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WELCOME, GUEST |
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(1 member)
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niylnnrae @a…6 |
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PREEMIEMAMA DRAMA
*fingers crossed* |
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| Category: Home | Sun | Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat | | | | | | | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 |
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A LOSS FOR WORDS
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Feb 17, 2012 08:30pm (EST)
So I have to say, I'm kinda upset. I was talking to a co-worker a few minutes ago who was discussing some issues her daughter was having and why she was depressed. She recently got divorced, and has no kids. She really wants to be married and have babies and she feels like her clock is ticking... you know? So I said, oh, "I hear that... I know what she means!" to which she said, "No. You have a baby already, so you really don't."
It really made me mad. It's someone I work with every day... in the same room. I've known her and worked beside her since I was pregnant with Kaitlyn. She's seen me struggle with trying to get pregnant again for over a year and a half... all the things I've done to try have another baby because I feel so desperate. It really hurt my feelings.
I understand that I do have Kaitlyn. I'm so thankful everyday that I have her, a child who I prayed for for so long, but that doesn't mean that I don't feel a constant longing for another. It's not a 'I just want a baby to love me or to cuddle with." or something like that. It's a desire that is so deep down in me that I can't help but feel incomplete. I want Kaitlyn to have siblings. I want her to have a family that's bigger than what she has. I know I'm blessed. I know that.
I think about all of you ladies who are still trying for your first. I can't imagine how hard your path has been. I'm not trying to downplay your journey and say that I understand what that's like- because I don't. But I can say that I understand longing for something and being repeatedly disappointed.
Her daughter is not married. She's upset because she's 30 and isn't married and isn't pregnant. I'm sure it would suck because you know, your path would be heading one way and then everything is gone. No husband, no family. I was most definantly was not trying make that seem unimportant or un-life changing.
I feel like I'm beating a dead horse here, but it just cut deep. I think it was the way she said it. Like she cut me off to tell me how I don't understand anything. I guess I'm just going to have to get over it. And know that sometimes people say things, and they don't intentionally mean to hurt you. I should have told her that it hurt my feelings. But now an hour's past and it seems petty now to bring up.
I just had to tell someone. I'm frustrated. The biggest thing is I know she doesn't want me to get pregnant because that will mean she'll have to do all her stuff by herself (uggh.. that was nasty of me to say, but true). *think happy thoughts*
I'm going to have a super good weekend. I'm going to be grateful for what I have. I'm going to forgive her for what she said that hurt me (because I know she didn't mean to). I'm going to get pregnant someday. My family will be completed. I will be happy* <-- those are my happy thoughts. I'm going to try concentrate on them for the rest of the day.
Thanks for letting me vent!  I love you guys. I'm already excited for SU this year. I can't wait. Has anyone heard a confirmed location yet?
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Posted by *fingers crossed* | Comments: (5) | Permalink
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RADIO ACTIVE-NESS
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Feb 15, 2012 04:19pm (EST)
So I took my pill on Thursday... after a blood test proved I was not pregnant. Part of me was hoping it was, while the rest of me (including my common sense) was happy I wasn't. It would be so selfish of me to want a baby so bad I'd risk its health and safety.
So the pill was pretty much uneventful. It was kinda scary though. The tech gave it to me in a clear tube (I wasn't to actually touch the pill). Then he proceeded to show me the lead canister that the pill had been kept in. It had about 3 inch thick lead walls. Just for my pill. That canister was then placed into another box (which was also lead) and housed in a lead lined room. Talk about making you feel like some freak!
I didn't really have any side effects from taking the pill. Other than the crazy precautions I had to take, I felt pretty normal. In fact, my dogs may grow a 3rd eye because I kept forgetting about the 6 foot rule!! Poor babies.
I spent my 3.5 day isolation working on crafts. I almost finish a Christmas stocking for my cousin's baby. I watched lots of movies (nothing was on tv) and I laid around. It was kinda creepy. I felt like I was just waiting for Kaitlyn to wake up from her nap. I haven't been alone like that in years.
I'm back to work now. Other than getting strep again (the second time in 2 weeks) I still feel fine. I actually have noticed that I'm not nearly as hungry as I used to be. I'm wondering if my thyroid is already dying off. Before I was always in a constant state of hunger... a side affect of the hyperthyroid. I just wanted to eat and eat and eat. Yesterday I skipped lunch. I was so full from breakfast (which was a bolagna and cheese sandwhich) that I felt like if I even thought about eating I was going to explode!! I sure hope that stays!! 
