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PARSONS BROOD
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THE NIGHT OFF
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Mar 04, 2009 07:25am (EST)
When I was pregnant with Jack I worked at a dermatologist office doing transcription. I made pretty good money, but it was a regular 9 to 5, working downtown job. We lived 30 minutes from downtown so at rush hour in the morning and the evening it took close to an hour to get to work and an hour to get home.
Jack came 7 weeks early and I wasn't able to go back to work until he was 12 weeks old, which was fine, but we had just closed on our brand new house. We needed my income at that time. We didn't think Jack was going to come early, but obviously no one does. We thought we had 7 more weeks to build up our savings and rebudget ourself, get our house painted before Jack came and that didn't happen.
Jack started daycare at 13 weeks old and was sick ALL the time. He started a nebulizer three times a day at 6 months old and was on them off and on for the next 15 months. When he was 2 I started working from home for a big transcription company, one where I didn't make enough but I thought Jack still needed to be in daycare so I could get my work done. At this time we lived back in our hometown. Yep, I sold my brand new house, packed up our stuff and headed home. We were only there for 10 months when we realized what a HUGE mistake we made so we moved back to Da'Ville.
I decided to keep Jack home with me and he did great. It took him a while to get adjusted to the fact that I couldn't play every second of the day, but I could always get him something to eat and drink and if he gave me so much amount of time to work then I would give him a certain amount of time of play. Three years later and things work good. I can work my full day without too many stops while Jack is not at school. Except now I actually have a life besides work and Jack. I have friends and volunteering with the MOD and also keeping my house clean and laundry straightened. This has become an even harder chore due to the recent "changes" in the Parsons household. I do it all on my own without the pleasure of having a father to keep Jack busy and play with him.
Do I feel guilty? You bet I do, but Jack understands and I guess over the last three years he's adjusted himself to entertaining himself while I worked. Except the other night, on Sunday. My schedule is Sunday through Thursday and on Sundays I work in the evenings while the rest of the week I work while he's at school and am finished before he even gets home. On Sunday he asked me to take the night off. Man, did I ever feel guilty. I told him that I couldn't because I want to take the night off so we can see our family during his spring break. He understood, but then he saw me on the laptop while I was supposed to be working e-mailing our NICU committee about the upcoming Easter stuff that we are doing. oops.
Do you have to juggle home and work all the time? Well come and talk about it at our next live chat with Denise Rock and yes, my friend She ROCKS!! The chat takes place on Thursday, March 19, at 7:30 p.m. EST It's a night chat, so we can have our working moms and dads be able to join us.
Hope to see you there,
Kelly
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Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (6) | Permalink
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MARCH FOR BABIES 09' HELP!!
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Feb 03, 2009 03:06pm (EST)
When I found I was pregnant with Kate my due date was April 28, 2007. When Kate was stillborn January 17, 2007, I wondered if her due date would always bother me.
After Kate died I found myself wanting to do something in her memory, something that could involve my family and friends without being. In March I got contacted by Angi (Phoenix's Mom) and found out we live in the same area, our kids were born at the same hospital and she told me about our NICU Family Support at said hospital and told me it was March of Dimes related. Immediately I thought of Walkamerica and thought it would be a great idea to start a team in honor of Jack and especially in memory of Kate. Can you guess our walk date? April 28, 2007, Kate's due date. What better way to honor Kate than to do this amazing walk, for amazing kids with amazing people, on her due date.
I started with my family and of course they were up for it and my two best friends who were all about it. I had trouble deciding where to do my walk. Do I do it here in Louisville where the walk is HUGE, but I probably wouldn't get too many to walk with me? Do I do it back in my hometown since my family and close friends want to participate but I don't have enough room to house everyone for the weekend? I chose to do it in my hometown. Our family team is Jack's Rat Pack and man was I excited, but I kind of felt like I went in with a blindfold on.
When do I start doing this? When do I start doing that? Heck, I'm still that way this year and I started my team in 2007. Last year I didn't have as many people walking and some of the walkers just weren't into it, not getting donations and I have this feeling that they're doing this just for me, not for Jack, not for Kate. Oh well. Things hopefully will get better and I hope to get some ideas very soon, next Tuesday to be exact. Heck, next Tuesday at 2 pm EST here on Share, in the community center. Can you guess whats coming up?
If you guessed a live chat with Kara McBurney, family teams specialist for the March of Dimes then you got it right on the dime (get it?). Kara will be talking about Gearing Up for March for Babies. I know you all will have tons of questions to ask, I know I have lots myself.
