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WELCOME, GUEST |
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(3 members)
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Donna S6 |
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T-M-B's Momm…6 |
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aiden4246 |
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PARSONS BROOD
jack-n-kates_mom |
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| Category: Home | Sun | Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat | | | | 1 | | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 |
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I CAN SEE CLEARLY NOW...NO...DIFFERENT
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Jul 20, 2010 10:56pm (EST)
Wow...I just read my last post on March 16. Now here is it July 21. So many things have happened. Lots bad, some good. The amazing person I was talking about Troy. Yeah...bad news. How I wish things were better. Troy was coming to my house on April 1. April Fool's Day...my favorite holiday ever. He never made it...he was on his motorocycle. He got hit. The guy ran over him. Amazingly, he was talking and trying to get up at the scene. They took him to the hospital where they did emergency surgery. It was his liver. They gave us a grim prognosis. Then he rounded the corner. Still on life support two weeks later, but they were giving us a better prognosis and telling us about future surgeries he would need.
Then April 17th, came, Thunder over Louisville was happening that night. we were supposed to be there with our boys. However, the word septic was thrown at us, liver failure, ileus, volvulus, blockage. So many NICU words...so many NICU sounds. And then the words "24 hours" was thrown at us. That was at 7:30 p.m. At 1:30 a.m. on April 18th, Troy left this world and went home to be with Jesus and my daughter. I was at his side. I saw him take his last breath. I felt his heart stop beating. I gave another person I love to God. I told him to take care of my daughter until I got there and that I would see him soon.
My life had no purpose after that. My future was dark and grim. I didn't know where to go or what to do. My future husband was gone. We had plans. Get married, our boys were excited to be stepbrothers...already said they were brothers. Troy had told me a few weeks ago that he would be honored to be a father to Kate...and how oddly amazing it would be to say he had three kids. He didn't get it, but he sure as hell tried.
No what...do I belong on Share? Not really. Am I widow? No. My friend calls me a tragic widow. The plan was to get married this year, and for me to start back to school. So what do I do with myself now?
I've thought about my future, what its like without Troy. I've decided to go back to school. And jack is missing his dad something fierce. Since losing Troy he lost that steady father figure in his life. His dad is in the picture, but he lives three hours away so its not easy to see his dad. I've made the decision to move back to my hometown, near my family, near Jack's dad and to go back to school. In the town I live at now, I have amazing friends and people I call family but not a constant in jacks life that I would allow them to keep him on the nights I go to school. Troys family is my family. His mom and I are great friends. We see each other a lot and talk daily. We can be crying one second and then laughing the next because we get it. I've lost a child, she's lost her only child. However, Jack is needing his dad now. I need his dad to go back to our regular visitation schedule on Tuesday and Thursday evenings so I can go back to school.
I don't want to leave. I feel like I'm leaving Troy behind. God, I love that man. And sometimes I get pissed at him because, while I birthed Kate, saw her and held her, she was silent, not many memories to make. No certain facial expressions she made...nothing. Troy gets to see her happy and healthy. But I'm thankful that an amazing person like him is there with her.
Life has not been easy by any means. At the age of 31 I've already had a preemie, lost a daughter, had a miscarriage, gotten divorced and now I'm a "tragic widow."
If I don't laugh, I'll cry.
Much love,
Kelly
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Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (7) | Permalink
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A MOUNTAIN
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Mar 16, 2010 10:52am (EST)
I was trying to describe grief and losing a child to Troy (yes, the boyfriend) on Sunday. I couldn't exactly explain it, but today I've been thinking. He will never know what I'm feeling. He will never understand the silly little things that send me spiraling back to the day that Kate died. He will never understand that I don't want him to understand that, I hope he never has to understand that. What he also doesn't understand is how frustrated I get when I go down that spiraling path yet again. I don't want to do that, but my body can sense something is off even before I even quite know whats coming and I can't help it. I don't want to be that way and I get so mad that I still continue to feel those emotions rush over me.
I think a good analogy for grief is like trying to climb a mountain. Sometimes you have the appropriate gear to work your way up the mountain and sometimes you're going on your own, with no lines, no hooks, no shoes, just your hands, just your feet. Sometimes you're on the edge and you feel like you're about to fall off, but you always seem to hold on.
And sometimes you need that person at the bottom of the mountain, that extra support, to be there when you fall. You feel like you're constantly climbing and you will never reach the top. I know I haven't made it to the top of that mountain but I will get there, but I also know I have people to support me when I feel like I'm about to fall off.
Will he ever understand me? Probably not. Is he willing to listen? At least right now he is. Am I ready to share? I'm getting there. He knows the story and thats about it.
