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Akeelah's Mommy

July 2012

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LAST NIGHT

Jul 04, 2012 07:20am (EST)

I went today ready to throw down and I am thankful to report there was no need. Everyone was fabulous and on their best behavior... except of course for my BP and uterus. They failed miserably.

So the long and short of it is, we're evicting... um tomorrow night. And today was thrown around as an option. So back on a plane Lance goes tomorrow morning, and I can not believe that just like that tonight becomes my last night to tuck Micah in just he and I- Akeelah always with us. And I can't believe it's in such a different place, with such a different routine. I found myself wondering if I could remember our last "normal" night... it was the 28th... and even that wasn't super normal because we had driven a long ways home from Akeelah's Birthday vacay, and he was so exhausted, I don't even remember if we really read books or did our usual things... and that next morning wasn't a normal just Micah and I day because I left for the airport thinking I'd come back that afternoon.

So I guess our last day just he and I was the day before Akeelah's birthday... I'm really going to miss it just being us, we've had such fun, and I know we still will... but wow, things are going to change in ways I can't even imagine... mom to three. I always thought I'd just have two.

So anyway, this is rambly and since I know I won't be getting any sleep tomorrow night, at least not good sleep... and probably not for the rest of the year and then some, I guess I should get some shut eye. I really thought we'd see 37 weeks... but I guess not. We gave it our best shot.

Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (12) | Permalink

ALONE

Jul 03, 2012 01:25am (EST)

Wow, two posts in two days. It's been awhile- a sign of my deteriorating mental health! My frustration with our providers grows and grows. At this point I feel like a hot potato that no one wants ownership over, and I miss our previous provider very very much. I knew I had it good, but I don't really think I realized how good, and how much I got insulated from. Without that insulation I feel alone and raw again managing all our care on our own.

As we were ready to be discharged from the hospital, newly diagnosed with GD, I asked the nurse... so um... "Anyone going to show me how to check my levels?" to which she replied... "oh yeah, huh..." Yeah.

Referral to GD program supposed to have been done... was it? Nope. I called to arrange all the appointments only to have them call me back asking about insurance stuff. Telling me to go see my primary care doctor. Sure thing. She's on our home island and I'm on travel restriction. This stupid place forgets that the world doesn't revolve around their big city island and hello there is more than one island in the state.

Long standing appointment with the OB that supposedly is taking over our care tomorrow... canceled. Wants to reschedule for Thursday. I'm supposed to be induced on Tuesday, I have no idea if this doctor is actually going to do the induction or what actually happens with a planned induction since we've never had one before.

U/S tomorrow... also canceled, anyone call to tell me? Nope, just happened to find out when I called about scheduling the GD appointment since I had a two second u/s while admitted.

And while I'm sure everything will be fine, and physically we'll be taken care of, I just wish someone would stop and consider the mental health of a pregnant momma who had such a terrible delivery experience and what leaving everything uncertain for her might do to her- leave her feeling alone and unsafe with providers that can't be trusted or counted on- ya know basically putting her right back to how she felt during the end of her daughter's pregnancy. Fabulous folks.

I'm counting down the hours to my appointment with our psychologist- clearly it's needed, and the only one confirmed and stable.

Update: Maybe the new OB's office will redeem themselves... called said no, the doctor did want to see me tomorrow.

This is so tiring. Hopefully it's not to say I don't want you as a patient anymore, now you have two extra days to find someone else!

Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (7) | Permalink

A CELEBRATED AND AVOIDED BIRTHDAY

Jul 01, 2012 05:37pm (EST)

We celebrated Akeelah's 4th Birthday on Wednesday. Instead of heading out to the remote lil' town we usually go to we headed to a fancy hotel in a tourist town. It was beautiful, and Micah loved that it basically had a zoo of animals including penguins. Once we arrived we didn't leave, so it really felt like a vacation and taking a step back from regular life, which we like to do on Akeelah's birthday.

We took pauses on times when she was born... and passed... and when we said our final goodbyes. Even though we spent the day busy at the pool and lounging, the time still felt long and I always find a bit of peace in that- that we really did get to spend a lot of time together- never enough- but on her birthday it feels long.

Friday I few for a regular NST and doctor's appointment. Never made it to the doctor's appointment. While baby passed it's portion of the NST, I completely bombed it with almost non stop contractions, elevated AFI and stupid blood pressure. It earned me a two night stay in the hospital- looking like I'll be discharged today. The contractions stayed constant 3-7min for a full 12 hours. Once those were managed we found out in a second 3hr GTT that I have gestational diabetes, even though I passed the test at 32 weeks.