Hope to see you there!!
Kelly
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Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (7) | Permalink
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SHE WOULD BE 2
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Jan 20, 2009 03:58pm (EST)
I haven't been on Share and I haven't really blogged about Saturday, Kate's birthday. I was just so bummed, not necessarily because it was her bithday but because I wasn't with the people who I knew would really understand. I was with my family and one of my best friends, but not the ones who would totally get it, and understand why a balloon release can be so healing. Friday I was supposed to travel to said friends house and stay with six other friends all in honor of another friend, but my body decided to do what it did last year. Thursday night I woke up feeling achey, headache and had chills. Friday I woke up and felt like a truck had ran me over. I did this last year. Last year Jack also got sick the day before Kate's birthday. Last year he got croup and was on steroids. This year I was packed, ready to go on a road trip for a girls weekend and wasn't able to. Oh well, there will be other times, but how nice it would have been to have been with those special friends.
Saturday, Brett had to work and I definitely did not want to be by myself. Since I felt better with no more aches, no more chills, just the recovering drug phase, I decided to drive 2.5 hours to my hometown where Kate is burried and where our family still lives. I packed up a few things for Jack and myself and we took off. I haven't been to Kate's grave since memorial weekend and decided I should go. I didn't feel the best, but I wasn't necessarily sad this year. My best friend and her little girl went with me and Jack and her daughter and myself released a balloon each. I got Kate some new flowers to put in the vase, but it was a low key kind of day.
I keep thinking that the fog and darkness is going to come and make me feel blah again, but it hasn't. I keep waiting though. It was actually kind of nice this year minus the flu-like symptoms. I would have rather been where my original plans were supposed to take me, but for some reason last year, and this year, I've gotten sick on Kate's birthday and Jack as well. Except this year I got sick the day before and Jack got sick two days after. Yesterday before heading home he woke up saying his stomach hurt but he was still playing and went to the bathroom a couple of times. We finally made it home after stopping only once and he walked in the door and started throwing up. He didn't go to school today and has been since his last "episode", keeping down toast and a toasted cheese sandwich with some Sprite and Pedialyte.
I wonder why though, both years, Jack and myself have gotten sick on her birthday. Does Jack get sick so I have some kind of distraction? Do I get sick because maybe my immune system is down just from feeling kind of blah. Of course since I came home I'm now getting a bladder/urinary tract infection. Those are fun, but why, just out of the blue do I get one of those when I haven't had them in years? I swear your immune system just kind of shuts down when your feeling out of sorts.
Maybe every year Kate's birthday will get easier. This year was actually really nice. I was at my parents house, laying around, and was happy. We talked about Kate and it was a day of remembering but it was a good day, not a sad, crying day. The anticipation wasn't the best but it wasn't the worst either. I still wonder if the bad days are coming or if I'm just okay now. Maybe I've accepted the fact that she won't be here for her birthday. Last year I got the pea pod tattoo so I had something to look forward to. Maybe these two years of healing, two years of blogtherapy on Share have helped..maybe?
I still wonder what she would looke like now that she's 2, would she be mischievious, would she be strong-willed, would she be loving and sweet? I'll get those answers one day, but until then Happy 2nd Birthday Kate.
Much love,
Kelly
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Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (14) | Permalink
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KELLY'S BILL
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Jan 12, 2009 08:05am (EST)
I talked to my brother-in-law yesterday, well ex-brother-in-law, the one who one 100th seat district representative from my hometown. Also a private practice lawyer and the former assistant city attorney for my little town. This is also the brother-in-law who I spoke to about making it mandatory for birth certificates resulting in a stillbirth for the state of Kentucky. Right now I only get a death certificate, nothing else. To me, to get a death certificate something had to be alive for it to die, hence Kate.
I talked to him yesterday and he wanted to know if I was going to be there when they issued this as a law. Right now it's currently a bill, Kelly's Bill to be exact!! YIPPEE!! Boy did it ever lift my spirits to know that this bill is wrote up and waiting on the assembly now. This definitely is making Kate's upcoming 2nd birthday much better. To know that I'll have proof that Kate mattered, the little time she was inside of me growing mattered, that she was a baby and not just a fetus, not something with a diagnosis of fetal demise.