Going through grief without a supportive significant other in my life has not been easy. I was never really allowed to grieve and now I find it hard to do so in front of others, especially someone like a boyfriend. Bringing someone new into a picture where grief has been going on for three years it not an easy task, especially when that someone asks me questions, tells me he wants to hear, tells me that he's there to listen to me and that its okay to be sad every once in a while, that its okay to get a little sad when you see a 3-year-old little girl who you think your daughter would be like, that I'm normal. It's okay.
I'm starting to let this person into my life, into my crazy, fun, grief stricken life. Right now I'm on the mountain, on an easy slope and at the moment I have all of the gear that I need to keep climbing. Having that person at the bottom to support me is a pretty darn good feeling too.
Much love,
Kelly
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Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (7) | Permalink
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SHE'S 3
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Mar 09, 2010 12:44pm (EST)
So Kate's birthday has come and gone. I would have a 3-year-old here. Wow...thats just insane to me. She would be 3...can you imagine what my life would be like with a 6-year-old son and then a 3-year-old girl? Hell, I can't imagine what my life would like. I can picture the Barbie dolls scattered through my house, Jack yelling at his sister, Kate trying to get in his Legos, Kate and I going to get our toes painted together.
I can't believe I haven't blogged since her birthday. Technically I would have a 3 year, and 2 month old.  But who's counting. Not me..not at all. I was one hot mess during that week. Crying at the drop of a hat, sighing A LOT, arms aching, chest hurting. I was one big ball of nerves. I went to my hometown the weekend of her birthday and went to the cemetary on he rbirthday, put a few new flowers in and decorated it a bit. Geez, I miss her. I miss her a lot.
My best friend had a baby a week ago. He weighed in at 9 lbs. 9 oz and 22-1/2 inches long. He's HUGE!! Love him...love her. She posted a picture of her daughter (who is going to marry Jack one day, she's 5) kissing her little brother. Seeing that picture, seeing what I was missing. The grief came back full force. Jack would be a great big brother, I just know he would. You know how I know? This past Sunday I had the opportunity to hang out with Share's very own Mary Lewen and Lily who is 4. We went to a park and then ice cream. Lily had the biggest scoop of ice cream I've ever seen. Once her and Jack were finished with their ice cream they were playing with a juke box. I watched as Lily was going to get on the floor, Jack stopped her and said, "the floor is dirty, you'll get sick." He was reading the words on the garbage can to her, following her around, talking to her. It was very, very bittersweet. I'll never be able to give that to him and while I'm okay with it, I just don't know if he is.
Things in my life are going good. I'm still seeing the same person. He is someone in my life who is very, very supportive. Even though he doesn't quite get the heaviness in my heart that I carry, he listens, he asks questions. It's so different to have someone in my life, a significant other, who I can vent to without them worrying I'm overreacting or dwelling on matters. My family loves him, Jack tells me he wants him to be his stepdad (DOH!) and his son asked me to be his stepmom. Sooo not ready for that, but I am ready to be happy. I am happy...I've just taken the long way around to get there.
Much love,
Kelly
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Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (6) | Permalink
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SLEEP
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Dec 20, 2009 05:41am (EST)
I haven't been sleeping. Well I mean, I've been sleeping, just not getting enough sleep and it's definitely not a restful sleep. I'm tired but I can't sleep. Even when I get sleepy I can't sleep. I keep going over and over in my head what could be right now. I'm also doing something I have never, ever done...wanting to hold her just one more time. No matter what I do, no matter how many bears I donate in Kate's name to the Open Arms program, it will never be enough. If I release balloons, I will always think I didn't do enough. When I change her flowers I always think they weren't the right ones or maybe I didn't get enough. How much is enough when it comes to your babies who are gone? How do you know that your baby loves you when you can't see them or feel them?
I think parents who have lost, when we do little things like that, we always think its never enough. Is that even normal? I've been rethinking lately the day she was born. Why didn't I hold her longer, why didn't I kiss her little hands and her little face more and now I can't.
Back to the not sleeping. This is normal for me this time of year and it will last until well after her birthday. Last night my sister gave me an Ambien and it worked. I was asleep last night at 9:30 p.m. and woke up at 7 this morning, but I woke up sad...just like I have been lately. You see I'm still in that funk. I know thats what it is. I'm not overly depressed, but for some reason I was bummed that I woke up still a little sad, I mean I finally got some great sleep. Then I realized, that pill wasn't made to make me happy, it was made to make sleep, which I needed and man did I sleep. I guess I'm just bummed I'm sad and I'm still missing her the same.