It was very scary the first day because it was looking like labor, and they weren't going to stop it with our blood pressure issues just in case it was my body saying that my placenta sucks get this baby out. Scary because not only was I here alone, but I was not about to have a baby two days after Akeelah's birthday. My first goal was making it to Sunday- so wooo hooo! I now officially will not have another June baby.

Ooooh breakfast just arrived, and now since I'm on a restricted diet, I'm starved!! Thanks in advance for thinking all those awesome healthy baby vibes for me! No (more) whammies!

Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (5) | Permalink

34 IS THE NEW 37

Jun 24, 2012 09:38pm (EST)

We're 34 weeks and some change, and I find myself a bit overwhelmed- maybe a touch sad, that 34 weeks is our 37 weeks. I should have a whole month and half still to enjoy. Stupid as it sounds since I'm so ridiculously grateful to have even had 34 weeks, I still want my full 40 dang it. I know I need to get over it and just be thankful, but it still feels like a slight.

I'm finding it especially difficult that all the newbie stuff is already overshadowing Akeelah's birthday next week. Overshadow is the wrong word... just competing. It's hard to have two to do lists... one for Akeelah's birthday and one for this lil' one's move. I so want all this time to be about Akeelah, but maybe that's just the normal reality of a mom of three... time gets split between everyone, and even birthdays attention is shared to some extent.

My doctor's office redeemed itself a bit. When my regular OB came back and saw all that had gone on and my face at the idea of coming in next week during Akeelah's birthday to another provider since I was only available to come on her hospital/surgery day. She offered to meet me at the office during a break in surgeries. I'm very thankful for that, she was also able to speak with our new provider at the big hospital, and that we'll be able to see her for an appointment on Friday... hopefully nailing down what will happen with our eviction... I mean induction.

I feel so shame for feeling upset about loosing three weeks... it is what it is though and I can't hide from feeling upset about it. It sucks to be a danger to yourself and your baby- no momma ever wants to be that.

Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (9) | Permalink

DO YOUR JOB!

Jun 20, 2012 01:12am (EST)

I'm just going to vent here a lil' bit, please pardon the rant.

Seriously people do your flippin' job and um do it with common sense! I'm so tired of being the go between of all our doctors and reminding everyone what needs to get done- this is not my job! With my regular OB out of town and our beloved MFM out of state I feel I should be earning an honoring MD for managing our own care. Last week's NST I had to remind the doc to do our weekly AFI... schedule the NSTs.

And then there's the matter of records... when I ask you to send them... I don't mean next week, I mean send them now people, time is a ticking. And when you say you're going to send a report... send it! And when I ask for my records to be transferred to our latest doc... I don't mean you need to send all 157 pages... I mean send the most salient from this pregnancy- common sense here people! And don't send them via slow boat mail... who does that anymore? Fax them! Goodnight people. It's exhausting... and what bugs me out even more is what if I didn't do their job for them, what would happen then? Probably the same thing that happened with Akeelah, a million balls dropped and everyone looking at each other like, "wasn't my job".

Vent over. Moving forward. Unless of course all this craziness about sending my records isn't resolved and it causes us to not get picked up by our hand picked doctor for our induction and I get stuck with new Debbie Downer MFM... who I'm sure upon delivery will say something stellar like, "Oh, 6lbs 4oz... could have been 8."

And the rant continues. Got a call from our OB's office... cancel tomorrow's appointment doctor sick. Ok, sooooo what are we going to do about my two NSTs? You want me to do one Thursday 3pm and then another Friday 11am (when the original 2nd was scheduled). That makes great sense. Can you get me in to see another provider... no just the NP that it says clearly in my chart I'm NEVER to see... or perhaps not that clearly, we'll have to work on that. I'm so over rural healthcare.

Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (6) | Permalink

YEAH SO UM...

Jun 17, 2012 02:25am (EST)

Yeah so um... this baby will be here in less than a month. Akeelah's birthday is in two weeks... and um.. yeah. I have no idea how I'm feeling about any of this.

