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WELCOME, GUEST |
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(2 members)
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Sophiasmom6 |
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Grace's Mom6 |
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MY LITTLE ANGELS
stacyat |
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| Category: Home | Sun | Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat | | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 |
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DOCTOR APPOINTMENT AND DIAGNOSIS
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Mar 17, 2010 07:05pm (EST)
I updated the ladies in the cafe, but figured I'd update everyone here as well for those of you that don't visit that super cool place!  .
I had my doctors appointment to follow up my tachycardia and got an official diagnosis! White coat syndrome  . They checked my heartrate when I first got in there, it was 100, went down to the 90s after a few minutes. They left me hooked up to the pulse ox to wait for the doctor, it went down to the 80s. The doctor walked in and within about 15 seconds it shot up to 115! They did an EKG just to double check, and sure enough normal sinus rhythm! Though it did take them about 15 minutes because they couldn't get a good reading. I wonder, should I qualify for hazardous duty pay when I go into work at the hospital if I have white coat syndrome?
In other news on my stomach. Been on this vancomycin for two weeks now almost. My culture came back negative. Um, the culture done two weeks ago which caused me to go on the vancomycin because the nurse said it was positive. So I didn't need to go on the vancomycin, because it was negative!! Ugh, the incompetence!
So today. I got a diagnosis, and it's a good one, so I'm happy at that! No more antibiotics, and I'm happy about that too. I got a wonderful relaxing massage, it was great and so relaxing, I think I'll go back. Went to the gift shop and hung out with some friends. Came home and had some yummy mexican chicken corn chowder for dinner. Found the chocolate raspberry yogurt parfait at the commissary and had that for dessert, more yumminess! Made a knot blanket, and am going to take a nice long warm bath to get all the oil out of my hair later and maybe read a book while I'm in there. Overall, sounds like a good day. But somehow, my heart is still heavy, I long to see and hold Emilyn and Hailey. I just want them back. I want them where they belong. Today, I would be considered full term for twins, 36 weeks. They would survive if they were born today, maybe not even have to stay in the NICU if they did well, or maybe only for a week or so. Today, I could be holding them in my arms, nursing them, doing everything possible to make them content babies. Changing their little diapers. Kissing their sweet cheeks and precious toes. Loving on them. I want that, and I want it now, not three and a half months ago. Not loving on two babies that were struggling to survive with no hope of doing so. I want to go back in time.
4NMommy: We're in Guam because my hubby's in the Air Force and we got stationed here! 16 months left (not that I'm counting  ) we're on the downhill slide now! Really, I love Guam, kind of. I now find it amusing all the stuff that goes on here, only on Guam!!
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Posted by stacyat | Comments: (1) | Permalink
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PROBLEM SOLVED......I THINK
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Mar 16, 2010 11:58pm (EST)
Today was better than yesterday. No attempts to make me go down to the NICU, and only one stable patient in the PICU which actually got transferred to the regular floor at lunchtime. I had to jump out of the way to avoid getting pooped on, lol. Changing diapers on a kid with diarrhea that is partly knocked out and starting to wake up and getting mad, not a good idea!!! I love my job! (the whole taking care of kids part, not my boss/coworkers!).