I'm just ready for this time of year to be over with. I get this way every year, this year is the worse yet. I don't remember feeling so emotional before, but as another good friend of mine said the other day, "you've been keeping your emotions bottled up for a long time because you had someone in your life who didn't want to deal with those emotions. This year your allowed to let go of those emotions, and I think all of those years of keeping them bottled up....they're coming out this year and you need to let them out."
Wow...wow. Can I just say I have amazing friends. First there was my best friend who changed her baby shower date without me saying a word. Then Troy is thoughtful enough to ask me if the baby department will bother me and now another friend, who totally doesn't get it, she told me that its okay to cry, that I'm allowed, that I finally have people in my life who, while they can't understand, they allow me to grieve for her still, especially at this time of year, and not think I'm a super sad person. So thank you Kim, thank you Michelle and thank you Troy and of course Share.
My sister and I have been talking about Kate some, about how awesome it would be to buy for her this year. She is an awesome aunt. Loves Jack to the moon and back and buys him all of the really cool stuff. His guitar, his playhouse, his flatscreen TV in his playhouse...yeah, she's the cool one. She was telling me how great it would be to buy Kate stuff this year because all of the stuff that she would be buying Kate would be the stuff that we were in to when we were little girls. She said this year seems to be hard on her as well.
I'm ready for the holidays to be over and her birthday to be done. I'll be a normal person again, well if you can consider me normal at any time...I'll be that again. 
We miss you Kate....and we love you baby girl.
Much love,
Kelly
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Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (8) | Permalink
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SHOULD BE WORKING
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Dec 17, 2009 08:41am (EST)
I found this today while working (shhh...don't tell on me, cuz I wasn't really).
One night I cried to Jesus as I sat beneath a tree
I looked into the open sky and hoped he would answer me..
I'm lost dear Lord, I've traveled far, but still I seem to roam
Please light the way and lead me Lord, I need to get back home...
I told him of my burdens, and of the sadness in my heart
That from His gracious love, I'd never felt so far apart....
Why did you take my child Lord? I cannot understand!
No longer can I touch her face, or hold her tiny hand...
I'm angry Lord, I'm missing her, I'm drowning in my sorrow
Please help to heal my yesterday and face each new tomorrow...
It was then I heard her gentle voice and felt her presence near
How I wanted so to hold her as I cried another tear...
She said, "Mommy, I am an angel now, my spirit is free
I'm an angel now in Heaven, so please don't cry for me
I was chosen by our Lord above and now I'm in His care
When you need me, look inside your heart, I promise to be there
No one can ever take away our bond
For I'll always be your precious baby, as you will be my mother
So if you cannot find your way, or the road to home seems far
Just look up to the Heavens...and I'll be your guiding star
She said, "Mommy, I'm an angel now, my spirit is free
I'm an angel now in Heaven, no need to cry for me..."
by: Janice Grogen
As much as I try to remember that there is a reason for this it still does not make it easy in any way.
Much love,
Kelly
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Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (6) | Permalink
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.........
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Dec 15, 2009 08:03am (EST)
This year seems to be extra tough in missing Kate. I don't know if its the fact that this Christmas will be so different from last or that this Christmas Jack's dad is coming down to spend some time with Jack, however, I will be here. It will just be me, Jack and his dad...can we say, awkward party of two. He's only staying for a little bit but still...waking up on Christmas day with his dad in the house...WEIRD!!
I am reminded constantly of all of the things that I would be buying Kate if she were here. Being 2 is such a great age for a little girl....all the dolls she would have, the baby dolls hair I would be brushing, watching her play mom, watching her try to play with her brothers stuff that is just way out of her league, and watching Jack get frustrated with her and go to his room and close the door. Thats how I wish things could be. I see all the great things for little girls, the tutus, a little play kitchen.
Something positive out of this is finding someone who totally doesn't get it but trys to be understanding. So this guy, Troy, he knows about Kate. He's seen a picture of her, knows the story...all of it. Friday night we were out and about, and he asked if we could stop at Wal-Mart. His coworker adopted a baby boy and as a group, his other coworkers collected money and he was in charge of getting the gift, a baby swing. He had been to two Wal-Marts and couldn't find the one they all wanted to get. We walk into the Wal-Mart and he says "Kel, will the baby stuff bother you. I don't want you to go in that department if it does. You and Jack go to electronics and I'll be there in a second." Wow...just wow. I told him that baby stuff doesn't bother me and that I'm okay. He asked again just to make sure.
What happened was earlier in the night we were eating at a mexican place, and it was crowded. We were standing there and a couple with a baby girl in a car seat walked up. He "caught" me staring at the baby. I do that when I see a baby girl, I just kind of stare, like stare a little longer than I probably should. I'm glad the parents didn't see me. I don't know why I do that...I can't help it. But I felt him looking at me. I didn't say anything, hoping he didn't realize what a freak I was being. Then at Wal-Mart he said that so I knew he noticed.