I have a follow up with the specialist on April 4th. He said it usually takes up to 8 weeks for the thyroid to be completely killed off. I've already marked my calendar for Sept of this year. 7 months after having taken the pill and 'supposedly' safe to start trying again. I'm really hoping that all this was worth it. My heart palpitations are more often now, but the doc said that would happen as the thyroid dies off. It has to get worse before it gets better. I'm just happy that I won't have heart disease now *fingers crossed*
Well, I just wanted to share that with you guys. I know I've had alot of you sending good thoughts and prayers my way. Thank you so much for all your love. Things are going to get better. I know they will!!! <3
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Posted by *fingers crossed* | Comments: (4) | Permalink
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TESTING...
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Jan 31, 2012 08:51pm (EST)
So I went in for my thyroid uptake and scan about a week or so ago. It wasn't bad. I had to take a pill. Then they had me wait for an hour and they scanned my neck and then my knee (apparently you have about the same vascular system in both so they can see how much is taken up into the thyroid and how much is still circulating in the rest of the body). My first scan went well and they released me to come back the next day for another scan.
The next morning I went back and they did the same scan, then some others in the MRI machine. The tech told me it didn't make sense with the bloodwork because the scan was only showing me like 2 points about normal range. I had a follow up with my endocrinologist later that week where he told me that the tech was wrong (which is probably why they tell them not to read results to patients and to wait for the doctor). He said a normal thyroid will uptake 20 to 25 % in a 24 hour period. Mine was almost 40%. Which made more sense with my blood work. So he (the Dr.) gave me a lovely piece of paper to help prep me for my 'thyroid murder' procedure. After I take the radio active iodine, I have to be by myself for 3 days (not counting the day I take the pill). I've scheduled my appt for February 8th. I'm really nervous. I've never had to do anything that's so final. Once I do this, there's no going back. I'll have to take medicine for the rest of my life. It's scary.
Some of the things I have to do?
NO contact for 3 days. No one within 6 feet of me. I have to flush the toilet 3 times after I go to the bathroom so I don't contaminate anything. I can't have my pets. Dennis is leaving for a weekend golf trip. kaitlyn's staying at my parent's house. It's a really crazy long list of precautions so as not to contaminate those around me. then I have to wait 6 months to a year to try. They suggest a year to be safe. Scary. I'll update everyone after I take the pill... 
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Posted by *fingers crossed* | Comments: (7) | Permalink
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BUMMED...OUT.
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Jan 17, 2012 07:27pm (EST)
Wow... it's been almost exactly 3 months since my last blog. I've signed on to check on other people's blogs, but I haven't updated my own. I guess I was thinking that if I wasn't logged on so much, I wouldn't have to deal with my fertility problems. I could just sweep them under the rug like nothing was wrong.
I finally had my specialist appointment with the endocrinologist yesterday. I was hoping to hear some good news or some kind of reassurance that things will be fine... needless to say, I left the appointment much more bummed than when I arrived.
My doctor reviewed my blood work that my PCP sent him. Then he realized I was a patient several years ago and compared the 2 readings. Apparently not much has changed since the last time I thought he was crazy. My thyroid levels continue to be elevated and he still wants to slow it down. [hello, I'm overweight as it is!!]. He told me that I can either stay the same or I'll gain more and just have to exercise more [which can I just say, I HATE excercizing!!!]. He thinks that since my TSH levels seem to be staying at a constant high rate, I should go ahead and kill my thyroid off. I'm really not to keen on that idea. It freaks me out that I'll have to eat off of paper plates and plastic utensils and throw my trash outside of the house so as not to contaminate my family. I mean, sounds kinda scary. So I have blood drawn at my appt yesterday because apparently the most recent bloodwork didn't have all the thyroid tests done on it.
He said at the rate my heart is performing, with all the skips, extra beats, racing heart rates, and irratic patterns, I'm pretty much guarenteed to damage my heart to the point where I'll have unfixable damage... like heart disease and heart failure. Not good news.
And then came the bomb drop: 'Under no circumstance are you to get pregnant. Go on birth control. Use condoms. Anything. Just Don't. Get. Pregnant."
I tried to argue with that statement. I told him how we've been trying for almost a year and a half... to which he said he was happy that we couldn't conceive (which is yet another classic sign of the hyperthyroidism, who knew?). He told me in all seriousness that if I were to get pregnant, it would most likely end in disaster. Pregnant women with hyperthyroidism have a sharp increase in miscarriage and a high risk of stillbirths... the lucky ones usually have severe pre-eclampsia and have to be delivered early [which is what happened with Kaitlyn... again, who knew?].
