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PREEMIEMAMA DRAMA

*fingers crossed*

May 2013

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HALF-WAY THERE!!!

May 17, 2013 02:36pm (EST)

We made it to 20 weeks!! I'm so excited that she's doing well and growing. I feel like a big moose, but I keep trying to remind myself that there IS a baby in there and she IS growing bigger (which is obvious by my large belly) and that IS a HUGE blessing!!!

I'm getting excited for my 20 scan on Wednesday and just keep praying that everything still looks good and that she's growing just as she's supposed to. I'm kind of nervous about it too, but I just keep praying and thinking about how blessed I am to have made this far already.

Beatrix is kicking up a storm. I got knocked in my belly button the other day, which felt really strange because she normally gets me lower down. At my last fetal echo the doctor said she was sitting indian style breech position, which would make sense why most of the kicks were lower down. Maybe she's shifted a little now

Hopefully we'll get some nice pics I can share of her doing her thing at the next appointment. I have another fetal echo cardiogram scheduled for June 10th, and then I think I may be done with all those (although I'm not sure yet)...

Thanks for always being here for me through all these crazy unknowns. You've been great!!

Posted by *fingers crossed* | Comments: (1) | Permalink

MOTHER'S DAY AND BEYOND...

May 14, 2013 03:12pm (EST)

So I haven't updated in awhile. I have to start by saying a Happy belated Mother's day to everyone. I gave a SHARE shout out on my facebook, but now it's dawned on my that not everyone has my facebook account info. Sorry about that. I thought about so many of you angel mommies on Sunday. We said a special prayer at church for all the mom's who've suffered through prematurity, infant loss, and infertility. I instantly had so many faces brought to mind and I called you guys out by name. I love you all!!

I started my Mother's Day weekend by taking Kaitlyn to a birthday party I had absolutely no interest in going to. To make a long story short, I had borrowed a bunch of maternity clothes from a 'friend' who offered them to me for the duration of my pregnancy. Well, she and my mom had a falling out (my mom watched her kids and she didn't want to pay her), and out of the blue, a month later, I get a facebook message asking if I was going to her daughter's party that weekend and if I was, if I could return all of the maternity clothing I was currently using. I must say, it caught me off guard. I thought we were still friends despite what happened between them. So, I went. I didn't want to go, but was convinced I should be the bigger person and just suck it up. Thank her for loaning me the clothes and put on a good face for Kaitlyn who was so excited to see her friend again.

Can we say awkward??? It was really strange. My mom went too, as she had also been invited. I felt like I was going into a viper's den or something. Thankfully, some other parents were there that I knew so I could at least have someone to talk to. I wanted to leave right away, but Kaitlyn was so happy to see her friend I ended up staying for 2 1/2 hours. Craziness.

Well I had posted on facebook asking if anyone had seen any stores selling maternity clothes because they seem harder and harder to find. Several of my SHARE friends offered to send me theirs! You guys don't know how much it means to me. I was so happy and I told Dennis, "See, they truly are my friends. They care about eachother. It doesn't matter if we only get to see eachother one weekend out of the year." I had to tell him this because he doesn't get SHARE. He doesn't think we're really friends... just people that talk online. Well, I got a package last night and it was stuff FULL of maternity shirts!!! I was so excited I started jumping up and down!! Thank you soooo much Aimee for the clothes--I'm already wearing one of the shirts

So, having come up to VA on Saturday, Dennis didn't want me to spend Mother's Day up in VA too. He told me he wanted us to do something together as a family. Well, I usually go to church with my mom on Mother's Day, but I figured, I'm a mom too and I want to spend it this year with my little family of 3. So I let my mom know that I wouldn't be able to come up, but I'd give her her gift on Monday (I see her Monday-Friday because she watches Kaitlyn so we're together all the time). I was so excited to give it to her because I thought and thought about what I could give her that would be the most special gift ever. She started sending me all these texts about how she hated Mother's Day...

