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MAYA'S ANGEL

md78

March 2010

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WILL THE PAIN EVER GO AWAY?

Feb 08, 2010 09:42am (EST)

Last May my husband and I found out that I was pregnant and we were overjoyed with thoughts of our baby. My pregnancy was fairly uneventful and I barely even had morning sickness or other pregnancy symptoms. I ate extremely healthy and organic for our baby. I carried our baby to 39 weeks and 2 days gestation and then went into labor early in the morning.

I wanted a natural childbirth in order to give our baby the best start in life and my labor was extremely painful. After being in labor for 22 hours and pushing for 2 hours, the baby just couldn't come out. Since I had wanted to do everything without meds, I kept trying but eventually the nurse suggested that we try vacuum assistance just to get the baby out. My husband and I eventually agreed. The OB came in and quickly performed an episiotomy and used the vacuum to deliver our sweet baby girl who we named Mila - 6lbs, 2oz. Born, December 23, 2009 , I will never forget the first moment I saw her beautiful face and heard her first and last cry. When she came out, she had inhaled meconium and was immediately taken away by the neonatal team and put on a respirator as she had stopped breathing.

My husband went with Mila to the NICU and after about 45 minutes came back to the recovery room and said everything appeared fine. Doctors said her vital signs were great- she was breathing perfectly and her heartbeat was strong- she had always had a strong, fast heartbeat throughout my entire pregnancy. After I had been stitched up and was ready to go see her, my husband and I went to see her but she was sleeping. It was very difficult to see Mila with the monitors and IVs attached to her. The pediatrician on-call came to our recovery room about half an hour later and told us that she would be fine and would probably just need to stay in the hospital for a few days to be monitored. Since I was recovering, my husband and I didn't see any reason for concern. We were overjoyed with thoughts of playing with Mila and I was imagining holding my sweet little baby in my arms and looking into her eyes.

After an hour or so,we wanted to see our little sweetheart again so we went back to the nursery and the pediatricians had changed during the end of the shift. The new pediatrician then told us that Mila had suddenly gotten very sick and unresponsive. At that moment I felt like I had suddenly entered a bad dream. A specialist team was then coming to try and stabilize her and take her to the children's hospital where they would be better able to care for her.

An hour later, the specialist team, the pediatrician and our doctor came in to speak with us. We knew then that something was wrong. They told us that she had bleeding in her skull and was no longer able to clot her blood. She was just bleeding from everywhere and was not responsive to any stimuli. They said they didn't know how much brain function she had left. I was in a state of shock. This perfect baby that I had lovingly cared for all these months and had carried to full term was now extremely sick. Doctors didn't think it was possible her condition would improve and left us to make the decision of whether or not we wanted to continue to give her support. Nothing seemed real and I couldn't even cry, I was in such a state of disbelief.

We then went to spend more time with Mila and she just looked so helpless and innocent. She has bruises on her tiny wrists where they had stuck her with IVs and where she had begun to bleed internally. The nurses then let me hold my baby for the first time. I will never forget how delicate and beautiful she was. Her breathing was shallow and I just felt so helpless. We then made the most difficult decision of our lives to discontinue her life support. We just couldn't watch our sweet baby suffer any longer. Our family members came in to say goodbye and then my husband and I spent time with her privately. When I held her again, she opened her eyes one last time and then closed them forever. I'll never forget her eyes- exactly like my husband's and I see her everytime I look at him. On that day- the same day she was born, at that moment, she became our guardian angel watching over us eternally. We buried her a few days later.

I don't know if I will ever understand why this happened to Mila but I am thankful that she did not suffer. I'm grateful for the few moments that we had with her and all the love she brought into our lives for the short time she was with us. But I can't help but wonder how she would have grown and changed with each passing day and missing her so badly that it hurts. I never got to hold her until the time she was on her way to heaven and I will never get to see her giggle and laugh. All the dreams and hopes we had for her are all gone now. Though she will live in our hearts forever, I just wish I could hold her and kiss her everyday and show her how much I love her.

I think back to that day and just think what I could've done differently. What could I have done to comfort her or protect her so she would be here with us today. Every day, I ask her for her forgiveness for not being strong enough or wise enough for her when she needed me the most. Visiting her grave, I just think of how cold and alone she is. But then I have to remember that her soul is always with her mommy and daddy, where it will be safe and loved forever.

My husband and I would like to ttc again as soon as possible, but I am still healing from the episiotomy so it's not even a possibility right now. I miss the feeling of having a life growing inside me and of feeling Mila kicking me all the time. In the last few weeks that I was pregnant, I remember thinking how much I would miss the feeling of the baby kicking me- I never knew how badly I would miss it since now my insides just feel empty and lifeless.

We still do not have a proper explanation as to why Mila got so sick. We made the decision after her death to have an autopsy performed and are still awaiting the results. Each day is painful and agonizing, waiting to find out what our angel was fighting against, for her life that day.

Before all this happened, I would be able to just put on a happy face even on days when I was miserable. But I just can't do that anymore. My sadness just runs so deep and I feel like it will never end- like a piece of me is missing and will never come back. It's hard to think of the finality of everything, that nothing can ever be changed, that Mila will never come back.

I decided to write a blog about this because I feel like there is no one to talk to and I need to release these feelings & thoughts someway, somewhere. My husband has a really hard time hearing anything about Mila and I don't want to talk to my family about it since I don't want them worrying about me. I have some great friends, but I feel they could never truly understand how I feel. While I would never wish anything like this to happen to anyone else, it is somewhat helpful to know that I am not alone and that other people have gotten through such tragedies. Things get better day by day and I hope my story may also help give someone else comfort someday.

Posted by md78 | Comments: (3) | Permalink

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