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Firedancer41

September 2010

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JOY AND FEAR

Aug 10, 2010 06:23am (EST)

I have felt just so happy and joyous lately, yet have this nagging pain in the background. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. For every milestone I reach (10 weeks now!) I know someone who has suffered a loss at that time, so it really makes me skittish. I keep focusing on the end-I can picture my delivery, and it will hopefully be different in so many respects than when I delivered Holden. There was a quiet horror overtaking the OR that day. There was no sound of a baby crying, just a frantic rush of doctors and nurses trying to rescusitate him. It was unlike anything I had ever imagined. No tears of joy, of smiles, of getting to hold my screaming baby on my chest.
I want this time to be different.

I feel guilty that my BFF, cousin and SIL all have had babies in the past 6 months, and I haven't gotten them anything. I will not hold another baby until I am holding my own; the last baby I held was Holden, and I want to keep it that way for now. But I need to acknowledge their children, it's just still so hard to be around babies or pregnant women, even though I am pregnant myself. It's strange. I know it will just take time.

Posted by Firedancer41 | Comments: (3) | Permalink

BABY'S FIRST PHOTO

Jul 29, 2010 01:38pm (EST)

It's been nice to share the joy of this pregnancy, but I know it's just the beginning of some difficult questions. I was at a playdate at a friend's with about 8 other moms, and there were 2 I didn't know. In the course of conversation, I was asked about my kids and I don't even recall the question, but I had to mention that I'd had a son who died shortly after birth. It feels kind of cathartic to talk about it at times, but I sometimes feel like a downer, I inevitably get choked up and it can just bring the atmosphere down.

But I do love looking at my U/S pics. I finally got one on my computer to share...

003

Posted by Firedancer41 | Comments: (4) | Permalink

SUCH RELIEF!

Jul 28, 2010 04:38am (EST)

Yesterday I breathed a HUGE sigh of relief. Hubby and I went to my ultrasound appt. and there we saw baby quite clearly, with yolk sac and a good strong beating heart!
It was difficult going back there, since it was the same place I had my weekly NSTs and BPPs for the last 8 weeks I was pregnant with Holden. At one point in the waiting room I glanced at the *baby photo wall* where moms sent in pics of their babies after having them. I couldn't help but think, "Holden should be up there, too" and I got a little teary.
Then when the Ultrasound Tech asked me how many children I had, I didn't know how to answer and stupidly said, "3". Then when she marked that this was pregnancy #4 I had to say no, wait, I had a baby I lost at birth...
We told our families and our 3 daughters...The girls seemed underwhelmed to say the least! LOL But I think they had to process it. I am worried that THEY will worry, and my oldest who's almost 12 asked me later, Will this baby have problems like Holden? And the 4 year-old is completely confused now, but I think in time she'll understand. It's cute because she is now referring to baby as "Baby March" since that is when I am due.

Posted by Firedancer41 | Comments: (5) | Permalink

HOPING

Jul 26, 2010 01:25pm (EST)

I just returned from my first prenatal visit. I was nervous, which was reflected in my blood pressure, but I did check it at home and so I had that reading to give to them. It was harder than I thought, I got a bit teary having to recount how my son died, and feeling like I was starting all over again with this baby.

Even though I am 8+2 by my dates, I know I ovulated a week later than the *norm*, so it puts me more at 7+3, so I shouldn't be too surprised that the dr. was unable to find a heartbeat with a doppler. He certainly gave it the ole college try for a good 10 minutes, and I was sort of surprised; I don't remember them checking for the heartbeat until the second visit at my old doc's. But of course now it is causing me stress and worry. The dr. tried to get me in to the U/S place today, but they were booked solid, so 3:40p tomorrow I have a transvaginal U/S scheduled. I hope it all goes well, it will make me relax so much more than I have been, but it is so hard not to think and fear the worst.

The next 24 hours are going to seem an eternity to me!!!

