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OUR BLUEBERRY
Akeelah's Mommy |
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JUST IS
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Jul 14, 2012 01:25am (EST)
Since we've been gone from our house so long the cabinets were bare and a grocery run were in the cards before the craziness of the weekend. We took full advantage of family being here and set out to load up on groceries. On the way down I looked down at my nonexistent tummy and immediately was snapped back to 2008 and our first outing after Akeelah was born... tummy in probably close to the same shape.
The fear that went along with that trip, and those days. I remember and relive everything about June... July... there's nothing to remember but immense pain, so I never bothered to mindfully go back to it. Here we are though, and so much is physically the same... and yet obviously, so very very very polar opposite different. It's another strange convergence of events and I can't quite put my finger on if it is good or bad, or perhaps, and most likely, just is.
Today I went through the box of clothes we had for Akeelah- there was only one neutral outfit so I used that one for Micah, and can use it for Makaela now too without too much heartache. It was bought by someone else too. But the more girl things that I bought specifically for her... I want to be "normal" and have them just be a hand me down... but it hurts... I think especially because it's July... and though I know she could never have worn them in July, she was so tiny, it's when we maybe would have been thinking about clothes for her. I don't know.
I think sometimes in the four years I've separated the actual child that I held in my arms, the living breathing, fighting for every breath baby that I saw, with just the narrative that I'm the mommy of an angel- sometimes I think distancing myself from the fact that Akeelah is no different from Micah and Makaela- she had all the potential to be just what they are. I'm not explaining this very well... Perhaps it's the heart's way of protecting itself from fully taking in all that was lost.
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (5) | Permalink
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THAT'S US
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Jul 07, 2012 06:22pm (EST)
Having Makaela (still testing spellings) in the NICU is nothing short or re-traumatizing. Not because I'm worried about her- she's so fine. But because I'm watching everything that should have been... could have been actually happen around us. I've always wondered, and now I see it. The baby next door to us is a transfer from our home, with many issues... she reminds me so much of Akeelah. And there's no privacy so we could hear the surgeon just lay one piece of bad news after another on them and I was snapped right back to four years ago.
So that's it- that would have been us. Right there in front of my eyes. I'm sure my eyes wandering their way is interpreted as fear or pity... it's not. It's filled with envy. I would give anything... anything to have made it there with her. I want to tell them how lucky they are- you got here, you can still love on your daughter. I want to be you. I'm sure they know how lucky they are.
It's really set me back to be there and stirred up so many emotions, so much anger, so much love, so much longing. Hearing the nurses talk so lovingly to the lil' babies makes me so sad that they missed out on knowing Akeelah- that everyone did. I miss everything that could have been and I'm mad at everyone, including myself who robbed us of the chance.
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (11) | Permalink
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CRASH LANDING
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Jul 06, 2012 08:07am (EST)
Lil' Sis Makaela... or Makaylah we haven't decided arrived this morning after a not so pretty delivery- think epidural 20 minutes before baby popped out and an abruption and awful back labor. I wish it had been the same peaceful experience as Micah's, but that just wasn't the case and the end a lil' scary.
She's got such a fat lil' double chin- not something I'd ever think I'd see on our kids, and in some ways looks very much like Akeelah which pulls at my heartstrings and makes me stare at her pulse to feel reassured.
And while given the abruption, and how crazy the labor was... never even got to the pitocin part- I know evicting baby early was the right thing to do, she's struggled a bit since being born, with blood sugars (now resolved) and keeping her 02 stats up as well as being very very lethargic. So she got admitted to the NICU for what I am thinking will just be the night and that she just needs a little extra monitoring and time to transition to the outside world.
To enter that place, this time of year of all times, where we should have been with Akeelah- it's surreal. Everything about today and the last 36 weeks have been. Another girl... another difficult and scary delivery... Phew... it's a lot to take in.
For now I'm hopeful that we'll all be heading home, at least to our home away from home tomorrow.
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (19) | Permalink
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LAST NIGHT
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Jul 04, 2012 07:20am (EST)
I went today ready to throw down and I am thankful to report there was no need. Everyone was fabulous and on their best behavior... except of course for my BP and uterus. They failed miserably.
So the long and short of it is, we're evicting... um tomorrow night. And today was thrown around as an option. So back on a plane Lance goes tomorrow morning, and I can not believe that just like that tonight becomes my last night to tuck Micah in just he and I- Akeelah always with us. And I can't believe it's in such a different place, with such a different routine. I found myself wondering if I could remember our last "normal" night... it was the 28th... and even that wasn't super normal because we had driven a long ways home from Akeelah's Birthday vacay, and he was so exhausted, I don't even remember if we really read books or did our usual things... and that next morning wasn't a normal just Micah and I day because I left for the airport thinking I'd come back that afternoon.
