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WELCOME, GUEST |
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(4 members)
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2MiracleBoys6 |
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Page's76 |
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stephtuvera_…6 |
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OUR BLUEBERRY
Akeelah's Mommy |
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| Category: Home | Sun | Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat | | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 |
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CALM BEFORE THE STORM
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Mar 04, 2010 03:20pm (EST)
You know those days when things are going ok. Those eerie days when you feel far from your feelings. You are going through the motions. I think those are the only days I've had since Micah was born. It scares me because I know behind all the pragmatics of the day there is a wave of emotions just waiting to crash and pull me under.
I find myself walking on eggshells around myself not able to take it all in. If I do I just know that wave will come full blast. But honestly, how long can I really hold it back? Inevitably it will wash over me. I guess maybe because it's inevitable I shouldn't even worry about it...
Just reminded myself of a quote.. "Worrying does not empty to tomorrow of it's troubles, it robs today of it's strength."
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (9) | Permalink
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PAINLESS MEMORIES
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Feb 21, 2010 09:19pm (EST)
So last night Micah turned one week old. One week. It's wild that a week has already passed. It's more odd that I was frightened of the day. It's been so ingrained into my reality that those milestones should be filled with pain. I imagined, or maybe anticipated having to relive another horrible painful memory like the week after Akeelah was born.
It didn't happen. Micah's birth story is all peaceful. It's eerie. I find it so sad that a peaceful story is taking some getting used to. Of course I'm thankful, so very thankful for it, but it is honestly taking some getting used to. I won't have to fear or feel anxiety about his upcoming milestones. They will be good. I won't have to mark his time by days lost but days gained. It's just strange.
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (14) | Permalink
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STARTING TO LET IT OUT
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Feb 20, 2010 01:08pm (EST)
Where to begin... I haven't a clue. Last Friday I was in the hospital playing and actually winning a game of solitaire without cheating. Lance had gone out so I could live vicariously through him and trekked all the way from the hospital to Diamond Head, which I could see from my room and trust me it's far! The nurse came in for my bp reading and no one liked what they saw. So I crawled into bed and "relaxed". After 30min nothing changed and we started a med to bring it down which worked.
When my amazing, wonderful, can never say enough good things about him doctor came to check in on us he was not thrilled with my bp and since we were only 6hrs away from "official" full term status decided induction was for the best. We started the mag and cervidil that evening. Nuf' said about my condition at that point with mag. Gosh that stuff is terrible! It was an uneventful (and sweltering!) night letting the medications do their thing.
By morning we were having what I described at "lame" contractions every 3-5min. So out came the cervidil and in went the Pitocin. We had our favorite play list going and we're hanging out feeling good and calm. The contractions stayed pretty lame until the mid-afternoon. By mid-afternoon I was having to do my guided visualizations that I had worked on with my psychologist all through out my pregnancy. Ok, sounds kind of hokey, but seriously I swear by it!
We chose to do an epidural this time around. Akeelah's delivery was au natural, so I really felt been there done that. I was also pretty sure that feeling those late intense contractions would be a trigger for me and bring me right back to her traumatic birth. The anesthesiologist (who was one hot tamale!) did the epidural... um ok, that is the coolest thing in the entire world! Did the person who invented that get a Nobel Prize? They should.
Not long after we got the epidural they broke our water and things progressed a bit more quickly after that. It wasn't long until lil' dude was in "positive" territory and ready to make his appearance. Even through our peri was off that night he came in to catch our lil' dude- yes, seriously, can not say enough good things about him!
When I thought of what I wanted this birth to be like I knew I wanted it calm and quiet. Akeelah's delivery was so loud and everything moved so fast. Amazingly I got my calm and quiet delivery.
It was actually kind of funny. Our doctor asked something about how to push and I said yep, "walk into the water, spin around, hang out and walk out"- which of course was my visualization for getting through the contractions! I walked into the water at my favorite beach when they started, hung out in the water, and then when they were finishing the wave would recede and I would step out. He looked totally confused! He was talking about where to put my hands and I was talking about where to put my mind!
So after calmly and quietly pushing through 3 contractions (seriously, room was silent, except for play list!) out popped lil' Micah who immediately broke the silence with a ridiculously loud cry. Our doctor told us our delivery was like being at a yoga class- for us this was perfect.
I honestly couldn't ask for a better end to our pregnancy journey. It was everything I wanted and needed. We had Akeelah's blanket with us and her teddy bear. The nursing staff and doctor knew about her and weren't afraid to talk to us about her. We had our own blankets for baby (so we wouldn't see the ones Akeelah was put in) and the nurses remembered to put him in them. They even went on a hunt for a different hat. I feel beyond lucky and thankful for each person that was put in our path during this pregnancy.
It's of course amazingly bittersweet. There are some angles that I look at Micah and he looks exactly like Akeelah. They have the same nose and profile. I don't know if it is more heartbreaking or warming.. maybe a balance of both.
