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NathansMom13

September 2010

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WELCOME SUPRISE

Sep 01, 2010 08:11am (EST)

I took Nathan to the pediatrician on Monday for a follow-up, he was slightly sick last week so we took him in since we were going away. Monday was his follow-up and the dr. said that as long as I think he's OK we don't need to go back, and I think he's much better.

When we were leaving there was another mom sitting in the waiting room with her son who looked to be about 7 or 8. Nathan loves other kids so he was staring at the other boy and I wasn't paying much attention since I was checking us out and making his 3 year old appt. Then I heard the other mom explaining to her son what Nathan's trach was and I was shocked. First, most people we encounter have NO idea what it is so they just stare at Nathan; Second, if people have questions about it they usually whisper to one another so I don't hear them talking about it. I was so happy to see this mom answering her son's question in an honset way that made it seem like it was no big deal that Nathan has a trach. She really knew a lot about it (a lot for most people) and it was a nice suprise.

Let me say, I would prefer people to ask me questions than to whisper about it when they think I can't hear. I would prefer questions to stares, I want people to be comfortable around Nathan. Once I was done checking out the other mom looked at me and said 'tell me if i'm wrong' but she wasn't. Everything she had told her son was correct. I wish more parents were like her and encouraged their kids to ask honset questions (in a nice way) rather than just stare and ignore Nathan since he is a little different.

Also, I booked my flight for SU last night and I can't wait!!! I am so excited to go, only one more month. I am feeling more comfortable with how much milk I have for Trevor, I already have 90 ounces and want to get about 60 more before I leave. Then I will be sure that Trevor will have enough food for while I'm gone for SU and for the overnight trip Matt and I are taking earlier in the week.

Better go, Trevor is crying and wants to be held.
Laura

Posted by NathansMom13 | Comments: (4) | Permalink

THANK YOU

Jul 25, 2010 03:27pm (EST)

I had a doctor appt. the other day at my OB's office, it was my 6 week check. First, I can't believe Trevor is 6 weeks old already - where has the time gone? He is starting to sleep a little better and by that I mean he's getting up 3 or 4 times a night! I have finally figure out how to nurse him while laying down which is MUCH easier to do in the middle of the night. We have started potty training Nathan and he's doing great. We started last week and for the entire first week we didn't leave the house and Nathan only wore bottoms when his therapists were here, other than that he was naked! He remembered to pee much better when he was naked, had more accidents with the undies on. So now he's wearing his underwear and is doing great. I hope he keeps doind so good, then he will only need to wear a diaper at night and during naps!

Now, on to the reason for my title. I am so thankful that I have met all of you. I know most of you are here because you have lost a child and I know you would all give up Share if it meant having your children back, but I'm so very thankful to have had the opportunity to meet all of you and learn from you. Before I met you I had no idea what it was like to lose a child, I still don't, but now I konw what to say and what not to say to an angel mommy. The main lesson I have learned is that even if it makes you upset and sad, you like to talk about your children.

While I was at my OB's office a woman walked in and looked at Trevor. That started a conversation and while we were talking she told me that she had a daughter at 23 weeks 6 years ago, and she lived for 2 years before she passed away. Before I met all of you I would have said "I'm sorry" and ended the conversation there, not wanting to upset her and because the conversation was a little uncomfortable for me to even think about. Instead I asked her what her daughters name was, and then she talked about her daughter. She told me stories, I could tell she was a little suprised that someone wanted to talk about her daughter. I was proud of myself - I know I will never understand what it is like to lose a child, but at least I now know how to talk to a mom who has.

So, thank you! I know that doesn't help ease the pain of losing a child, but when all of you talk about all the insensitive things people have said to you and what you wish they would have said instead, know that I'm listening. And I'm glad you are able to talk through your pain, it helps me learn what things I shuld say.

I hope none of this came across as insensitive, that wasn't me intention at all. I just waned you all to know that I've learned a lot from being friends with all of you and I'm grateful for what I've learned.