So I guess our last day just he and I was the day before Akeelah's birthday... I'm really going to miss it just being us, we've had such fun, and I know we still will... but wow, things are going to change in ways I can't even imagine... mom to three. I always thought I'd just have two.
So anyway, this is rambly and since I know I won't be getting any sleep tomorrow night, at least not good sleep... and probably not for the rest of the year and then some, I guess I should get some shut eye. I really thought we'd see 37 weeks... but I guess not. We gave it our best shot.
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (12) | Permalink
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ALONE
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Jul 03, 2012 01:25am (EST)
Wow, two posts in two days. It's been awhile- a sign of my deteriorating mental health! My frustration with our providers grows and grows. At this point I feel like a hot potato that no one wants ownership over, and I miss our previous provider very very much. I knew I had it good, but I don't really think I realized how good, and how much I got insulated from. Without that insulation I feel alone and raw again managing all our care on our own.
As we were ready to be discharged from the hospital, newly diagnosed with GD, I asked the nurse... so um... "Anyone going to show me how to check my levels?" to which she replied... "oh yeah, huh..." Yeah.
Referral to GD program supposed to have been done... was it? Nope. I called to arrange all the appointments only to have them call me back asking about insurance stuff. Telling me to go see my primary care doctor. Sure thing. She's on our home island and I'm on travel restriction. This stupid place forgets that the world doesn't revolve around their big city island and hello there is more than one island in the state.
Long standing appointment with the OB that supposedly is taking over our care tomorrow... canceled. Wants to reschedule for Thursday. I'm supposed to be induced on Tuesday, I have no idea if this doctor is actually going to do the induction or what actually happens with a planned induction since we've never had one before.
U/S tomorrow... also canceled, anyone call to tell me? Nope, just happened to find out when I called about scheduling the GD appointment since I had a two second u/s while admitted.
And while I'm sure everything will be fine, and physically we'll be taken care of, I just wish someone would stop and consider the mental health of a pregnant momma who had such a terrible delivery experience and what leaving everything uncertain for her might do to her- leave her feeling alone and unsafe with providers that can't be trusted or counted on- ya know basically putting her right back to how she felt during the end of her daughter's pregnancy. Fabulous folks.
I'm counting down the hours to my appointment with our psychologist- clearly it's needed, and the only one confirmed and stable.
Update: Maybe the new OB's office will redeem themselves... called said no, the doctor did want to see me tomorrow.  This is so tiring. Hopefully it's not to say I don't want you as a patient anymore, now you have two extra days to find someone else!
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (7) | Permalink
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A CELEBRATED AND AVOIDED BIRTHDAY
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Jul 01, 2012 05:37pm (EST)
We celebrated Akeelah's 4th Birthday on Wednesday. Instead of heading out to the remote lil' town we usually go to we headed to a fancy hotel in a tourist town. It was beautiful, and Micah loved that it basically had a zoo of animals including penguins. Once we arrived we didn't leave, so it really felt like a vacation and taking a step back from regular life, which we like to do on Akeelah's birthday.
We took pauses on times when she was born... and passed... and when we said our final goodbyes. Even though we spent the day busy at the pool and lounging, the time still felt long and I always find a bit of peace in that- that we really did get to spend a lot of time together- never enough- but on her birthday it feels long.
Friday I few for a regular NST and doctor's appointment. Never made it to the doctor's appointment. While baby passed it's portion of the NST, I completely bombed it with almost non stop contractions, elevated AFI and stupid blood pressure. It earned me a two night stay in the hospital- looking like I'll be discharged today. The contractions stayed constant 3-7min for a full 12 hours. Once those were managed we found out in a second 3hr GTT that I have gestational diabetes, even though I passed the test at 32 weeks.
It was very scary the first day because it was looking like labor, and they weren't going to stop it with our blood pressure issues just in case it was my body saying that my placenta sucks get this baby out. Scary because not only was I here alone, but I was not about to have a baby two days after Akeelah's birthday. My first goal was making it to Sunday- so wooo hooo! I now officially will not have another June baby.
Ooooh breakfast just arrived, and now since I'm on a restricted diet, I'm starved!! Thanks in advance for thinking all those awesome healthy baby vibes for me! No (more) whammies!
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (5) | Permalink
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34 IS THE NEW 37
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Jun 24, 2012 09:38pm (EST)
We're 34 weeks and some change, and I find myself a bit overwhelmed- maybe a touch sad, that 34 weeks is our 37 weeks. I should have a whole month and half still to enjoy. Stupid as it sounds since I'm so ridiculously grateful to have even had 34 weeks, I still want my full 40 dang it. I know I need to get over it and just be thankful, but it still feels like a slight.