Big deep breath. That's all I got so far.
DSC04701
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (17) | Permalink
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JUST THE FACTS: A LIL' BRO
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Feb 15, 2010 01:38am (EST)
Akeelah's lil' bro Micah Sean was born last night (2/13) at 11:28pm. He weighed in at 6lbs 12oz and 19.25in. He was born at 37 weeks on the dot. When we get home I'll post pictures and actual thoughts of the event.
Much love!
Lauren 
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (35) | Permalink
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ADMITTED
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Feb 10, 2010 09:15pm (EST)
Big sigh. We got admitted to the hospital for the remainder of our pregnancy due to my multiple personality blood pressure. The first day it was alarmingly high and we were contracting every 3-5min the second day it was low low and I had dreams of getting a few days at home, but no such luck. We'll be staying put.
It's a big bag of mixed emotions being back here. The smells bring back so much. Today I found a place for my anger. It needed to be acknowledged and I had to remind myself that because of that anger no matter what happens I will have a regret free pregnancy and that is an amazing gift.
So that's the latest from our lil' jail cell or as Tracy helped me reframe, hotel with roomservice included and personal assistants! 
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (14) | Permalink
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WHERE TO PUT YOU.
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Feb 08, 2010 03:36pm (EST)
Oh the roller coaster of grief. Anger has crept it's way back into my heart and set up camp. Oh how I'd like to evict this ole' stage but there it stays sucking all energy and life from the room.
And what's most annoying is that I can look from afar and see this anger and recognize how stupid and ungrateful it makes me. Here I am feeling angry about the poor care Akeelah received and resenting the amazing care her sibling is getting. I'm feeling angry about delivering at the best hospital in the Pacific. At this point this baby could be born anywhere and be ok. That was never the case with Akeelah. She was born in a hospital that didn't have instruments small enough to intubate her. I will never ever ever understand why we were ever sent back to Maui with Akeelah and sent to O'ahu so cautiously with this pregnancy. Her need was so much more critical.
I'm angry about being angry, a real useful cycle to get into.  The resentment of care is bringing back all my fears that it will creep into resentment of this lil' one. I wish I could feel only gratefulness with no if ands or buts. I can faintly remember what it was like to feel an emotion so purely. It's exhausting to continually take life with a grain of salt.
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (14) | Permalink
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NOT MYSELF
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Feb 03, 2010 05:33pm (EST)
I feel completely out of my element, literally & figuratively. I miss and long for the comfort of my house, my husband. It's a foreign feeling to be knowing and waiting. It's unnerving. I am continually frustrated by the fact that the better things go the more unglued I feel.
I couldn't sleep last night and listened to a This American Life radio show. It featured a few stories of people that experienced the murder of a loved one. I empathized with the first story about a son who thirty years after the murder of his mom was still searching for something to make it right. I so understood his journey wanting and searching for the answer of why this random tragedy happened to him. The interviewer ended by commenting on what it must be like to be THAT person who knows that the worst can happen because it did.
So here I am with everything pointing towards the good. I had a growth scan this morning and everything looks fine. Baby weighs an insane 6lbs 4oz and our peri confirmed this is all good, as good as it gets. So why aren't a jumping for joy and feeling relaxed?
From the apartment I am staying at I can see the hospital we'll deliver at. Instead of looking at it and feeling excitement I see it and feel this sense of doom. It reminds me of the days after Akeelah passed away when I could sit on our lanai and see the hospital she was born at, where she was awaiting an autopsy while I sat at home alone.
I really thought at this point I would feel excitement freely. So silly to have not anticipated the difficulty of this move. I feel like I've taken a million steps backwards. I wish I could hit a pause button and go home and crawl under my own blankets.
Late afternoon sleep deprived epiphany.
I think I am close to putting a finger on why I feel so discombobulated and irrationally scared. In a really strange and twisted way loosing a child is comfortable to me. I know what it feels like. I know what to expect. I know how to give birth in a traumatic way with the knowledge that things are going to be difficult for my little one. These are all awful terrible things that I wouldn't wish upon anyone or upon myself again. Yet, they are comfortable to me. It's been my reality for the past 19 months and always will be. It's all I know.
I have no clue what it's like to bring a baby home from the hospital. That concept is so foreign to me. I've been looking down focusing on putting one foot in front of the other this whole pregnancy- needing to just get through the pregnancy part. I don't think it's actually occurred to me that I have to deal with everything that comes after pregnancy. That I even use the words "deal with" says tons about my emotional preparedness! Go into labor when I'm SUPPOSED to go into labor, when it's a good thing? What the heck is that like? How utterly crazy that it's these more "normal" events that are now so intensely scary to me.
This is the most twisted thinking and yet I'm pretty sure this is what's causing my latest panic. And only so many more days for me to try to turn this thinking around. No pressure.
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (17) | Permalink
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