With her 2nd bithday approaching I've been okay, every now and then I recall what I was doing 2 years ago today, and if thats the case two years ago I was still pregnant with her, still felt movement, she was still here. I knew this date was coming but it was like my body knew it was coming before my mind realized that it was. I've been in that funk, not a bad one, but I just want to be left alone, I don't want to talk about so much right now except to a few select friends. I'll go to my support group tomorrow night and see if that will help me.
I'm just not me right now, the days drag on, I'm finding it hard to concentrate, but I'll make it through. I know I will. It's just now that it's been two years, as promised by many of your Share members, its better. The bad days are few and far between, but when they hit they hit hard. This feeling, as many of you know, gives you the feeling that you just lost your baby, you relive it all over again so you look for safety and comfort in any way you can. I do that through music. Never in my entire life have I ever done that and I look for that through finishing Kate's video.
We had a small vide of everything that the L&D receptionist, also a person with Now I Lay May Down to Sleep, but I wanted to do one, to my music, to the pictures that I wanted and I finally finished it. I did this because it felt like I was doing something for her.
http://www.onetruemedia.com/shared?p=25c1e010224e02da4fa888&skin_id=701&utm_source=otm&utm_medium=text_url
Still saying prayers for Missy and Samuel, Carissa and Cookie Bean (that baby will forever go as Cookie on Share) and also for Lesley and her stomach issues.
Much love,
Kelly
Come to our live chat tomorrow at 2 pm EST with Mary Beth Camp, a NICU Family Support Specialist. We'll be discussing Volunteering in the NICU. Hope to "see" you there.
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Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (11) | Permalink
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AN UPDATE OF SORTS
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Jan 05, 2009 07:27am (EST)
Oh my goodness, yes I'm still her. Christmas and the New Year was busy but for us Christmas is officially over. We went to visit our family last week and just got home yesterday, but I gotta say, I thoroughly enjoyed Christmas this year. Jack was super-duper excited and just as excited that he was going home with my parents for four days without us. Jack and I totally did NOT want to get out of bed today for school. ugh... I think we need another day to recover from our weekend.
As far as I can tell 2009 looks to be a calm year for us and maybe even a visit from the tooth fairy. Yep, we have our first loose tooth and there is a possibility his braces will come off this month. Jack says the first thing he wants to do is have some gum. Jack's a gum-chewer, will chew it for hours. As a matter of fact, as bad as this sounds, I gave Jack gum when he was teething. Just a small amount but its the only thing that worked and he would chew on that gum forever and it worked. LOL
Last year my New Year's resolution was to buy my daughters headstone. I just couldn't do it, it made it to final after Kate died, but once I finally did it, once I was ready it felt good. I got some closure from it. This year, I plan to volunteer more with parent to parent on the antepartum floor and especially in the NICU. The NICU can be hit and miss when I go to volunteer, but if I go just once a week, maybe I can help one family. When I started volunteering I was looking for something that would get me out of the house, but make me feel good about myself. I found just that and it helped me so much after losing Kate. I know for many people it's hard to go back into the NICU, especially if your baby passed from complications while they were in the NICU. It can be tough, but sometimes it can be very rewarding and make you feel good about yourself just by sharing your story with others.
Join us for a live chat on Tuesday, January 13th, at 2 pm EST. We'll be discussing Volunteering in the NICU with Mary Beth Camp, a NICU Family Support Specialist with the March of Dimes.
Hope to see you there.
Happy New Year!!
Kelly
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Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (10) | Permalink
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THE BEST YEAR YET
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Dec 26, 2008 06:09am (EST)
Since Jack has been born one of my rules is that we must be home on Christmas Eve, whether we are traveling home Christmas Eve...Santa comes to our house. This year we haven't traveled at all and I (we) loved it. We didn't have to put on that happy, oh we're okay face, so people wouldn't worry about us when things remind us of Kate. This year was perfect.
Last year with Jack it was fun. He went to bed easy on Christmas Eve, woke up at about 9 o'clock on Christmas day and opened our gifts, but this year. Man, this year is the best...with Jack anyway. This year he knows whose birthday is on December 25th, he can tell you that this is about Jesus and we buy gifts for each other just like those guys brought gifts to Jesus when he was born. I gotta say, he loved watching his dad open his gift just from him and gave me my gift (my James Patterson book) and watched with excited eyes as I opened it exclamining, "mom, he's your favorite!" Such a good kid. But on Christmas Eve this year I got super excited because Jack was super excited. He couldn't fall asleep, too excited. We kept having to track Santa. You can't really get mad at wanting to track Santa. My husband had to ask me if I believed in him because even after Jack finally fell asleep (11 pm after going to bed at 8:30 pm) I kept telling Brett to track Santa.