Well, I have to go now. Nathan just threw a toy at Trevor trying to make him happy and ended up making him cry, at least he had good intentions!
Laura

Posted by NathansMom13 | Comments: (5) | Permalink

LACK OF SLEEP

Jul 10, 2010 06:52am (EST)

Why do people tell new nursing mothers that sleep is important, no kidding! It's like telling someone that breathing is important. Believe me, I know sleep is important. I also know that getting a good night's sleep is like taking a walk in the woods and running into big foot!

Nathan came home from the hospital 5 months old, completley tube fed at night with nurses who worked overnight. Nathan NEVER woke up at night, I wasn't sleep deprived when he came home. I was actually quite well rested. Call me dumb but I thought I would feel the same way time time. I neglected to consider the fact that Trevor isn't tube fed, he isn't 5 months old and he doesn't have overnight nurses.

Trevor is still staying awake all night. He was getting better but I decided to try cheese a couple days ago and I guess it still isnt out of my system. He's constantly crying because he's so gassy and generally uncomfortable. Matt can't help at night because I'm breastfeeding and for some unknown reason only women can do that

I would give up a lot of things to be able to sleep more at night. But that brings me to a question. Why is it that when I was in college 2 hours of sleep a night was great and I felt well reated but now I get 2 hours of sleep and have trouble remembering my own name I'm so tired. Let me tell ya, if I knew then how little sleep I'd be getting now I would have slept more then!

Oh well, I know he's only going to go through this phase once and it won't last forever. I'm just more tired than I thought possible and ready to get more sleep. Oh, and that line about sleeping when the baby sleeps - impossible when you have an older child and they never sleep at the same time!
Laura

Posted by NathansMom13 | Comments: (4) | Permalink

AM I "OVER IT"

Jul 04, 2010 07:20pm (EST)

I went to my friend's house today for a family bbq they were having. I've known him since high school and as a result I am treated like family so I get invited to their parties. His stepbrother and his wife have a 10 month old son and it was AMAZING to see the difference in our parenting styles.

I would have thought that given what I've been through I would have been the one more worried about germs and cleanliness, I would have been wrong to think that. Erin (the baby's mom) is a really nice person, but she is neurotic about germs - worse than NICU neurotic. She said that when Evan was first born she didn't let anyone go to their house, only immediate family, because she didn't want him to get sick. She doesn't let anyone else touch or hold Evan because of germs and she didn't let him get anywhere near Trevor because she didn't want them to share germs.

Meanwhile, I was letting everyone hold Trevor - that meant that I didn't have to be holding him at that second and it was a welcome break. I had Nathan sit on the floor because he wanted to hold Trevor, so I layed Trevor on his lap and went to take my nursing wrap off (I had just fed him). While I'm doing that Trevor rolled to one side and slid off Nathan's legs, please keep in mind that Nathan isn't a giant so he slid about two inches to the very soft carpeted floor below him. I thought Erin was going to have a heart attack, when I saw the look on her face I laughed and said "see, they don't break."

There were a few other things throughout the afternoon that made me think, am I over the NICU? Have I reached a place where I no longer care about germs? I realized something, I'm not over it, not yet. I just know what is and what isn't important and worth worrying about. When the surgeon said to me "If he makes it through surgery..." things were put into perspective for me. That was the night I learned what was worth worrying about and, for me, most things weren't worth worrying about in relation to a normal/healthy child. I don't fault anyone for how they parent, each parent has every right to parent however they want to, but it just showed me the difference between myself and most other parents.

I'm glad I'm able to be so relaxed about most things. I'm glad I'm not uptight and worried about every little thing. I don't let a lot of stuff bother me, I know that kids are going to get cuts and scrapes and bumps and bruises - there is nothing I can do to change that. I never thought I would say this, I learned a lot from our NICU experience and I'm a better mom for having gone through it.