Went and talked to my boss again, I realized something during work today. I had had that conversation with my boss almost a year ago. They kept wanting to call me down to the NICU and I kept telling them no. I talked to my boss, and told her I would rather not come into work than go work in the NICU so she just started calling me the night before if there weren't many patients and I wouldn't come in that shift. My reasoning for not working there, is they are just plain not safe there. While I can only do the best I can do, I will not risk my license (and now mental stability). So I went and talked to my boss again today. Reminded her of the conversation we had a year ago. Her response? Well it's not up to me, it's up to the nursing supervisor. I kindly reminded her, we had the same exact arrangement last year, only now I have more of a reason other than just not wanting to work there because I didn't like it. I hinted that maybe a little caring compassion was needed in this situation as well. I don't think she's got any! She didn't really respond to me, I just told her next time, if there are not many patients and already full with nurses to call and tell me not to come in the next day so I wouldn't get pulled out, problem solved! We'll see what happens! She said she wouldn't be there all the time to do that, like on weekends. I reminded her, I don't work weekends anyway! Haha! Take that! Don't mess with an angel mom! Though I seriously don't think I made any sort of impact on her.  My other issue with yesterday is my coworkers were actually mad that I wouldn't go down to work. They didn't understand how I could take care of babies on the floor yet wouldn't be able to go down to the NICU. My response, there are TWO reasons! First, one baby in a room is totally different than being surrounded by ten. One, you can handle, ten is overwhelming. Second, preemies, think that's all I gotta say. A full termer is a little different than a preemie. Seeing a baby that tiny, and so fragile would bring back way too much right now. Eventually I know I will face it, I'm just not ready yet. Oh, and there are twins there, another slap in the face in addition to them being preemies. I would have thought my coworkers would at least be understanding. I already know my boss has no heart from past experiences, but I would think they at the very least would understand. I think it's partially a cultural thing. The other "american" (that's what we're called, better than haolie I guess!) was fully understanding and said she would have volunteered to go instead of me even if it wasn't her turn if my name was up, and I've only met this lady once before.
Keep my coworker Scotty in your thoughts! He came in last week with back pain, come to find out this week he's got a lung abscess and just got transferred to the ICU and is being put on a ventilator before he tires out and crashes.
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Posted by stacyat | Comments: (4) | Permalink
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HONEYMOON OVER
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Mar 16, 2010 12:32am (EST)
I knew it couldn't last long. The honeymoon is over at work. First thing this morning when I go in, they tell me I'm being pulled down to the NICU. Pretty sure my eyes got as wide as they could get, as I shook my head no. She asked why not, I told her because I just lost my two preemies and I can't handle being around that many babies at once. One baby at a time is one thing, I can deal with that. But surrounded by babies, and preemies at that? Pretty sure that wouldn't go over very well. So after much discussion and them making a huge deal about it, they sent someone else down. Then my boss called me into her office...hmm...never a good sign. She asked me why I wasn't willing to go, and I explained it to her. She told me that if I wasn't ready to work with babies I shouldn't have come back to work. As kindly as I could I told her to shove it. What I really said was that outside of the hospital I don't deal with babies, and I need time to adjust to being around them again. That throwing me into a room surrounded my preemie babies is not the most comfortable place for me just yet, I'm not even adjusted to being back at work yet, I mean, this is my first day off of orientation. She then basically threatened me with cutting my hours, I told her that's fine if she feels she needs to do that, I'm still not comfortable working there. Then she asked if I wanted PICU training, I told her of course, she said well that's the best place to get it, they've got three babies in the NICU. I told her yet again, no, I'm not comfortable with that yet. She told me then I might not get my training in the PICU. Well lady, that's just fine so long as you don't want me working in the PICU! I won't work there again without training, so it's your loss not mine! I of course didn't say that, but I did tell her that when there are PICU patients she can call me and I can come in on days I'm not scheduled so I can get my training. Then she cancelled me the next day, ugh, seriously!! But I'm working tomorrow . We had a kid transfer over to the PICU, and she'll for sure be there tomorrow, so I went in and told my boss that there's now a PICU patient so I'd like to come in tomorrow to train, she reluctantly said yes. I mean, seriously! You knew the situation I was in when you hired me! You knew everything that happened, I sent you a letter and have talked to you since then! Were you not clued in as to what may possibly going on in my head and the difficulties I might face! Anywhere in the mainland would be understanding, and willing to help, but no, not here, not on Guam! It's days like today I miss being at home, where people actually care about you. She asked me for a date I would be ok, I told her a month to get her off my back, we will see. I should dare them to send me down there, see how quickly they can throw me into a panic attack or a mental breakdown and have to send me to the ER. Might be interesting! Reframe: they probably wouldn't ever try to send me down there again, HA!
Ok, off to go "meditate" aka make a blanket, I bought some more fleece, figured I'd need some after the day I had. Tomorrows gotta be better......right? 