Jack has a little tree in his room hoping that Santa might bring one little gift and put it in his room. He also thought it was cool that Santa wore red and white striped boxers just like Jack's new ones and for some reason he really wanted Santa to use our bathroom. LOL So we cleaned our bathrooms extra, extra good.
After me finally falling asleep at 3 a.m. (yes I was VERY excited) I hear Jack walking around about 7:30 a.m. and hear him run in our room telling us Santa brought him Star Wars Nintedo DS game in his room!!!. He hadn't been downstairs to see what else Santa brought. He did look over the banister and see and was shocked to see Bionicles, something I said that he was still too young for, and he also never told Santa that he wanted one of those. Santa knows though huh?
To see Jack see his gifts from Santa was the best yet. I got chills watching him, seeing how excited he was, how happy he was and how he kept telling us Merry Christmas and how he himself passed out our gifts because he thinks it way cool that he can read.
I still got little waves of sadness with Kate not being here but I am blessed with my one child. He is such a miracle. Jack's stocking is by the tree with all of his stocking stuffers in it, Kate's is still hanging on her stocking holder on the mantle empty, but it makes it feel like she's with us. Jack knows it's hers. He wanted to know why it was empty so I told him that we were going to buy some teddy bears for other mommys, daddys and brothers whose baby sister or brother got really sick and are in heaven. His response...the best yet. "Yeah, but it's Jesus' birthday there (heaven). I bet they're having a big old party mom." Gosh, that makes me cry to even type that, but its a good cry. Not a sad cry, but not exactly a joyous cry. I guess it's just a good feeling knowing that Jack loved Kate, that Jack knows what Christmas is all about and that this is the best year yet since losing Kate I should say. Last year I didn't want to do Christmas, but I had to. This year, thankfully for my son, I looked forward to it again.
Today Jack and I have been up since 5 a.m. this morning because he wanted to play his Nintendo DS and his new Leapfrog Tag readalong book. Thankfully he can play the Nintendo DS while we watch the Polar Express and I nap on the other end of the couch. Usually I would be a cranky butt but not today, I'm more than happy to let him do these things that I wouldn't normally let him do, like let him get up and play something at that ungodly hour. My parents are coming down for the weekend today and we'll do Christmas with them today and some shopping and then Jack is going home with them on Sunday. He also keeps saying this is the best Christmas yet.... I kind of gotta agree, thanks to Jack.
Peace and love,
Kelly
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Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (9) | Permalink
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I WAS HERE ALL ALONG
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Dec 23, 2008 02:47pm (EST)
I'm going to admit it...I've been MIA on Share for about two weeks. Between catching up on shopping, people visiting, Jack being out of school, I've just been super busy and I also just couldn't bear to read anything "sad" right now. I'm not necessarily in a funk, but I've been up and down, happy to sad, worried, frustrated and just not ready for Kate's birthday nor Christmas. I'm finally done shopping, I'll wrap the last present tonight and then I'll be good to go.
I have been coming to Share and reading but I just can't respond or post anything. I just didn't have the right words to say to make someone feel good when I wasn't feeling so good about myself. But I'm better. I notice this year it's not so much a feeling of dread, but emptiness and its not nearly as bad. I probably should have blogged two weeks ago when I felt that funkness start. Thankfully thank funk only lasted a few days but I didn't want to go back into so I've kind of avoided responding to everyone.
I'm so sorry. Please forgive me for being absent, but I'm here now. Hug your families extra tight this Christmas and I hope you all have a great Christmas!!
Much love Jack and Kate.
Kelly
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Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (9) | Permalink
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CHRISTMAS, CHRISTMAS TIME IS HERE...
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Dec 09, 2008 07:13am (EST)
This year is all about a boy Christmas for Jack. He wants a Nintendo DS, Martian Matter Alien Maker and Mad Balls. Some of you may remember mad balls way back when, think late 80s. It was a ball that had an ugly face on it, such a boy toy. Yes, it's all about aliens, lightsabers and ugly face balls in this house. But I remember his first Christmas, man did we go overboard. Really though, does a 3-month old really need 15 books? Not that they haven't went to good use over the years. Jack has his own bookcase and thank goodness because he has tons of books, but I notice people tend to do that with their first baby, they go overboard at Christmas when the kid could care less, much less realize whats going on. But now it's just fun.
