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PARSONS BROOD
jack-n-kates_mom |
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SLEEP
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Dec 20, 2009 04:41am (EST)
I haven't been sleeping. Well I mean, I've been sleeping, just not getting enough sleep and it's definitely not a restful sleep. I'm tired but I can't sleep. Even when I get sleepy I can't sleep. I keep going over and over in my head what could be right now. I'm also doing something I have never, ever done...wanting to hold her just one more time. No matter what I do, no matter how many bears I donate in Kate's name to the Open Arms program, it will never be enough. If I release balloons, I will always think I didn't do enough. When I change her flowers I always think they weren't the right ones or maybe I didn't get enough. How much is enough when it comes to your babies who are gone? How do you know that your baby loves you when you can't see them or feel them?
I think parents who have lost, when we do little things like that, we always think its never enough. Is that even normal? I've been rethinking lately the day she was born. Why didn't I hold her longer, why didn't I kiss her little hands and her little face more and now I can't.
Back to the not sleeping. This is normal for me this time of year and it will last until well after her birthday. Last night my sister gave me an Ambien and it worked. I was asleep last night at 9:30 p.m. and woke up at 7 this morning, but I woke up sad...just like I have been lately. You see I'm still in that funk. I know thats what it is. I'm not overly depressed, but for some reason I was bummed that I woke up still a little sad, I mean I finally got some great sleep. Then I realized, that pill wasn't made to make me happy, it was made to make sleep, which I needed and man did I sleep. I guess I'm just bummed I'm sad and I'm still missing her the same.
I'm just ready for this time of year to be over with. I get this way every year, this year is the worse yet. I don't remember feeling so emotional before, but as another good friend of mine said the other day, "you've been keeping your emotions bottled up for a long time because you had someone in your life who didn't want to deal with those emotions. This year your allowed to let go of those emotions, and I think all of those years of keeping them bottled up....they're coming out this year and you need to let them out."
Wow...wow. Can I just say I have amazing friends. First there was my best friend who changed her baby shower date without me saying a word. Then Troy is thoughtful enough to ask me if the baby department will bother me and now another friend, who totally doesn't get it, she told me that its okay to cry, that I'm allowed, that I finally have people in my life who, while they can't understand, they allow me to grieve for her still, especially at this time of year, and not think I'm a super sad person. So thank you Kim, thank you Michelle and thank you Troy and of course Share.
My sister and I have been talking about Kate some, about how awesome it would be to buy for her this year. She is an awesome aunt. Loves Jack to the moon and back and buys him all of the really cool stuff. His guitar, his playhouse, his flatscreen TV in his playhouse...yeah, she's the cool one. She was telling me how great it would be to buy Kate stuff this year because all of the stuff that she would be buying Kate would be the stuff that we were in to when we were little girls. She said this year seems to be hard on her as well.
I'm ready for the holidays to be over and her birthday to be done. I'll be a normal person again, well if you can consider me normal at any time...I'll be that again. 
We miss you Kate....and we love you baby girl.
Much love,
Kelly
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Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (8) | Permalink
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SHOULD BE WORKING
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Dec 17, 2009 07:41am (EST)
I found this today while working (shhh...don't tell on me, cuz I wasn't really).
One night I cried to Jesus as I sat beneath a tree
I looked into the open sky and hoped he would answer me..
I'm lost dear Lord, I've traveled far, but still I seem to roam
Please light the way and lead me Lord, I need to get back home...
I told him of my burdens, and of the sadness in my heart
That from His gracious love, I'd never felt so far apart....
Why did you take my child Lord? I cannot understand!
No longer can I touch her face, or hold her tiny hand...
I'm angry Lord, I'm missing her, I'm drowning in my sorrow
Please help to heal my yesterday and face each new tomorrow...
It was then I heard her gentle voice and felt her presence near
How I wanted so to hold her as I cried another tear...
She said, "Mommy, I am an angel now, my spirit is free
I'm an angel now in Heaven, so please don't cry for me
I was chosen by our Lord above and now I'm in His care
When you need me, look inside your heart, I promise to be there
No one can ever take away our bond
For I'll always be your precious baby, as you will be my mother
So if you cannot find your way, or the road to home seems far
Just look up to the Heavens...and I'll be your guiding star
She said, "Mommy, I'm an angel now, my spirit is free
I'm an angel now in Heaven, no need to cry for me..."
by: Janice Grogen
As much as I try to remember that there is a reason for this it still does not make it easy in any way.