So now it's killing me because I knew that I'm supposed to ovulate either yesterday or today and I feel like I'm having to let this window pass me by for the sake of the baby I could possibly create and my own welfare. It's so frustrating. If I choose to kill off my thyroid, I have to wait at least 6 months for the radioactive-ness to leave my body before I can even think about trying again. I guess I kinda want to kick myself in the pants for not doing all this sooner. I mean, It's already been a year and a half. To make me wallow in my self pity even more, one of my friends announced that she's pregnant this morning. Can a sister get a break???!!
I have an appointment at Norfolk General to have a thyroid uptake on Thursday. This will be an all day thing where they give me radioactive iodine in a small amount and then scan me several times throughout the day to see how my body responds to it. Then I have a follow up on the 24th to go over the results from the blood work taken yesterday and the results of this screening. So that's where I stand. I'm stuck waiting to see what the future will hold... knowing full well that it won't be a baby... at least in the near future.
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Posted by *fingers crossed* | Comments: (8) | Permalink
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UPDATE
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Oct 18, 2011 04:44pm (EST)
So I figured I'd better update my blog...it's been awhile. I used to do this while passing the time away at work, but now my lovely job has blocked SHARE... I hate internet filters!!
So, I had my doctor's appointment about a week or so ago. They told me I have a hyperthyroid. Yep. Hyper. Go figure. I'm like the 1 out of 100 people that don't lose weight with a hyperthyroid. The doctor told me that usually people with this are bean pole skinny... thanks. For now, he's put me on a beta blocker to help with the heart palpitations. They've lessened in frequency, but I still get them every day. I'll be on these beta blockers for at least another month (they're supposed to be 'masking my symptoms.') Then I have to go back to my doctor to get a referral to the endocrinologist to have my thyroid killed off forever. I don't want to take medicine for the rest of my life. One thing I've learned over the years is life never turns out how you expected it! I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens.
I can't wait for Friday!!! I'm calling out of work and flying to DC early (since it's the only ticket I could find that lands before 7:00). I'll be in DC at 10:30 Any one want to hang out with me?? I'm so stoked!! aaaahh.. just saw the time. Gotta go to work NOW! I finish this post later....brb
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Posted by *fingers crossed* | Comments: (2) | Permalink
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DUN DUN DUN...
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Sep 23, 2011 12:23pm (EST)
So I AM definitely going to SU this year. My husband gave me his blessing (even though it's over his birthday) because he says with as much golf as he plays, he can begrudge me going for a weekend to do something I want to do. Yippeeee for that! I'm hoping to book my flight sometime today
I went to the doctor on Wednesday about my heart. It's been skipping beats and having a hard time keeping its rhythm for a couple of weeks now. He thinks it's stress induced, which makes sense since it started the day the kids came back to school. My school load this year is awful. I work in a HI class (with both Deaf and hard of hearing students K-2). They've adding extra kids with of disabilities who are not deaf or HH because we are the only self-contained classroom in our school. Aside from the diapering duties I now have, our classroom isn't equipped to handle their needs. I think the stress of that, plus my other students is taking its toll.
Next Wednesday, I'm getting hooked up with a portable heart monitor to wear for 24 hours. The doctor is hoping he can pick up the skips so he can diagnose them better. Apparently, their are different kinds of skips that make different kinds of sounds that mean different kinds of things. At the rate I was going the past 2 weeks, I was having them about 3-4 times an hour. I made the appointment and now they've cut back to 2-3 times a day. GRRRR. Now I'm worried that by the time I get it all set up, they'll stop and nothing will get resolved. Of course, my 2 most stress inducing students were absent this week... so that may be why they've settled down. Hopefully I'll know something soon.
I am so excited to have a 'mommy weekend' where I can go to SHAREunion and not have to worry about cooking for my husband, or potty training Kaitlyn. It probably sounds awful, but I haven't done anything really by myself since last October when I went to SU. I always take Kaitlyn everywhere I go... and now she tries to bust into the bathroom and shower too! I love her, of course, but every now and then I need some 'me' time!!
I'll try keep everyone posted on my heart testing results. If nothing gets picked up on this test, I'll have to do a 3 day test... blah. Those sticky leads make me sooooo itchy!!!
We went to my cousin's wedding this past weekend- where Kaitlyn learned to walk backwards! It was so funny watching her walk slowly backwards across the dance floor. She thought that was the coolest thing ever!
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Posted by *fingers crossed* | Comments: (7) | Permalink
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FRUSTRATED WITH CHANGING PLANS
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Sep 08, 2011 12:09pm (EST)
and now the couple that was going to come to DC to hang out with Dennis just backed out. Not sure what's happening now. I'm so frustrated. Dennis may go, he may not. I need to know NOW!! I have to book my ticket if he doesn't go, and I need to find a room mate for SU. I told him he needs to figure it out and he's got 2 days.
Can't wait to see everyone again
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Posted by *fingers crossed* | Comments: (4) | Permalink
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4 DAYS LATE...