To back track, I lost my sister when I was 17. I know that it's still hard on my mom, as you angel mom's know, it's never an easy holiday. I felt really bad, but I have a brother who lives down the road from my parents who had planned to take her out and did. They planted flowers at the cemetary for my sister and the babies (her two kids died in the fire with her).

Fast forward to Monday. I got to my mom's house and told her I was really sorry that I didn't make it up for Mother's Day, but that I was super excited for her to open her gift. The whole time she was opening it, she just complained about how terrible I was for not coming up, and how some day she's not going to be there... (she's the queen of guilt). Well she got to my favorite part of the gift. I had made up a ticket invitation for her to come to my ultrasound on May 22, someting I know she's been dying to do but knows that Dennis wants to keep those appointments special to the two of us. By the time she read it, all my joy was gone. She was just so negative about the day before it was like I didn't even care anymore. I left early and cried all morning at work.

We've made up and everything, but I still feel like I should be able to spend Mother's Day with my family too. I think it would've been different if I hadn't spent Saturday up there with her already. Am I wrong? I never wanted to hurt my mom. I think she's the best mom I could have ever wished for, but she doesn't seem to understand that I have my own family now and I want to do things with them sometimes.

Sorry this was such a rant. I was just so upset over this whole thing. and had to get it off my chest. On a lighter note, Beatrix is doing great and is moving up a storm!!

Posted by *fingers crossed* | Comments: (8) | Permalink

MY FIRST "NORMAL" OB APPOINTMENT

Apr 24, 2013 04:20pm (EST)

I had another appointment this morning with what I guess is my 'regular' OB for a 'regular' OB appointment. It seems so strange that I'm 4 months pregnant and this is my first normal appointment- first pee collection, pap, blood pressure- all that.

Anyhow, so I had my appointment. Blood pressure was awesome- 116/67!! My thyroid meds are in the 'perfect' level range too. I was pretty happy about that. I've gained 5lbs. I know that's not bad, but I just wish I started out in better shape this time around. I already feel like a blimp.

The doctor was super happy with my fetal echocardiogram I had on Monday. She said she's not worried about this pregnancy anymore and that all my scans from here on out are for a precautionary measure! She said that many babies who start out with the hygroma like mine and are later found to be girls, often do have Turner's Syndrome. I told her, "I'll take it!" Obviously, I want Beatrix to be completely healthy, but if she has to have a chromosome issue, Turner's is mild.

I got to see baby Bea today via ultrasound (again). It's pretty neat! My OB has all of her patients scanned at every appointment. (It's only about 5 minutes long and on a tiny little hand held screen- but I still got to see her!). I go back on May 22 for the 20 week anatomy scan... and not before that!

I've been put on a low dose aspirin regimen in hopes to keep the pre eclampsia at bay. She said that patients who start by the 16th week can lower their risk by 50%!! She's really hoping to hand me my baby this time around...sounds good to me!!

Posted by *fingers crossed* | Comments: (8) | Permalink

BABY UPDATE! IT'S A...

Apr 23, 2013 01:15am (EST)

I just wanted to update everyone on my appointment today. It was almost an hour and a half of scans. I just wanted to thank everyone for your thoughts and prayers. The appointment went better than I thought it would. The hygroma is GONE!! After all the indepth scans, no heart defects could be detected

The doctor believes everything is wonderful. They can't believe the dramatic difference in scans and I feel blessed beyond words for this gift!

There is still a chance the baby may have a chromosome issue, but for now, nothing serious enough that it's affecting organs. We even got to see the baby swallowing and practicing breathing!! It was amazing. Please continue to keep us in your prayers. We don't have to go back for 4 more weeks now for my 20 anatomy scan (before I was supposed to go back in 2 weeks for another scan). As long as the hygroma stays away, they said everything should be fine

Oh, and after countless attempts to see what we're having (the baby was laying criss cross applesauce), we finally got the money shot. We're having a... GIRL!! It's confirmed now. She definitely had a little hamburger bun-not a turtle! Our little Beatrix Abigail

Kaitlyn is over the moon excited to have a sister on the way!!!