Much love,
Kelly
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Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (6) | Permalink
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.........
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Dec 15, 2009 07:03am (EST)
This year seems to be extra tough in missing Kate. I don't know if its the fact that this Christmas will be so different from last or that this Christmas Jack's dad is coming down to spend some time with Jack, however, I will be here. It will just be me, Jack and his dad...can we say, awkward party of two. He's only staying for a little bit but still...waking up on Christmas day with his dad in the house...WEIRD!!
I am reminded constantly of all of the things that I would be buying Kate if she were here. Being 2 is such a great age for a little girl....all the dolls she would have, the baby dolls hair I would be brushing, watching her play mom, watching her try to play with her brothers stuff that is just way out of her league, and watching Jack get frustrated with her and go to his room and close the door. Thats how I wish things could be. I see all the great things for little girls, the tutus, a little play kitchen.
Something positive out of this is finding someone who totally doesn't get it but trys to be understanding. So this guy, Troy, he knows about Kate. He's seen a picture of her, knows the story...all of it. Friday night we were out and about, and he asked if we could stop at Wal-Mart. His coworker adopted a baby boy and as a group, his other coworkers collected money and he was in charge of getting the gift, a baby swing. He had been to two Wal-Marts and couldn't find the one they all wanted to get. We walk into the Wal-Mart and he says "Kel, will the baby stuff bother you. I don't want you to go in that department if it does. You and Jack go to electronics and I'll be there in a second." Wow...just wow. I told him that baby stuff doesn't bother me and that I'm okay. He asked again just to make sure.
What happened was earlier in the night we were eating at a mexican place, and it was crowded. We were standing there and a couple with a baby girl in a car seat walked up. He "caught" me staring at the baby. I do that when I see a baby girl, I just kind of stare, like stare a little longer than I probably should. I'm glad the parents didn't see me. I don't know why I do that...I can't help it. But I felt him looking at me. I didn't say anything, hoping he didn't realize what a freak I was being. Then at Wal-Mart he said that so I knew he noticed.
It's kind of nice to have that support from someone that doesn't get it, but tries to be understanding, especially when that person is a member of the opposite sex.
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Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (8) | Permalink
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REALLY...3 YEARS...REALLY
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Dec 14, 2009 07:46am (EST)
They say grief gets easier and it does, don't get me wrong. It's soooo much easier. It's just that December is really, really hard and so is January. Not only is December of course the holidays, but December 8, 2006, I found out Kate was a Kate. Things were perfect in my world. January 15, that all came crashing down. Kate didn't have a heartbeat. That day changed my life forever. January 17th...thats the day Kate was born. I read on a blog that it was like giving birth to death...thats exactly what I did.
Three years later you would think December would get easier. It just seems to get harder and harder. I'm in that funk...it started today. Ugh..... I always tend to forget how sucky it is when you get in that funk. It's been a while since I've been this deep in a funk. As a good friend of mine said, "don't go dark on me, and if you do let me know." Well, that light is starting to fizzle. I'm trying to let it not go out, but I can feel it. I'm tired but I'm not sleeping. I'm hungry but I don't want to eat.
I don't know how it was for others who have lost, but after Kate, my chest felt heavy, my arms ached, like actually physically ached to hold her, and every year about this time I get that way. I sigh a lot..it helps with the chest heaviness. I even hold my dog because its something to hold and well Jack is just getting too big to hold.  I just keep thinking after three years those "side effects" would go away, and I guess every year when they're not gone, I get frustrated, I get sad and I miss her A LOT. Jack looked at one of her ornaments yesterday and said she would probably beat him up a lot, but he would let her. Such a crazy kid and just what I need.
It's still tough though staying strong in front of him all the time. I don't get that break. I can't just go to my room, close the door and have a moment. I don't have a team member to turn to right now. I can't just leave the house for a few hours by myself. I'll get through this time like I have the others, but doing it alone, physically alone, it's not easy.
