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WELCOME, GUEST |
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(1 member)
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niylnnrae @a…6 |
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OUR BLUEBERRY
Akeelah's Mommy |
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A TON OF BRICKS
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Jun 02, 2013 08:23am (EST)
That's how June felt today. Heavy. And doesn't it always seem that the easier a previous year was, the harder the next one will be. Last year I was so excited for Akeelah's birthday. I knew it would be so much fun. This year all the excitement is gone- I think because I don't want it to be Makaela's birthday. Not only do I not want to think about Akeelah turning 5... I don't want to re-live all the drama of Makaela's birth. It's all too close to Akeelah's, which just drudges all that fear and pain back up again. I keep remembering how scary Makaela's birth was... I'm so upset it wasn't peaceful like Micah's. And then I'm upset for being upset because I should just get over it she's here... and yet...
This will all be complex. And I feel myself almost having a panic attack for every other June of the rest of my life that I endure. I have to start thinking about Makaela's birthday party.... I always will at the same time of planning a very different party for Akeelah.... And here I am, finally getting to plan a first girl birthday party... I never dreamed of big weddings when I was growing up, but I always knew I wanted girls. So here's my chance, and I can't bring myself to do it and/or enjoy it. I feel robbed again. And then again I'm upset with my upsetness about it. Be grateful- embrace it... but I'm ashamed to admit how hard it is... how hard is has been.
In an effort to alleviate the ache of the day I planted in the garden... found a Gardenia called "First Love". It seemed appropriate. When I was on the mainland I saw this quote in a shop- I've always found it so true..
I might have to dig to France for it to actually work for me though...
Here's hoping this is "just" a case of the lead up being worse than the actual day... but at this point, that's 26 days of lead up, I think I'd rather have one junk day instead.
Trying very very very very very hard to remember...
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (7) | Permalink
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MURMURS
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Mar 02, 2013 06:09pm (EST)
We knew Micah would need some vaccinations so we waited on this three year check up until the birthday fun was over. Who wants to associate their birthday with shots.
Our lil' man is 35 inches tall... 26 pounds of total sweetness. And a late bloomer just now getting his two year molars in. And I can't believe he is already three!
And on with the appointment... listening to the heart... and you know when you notice something is taken just the tiniest bit longer than it should. That's how long listening to his heart took.
"Has he ever had an echocardiogram?"
"No... well he had a fetal echo..."
"Let's order one."
Now the rational part of me knows that this is probably nothing. Lots of people have heart murmurs and they are totally benign innocent little things. He's healthy as can be, runs, jumps, plays never seems winded pale... anything.
But of course, he had to have a fetal echo because Big Sister had heart anomalies. I hate calling them defects since I think she was practically perfect in every way. And doctor weighed that into the equation.
And then he mentioned they're done at the hospital...
"Oh, we go to Oahu?"
"Oh no no, they can do them here, they send to the pediatric cardiologist there to read it."
I hate our hospital. I can barely look at it without feeling sick to my stomach. And I say as much.
Lance chimes in that he can take him- after all its his work place. He can show Micah off to folks and show him where daddy works... a totally normal daddy son moment. Lance sees that he can make the best of it. And for most of the day I'm calmed by this.
Until we talk about it a little more in the evening and I realize that the last time I brought my child there- they never left. And my heart sinks into a panic. How can I bring another child back there... and completely irrationally... what if I can't get them back?
Just when you think you're finding peace, something will always be there to snap you back and laugh in your face. When will we just be able to breathe having left all remnants of Akeelah's death behind us and just move forward with the gifts of her life.
Afternoon edit..
No sooner did I hit send than did Micah fall asleep... wake up... hurl and then sleep for another full 5 hours.. JUST to make Mommy worry. Poor guy had a round of shots yesterday- must have knocked him out... better than actually getting the Chicken Pox I suppose... finally Kipper seems to be curing things...
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (7) | Permalink
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JUST BE MY CHILD
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Mar 01, 2013 09:06am (EST)
I read this today at http://clairebidwellsmith.com/2013/01/16/how-long-do-we-grieve/
"I do believe that there can be an end to active grieving. I think there comes a time when the real, raw pain of grief ends, when you no longer think about that person’s absence first thing in the morning. There comes a time when you move forward in life without thinking about how they’re not beside you while you do it. Eventually the regret and remorse, the unanswered questions and all the what-ifs surrounding the loss, start to soften. After a while the sad memories of the end are replaced by better ones from the beginning. Eventually enough time passes and it becomes easier to talk about them without crying, easier to remember them without wanting to sink to your knees.