Hope all of you had a great 4th of July!
Laura

Posted by NathansMom13 | Comments: (2) | Permalink

SUPERMOM COMPLEX

Jun 21, 2010 01:37pm (EST)

I feel like even though I have an 11 day old in the house that I need to be supermom and not ask for help with anything and do everything by myself. I hate feeling like this, I could really use some help, but I feel like I need to do it all alone. Before I had Trevor I did it all alone and I feel like even though he's only 11 days old and I'm still recovering from surgery that I need to go right back to the way things were.

I think i may have figured out why I am feeling like this. After I had Nathan I had no newborn in the house so I was able to do everything. I could do all the laundry, clean the house, etc... and still spend hours and hours at the hospital. I wasn't getting up in the middle of the night the way I am now. Then I would get up for 20 minutes every 3 hours to pump and that was it. Now I am getting up every 2 hours and staying awake for an hour, leading me to sleep for 1 hour intervals all night - I'm exhausted.

Nathan was in the NICU and I didn't have to take care of him, I wasn't responsible for his well-being, his nurse was. I had time to myself, time to take a nap and still take care of things around the house. Now I have no time for anything unless I stay up late which I don't really want to do. I feel like a failure if I take a nap (Tracy, set me straight!!!!), or don't get everything done that I think needs to get done.

It is such a different experience to have a newborn in the house, one that I am grateful to have, but I didn't realize how much work it would be. Don't get me wrong, this is easier than going to the hospital each day to see if a stranger would allow me to hold my child, I just didn't realize how much work it would be.

I need to allow myself to sleep when the baby sleeps, to let the laundry go a few more days if I don't have the energy to do it, to not be so hard on myself if I feel like I haven't spent enough time with Nathan on any given day. I need to forgive myself for being the parent that I am because I am doing my best, and things will get better. Trevor will start sleeping more, eventually.

I just wish I had been better prepared for having a healthy baby. I'm a NICU mom and always will be, I have no idea what to do with a healthy newborn but I'm learning. I need to allow myself to act like a first time mom because I essentially am, I've never had a newborn in the house and I am still learning.

Wow, I've never been so rambly in my whole life - well, maybe I have, you tell me

But for now I need to go, the little monster is hungry and I need to go feed him.
Laura

Posting a couple pictures, one is Nathan holding Trevor - he loves to hold him. The second one is just Nathan, please note the goggles he's wearing, he wears them all the time.

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Posted by NathansMom13 | Comments: (4) | Permalink

FEEDING

Jun 19, 2010 01:13pm (EST)

I never got the opportunity to breastfeed Nathan, he didn't start eating by mouth until he was over a year old. I pumped breast milk for the first 4 months until it got too stressful and then stopped. When I got pregnant with Trevor I knew that I wanted to breastfeed him, I did it for his brother so I wanted to do the same for him.

No one told me how hard breastfeeding is, all I heard was that it was the natural choice and it's what is best for the baby. Keeping that in mind, I know breastfeeding is good but it's also exhausting. I am the only one who can get up with Trevor in the middle of the night since I am the only one who can feed him.

I also didn't realize that what I eat directly affects my milk and can (and does) give Trevor gas. Figuring out what it is that's giving him gas is maddening. He is only a little over a week old and only gets gassy at night and this has been going on for only a couple days. I am so upset I have no idea what to do.

I am exhausted and frustrated, as I assume all new mom's are at some point. I don't want to give Trevor gas, I want him to be comfortable, I also want to get some sleep at night. I know that if he stops getting so gassy at night that we will start getting more sleep, but I don't know what's causing his gas. How do I figure it out? How do I know what I am eating that is suddenly causing his gas?