Much love,
Kelly
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Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (11) | Permalink
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NO MORE
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Dec 07, 2009 06:09pm (EST)
I'm done, really I can't take anymore. Things need to get better.
Wow, I just sounded a little on the crazy side, I'm just stressed beyond stressed. It's the holidays, which equal never easy. Last night Troy (yes the "boyfriend" but we don't label him as that, he's just Troy) we were in Target and being the mature adults we are we proceeded to have a Nerf sword fight in the toy aisle at Super Target (LOVE that store). We were just walking through the aisles and then we got into the little girl stuff and I looked at the princess stuff, the dolls, the tiaras and I almost started crying right then. I told him I had to leave the aisle and I think he got it.
It's been a tough couple of months. Between Jack's dad moving and two and a half weeks ago, my car broke down, completely died. I just paid it off in August. I was told I would need a new engine...my cars not worth it to put a new engine in it but I knew adding a car payment wouldn't be easy. Thankful for friends, a smart mechanic a sister an amazing parents I now have my car back but it cost a pretty penny to fix it. On top of this is Christmas. The time when I really miss Kate...and then theres her birthday coming up.
Just no more... fixing a car, finances and now Christmas, missing Kate, Kate turning 3. NO MORE!! Something good has to happen right. Miracles do happen, we all know that. I get to see a miracle everyday, but I need something else good to come along.
I just want the holidays over, I want her birthday to be over and the new year to start.
Just another reminder about or live chat tomorrow at 1:30 PM EST with our very on Dr. Berns. We're discussing RSV/Flu season. Hope to "see" you there.
Much love,
Kelly
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Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (2) | Permalink
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300
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Dec 03, 2009 07:37pm (EST)
It's my 300th blog!! That's just crazy. Really it is. I found Share while working (yeah, I know) in October of 06. Jack was sick with his usual October nastiness and I was pregnant with Kate. We didn't know she was Kate at the time. I didn't find that out until December of 06.
Wow, how things have changed. Kate was stillborn at 26 weeks, had a miscarriage at 12 weeks on her 7 month birthday, gotten divorced, moved to an apartment of my (and Jack's) own, passed five kidney stones in a year, watched Jack's dad move 3 hours away, went to two Share Unions, lost 40 pounds (and still going), started dating again, met someone who is the male version of me (scary!!!), put up my Christmas decorations by myself, which I am very proud of, and now here I am doing my 300th blog. Freakin amazing is what it is!!
I also want to say we're having a live chat with our very own Dr. Scott Burns on December 8th. We'll be discussing RSV/flu. This is always an informative chat. We would love to "see" you there.
Much love,
Kelly
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Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (6) | Permalink
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HERE WE GO AGAIN
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Nov 11, 2009 09:40am (EST)
It's the holidays...well the start of the holidays. What that really means to me is that Kate would almost be 3. And here I am celebrating yet another holiday without her. Just another reminder that I don't have a little girl with me. Another reminder that I'm not shopping for what 3-year-old little girls are into, which I would assume are Care Bears, Hello Kitty, etc.
I guess every year I'm amazed that I don't know why I'm feeling so down and then it hits me...it's the holidays. Every year though I think it won't be as bad as the year before. Not that the anxiety and tension gets worse...it just doesn't ease up from year to year. When does that start to happen? Does it ever? Do the holidays ever get easier?
I know for a fact the loss gets easier to deal with..you never get over it or through it for that matter. It's just something you learn to deal with. Sometimes I think to myself...I wonder how many people know just by looking at me that I've lost a daughter? I know they can't, but sometimes I feel like I'm screaming it out or that I want to scream it out is more like it. Not that I want felt sorry for...I just want her to be recognized as part of me.
I miss her a lot this time of year. November and December and then leading up to her birthday, it's never easy. I think about her face, what she looked like, how she smelled and then I wonder if she knew me. Does she know I held her and loved her and kissed her and looked at her toes? Does she remember me?
Starting this new chapter in my life I'm so worried that I'll forget her. I don't have any memories with her, she never held my finger, touched my face, pulled my hair so I have no memories. I worry that I'll forget her and meeting new people, going out...they ask me for my story. I don't know where to begin and sure as hell don't know what to include. Kate is not included in that story, it can't be, people aren't ready for that just yet but yet she is such a big part of my life its hard to exclude her in that story.