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Posted by stacyat | Comments: (8) | Permalink
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PUBLIC BREAKDOWN NUMBER ONE
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Mar 15, 2010 04:08am (EST)
I suddenly realized tonight why I have been avoiding large groups of people since I lost my Emilyn and Hailey. One of the first things that was said to me was "everyone is just filled with babies here". Thank you for pointing that out to me......should have said "yeah, everyone but me." Wonder if that would have stopped her in her tracks? I guess in a way I am filled with my babies, everything in me aches to have them, everything remembers the way they looked, felt, smelled. But it's not the way I want to be filled with them. I want them in my belly playing soccer with my organs. All the pregnant women I could handle, so long as it wasn't pointed out, which it was, and it was pointed out often. Then we were sitting there after the meal and listenting to some of the proposals for the budget, and I hear the generals wife, who mind you is sitting right next to me (ugh....felt like I was sitting next to the school principal as a kid  ) says something along the lines of "I wonder if she'll let me hold the baby". My first thought was, oh please no, not tonight. Not on the fifteen week anniversary of losing my sweet girls. But she did go get the baby and proceeded to sit down next to me. I was able to cope for ten minutes by turning my back to her, and biting my lip. Until he started making those adorable baby sounds. Those sounds I will never hear from my girls. I never heard them utter even a sound. Everyone started cooing over him and about how big he's getting and how cute he is. I lost it. My good friend was sitting next to me and could see what was happening. I got up and practically ran to the bathroom, almost knocking a few people down. Two other people came in to check on me and make sure I was ok, they knew what was going on. My good friend apparantly clued the generals wife in while I was gone. Told her "You know, I think Stacys probably a little sensitive to being around babies" to which she was confused. So my friend said "probably not the best timing to have a baby around her right now" so she brought the baby back to the mom. After she told me she said that I could have given her a huge hug. So nice to have people stick up for me like that. But still, tonight was public breakdown number one, and I'm sure there are many more to come. We will see if I go to another social, tonight was a disaster.
I'm in desperate need of recentering myself. I think I'll go make a knot blanket with my last piece of fleece. May need to buy more.
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Posted by stacyat | Comments: (8) | Permalink
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THAT FAMILIAR FEELING
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Mar 14, 2010 04:40am (EST)
I've still got that familiar feeling, that constant aching consuming my whole body. It's not all consuming this time, it's just a nagging feeling that won't go away. I don't know that it ever will go away for good. It may go away from time to time but it will always be back. Tomorrow will be fifteen weeks since I lost my sweet baby girls, and exactly one month until what my due date should have been. It's been so long, I've lost track of how many weeks it has been and I have to go back and count. I should have to be doing that. I should be counting down the days until I would be considered full term. It should be four days from now since 36 weeks is considered full term for twins. What would they have looked like at 36 weeks? How big would they have been? I'll never know, unfortunately. I saw one of my pregnant friends on facebook say that "she wants her out now". Not because she's sick of being pregnant, she just wants to hold her baby in her arms.......she's 28 weeks pregnant. I want to tell her that no she doesn't, she doesn't want to know what a 28 weeker looks like. No one does. No one wants to have a preemie. Don't get me wrong, they are little miracles, but who would rather have a 28 weeker when they could have a full term baby! I know everyone here would give anything to have a full term baby, a full 40 weeks. I wish I was that innocent. I'll never be that again. I'll know what my baby looks like at 20 weeks and 4 days, and that is something no parent should ever know. Should never see their sweet babies fighting to take a breath, knowing that it won't do any good. Knowing their body forced their angel out where they couldn't survive. It's just so wrong. My sweet Emilyn and Hailey, mommy loves you so much. I miss you every second. I wish I could just hold and see you again, to hold and see you forever. I love you my precious angel girls.
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Posted by stacyat | Comments: (4) | Permalink
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MISSING THEM
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Mar 12, 2010 06:49am (EST)
Tonight I find myself aching to hold them, to see them, just to be near them again. I know life goes on, but every day brings me farther apart from them, farther apart from the last time I kissed their sweet cheeks. Has it really been almost three and a half months? It seems like both the longest time and the shortest time of my life. How can everyone else be moving on with their lives when mine is stuck. Stuck in the best and worst three hours of my life, the three hours I was holding my little angels with them alive, breathing, and fighting. I've been reliving that time over and over today, unable to wrap my mind around everything that I had, that I almost had, and that I lost. I miss Emilyn and Hailey so much, I just want to fall asleep and be with them forever in my dreams. I may fall asleep, and I may see them in my dreams, but tomorrow I will wake up all over again to my forever nightmare, one that I will never wake up from.
