, it really put us behind and we just haven't been able to catch up and I haven't been able to deal with your loss either. I lost my job, because I couldn't keep my mouth shut... basically lol... and I am losing myself more and more each day... I am becoming someone I hate. I don't know how long I can go on with this anger in my heart. My anger at the Dr. at the hospital, at the world. I just am soo angry I couldn't have you in my arms to hold and watch grow old... I am like a spoiled child, throwing horrible temper tantrum because someone took my blanket... kind of like poo did the other day. lol. I wish I could control my anger, but I cant, I am in a rage over you baby, I miss you so much and it is just so sad without you. I love you so much my little Maddox it just hurts so bad and I turn all that pain and fear and sadness into anger because it is the only thing I can do without letting it destroy me. I love you so deeply Maddox and I would do anything for you, anything to help you, but I couldn't help you, I didn't save you, I failed. I am so so sorry Maddox. I always will be and I will always always love you my littlest man. I hold you here with me though in a special place right in my heart, inside where you are protected from all the anger and hate and hurt and sadness, inside where there was joy and happiness once... Oh Maddy my baby I love you so much my darling little angel I miss you more than anything else in this whole entire world. I have never before felt any level of pain close to this, never been so sad or so lost before. Never knew such pain existed. I have never known a loss like this either. You were just beginning your beautiful life. Such a tragedy. It really is. Just a newborn baby beginning his life, never even got to see his Mommy or his Daddy, or his big brother... Oh Maddy he loves you very much and he will always know how very special you are to us. That you are his baby brother that is waiting for him in heaven when he goes. I love you so much Maddy, I had better go to bed soon, I have to stop this whirlwind somehow. I can not stop worrying, see now I'm worrying about worrying lol No but really I am a mess baby, I just need some time to think and it seems like the days are flying by one day melts into the other and the next thing I know it is weeks, months later. I just don't belong anywhere anymore. I feel like a feather in the wind that has come off its duck, lost its home... and so much more. It feels so cold and lonely sometimes and has no shelter. Even though it is waterproof that will fade over time and it will wither away, no longer needed. I love you Maddy, I am going to try and relax a bit. Good Night my little champ. I love you so much my sweet baby boy. I will try and write you tomorrow my sweat pea. Good Night my Maddy I love you!!! XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
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Posted by Jenn23 | Comments: (1) | Permalink
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MY MADDY
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Oct 27, 2011 05:15pm (EST)
Hey there my beautiful boy, mommy love you so much my precious boy. I am so lucky to have known you, if only for a little while, you must be a blessed soul if God did not want to let you go. Ok so I finally have to come to the conclusion that there is a God, if there wasn't it would mean that I never can see you again, so that alone is good enough for me... But there is so much more that if you listen and pay attention that you will find... He may not always give you what you want but he does find a way to give you what you need, even if he didn't give me you, maybe he desired something different and who am I to judge. I just miss you so much Maddy, that it is hard not to be mad at him sometimes. I still cant understand why he took my son, my child, my baby boy, that was so loved and so wanted. Why not some Junkies baby or some crackheads whose baby would have been all messed up anyways... I know that is mean but if I could trade places with someone else, I would... I know it is not right to wish this pain on anyone, but if it meant I could have my son back I don't think I would care if some crackhead lost there baby that is addicted to crack.. I know I am mean, but I cant help how I feel. Especially when I see it everyday. The heartless mothers, the sick babies... it is just so sad. I know I am not perfect but I do know a thing or two. I miss you baby more than I can ever put into words and love you endlessly my littlest man, I was thinking about maybe posting some of your pics again. Maybe my new favorite one of your brother too. I wish so much that you and him could go trick or treating together. My boys... I love you both so so much. Well I did it again my little one, I fell asleep last night and now it is tomorrow lol I will try and write you later my little sweat pea. I love you so much Maddy, I will always miss you, Good bye for now my darling angel. I love you Maddox..XOXOXOXOXOXOXO
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Posted by Jenn23 | Comments: (3) | Permalink
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MY MADDY
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Oct 25, 2011 09:41pm (EST)
Hey there my littlest man, mommy loves you so very much, I am not happy I keep falling asleep at night and I haven't wrote you, I don't really have time during the day to write you either so it kind of has been bothering me. I miss you so much my darling angel. And I miss writing you every day like I use to. It has been so hard since we moved though because I have switched our entire schedule around also. We use to get up around four in the afternoon, if we didn't sleep in, lol and now we get up around ten or ten thirty in the morning aghh It seems better for your brother though, he is so funny in the morning, since we don't have a couch and sleep in the living room, he comes bouncing out most of the time right in the ribs or stomach sometimes a good head shot, yup that will wake ya in a hurry, gotta love it though right lol... I do most of the time but some days I really really wish we had a couch lol. Or furniture lol. Anything would be nice. I have a box of movies a tv and a bed lol My bookshelf broke in the move and most of my other things for my living room are still packed in storage including most of Poos Books, he still seems to have a bunch too lol He has a ton of them though. I love reading with him, it is really fun. I wish I could read to you to Maddy and hold you on my lap. Oh Maddox my baby boy, I love you so much my little angel. I think about you so much and I miss you so badly baby. I fell asleep baby and never saved this so it is now the next day, but I will try and write tonight, I love you Maddox so so much, and I miss you every moment we are apart, Good bye for now my sweet pea, I love you baby boy!! XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
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Posted by Jenn23 | Comments: (3) | Permalink
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