I'll learn, things will get better, holidays will be easier...one day.
Much love,
Kelly
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Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (8) | Permalink
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WHAT IF....
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Oct 26, 2009 06:20pm (EST)
I've started this blog I don't know how many times in the past month. Yep, it's been over a month since I've blogged. Mostly because I thought I didn't belong on here right now. The things I'm going through...it's not directly related to prematurity, death of my daughter, the miscarriage, but then I realized they are. They all relate to everything.
I have lately been thinking...what if. What if Jack was born full-term? We wouldn't have had to struggle with him being sick so much probably, but maybe he would have. What if we stayed in our house and never sold it? Would we be in the house together, being miserable having to live together? What if Kate was never conceived? Would we still be together? What if Kate was born full-term and healthy? Would I be on shareyourstory.org? What if we hadn't decided to try again after Kate? Would I forever regret that or do I live with knowing that I never gave it a try? What if I was still a family of "three"? Would I be happy?
I don't know the answers to any of these except one... Would I still be on shareyourstory.org if kate was born full-term and healthy? Nope. Probably not. Did I need it even if Kate was never conceived...yep and I had no idea I would. You see, it's October...October is tough on Jack. Apparently this kid has seasonal asthma and you wanna know why? Why, he was a preemie, thats why!! You know he is 6, aren't we done with that stuff? Nope, we are not. Has he been on steroids and breathing treatments for the majority of October? Why yes, yes he has. Have I wanted to choke him out..yes, yes I have. Would I ever? No, no I would not. Do I love him to pieces? I can't even describe how much I love that.
I am an exhausted mom...thats for sure. I really have no reason to complain. I have Jack, I have a living healthy, for the most part, son. Things have just changed in our household. I get no help. His dad now lives three hours away. I get no break and here I am complaining about it when mothers who have lost or who have never conceived would give their life to be in my position. I would too. I just hate it for Jack. His dad sees him now maybe 4 to 8 days a month. Things are not easy.
But one thing that has helped me the most...going to D.C. for three days with people who get it. They understand the strain a premature birth and a loss has on a marriage. I wasn't looked at any different because I'm not married. I was never asked why Jack is on steroids and what does it mean he's out of his mind when he's on them. You all get it. I'm telling you going to SU, meeting all of you that came..you are my lifesaver, and well if it wasn't for me being your lifesaver, the whole hotel could have burned down...just sayin.
I caught up with some old friends at SU, and met some amazing new ones. I'm so sorry it's taken me this long to blog about SU. I can't even begin to tell you all the names of everyone I hugged, laughed with, talked with, cried with and laughed with. Did I say how much I laughed?
I don't know if many of you know this, I'm not a crier..takes a lot for me to try, but apparently not seeing as how I was the first that cried on Saturday afternoon. I got to talking about Jack and Kate, and I just completely lost it. All while standing up in a room full of people who completely understand and there I go and lose my cool. Thanks for letting me do that and not feel like the biggest dork on the face of the earth.
We're all in Holland..it's not a bad place. We have each other and I will never forget that. Holland is my starting over place, starting over being a mom to a preemie, being a mom to a daughter in heaven and being a single mom. It's not all that bad...I think I'll stay, as long as you stay with me.
Love,
Kelly
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Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (11) | Permalink
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SHARE UNION!!!
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Sep 14, 2009 08:56pm (EST)
When I first heard about Share Union I had just joined Share and SU had just happened. I almost thought that maybe it wasn't real. It's totally real, and might I add I made some of now best friends in Washington D.C. two years ago.
I have lots to blog about but no time right now. Let's just say it involves my now 6-year-old, having a first grader, finally tackling parent hood on my hood, at least for 28 to 26 days of the month that is, but what I want to tell you about is that we are having a live chat!!
It's tomorrow, Tuesday, September 15 at 2 pm in the community center. We're talking about Share Union!! Didn't think it was real? It's totally real. Come join Kate St. Claire and myself. Bring your questions about everything Share Union related!!
Hope to see you there!!
Kelly
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Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (5) | Permalink
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