Posted by Firedancer41 | Comments: (5) | Permalink

I DON'T UNDERSTAND MYSELF SOMETIMES

Jul 25, 2010 06:10am (EST)

I had mentioned earlier that even though I am again pregnant, it is still painful and difficult to see others who are pregnant. I don't know why. In my head I think, "Don't you know nothing is for sure? Don't you know anything can go wrong, at any time?" Prior to losing Holden, pregnancy was so routine, so easy to me. After all, I had done it 3 times before, with no more than minor problems. I had even VBACed twice, and had intended to again with him. I walked into that hospital in labor, thinking about how I would have my baby in my arms 24 hours from then. Except it didn't work out that way.

The fellow (type of dr.) from the Children's Hospital is on Facebook (yes, I am a FB stalker of sorts LOL) She was very kind while Holden was in the NICU, but I always felt this feeling of, "You have no children-you don't possibly have an understanding of how we are feeling, and what this is doing to us, that you tell us there is nothing more you can do for our son. YOu see this all the time." Well, her profile pic is now an ultrasound scan-and it made me mad (?) I don't know why-my feelings often make no sense to me.

I looked at a Chinese Birth Chart, for fun. It has ALWAYS been wrong, with all 4 children. It said *boy* with the 3 girls, and *girl* with Holden. It says *girl* with this one, so I take that to mean boy haha! I will be happy with either sex so long as baby is healthy and comes home with us, but at the same time, I would really like to experience raising a boy. And if we have another girl, I will forever be haunted by comments of, "4 girls, wow...never got that boy, eh?" I got it with the 3 girls, but at the time it felt very benign. Now it's like, "I did have that boy, he's just not with us now. Do I mention this to a complete stranger? Will I feel guilty if I don't acknowledge him? Do I stay quiet to avoid an awkward moment?"

I am sorry for not keeping with so many others' blogs. I feel guilty when others comment on mine (thank you!) and for some, I don't know which blog is theirs or how to find it. And for others, it increases my stress when I read about other losses, because then I think about all the things that can still go wrong with this pregnancy. I'll read about a loss that happened at 8 weeks, and think, I am 8 weeks-is that a cramp? Am I bleeding? It's nuts how different this pregnancy is. I have always enjoyed it, and now I just want to get it over with already!

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WIDE RANGE OF EMOTIONS

Jul 23, 2010 03:22pm (EST)

My first pre-natal appointment is Monday. I am excited and want it to come already, but at the same time I am nervous and scared. Prior to losing my son, pregnancy was routine and uneventful, doctor visits routine and uneventful. But now that I know there are no guarantees, even up to actual labor, I am a mess in the head.

I Am afraid of having abnormal test results. I am afraid they'll find something wrong with the baby. I'm even nervous about how early I seem to be pooching out (although I think all my belly fat from Holden is just getting put out there-I never really had time to get back to a pre-pregnancy shape) and afraid they'll tell me twins!

I want to be able to tell people that I Am expecting, yet I don't want attention or fanfare. I used to LOVE talking about pregnancy, babies, everything, but now I have a quiet seriousness about the whole thing. I just want to get through it.

My 5-year-old still sees baby stuff in the store and says we should get it for Holden. She still doesnt' understand where he's gone and that he's not coming back. When we went to the memorial service at the hospital, she asked if he was coming home with us. WE've explained to her that he can't come back, that he died, that he is in heaven with Jesus and grandma, but it is a lot for a small mind to digest and understand.

Posted by Firedancer41 | Comments: (5) | Permalink

TIRED OF THE SECRET

Jul 18, 2010 07:16am (EST)