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Posted by stacyat | Comments: (8) | Permalink
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SMOOTH TRANSITION
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Mar 09, 2010 02:41am (EST)
Today was my first day back at work. Overall it went pretty smoothly. It was a nice relaxing day back, I had pretty much no responsibility, part of that being the fault of the hospital! I didn't have computer access first thing in the morning, resulting in my not taking on any of my own patients. Once I got access about an hour after work started, I pretty much just hung out and followed some of the other nurses around and talked. It was a slow day at work, seriously slow. We had 3 RNs (including me), 1 LPN, 2 CNAs and a ward clerk on the floor in addition another RN that was the acting unit supervisor for an average of 4 patients throughout the day! Started out with five, discharged two and then got another one in at the end of the shift. It was so slow the LPN was trimming one of the RNs hair.....gross at work in a hospital, I know, but I was not there while they were doing it and it's not as if this hospital is actually accredited (for good reason mind you). It's the only hospital on island with a pediatric ward, so I take what I can get! Loved the kids! We had one frequent flyer, and she's gotten so big since I saw her last in November! I was sad to learn that on top of the two frequent flyers I already knew had passed away in my absence, another three also passed away though I had only taken care of one of the "new" ones I found out about. That is a lot of new precious angels in such a short time, so sad. The coolest part of the day was seeing the neurosurgeon access one of the kids VP shunts! Never seen that done before, didn't even know you could do it that way! I had one annoying comment from previously mentioned NICU doctor, but it was the same comment as before so I just brushed it off, no biggie. Most everyone was really excited to see me though and were rushing up to give me hugs and practically screaming my name when they saw me! I guess not everyone knew I was coming back! Nice to know I was missed  We had several babies at the hospital, and I loved working with them. Those babies don't bother me for some reason. It's just friends babies that are oblivious to the pain that I'm in as they talk incessantly about their own child
I had a huge pang of jealousy today. A friend posted a picture of her 27 week baby bump. That was about the size I was measuring when I gave birth. I wish I didn't have these feelings.
This has been a month of absoloutely not trying for a baby at all, and I'm ok with it. It's not that I don't want a baby, it's almost like I don't think I should get pregnant this month because of the antibiotics I'm on. Between the stomach bug and forgetting to eat yogurt the last time I was on antibiotics, not much in the mood anyway! Though the diflucan is working now. My temp has been all out of wack too, my BBT chart looks like a seismograph so I don't think I'm ovulating this month anyway! Oh well, hopefully my period comes soon so I can start my clomid! That's truly the only way I think I would be able to get pregnant anyway, don't think I ovulate with good quality eggs on my own. 
I decided to advertise my march for babies t-shirts on facebook and on an email to the spouses club and I've gotten a huge response! We've got about 40 people wanting t-shirts, we're going to give them to people who have raised 50 dollars or more and family and sell them for 15 to everyone else. By my calculations that should make us about four hundred dollars for the march of dimes, yay!
So officially no more prozac. I've been so busy I haven't been paying attention if my hands are still trembling or if my muscles are twitching. I'll know for sure thursday when I have a full day off of work. Also, I've decided maybe my tachycardia isn't just doctor induced. It was 110-120 at work today when we were just standing around talking, the lowest it got was 92. Once I got home it was 85, I think as long as I'm resting it's normal but once I get up and moving around it shoots up quickly. I've got an appointment next Thursday for my tachycardia, I think I'm supposed to be getting an EKG at that point. That afternoon I've got a massage scheduled, should be great for lowering my heart rate!
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Posted by stacyat | Comments: (5) | Permalink
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WHERE'S THE COMPASSION?
