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WELCOME, GUEST |
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(3 members)
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momtobe336 |
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Akeelah's Mo…6 |
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lvazquez6 |
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OUR BLUEBERRY
Akeelah's Mommy |
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| Category: Home | Sun | Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat | | | | 1 | | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 |
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A MIND DRIFT
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Aug 30, 2010 10:35pm (EST)
The mind drifts.
Yesterday while standing at the kitchen sink rinsing dishes my mind drifted. Drifted as it always does to Akeelah... then past Akeelah to all the things that happened to me and her. For the millionth time I wondered why I wasn't kept in the hospital... sent back to Maui. My mind drifted through each what if... played them all out... what each little change might have led to. I sucked back the tears that inevitably accompany each what if. The inevitable exhaustion accompanied the thoughts. The heaviness of living with what ifs for the rest of my days.
I am getting used to living my life with Akeelah in my heart. I can live with that... it's not easy, it's not fun, I'd give my life to change it, but I can live my days with her in my heart knowing we're always together. It doesn't feel overwhelming.
When my mind drifts to Akeelah I smile. I remember her and her soft skin and my heart is light. But if only I could find a way to harness my mind from drifting past her to the things that happened.
It's those thoughts that exhaust me, that wear down my smile and bring me to tears.
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (6) | Permalink
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THESE DAYS...
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Aug 28, 2010 03:10pm (EST)
What to do with these days. Yesterday was the twenty seventh. I got myself some pretty purple flowers and as I do every day considered the life that should have been. I saw a mom wearing her baby and holding the hand of a little maybe two year old girl and sighed forever missing my life.
And today... a day that I looked forward to, at least used to. Akeelah's EDD... and boy is the E underrated. Twenty six months after Akeelah was born am I wonder about these days. Will I always buy flowers on the twenty seventh? Today I say yes, but what if one day I forget, what if one day I don't... it will be a loss upon loss... guilt upon guilt. And what do I do with her EDD? I know it's today, but is this a day that I hang on to as well? Other parents probably don't. I don't feel a connection to Micah's EDD...
I don't know. These days are hard as I round the two year mark. All the firsts are gone... all the seconds have past. What do I do the 3rd time I mark her EDD... the 5th... the 20th? What do I do on her 30th birthday... the 200th twenty seventh?
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (6) | Permalink
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THREE OH
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Aug 11, 2010 12:02pm (EST)
I have a birthday coming up next week... a big one. The big three oh. I think I would look forward to this birthday if my life was where it was supposed to be. Hitting the three oh with a toddler toddling and an infant nursing would be perfect. I could say I did my child bearing in my twenties, be done and moving on to new chapters in my life with a feeling of closure on the past decade. It doesn't help that what could have been, should have been Akeelah's birthday, her EDD coincides my birthday.
Moving to the three oh without that chapter in my life unfinished leaves me feeling downright depressed. Depressed with the knowledge that it will never feel finished. The knowledge that a part of me believes that in the process of being pregnant I can some way bring back Akeelah.. or hold out some shred of hope that I'll have the opportunity to give birth to her again, not a new sibling. This coupled with the fact that my heart knows but wishes to ignore that I could have a million more children and never, ever, ever plug the gaping hole in my heart.
I miss the life I was supposed to have. I find myself staring more frequently at families with toddler and infants, staring with envy and longing and the life I was supposed to live. *That* family, that perfect innocent family. I miss my life, I miss my daughter.
I feel guilty about having a birthday. My parents always call around the time I was born and tell me about the day and now it makes me angry. Why did I have everything go right... what I would do to give that gift to my daughter.
Stupid birthday.
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (8) | Permalink
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HELP ME REMEMBER TODAY, TOMORROW.
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Jul 30, 2010 10:09pm (EST)
I don't feel up to writing about today just yet. Doing things like that are always so draining. I feel the pressure of all angel mommies to be, wanting everything to be done right by them. I'm thankful for the opportunity, but yeesh it's exhausting. But I wanted to leave them with something to remind them always of how important their role is in our journey. So, I wrote this and wanted to share.
Help Me Remember Today, Tomorrow
By Me  Lauren Wilson
My baby died today.
My heart, my dreams shattered in a moment.
Today I feel only pain.
Today is the worst day of my life.
Today is the day I watched my baby,
my life, my dreams slip through my fingers.
Today, I want today to go away.
Tomorrow, next week, next year I will ache for today.
I will wish for one more moment, one more picture, one more kiss.
Tomorrow, next week, next year, today will be the best day of my life.
Today will be the day I met my baby,
held and kissed my little one for the first time.
Today I may say I want to forget.
Tomorrow I will long to remember.
Guide me.
Encourage each moment I will love them fully.
Take the pictures I will need tomorrow.
Cut the hair I will treasure forever.
Make the prints I will hang on my wall.
Give me the clothes and blankets I will hold always.
Help me remember today, tomorrow.
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (15) | Permalink
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TREPIDATION
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Jul 29, 2010 03:16pm (EST)
I'm going back to the hospital tomorrow for a meeting. If only you could see my face as I write this. I have a look of disgust. I can feel the tension just thinking about going back there. I hate that place. I hate that I can see it from my house. I hate that there are only so many roads that often times I have to see it up close. I hate that it is there. To me it is just a place of death and I swear there are times when I feel it looming over me.
But tomorrow I will gather all my courage to go back there for a meeting. A meeting with their ob nurse manager and chaplain to assist them with their standards of practice when it comes to dealing with the loss of little ones. I hate having to go. I'm so humbled by their willingness to accept feedback and their efforts to do more, but I wish it was all just implied. That it just happened. Silly wish I know.
I hope tomorrow goes well. That all the strength that the day will drain from me will be worth it if they implement some of the changes. I want it to be worth it.
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (7) | Permalink
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LIVING IN 2008
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Jul 28, 2010 01:04am (EST)
I've been sitting at this empty box for awhile, knowing I want to write something, but at a loss for what it is. Today was one of those melancholy days. The kind of day when I live in the past, trying for the umpteenth time to change something... anything and missing Akeelah with every cell. One of those days when the reality of my life takes my breath away. Did this really all happen? Is my reality really that I kissed my sweet daughter for the very last time over two years ago? It is still unbelievable to me.
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (6) | Permalink
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STOPPING TRAFFIC
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Jul 15, 2010 02:38pm (EST)
Yesterday Lance had an intense allergy attack. I was able to get us an appointment with his ENT. The same ENT that was called in to intubate Akeelah. I wanted to believe that Lance could drive himself, but given that his eyes had basically swollen shut, I was going to the appointment.
I remember this Dr. He was nice, I remember him speaking very warmly and calmly while trying to intubate her. I remember him being tall and watching him bend so far over to work on her. I remember his scrubs... scrubs that made me shudder anytime I saw Lance in the same color.
I didn't remember his face. When he walked into the appointment I realized I don't think I ever looked at him, my eyes were fixed on her. I remembered his voice.
When the appointment was over he asked the standard, "any other questions?". I just blurted out, "I remember you, you tried to intubate our daughter." His face warmed. He knew that. He remembered. He knew her name. Melt my heart.
He told us how sorry he was. That he was at the office that morning and got the call to come to the hospital. He said he jumped in his car and sped to the hospital and was so angry that there was some police thing blocking his way and he yelled out the car window that this was an emergency and that the police officer stopped traffic to let him through.
I wish so much more than traffic could have been stopped that day. I wish I could have stopped time, better yet, rewound it, but knowing that traffic was stopped... well that's something.
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (8) | Permalink
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