I just want a good night's sleep for all of us, and for Trevor to not have such bad gas anymore. I just don't know what to do. TO make matters worse, Matt just went back to work. He had a week off and last night was his first night back. I did fine since I just had Trevor, Nathan was at my parents house. Tomorrow will be my first morning alone wtih both boys and I'm a little nervous. I'm sure we will be fine I'm just a little nervous about how Nathan will behave since he has been going downhill a little with his behavior.

OK, I needed to get that all out. I know I will eventually figure out what is causing Trevor's gas and I will get into a routine with both boys and will one day be as confident with two boys as I was with one, it's just going to take a few days to get there.
Laura

Posted by NathansMom13 | Comments: (7) | Permalink

MORE DETAILS

Jun 13, 2010 05:32am (EST)

Hi everyone! Trevor is in the nursery with the doctors making sure he is ready to go home so I thought I would update you all with a few more details.

My c-section went great. I got to the hospital at 6:30am and the surgery started right on time at 8:30 and he was born at 9:01. I went to the recovery room right after the surgery, I had to stay there until I could move my legs again. Almost 2 hours later I was ready to be moved to my post-partum room.

Once I got to my room they took T to the nursery so he could get cleaned up a little and get examined by the doctors to make sure he was OK. A little while later a nurse came in and says "So we called the NICU..." I nearly cried. So goes on to say that he has an irregular heartbeat and a heart murmur so they had to call the NICU to come look at him. The NICU would then have to be the ones to call the cardiologist to examine him. Immediately I texted Katherine (she was Nathan's nurse, I wanted her opinion) and she then called the NICU to find out who was going to go down to see him. One of her good friends came down to talk to us, she is a great nurse who spent a LOT of time making sure we understood that the NICU doctors weren't worried at all about him. I guess a lof of babies have the same problem when they are born, it's just a PDA that doesn't close as quickly as it should.

While I'm THRILLED that T is OK I am annoyed with the nurse. She should have read my history and then she would have known that I had a child in the NICU so starting a sentence with "we called the NICU" isn't a great idea. She could have said, T is OK but...

So for the rest of the day I just relaxed in bed, I wasn't able to get up until that night, and tried to rest. Nathan has been doing great with T, I can't believe how much he loves him. When N first saw T I asked if he wanted to hold him and he didn't, but a few minutes later he did. Also, I asked N to give T a kiss - so he leaned down to T like he was going to kiss his head, and then he licked him. It was so cute, and N was so proud of himself.

We have talked to the cardiologist a few times and he says that he doesn't hear anything irregular about T's heartbeat and isn't concerned at all. I guess we will need to follow up in a few weeks but thats more of a formality than anything else.

We are supposed to get discharged today so I'm not sure when I will have a chance to update again. I'm sure the first few days home will be a little chaotic trying to get back into a routine with both boys. Thanks for all the well wishes!!
Laura

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Posted by NathansMom13 | Comments: (6) | Permalink

TREVOR

Jun 12, 2010 10:15am (EST)

Hi everyone!! On Thursday the 10th at 9:01am a beautiful HEALTHY baby boy entered my life. We named him Trevor Raymond and he is perfect. He weighed 7lbs and 12ozs, 19 inches long. It was a wonderful day and we are still in the hospital, hoping to go home tomorrow. Since I had a c-section I'm still in pain and taking pain medicine and taking care of the baby is taking its toll on me but we're figuring it out.

I will update more once I'm home and have more time. I just wanted to let you all know that he is here and I couldn't be more appreciative of all of your support over the last 9 months. You were all there for me during this pregnancy and I don't think I would have stayed as sane as I did without all of you!

I am posting some pictures of our new little man. The first is our first picture with him while we were still in the operating room, can you tell I've been given some nice drugs?! The second is Nathan and Trevor together, Nathan loves him. The last one is just Trevor.