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Mar 05, 2010 05:46am (EST)
Apparantly it doesn't exist anymore. All I need is oral vancomycin to treat my tummy bug. The bug I've had for three straight months, with only a little letup after my two previous rounds of antibiotics. The doctors response when the pharmacy said they couldn't make it until a pharmacist comes in tomorrow was "it's been three months, what's 18 more hours?". Never mind that I called about my labs at 11:30 am, again at 1:30 pm finally got a call at 2:30 pm, waited an hour and showed up at the clinic and finally got my prescription at 4 pm. Found out no pharmacies carry the med, so I need to get it from navy (which mind you I was told they didn't have in when I got the prescription in the first place) at 4:45, at which time the pharmacist was still there. But did she take the 5 minutes to mix it up for me? No! She wants me to wait until tomorrow! So I went to the ER, figuring they'd be able to get it for me. WRONG! Apparantly 18 hours doesn't matter. How would they like it if I gave them c.diff for the next 18 hours and then tell me how much it doesn't matter. Let's see, what effect has this had on my body already? I am 10 pounds lighter than when I got pregnant, making a grand total of 32 pounds lost since I gave birth just three months ago. My stomach is always cramping, any time I eat, it gets worse. I have been through two rounds of flagyl, 5 visits to the doctor and now one to the ER. Today add to that diflucan after another visit to the doctor (not included in the 5 visits). A round of expensive probiotics. What more do you want before you'll be willing to go out on a limb and actually treat me! You know what I've got, you know exactly how to treat it, why can't you just give it to me? I have lost everything and I want it back. Why does it seem like every disappointment sets me back. Every disappointment brings me to tears. It seems like every time I get something that goes wrong whether it's related to them or not I automatically am thrown back to the day I lost them and I'm not sure why. I just want it to stop. I want to be a little over 34 weeks pregnant now complaining about how big I am. I just want to be normal. Why can't I be normal?
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Posted by stacyat | Comments: (5) | Permalink
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ANOTHER ANGEL
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Mar 04, 2010 12:25am (EST)
I am overcome with sadness right now. But not for me for once. I went into work today to get everything taken care of before I start back. I was sitting up on the pediatrics unit waiting for the acting unit supervisor to get out of a meeting so I could get on the schedule. While I was waiting I was talking to some of my coworkers. I found out that there another angel went to heaven last month. This little baby was one of our long-termers. He was a preemie, born around 27-28 weeks I think and was in and out of the hospital, he was struggling but we had gotten him back to health and gaining weight. Still very very small for his age, but gaining instead of losing now. I guess while I was gone he came and went one or two other times, but the last time he went he never came back. His mom went to go feed him and his little heart had given out. He struggled the entire seven months of his life, and unfortunately from what I saw his parents just didn't care about him. In fact, I never met his mother and he was there the last three months I was working. I am so sad for this little boy, he was such a precious little guy. I wish he didn't have to fight so hard. I wish no child had to fight so hard just to survive. All us nurses spoiled him rotten. We were all his Aunties, and loved him like our own. I am glad that I went in for one last goodbye on my last shift. I got to see him with only one tube in him, no IVs and no vents, almost strong enough to eat by mouth. I got to hold him while he got his feedings, let him know he was loved. What a darling little guy, he was loved by the entire floor. I guess at least if he didn't have the love of his mother, he had at least fifteen aunties there to spoil him rotten. Rest in peace baby boy, you are missed. I hope you have found my little Emilyn and Hailey and are playing together in heaven.
I start work on Tuesday morning, I am excited to get back.
My labs came back. I'm definitely not anemic, in fact I'm on the high side of normal. My thyroid levels look good too. So I guess we'll be doing an EKG sometime next week, haven't heard from the doc though so we'll see. Been checking my heart rate at home, all below 80....weird! Maybe it's doctor induced tachycardia?
Stacy
Update: Ok, seriously. When will it end? I have not been completely healthy since giving birth. I'm just so tired of this, and so tired of doctors. Thus far I've had uterine/vaginal infection, tummy infection, return of tummy infection, tachycardia, and now? Another infection, secondary to my last round of antibiotics I think. That's a lot for three months. I feel like I'm constantly at the doctors, and I've honestly had enough of them. I really don't want to go back, but I need to get healthy! Ugh, when will it end?
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Posted by stacyat | Comments: (6) | Permalink
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