Now that Jack is 5 he's asking for specific things and also is saving his money because he wants to buy something just for me and dad. They had a Santa Shop at school last week where the kids could shop for their parents. I gave him $10.00 and told him to buy something for his dad. He came home with an ornament for me, a little snowman that said mom on it. Yep, I cried. How sweet!! Thats the first thing Jack has ever picked something out for me with the words Mom on it. For his dad he picked out a snowman figurine, "but it's a BIG DAD snowman mom." Duh, of course its a big dad snowman. Of course he did spend most of the money on our dog Mrs. Dash, two little stocking treat bags, each holding a treat and a rope pull toy. Dash loves them, mom does not so much with the little strings falling off of the rope toy all over the house, and then Jack got himself a jingle bell to wear.
I love watching Jack on Christmas and throughout the holiday season. Then sometimes I wonder how much longer I have until he's not believing in Santa Claus. Will Christmas be even harder after that? Will I miss Kate even more because technically I should have a guaranteed four or five more years for Santa Claus and now I only have maybe two or three? They grow up way too fast. With Kate's 2nd birthday right around the corner Jack asked if we were going to have a party and if we were going to get her a Christmas present. He knows about Kate's bear and the whole Empty Arms program that our hospital has. You can donate these bears in memory of your baby that has passed away. They are $10.00 a piece and I think we are going to donate three or four. What better way to remember Kate than to have something, an object, in someone elses arms. And then her birthday, we may do a brick at the zoo with her name on it. As much comfort as I find in doing this, man how I wish I didn't have to.
Much love,
Kelly
Join us for a live chat today on Share on 3 PM EST. Our guest will be Melissa Middleton, and we'll be discussing Handling the Holidays. Hope to see you there.
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Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (9) | Permalink
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OH YEAH
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Dec 04, 2008 07:48am (EST)
Thanksgiving was good for us. We stayed home, by ourselves and I cooked for the three of us. The night before Thanksgiving we had family pictures taken for Christmas gifts to family. Then we waited until they were all downloaded to look at the pictures and to choose what we wanted. I looked at the picture of the three of us and I felt that hole in my heart starting to open again. ugh, something is missing. It will always be missing. ugh
That started it. From then on the holidays started to bother me. Last year for the holidays I didn't want to do them, but I had a 4-year-old that was finally really into it so I had to. This year I didn't think it would bother me and then I saw the pictures. I miss her. Especially now I miss her. She would be 23 months this month. A toddler, getting toddler toys and she's only getting flowers on her grave and possibly a brick with her name at the zoo, it's something at least. I don't want to buy her a brick, I want to buy her baby dolls and Baby Einstein movies.
I didn't realize it would still be this bad. I didn't realize the tiredness would come back, or the not being able to sleep or the when I finally do go to sleep I sleep hard and I wake up just as tired. I HATE this. Honestly, I just hate this. I don't want this to be my holiday every year. I used to love the holidays. Putting up the tree without having to place Kate's ornament. While it's beautiful, I would much rather have the baby's first Christmas ornament.
Does it ever pass, do the holidays get better? It's odd though, when family is here I'm fine, I'm happy, I sleep better. Thanksgiving was good. The day after my parents came down and my sister was back in town and things were great. I had a blast but then they left and its the normal humdrum holiday stuff right now. Looking at the tree and the ornaments, looking at Jack getting super excited, asking everyday if Santa is coming tonight, I do like them I really do like the holidays.
I know it could be much worse. I have a living child and believe me I feel very blessed. It still doesn't stop these feelings from coming. I just don't understand how one day you wake up and your in that funk. Why does that happen? I was doing so good. It must be a subconscience thing, your body and mind just know what time of year it is.
Last night I was looking at all of my comments on my myspace page and they date back to December 6, 2006. I was pregnant with Kate then. Then I went to January 17, 2007, comments, the day she was stillborn and all of the Thinking About You and I'm so sorrys. Then I went to June of 2007, when I got pregnant again to see the congratulations and baby on the way comments, only to see two months later more thinking about yous and I'm so sorrys. ugh.
Does it get better?
Much love,
Kelly
I hope you can join us for a live chat here on Share. We'll be discussing Handling the Holidays, whether it be if your in the NICU currently, homebound with your baby, on bedrest or have suffered a loss. Our guest will be Melissa Middleton, a previous Share volunteer and former NICU Family Support Specialist. She is the mother of quads and experienced the loss of one of the quads three weeks after his birth.
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Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (9) | Permalink
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