It's becoming very difficult to go to the same doctor's office... I'm supposed to have two NSTs a week.. and the week of Akeelah's birthday, I just don't want to do them. Her birthday is on a Wednesday this year and we'll be staying at a hotel Tues-Thursday, which leaves appointments on Monday and Friday when our regular OB is not in the office. I'm seriously considering skipping them... doing extra kick monitoring... but then what if... how ridiculous would I feel. My other plan is to fly to Oahu on Monday for an NST..

Next week starts our march 4 years ago to the end of Akeelah's pregnancy. I have an appointment the same day I was there for an u/s, hospitalized and medi-vac'd. While I'm very thankful, it's very difficult to be pregnant in June- this probably wasn't my best idea.. and I wonder what it will be like to have a baby so close to Akeelah's birthday... again... probably not my best idea. Though in my defense I thought we'd deliver a whole lot closer to the end of July, not evict baby the beginning of July.

I find myself crying for the beginning or part of each NST recently... just going back wishing I could change things... thinking about how unlucky we were to have every idiotic provider on the rock- I mean what are the chances.

Saw that stupid NP at our appointment on Friday in the hallway... she didn't make eye contact. That would be the only smart thing she's ever done.

We meet the diagnostic criteria for Pre-Eclampsia again... we have since 25 weeks... and we're still pregnant... which is insanely lucky, perhaps the universe knows we already got our share and then some of bad luck. It's frustrating though because it's once again a completely a-typical presentation, and really since we started our protein at 200... that it's 460 is not really "that" big of an increase... leaving me to wonder when all this is done... what the heck happened to my kidneys? And why does my bp stink... how long will I be on bp meds which make me feel geriatric.

I think Micah is excited about this baby... maybe excited is the wrong word... interested. We visited a friend's baby and she's all the talk for him right now. Today we're going to put back up the swing and bassinet with his help... that's just crazy.

Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (7) | Permalink

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO YOU

Jun 09, 2012 03:06am (EST)

My regular OB is on vacation for the next two weeks. I was a lil' worried about this... but I figured I'm so much more in control of everything we've been through than before that I could handle. I should have known when at Tuesday's appointment at the MFM office when I got quickly moved from U/S to NST (everything is fine), and just felt alone knowing that our regular MFM wasn't there to watch over us... that any lil' hiccup with other providers was going to cause drama.

Well, today's appointment with the replacement OB... didn't go so well. She's fine... but she was on call today. So when midway through she get's called in to deliver a baby and out the door says, my nurse practitioner will finish up, I couldn't udder the words fast enough that ANYONE BUT the piece of junk nurse practitioner we had with Akeelah.

And who should walk in... that lame piece of junk, terrible excuse for any sort of medical professional, nurse practitioner. As she walked out to check on something she said, "What's your name again?" I told her and she said, "Oh, I know you." To which I replied with the nastiest stink eye I could muster, "Yes you do."

But I wish I could have been meaner. When she came back in and we finished up, I told her, that she was right, we had seen her before and that I didn't even know what to say to her.

So I told her, "You made us wait 2 weeks for an u/s. I was 27 weeks, measured 37 and you made us wait 2 weeks for an u/s. There's no excuse for that." I said a few more things reiterating how awful her decision making was. She apologized and I just repeated myself, "You made us wait. Two weeks with that much extra fluid robbed me of ever being able to carry her as long as she needed."

She apologized again, and I told her Thank you, don't ever let another momma wait 2 weeks for an u/s... but I wish I had been meaner. I don't think I came across clearly enough that I held her personally responsible for her terrible decision that cost my baby girl a chance.

I don't think she remembered our specific case... I know she remembered some... that she gave us bad news, but she kept saying she walked into the room and she gave it to us over the phone about the increased fluid and she remembered our other doctor... but not all, and I think that makes it worse. I hate her.

At next week's appointment I will be sure it is put in my chart that that poor excuse for a medical professional is to NEVER EVER be allowed to see me, EVER, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever. Never do I want her close to one of my kids ever again. Insert very unShare friendly language here.

Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (8) | Permalink

DREAMING OF EXCITEMENT

Jun 03, 2012 08:23am (EST)

Last night I had a dream it was Akeelah's birthday... and in my dream we were having just a great day. There was a lil' hiccup with her birthday cake, but it was getting worked out. It was a nice day.

It was a realistic dream because for the past few weeks as Akeelah's birthday approaches I've been feeling... well excited- looking forward to her birthday. Every year on her birthday we take a mini staycation- our location helps with this. The first three years we went to the most remote and beautiful place- but being 35 weeks pregnant on her birthday remote didn't sound right... so we're staying at a different beautiful place... far from our house, but not remote. It will feel like a vacation.