But just because grief has an end doesn’t mean your love for that person does too. I think we always miss the people we lose, that we never stop wishing they were still here with us. It’s just that we learn to live with their absence, we learn to live our lives without them, as impossible as that can often seem in the beginning."
And then it ended with, "We grieve until we don’t anymore, but we love forever."
I read that part awhile ago and I wasn't sure I liked it... but now I'm thinking maybe I do... because aren't our children more than our grief? Can sometimes... when the acute pain subsides... can they go back to 'just' being our children...
I look forward to that day.
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (4) | Permalink
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THE DAYS ARE LONG... THE YEARS ARE SHORT
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Feb 12, 2013 11:36pm (EST)
Three years ago today I was sitting in a hospital room playing solitaire while Lance was climbing Diamond Head. I was on a pretty bad loosing streak until I found a card under my breakfast tray.
I was sitting at the little table and chairs and not too long ago had finally won a game, no cheating I swear. It was time for my every 4 hour bp check... a serious upgrade from the ever 15 minute or so one they were doing when I was admitted. I hate it when hospital people move quickly, it's never a good sign of anything!
Anyhoo, I moseyed my atrophied butt on over to the bed and awaited the pokes and prods... BP check... sure whatever... and then it re-inflated. *$(*% I just failed it!! Lie down on your side... I'll be back in a bit. *)#%* Failed it again when she came back, so got to use that IV and thankfully it came down.
Our doctor moseyed in later that evening... how are things... wanting to gloss over earlier... oh just fine... they gave me something... but its fine now... Whu Whu?! You're getting induced today forget waiting.
Well ok then! I think at that point I texted my support network... aka Share! I actually didn't even tell hubby as to not worry him... just said Oh yeah, come on back, we'll eat dinner together or something.
And the rest would be history, one peaceful relaxed labor down and lil' Bro Micah entered the world screaming his lil' head off at 11:28pm on February 13th, 2010.
And whoa... that was three long? short? years ago. He's a total kid now having started to shed his toddlerhood somewhere around the time that he told me, "O M G mom" Oh yes, ladies. He did.
Three years ago today things were so scary still... so unsure... wow. How far we have come as a family... who would have EVER thought it!!
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (7) | Permalink
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JUMBLED
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Jan 19, 2013 08:10am (EST)
This week so many posts have been rattling around in the ol' noggin. It's been a difficult week for a multitude of reasons. I know my heart is still reeling from the loss of sweet Kyle. I continue to find myself sick to my stomach as the realization sinks deeper and deeper in, that not only have we lost such a beautiful lil' one, but that a friend is in such immense pain, pain that I know can not rightly be soothed.
And in the week after I strived so much to try to do and be better and I just failed miserably at it. I feel I've been the yuckiest person ever letting folks down left and right- the opposite of what I wanted so much to achieve. I've stretched myself too thin allowing nothing to be done to the best of my abilities, and this hurts when these activities are so close, perhaps too close to my heart.
And exhaustion brings with it the inability to manage the gravity of my heartache missing Akeelah. And what I've struggled so much this week with is what to miss. It's hard to miss all over again every day the exact same day, same memories. So my mind moves forward to wondering what I'm missing today... what it would be to put three to bed. And then I get stuck.
What do you miss when you don't know if your child would have been walking or talking yet? When you have no guide to what her development would have been? When each child is so vastly different from one another you couldn't even begin to piece together your own child. What then do I miss?
Missing a perfectly chromosomed child isn't right. That's not reality, though I suppose what I am attempting to imagine isn't either- it's just an imagined story that could have... should have been.
Perhaps I should miss what I can know for sure. That she would have had scars to kiss on her chest from heart surgery. That walking or talking I would hug her as much every day as I hug her siblings, and check on her before I went to bed.
Well then. You know it's time to stop when tears impede your ability to type and use proper grammar. We couldn't have that now could we.
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (10) | Permalink
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