Posted by *fingers crossed* | Comments: (5) | Permalink

ANOTHER FETAL ECHOCARDIOGRAM COMING RIGHT UP!

Apr 22, 2013 03:02pm (EST)

Well, I've made it to 16 weeks and some change. Our little baby is the size of an alvacodo now! I felt it move on Friday. Just a quick little 'thump thump' and then it was done. I think I just happened to be in the right bent over position (grading papers) and sitting just still enough. It was pretty cool though. It's nice to know it's still in there. You'll have to forgive me for referring to the baby as 'it.' Every since my last appointment, the doctor's aren't sure if it's a boy or a girl now so I'm all confused. I can't wait til I know for sure!!!

Today I have my 2nd fetal echocardiogram appointment. I'm excited to see the baby, but a litte nervous and apprehensive as well. At my last appointment, the doctor told me that this appointment would better show which way the pregnancy was headed. No pressure or anything! I was supposed to have the ultrasound this morning (8:15) so I'd already know what was what, but of course, they called and rescheduled it for 2:30 this afternoon. So here I am. Completely stressed and preoccupied at work just counting down the minutes until 1:30 so I can head back to EVMS and find out how the baby is doing. I'm so scared.

So my nerves are shot. I'll be sure to update everyone on what happens today. Dennis is meeting me there, so I told him he better not be late this time!!! (He almost missed the first one!).

Please say a prayer for me and for the baby and my family as we await word. I'll take all the prayers and positive vibes you'd like to send!!

Wish us luck!!!

Posted by *fingers crossed* | Comments: (5) | Permalink

15 WEEKS

Apr 11, 2013 06:36pm (EST)

Tomorrow I'll be 15 weeks!! It's so awesome that I've gotten this far and I am so thankful

We had a blast on the cruise. It was nice to get away from it all for a week. Kaitlyn stayed home with my parents and my niece while I went on the cruise with my hubby, brother and sister in law. Growing up, we had a sibling in between us. He's 5 years older, I was the baby. When I was 17, my sister died in a fire. My brother and I never really bonded. We talk if we see each other, but he lived in the house next door to my parents and I could go weeks without seeing him. It kinda sucked.

So we planned this cruise and I was so excited about going. We talked on the phone almost everyday leading up to it. That is until that Dr. appointment. After that, his calls and texts kinda died away. If I saw him at my parent's house, he didn't really say much. I thought he was mad at me or something. I finally said something to my SIL about it, who said something to him about it. He told me that he felt the cruise was too trivial to talk about when I had such dramatic pregnancy issues. He thought it would make me think he didn't care... funny how that can back fire sometimes!

So all that aside, we drove the long, long drive down to Miami, boarded our cruise to the Carribean!! I have to say, I had a blast! It was so nice hanging out with my brother and SIL. We got to know eachother in a week more than we have in years. We're already planning to go next spring break with our parents and kiddos in tow. By then, the baby should be about 6 months old!!

The cruise was just what I needed to take away the stress I've been feeling. I still thought about the baby all the time, but it was neat thinking that we were on this cruise, the baby's first vacation and it was safe inside. Lately I've been feeling a peace about things. I bought a journal to write down my thoughts and just document this pregnancy to have for the future. I haven't started yet though. I don't know where to start. I guess from the beginning. I'll just have to catch it all up. I'll post more about our trip when I get some pics uploaded (I finally have a modem that works at home so we have internet for the first time in like a month

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. We head back April 22 for another ultrasound

Excited to see the little one again. Maybe we can even find out for sure if it's a boy or girl (now that the doctor isn't sure anymore!).

Posted by *fingers crossed* | Comments: (4) | Permalink

DOUBTS AND WORRY

Mar 27, 2013 02:43pm (EST)

I've been doing so well with staying away from the internet- specifically sites that talk about statistics for hygromas and stuff... until today. Why do I do that to myself? I had extra time to do nothing and thought I'd google. I know- how dumb am I?