It's kind of nice to have that support from someone that doesn't get it, but tries to be understanding, especially when that person is a member of the opposite sex.
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Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (8) | Permalink
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REALLY...3 YEARS...REALLY
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Dec 14, 2009 08:46am (EST)
They say grief gets easier and it does, don't get me wrong. It's soooo much easier. It's just that December is really, really hard and so is January. Not only is December of course the holidays, but December 8, 2006, I found out Kate was a Kate. Things were perfect in my world. January 15, that all came crashing down. Kate didn't have a heartbeat. That day changed my life forever. January 17th...thats the day Kate was born. I read on a blog that it was like giving birth to death...thats exactly what I did.
Three years later you would think December would get easier. It just seems to get harder and harder. I'm in that funk...it started today. Ugh..... I always tend to forget how sucky it is when you get in that funk. It's been a while since I've been this deep in a funk. As a good friend of mine said, "don't go dark on me, and if you do let me know." Well, that light is starting to fizzle. I'm trying to let it not go out, but I can feel it. I'm tired but I'm not sleeping. I'm hungry but I don't want to eat.
I don't know how it was for others who have lost, but after Kate, my chest felt heavy, my arms ached, like actually physically ached to hold her, and every year about this time I get that way. I sigh a lot..it helps with the chest heaviness. I even hold my dog because its something to hold and well Jack is just getting too big to hold. I just keep thinking after three years those "side effects" would go away, and I guess every year when they're not gone, I get frustrated, I get sad and I miss her A LOT. Jack looked at one of her ornaments yesterday and said she would probably beat him up a lot, but he would let her. Such a crazy kid and just what I need.
It's still tough though staying strong in front of him all the time. I don't get that break. I can't just go to my room, close the door and have a moment. I don't have a team member to turn to right now. I can't just leave the house for a few hours by myself. I'll get through this time like I have the others, but doing it alone, physically alone, it's not easy.
Much love,
Kelly
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Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (11) | Permalink
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NO MORE
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Dec 07, 2009 07:09pm (EST)
I'm done, really I can't take anymore. Things need to get better.
Wow, I just sounded a little on the crazy side, I'm just stressed beyond stressed. It's the holidays, which equal never easy. Last night Troy (yes the "boyfriend" but we don't label him as that, he's just Troy) we were in Target and being the mature adults we are we proceeded to have a Nerf sword fight in the toy aisle at Super Target (LOVE that store). We were just walking through the aisles and then we got into the little girl stuff and I looked at the princess stuff, the dolls, the tiaras and I almost started crying right then. I told him I had to leave the aisle and I think he got it.
It's been a tough couple of months. Between Jack's dad moving and two and a half weeks ago, my car broke down, completely died. I just paid it off in August. I was told I would need a new engine...my cars not worth it to put a new engine in it but I knew adding a car payment wouldn't be easy. Thankful for friends, a smart mechanic a sister an amazing parents I now have my car back but it cost a pretty penny to fix it. On top of this is Christmas. The time when I really miss Kate...and then theres her birthday coming up.
Just no more... fixing a car, finances and now Christmas, missing Kate, Kate turning 3. NO MORE!! Something good has to happen right. Miracles do happen, we all know that. I get to see a miracle everyday, but I need something else good to come along.
I just want the holidays over, I want her birthday to be over and the new year to start.
Just another reminder about or live chat tomorrow at 1:30 PM EST with our very on Dr. Berns. We're discussing RSV/Flu season. Hope to "see" you there.
Much love,
Kelly
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Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (2) | Permalink
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300
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Dec 03, 2009 08:37pm (EST)
It's my 300th blog!! That's just crazy. Really it is. I found Share while working (yeah, I know) in October of 06. Jack was sick with his usual October nastiness and I was pregnant with Kate. We didn't know she was Kate at the time. I didn't find that out until December of 06.
Wow, how things have changed. Kate was stillborn at 26 weeks, had a miscarriage at 12 weeks on her 7 month birthday, gotten divorced, moved to an apartment of my (and Jack's) own, passed five kidney stones in a year, watched Jack's dad move 3 hours away, went to two Share Unions, lost 40 pounds (and still going), started dating again, met someone who is the male version of me (scary!!!), put up my Christmas decorations by myself, which I am very proud of, and now here I am doing my 300th blog. Freakin amazing is what it is!!
I also want to say we're having a live chat with our very own Dr. Scott Burns on December 8th. We'll be discussing RSV/flu. This is always an informative chat. We would love to "see" you there.
Much love,
Kelly
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Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (6) | Permalink
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