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Sep 06, 2011 11:54am (EST)
....and BFN!!! GRrrrr!!
Well, Dennis went to his new doctor last Friday. She seems to know alot about all this stuff (finally!!). Unfortunately, his other (stupid, endo) didn't send any of his medical records but his last labs. So frustrating. His new doctor said that she's going to get the other office to fax ALL of his records. She has a feeling that the previous doctor only tested for low Testosterone and not other factors. Apparently, there is two main causes for his issue. Either his junk just isn't working (which is primary), or his brain isn't sending the message to get his stuff to produce the sperm (secondary). It's managed in two completely different ways, depending on what kind of problem it is. His previous doctor told him it was secondary, but was treating him like it was primary (which will not solve his problem). I told him (Dennis) it seemed his doc was full of crap when he said he was going to dramatically increase his testosterone levels (since we all know that steroid use is known to kill sperm).
Anyhow- The good news is that this new endocrinologist seems to be on top of the new treatments out there (like HCG and clomid for men to increase their fertility). The bad news is that if the doctor didn't do all the right tests the first time, She's taking him off all his meds completely (which I guess could be good) and then once it's all out of his system, re-testing him for everything like a new patient. He's really nervous about being off all meds. I told him that maybe, if he does things this lady is saying, he won't even need the medicine anymore!! That would be an awesome financial blessing since his meds are like $300 a month.
She also mentioned "going in and retrieving sperm to test and freeze for future use." A biopsy of sorts. He really didn't like the sound of that, but at least he joked about it a little, so I guess he's in good spirits! I'm just so happy that things are starting to work out in the way of finding answers. Dennis said he doesn't feel bad about leaving the other doctor anymore... which I never understood in the first place.
The BFN was a big let down, and right after I finally told Dennis what was bothering me for 4 days, I started AF. I told him I should just tell him on the day I'm due every month so I don't have to worry about it anymore (since in the past, any time I thought I was pregnant, the moment I breathed a word to Dennis, I always got AF that day
I'm so excited to see everyone in October!! It's going to be so much fun
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Posted by *fingers crossed* | Comments: (3) | Permalink
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OPTIMISM... AT LAST!
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Aug 31, 2011 08:03pm (EST)
So I figured I'd spent enough time away from SHARE. Sulking about my failed attempts at pregnancy. Now that we know it's Dennis' meds that are keeping me from getting pregnant, I've stopped charting. (That and the fact I got a new computer and can't find my back up disc to load my fertility software). Dennis finally has an appointment with a new endocrinologist this Friday... Praise God!! We're hoping that this new doctor will give him an option other than, "just stop taking your medicine for a few months." He's googled it (I know, doctors hate google) and most people who were on his meds said their doctors put them on an estrogen blocker instead. That's what Dennis is hoping for... it's kinda a 'meet in the middle' kind of therapy. If that doesn't work, he's going to try get a referral to EVMS which has an Endocrinologist that specializes in fertility issues. I wish we could just go straight there now!!!
I can't believe I'm coming up on a full year since we started trying. Sept marks a year. I never would have thought a year ago that I'd still be TTC. I've had 12 friends get pregnant, or have their babies since I started. It's really frustrating, but I'm truly happy for them. Babies should always be celebrated. I guess I just wonder, "when will it be my turn?" It's so frustrating. I do feel less pressure, though, since finding out it's 'not my fault'... I know it sounds awful to say. But I was beating myself up every month trying to figure out what I was doing wrong, and now I know: nothing. You can't get pregnant without sperm!! 
The other night, my hubby was going over baby names that he likes (strange names too might I add-- Samson, Lazarus...) and I eventually told him that I didn't understand why he was even talking about baby names. It's all a moot point. If he doesn't go to the doctor, we're not having another baby. It's that simple. That got his juices flowing. He marched right out to the kitchen and called his insurance company and got a referral to the 'new' doctor that he's seeing on Friday. I'm so happy. I feel like he finally 'gets it.' I don't have to badger him any more. I'm happy.
I've heard that it can take up to 6 months for things to get back to normal once he's off the Androgel. Hopefully it won't take that long. For now I'm just happy knowing that he's finally taking steps in the right direction and we're on the same page about having another baby
We weathered hurricane Irene pretty well. Aside from having a forest worth of leaves fall into the pool, we didn't have any damage. It was the most tranquil hurricane I've ever been in!! I'll post some pics of before and after... I still haven't finished cleaning it out yet!!! Hope all my SHARE friends stayed safe
Mitchell family 2011
Pool after Hurricane Irene
still trying to clean out the pool
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Posted by *fingers crossed* | Comments: (1) | Permalink
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