I know Micah is going to have a blast at the pool. And it's my hope that our tradition of taking a fun lil' vacay every birthday will make all the kids excited about their big sister's birthday... that they will always think of June 27th as a day of celebration and never know any of the pain mommy and daddy or Akeelah knew on that day.

I hope this excitement stays. Underneath I know there is pain... the sight the other day of a four year old girl hit me right in the gut... at this point though my new normal is no longer new... it's what is and what has been for the last four years. I've grown more comfortable with the bittersweetness that is being Akeelah's mommy.

Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (8) | Permalink

THIS THAT AND THE OTHER

May 25, 2012 12:56am (EST)

I know I should be blogging right now because there's too much goin' on in the ole' noggin, at the same time I don't even know what to say or how to organize it all.

We're 30 weeks pregnant... in the middle of the gestation when so many things went wrong. We had already been medivac'd, been given devastating news, were on strict bed rest at home. This was going to be all the time we'd have with Akeelah. And 30 weeks with this lil' one just makes it sink in how very very very short our time with her was, and how very very very unfair that is. And there is something so very very wrong about knowing exactly what your baby looks like so early on.

After reading my last post, I hope it didn't come across as though I wanted any of our kiddos in the NICU... but oh.. if it could have given us more time with Akeelah... I'd have taken it in a heartbeat. I feel robbed she never made it there... that the team had just barely touched down at our airport when we were saying goodbye. I know she had so much fight that with the right tools, the right doctors, we would have had more time... and whether it had been a day, week or years more... I would have taken it gladly.

I stopped at Costco on my way home from work and of course they're in the middle of their Miracle Network fundraising and have a lil' isolette which I stared longingly at, wondering what it would have been like to see lil' Akeelah in there growing.

This pregnancy continues, in the words of the new MFM who I like about as much as a pap smear, to "eek" along. Our bp is still rising, but managed with medication. Protein still rising, albeit slowly and today I just found out I failed my 1hour gluclose leaving me feeling extremely guilty for putting it off as long as I did... what if I do have GD and baby has been getting too much sugar these past 5 weeks... baby was in the 39% at 25 weeks... 55% at 28... and I gained over 8 lbs in two weeks... thankfully none this week. But what's new, pregnancy, motherhood, guilt- they seem like best friends.

I was reading the old blog I kept while pregnant with Akeelah- this time four years ago we were in la-la land I posted about how perfect Memorial Day weekend was... how we went to the beach, dug tummy holes so I could lay on my stomach... I try not to let the anger that I have at my naivete ruin what at the time was a perfect weekend. It's so difficult though.

Micah is just the sweetest (most of the time) when it comes to baby. He's always wanting to hold my Piko (belly button) and talks to the baby with a super sweet voice... and the other day tried to fix baby with a pretend screwdriver. At music today I guess he could tell some of the mommas were talking about baby and he went into kinda protective mode around my tummy, it was so cute. And because nothing is ever easy after loss the cuteness hurts knowing this should already have happened. I should already have seen with my eyes, not just my heart, an older sibling get excited for their lil' sib.

Well, that was about enough ramble for one day.

Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (7) | Permalink

A DIFFERENT CLUB

May 20, 2012 08:29am (EST)

I wish I was part of a different club. I don't even have to be part of the perfect pregnancy family club. At this point that would seem to abnormal from my current new normal... and maybe like asking too much.

There's a part of me that envies the NICU club... oh if only we could have gotten there... that would have been awesome. Had a stay... been able to update with all the goings on... celebrated Akeelah's milestones... gone home. That club would be so cool- a truly twisted thing to think.

And the special needs club. I want to be in that one too. There's no doubt we would have been there if we had made it with Akeelah to the NICU club. Would have had that community of parents to kiddos with rare issues. I would have could have rocked that club... done so much, and shared so many ups and downs and all arounds.

But I'm not in those clubs. I'm in the bottom one. The one everyone says "Well at least I'm not in that one" club and sometimes the suckiness of that just sucks. Don't get me wrong... the support- awesome... but dang it I don't like it here and some days like today I wish I could just crawl my way out and switch clubs. The finality of being placed in this clubs sometimes just crashes down on you like a ton of bricks. You can never ever leave. And today I just feel like having a brat attack about that.

Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (11) | Permalink

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