So now I'm bummed again. Worried that I'll be a statistic. I'm so frustrated with myself. I've been so upbeat and optimistic here lately. Ever since my appointment and things seemed to be going so well. I need to get back into that thinking and mindset.

I got the notice signed so I can go on the cruise on Sunday. The doctors say I should be fine. They aren't really worried that anything will go wrong. That should be a good sign, but now I have all this terrible doubt creeping back in.

I'm anxious for that appointment on April 22. I want to know how things are going. How the baby is. What to expect. It's so hard just sitting here trying to stay positive all the time knowing that the odds are stacked against me.

I'm going to try enjoy the cruise. I have to, have to, HAVE TO stay away from google. For now, I feel fine. I still haven't felt the baby move, but I can feel it's getting bigger. I feel it when I sit down.

I can tell there is something in there taking up space. It's hard to believe that just below the surface there's a little baby- moving and kicking and doing flips!! It was so nice to see it's spine and hands and little feet at the last ultrasound. I'm going to try to focus on those images... of the tiny life that's still in there... still alive with a strong and healthy heart beating away.

Please keep us in your prayers as it seems like everyday is a battle to remind myself that God is in control of this situation. (I realize that may sound silly to some, but it gives me peace when peace is hard to find).

Posted by *fingers crossed* | Comments: (8) | Permalink

BABY UPDATE.. IN DETAIL :)

Mar 21, 2013 03:33pm (EST)

So, as many of my SHARE facebook friends know, I had my appointment yesterday. First up was the ultrasound. Keep in mind that the original doctor thought I'd miscarry before this appointment so I was even more nervous to see the baby.

I had an awesome ultrasound tech. She's the top specialist there and does all the indepth echo cardiograms too. She talked us through the whole ultrasound. She took her time (the ultrasound lasted 45 minutes) and she spent a lot of time looking at the brain and heart. She said the brain is looking exactly how it should, it's developing perfect. We got to see all the little arms and legs and fingers and toes, which was really cool. She took an especially long time looking at the heart and how it was beating and everything as the doctor thought it may have a major birth defect. She said everything was looking good! It's too early to see the 4 chambers of the heart, but she checked the blood flow (input and output), the flow to the placenta and all around the uterus. She said from what she can tell, everything is working perfectly.

The Cystic Hygroma, which is one of things we were worrying most over, has shrunken quite a lot!! It's still there, and has lengthened some with the baby, but the doctors believe it will probably go away altogether!

It's about 1/4 the size it was. We are so excited about that!

After the ultrasound was looked over by 4 different specialists, the doctors came in with the genetic counselor. They are in agreement that things are looking good. I've been cleared for the cruise I'm going on (booked before all this craziness started) and have been told they do not believe (as far as they can tell) that I'll have a miscarriage, or a stillbirth for that matter!! She said for now, other than all the ultrasounds I'm going to be getting, I can treat this as a NORMAL pregnancy!!!

That's not to say there aren't still risks, because there are. Because of the presence of the Cystic Hygroma, I have a 50% chance of the baby having some form of chromosome issue. That also means that there is still a 50% chance the baby is perfectly healthy! They are now saying, they don't even know if this baby is a girl because the whole thing was based on the 1st doctor thinking it had Turner's Syndrome, which may not even be the case. How funny is that?!

We went into the genetics appointment understanding that many times they push termination. We knew we didn't want to risk CVS testing since there's a 1 in 100 chance of miscarriage. Well, the genetics counselor didn't bring up termination at all! She actually seemed negative against the CVS testing as well since there is risk involved. There is a new test that has come out that's only a year old that tests the baby's blood and chromosomes by just taking blood from the mom!! (It only tests for extra chromosomes or missing ones). Of course my insurance doesn't cover it, but it's only $200 without it. It has a 99% accuracy for Downs Syndrome and 95% for Turner's. The results come back in 10 days and there is no window or time frame to which we have to decide to do it (like many of the other tests). We didn't do it yesterday because we are going on the cruise and I don't want to sit thinking about the results the whole time, but when we come back, I think I will.