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Posted by NathansMom13 | Comments: (7) | Permalink

FRIDAY

May 30, 2010 06:02am (EST)

Friday was a veyr long day for me. I woke up at 5am to the neighbors dog barking (seriously, 5am!!) and realized that I didn't want to move because my headache was so bad. I never get headaches so I was a little concerned but more than that I was tired since I hadn't been able to fall asleep until after 1am so I tried to go back to sleep. I slept a little on and off until around 6 when I just couldn't take the headache anymore.

I went downstairs to check my blood pressure and sure enough it was WAYYY to high. So I called my Dr. and he made me go to the hospital to make sure both me and the baby were OK. Matt didn't get home from work until around 3am so when I woke him up to tell him that I had to go to the hospital he wasn't that thrilled. He was concerned but he had just worked all night and needed to sleep. So I told him to stay at home with Nathan so that he wouldn't wake up with no parents there (we would have called his grandparents, not left him alone

). I took myself to the hospital and it seemed like the longest drive. All I could think about was what could go wrong.

So when I got to the hospital my BP was still way to high. It took a while of lying on my left side but it eventually came back down to mostly normal. It was normal for me but high for most other people. I was there for 3 hours before I even saw a dr., I guess Friday morning is the worst time to go to the hospital since they are a teaching hospital and all the dr's are in lecture on friday am (the residents learning and the attendings teaching). So finally a midwife came to see me and told me that since my BP had gone back down and my urine had no protien that I could go home as long as I followed up with my dr. on tuesday. I already have an appt. for tuesday morning so I was all set to leave.

I talked to my mom while I was at the hospital and she just stresses me out more. She was mad that matt didn't go to the hospital with me, even though I was the one who told him to stay at home - he did offer to come with me. She was mad that I wouldn't let her come to the hospital, I knew she would send my BP higher and there was no use anyone else just sitting around with me, it was as fun as watching paint dry. She just doesn't understand that I get to make the decisions, not her. I know she's worried about me but we are different people and handle these situations differently. I like to be alone and relax while she would have liked to have had the ENTIRE family there worrying.

Saturday I noticed that my feet were really swollen. I was up a lot during the day but that's not that different from any other day so I guess I will have to mention that to my dr. when I go on Tuesday. Hopefully he doesn't put me on bedrest, but when I go I will only be 2 weeks away from delivery so I guess 2 weeks of bedrest is better than 2 trimesters of it.
Laura

Posted by NathansMom13 | Comments: (4) | Permalink

BAD FRIEND

May 27, 2010 06:00pm (EST)

I have been a bad friend to everyone lately. I have been a bad mom, a bad wife and a bad friend. I don't have a good reason, it's just the mood I'm in.

I can feel my mood chaning as I get closer and closer to delivery. I have been rude to people, I have been mean to people I care about and am overall in a mean-spirited mood all the time.

I need more from people than I can give. I need people to be there for me and to understand how I am feeling. This is an impossible task though since I have NO idea how I am feeling. I am scared, nervous, angry and excited all at the same time.

Scared because I want this baby to be healthy and I'm afraid he's not.

Nervous because I'm worried about what will happen if this baby is born sick.

Angry about everything I didn't get with Nathan.

Excited because in 19 short (long?) days I will have my second son and I can't wait to meet him.

I think I'm feeling the way I am because I am *this* much closer to delivering again and that is bringing up all the memories I have of Nathan's birth. While I knew he was going to the NICU I wasn't prepared for how hard it was going to be to be in the post-partum area with no baby to hold. I am worried the nurse's will see that I'm a 2nd time mom and will assume I know how to breast feed and do all the little things that come along with a newborn that most 2nd time mom's know. I don't know, I may be a 2nd time mom but this will be my first time with a newborn.

I just need delivery day to be here, I need the baby to be here and be healthy. I need more than I can have right now. I know that these last few weeks are VERY important to the baby's development. I will be considered full term on Sunday, that is only a few days away.

Thanks for listening to my rant, and for being a better friend to me than I can be to you right now, it really does mean a lot to me.
Laura

Posted by NathansMom13 | Comments: (5) | Permalink

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