I'm finding it especially difficult that all the newbie stuff is already overshadowing Akeelah's birthday next week. Overshadow is the wrong word... just competing. It's hard to have two to do lists... one for Akeelah's birthday and one for this lil' one's move. I so want all this time to be about Akeelah, but maybe that's just the normal reality of a mom of three... time gets split between everyone, and even birthdays attention is shared to some extent.
My doctor's office redeemed itself a bit. When my regular OB came back and saw all that had gone on and my face at the idea of coming in next week during Akeelah's birthday to another provider since I was only available to come on her hospital/surgery day. She offered to meet me at the office during a break in surgeries. I'm very thankful for that, she was also able to speak with our new provider at the big hospital, and that we'll be able to see her for an appointment on Friday... hopefully nailing down what will happen with our eviction... I mean induction.
I feel so shame for feeling upset about loosing three weeks... it is what it is though and I can't hide from feeling upset about it. It sucks to be a danger to yourself and your baby- no momma ever wants to be that.
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (9) | Permalink
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DO YOUR JOB!
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Jun 20, 2012 01:12am (EST)
I'm just going to vent here a lil' bit, please pardon the rant.
Seriously people do your flippin' job and um do it with common sense! I'm so tired of being the go between of all our doctors and reminding everyone what needs to get done- this is not my job! With my regular OB out of town and our beloved MFM out of state I feel I should be earning an honoring MD for managing our own care. Last week's NST I had to remind the doc to do our weekly AFI... schedule the NSTs.
And then there's the matter of records... when I ask you to send them... I don't mean next week, I mean send them now people, time is a ticking. And when you say you're going to send a report... send it! And when I ask for my records to be transferred to our latest doc... I don't mean you need to send all 157 pages... I mean send the most salient from this pregnancy- common sense here people! And don't send them via slow boat mail... who does that anymore? Fax them! Goodnight people. It's exhausting... and what bugs me out even more is what if I didn't do their job for them, what would happen then? Probably the same thing that happened with Akeelah, a million balls dropped and everyone looking at each other like, "wasn't my job".
Vent over. Moving forward. Unless of course all this craziness about sending my records isn't resolved and it causes us to not get picked up by our hand picked doctor for our induction and I get stuck with new Debbie Downer MFM... who I'm sure upon delivery will say something stellar like, "Oh, 6lbs 4oz... could have been 8."
And the rant continues. Got a call from our OB's office... cancel tomorrow's appointment doctor sick. Ok, sooooo what are we going to do about my two NSTs? You want me to do one Thursday 3pm and then another Friday 11am (when the original 2nd was scheduled). That makes great sense. Can you get me in to see another provider... no just the NP that it says clearly in my chart I'm NEVER to see... or perhaps not that clearly, we'll have to work on that. I'm so over rural healthcare.
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (6) | Permalink
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YEAH SO UM...
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Jun 17, 2012 02:25am (EST)
Yeah so um... this baby will be here in less than a month. Akeelah's birthday is in two weeks... and um.. yeah. I have no idea how I'm feeling about any of this.
It's becoming very difficult to go to the same doctor's office... I'm supposed to have two NSTs a week.. and the week of Akeelah's birthday, I just don't want to do them. Her birthday is on a Wednesday this year and we'll be staying at a hotel Tues-Thursday, which leaves appointments on Monday and Friday when our regular OB is not in the office. I'm seriously considering skipping them... doing extra kick monitoring... but then what if... how ridiculous would I feel. My other plan is to fly to Oahu on Monday for an NST..
Next week starts our march 4 years ago to the end of Akeelah's pregnancy. I have an appointment the same day I was there for an u/s, hospitalized and medi-vac'd. While I'm very thankful, it's very difficult to be pregnant in June- this probably wasn't my best idea.. and I wonder what it will be like to have a baby so close to Akeelah's birthday... again... probably not my best idea. Though in my defense I thought we'd deliver a whole lot closer to the end of July, not evict baby the beginning of July.
I find myself crying for the beginning or part of each NST recently... just going back wishing I could change things... thinking about how unlucky we were to have every idiotic provider on the rock- I mean what are the chances.
Saw that stupid NP at our appointment on Friday in the hallway... she didn't make eye contact. That would be the only smart thing she's ever done.
We meet the diagnostic criteria for Pre-Eclampsia again... we have since 25 weeks... and we're still pregnant... which is insanely lucky, perhaps the universe knows we already got our share and then some of bad luck. It's frustrating though because it's once again a completely a-typical presentation, and really since we started our protein at 200... that it's 460 is not really "that" big of an increase... leaving me to wonder when all this is done... what the heck happened to my kidneys? And why does my bp stink... how long will I be on bp meds which make me feel geriatric.
I think Micah is excited about this baby... maybe excited is the wrong word... interested. We visited a friend's baby and she's all the talk for him right now. Today we're going to put back up the swing and bassinet with his help... that's just crazy.
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (7) | Permalink
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