It's not going to determine much, because no matter what, we are going to (and already do) love this baby- but it might make things easier to plan.

My third appointment of the day was with my new OB doctor (yep- not keeping the first guy!). She was very positive and believes things will all work out. She said even if it does end up having some kind of heart defect, she's pretty confident that I'll make it to term long enough for the baby to have surgery, although at this point, no heart defect has been found.

So that's about it... all I know so far. I am so thankful to all of you who prayed for us, sent us positive thoughts, facebooked me, texted me and just let me know we were on your minds!! It really gave me the encouragment I needed to start each day.

I go back for another ultrasound on April 22 (at 16 weeks) to recheck the hygroma and make sure it's not growing. At that time, they should be able to do more ultrasounds on the baby's heart and see the 4 chambers of the heart more. As much as it has been hard for Dennis and me this pregnancy, it is nice to get these extra sneak peaks of our little baby!!!

Posted by *fingers crossed* | Comments: (10) | Permalink

MY NERVES ARE SHOT.

Mar 19, 2013 07:37pm (EST)

My appointment is tomorrow and I'm so scared. Ultrasound at 8:15. Genetic testing at 10:15 and then on to the genetic counselor/doctor at... sometime after all that. I'm so nervous I think I might just throw up. Please say a little prayer for us and our little lime!!! (soon to be peach!)

Posted by *fingers crossed* | Comments: (10) | Permalink

THE WAITING GAME...

Mar 18, 2013 07:14pm (EST)

So It's less than 48 hours until the appointments start. I'm kinda nervous, kinda hopeful. I'm still holding onto this pregnancy. I'll be 11 and a half weeks tomorrow. My stomach is still growing.. my little lime

My mom prays for the baby every morning before I leave for work. This morning, she started crying about a shopping trip she took yesterday. My cousin had her baby yesterday morning (a chunky 9 pound little girl) so my mom went out shopping for baby clothes. (My cousin didn't know what she was having, so we've kinda put buying her things on hold til we knew). Anyhow, she wanted to buy something for my baby. She said she stood there for a long time thinking and thinking about what to buy, finally picked it out and then continued shopping. As she was shopping, she decided to put the outfit back because she was afraid it would upset me. So she says she put it back and kept on going. Later, when she went to pay for everything, she found the outfit still in her hands. She's convinced it's some sort of sign. She bought it but still was scared to give it to me.

She came home and told my dad and basically said she was losing her mind and was really nasty about it. I didn't know what to tell her. I thanked her for thinking about us and took the outfit and fuzzy baby socks. I told her if she felt like it was a sign, that's fine with me. I'll take all the positive thoughts I can get!

I broke down and bought some maturnity pants. I've been getting by with my old ones, but they're worn and getting tattered. I was planning on getting the other weekend but after my appointment, I didn't want to jinx myself. Now I know I have not choice because NONE of my pants are comfortable anymore. I started thinking of it as a defeated attitude... like by not buying the pants it was like saying that the baby isn't going to make it... like I had no hope.

For now, I'm enjoying my growing stomach and the knowlege that the baby is still in there, safe and sound. I'm still praying that we'll get better news on Wednesday. I'm not sure what all tests they are planning to run, but some have me worried. I can't have the amnio because I think you have to be at least 16 weeks for that (with a 2-3% miscarriage rate) but the test I've read most about for my gestation is a CVS- which is apparently a biopsy of the placenta by using a needle kinda along the same lines of the amnio. It has a 1-2% miscarriage rate. Dennis doesn't want to do any tests that are invasive. I'm not sure what all they can do through blood work alone, and of course, at my last appointment, they told me nothing of what to expect as far as tests go at this upcoming appointment.

I guess I'm just going to have to wait and see. I am so thankful I have so many friends here that are praying for us, concerned for us, and checking in on me. It is such a blessing to have such an awesome support system in place

I love you guys and will try to keep you all updated as soon as I hear any news!! Keep praying!!

Posted by *fingers crossed* | Comments: (13) | Permalink

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