I wish people knew about this pregnancy. They will in a couple of weeks, but I am tired of hiding it. Surprisingly at 7 weeks I am already *pooching* out and can't fit many of my regular jeans and shorts. I know a couple of people have caught on; ata 4th of July party, one of hubby's friends asked him if I was pregnant, and when he said no, the friend persisted because he noticed I was not drinking (which is NOT like me! LOL) so hubby confessed that *maybe* I am but we were being cautious.
I don't want a lot of fanfare surrounding this pregnancy, I just want people to be supportive. It's different this time around, and I am fearful of a lot of things to come. I don't know how it will be to hear the heartbeat, even though it's that reassurance that I really want. The last time I heard Holden's it was a sickly slow and sluggish 45bpm, and the beginning of the end. I can still hear it and it haunts me. I'm afraid for the ultrasounds, afraid there will be bad news. They always seemed routine for me; with all 4 pregnancies, I was always told, baby looks great! Everything is looking good. And even that was not enough in the end.
I attended a funeral yesterday, then first one since Holden's. It's always sad to lose family, but at the same time, my uncle was 92 and lived a very rich and rewarding life, so it was not the same. I reflected on how someone can live out 92 years while another gets only 12 days-it's really unfair. I'll never know the potential of my little guy. What sports would he have liked to play? What would his interests have been? Would he have grown up to be a doctor? Take on the family business? Work with computers? Or his hands?
I never saw Holden move once he was born-he always looked peacefully asleep, the only movement was his chest going up and down with his ventilator. I think back to how active he was inside me, and picture him moving his limbs, his head, his hands-he was a healthy, normal baby boy then. If there was a doctor available to help me sooner, would things have been different?
There's been no progress on the lawsuit front. The hospital is stalling releasing my fetal heart monitor strips, which are the most important records of the case, and which will show so much of what happened in that last hour before birth. I am so pissed at the hospital-first they do this to me, abandon me when I needed help the most, and now won't give me MY records, probably to cover themselves. I hate that hospital. I wish I would have gone to the hospital I had my other children, which happened to be the one my dr. was at at the time. There's no going back and changing things. But if I could, I would at least change that decision.

Posted by Firedancer41 | Comments: (2) | Permalink

THE MYSTERY ANGEL

Jul 15, 2010 05:34am (EST)

So we all went walking after dinner on Monday, to the local Ice Cream place. When we got back, my daughter asked what the angel statue was from? There on my doorstep was a concrete angel, that looked like a cherub burying his face in his knees. It's beautiful, and I immediately thought it was strange that it would show up on my step the day after visiting Holden at the cemetery.

At the wake, we received several flower arrangements that had resin angel pots or statues. I saved them and created a *memory garden* in my backyard. A friend also had given me a stepping stone that says something to the effect of *those we hold in our arms just a short time, we hold in our hearts forever*. That is back there too. Maybe I'll take a photo later to post.

So the only thing I could think of was that maybe my friend across the street, who was cleaning out her garage, was getting rid of it and thought I might like it? I haven't seen her to ask.

7 weeks tomorrow-so far so good. I haven't yet called the dr.'s office to make an appointment, but I will next week. I feel fine, no apparent problems, but still so scared; I am reading loss sites less and less, because they seem to add to my stress. The other day I read about a woman who miscarried at 6 +5 and I was 6 + 4 that day. I just need to relax and hope for the best.

Posted by Firedancer41 | Comments: (5) | Permalink

CRAZY HORMONAL EMOTIONS

Jul 08, 2010 04:02pm (EST)

Jeez, on top of being emotional to begin with regarding my loss, now pregnancy hormones are in the mix.

Hubby is going with friends for an annual camping trip to the racetrack tomorrow. Somehow I remembered that last year as he was getting ready to leave, I was already in bed, and excitedly told him that I think I was finally feeling the fluttery feeling of baby moving.

So now that association makes me sad, since he's leaving for the same trip tomorrow. That was my first moment of truly bonding with Holden. Most of the time I had with him was while he was inside of me, so I guess it's those moments I try to hold on to.

I really wish the next couple of weeks would fly by so I could go to the dr. already; he doesn't need to see my until 8 weeks. It's not that I feel anything is wrong, it's that I don't feel..anything. I don't get symptoms, never have. I need to hear a heartbeat, or see a scan, or something.

Posted by Firedancer41 | Comments: (7) | Permalink

7 MONTHS TODAY

Jun 30, 2010 06:13am (EST)

My Holden left us 7 months ago to the day. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him and wonder how he would look, what he would be doing.

I took another pregnancy test this morning. It is darker, more reassuring, and definitely positive. DH called me from his fishing trip yesterday and I wanted to tell him about a new client I got. I said, "Guess what? I have great news!" and told him I had picked up another client from an event I did in April. He said, "I thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant." So I blurted, "Well....about that..." I assured him I was being cautious and was going to test again in a few days. After the disappointment of the chemical last month, neither one of us wants to get our hopes up.

Yesterday it was cool out, so I turned off the A/C and opened the windows. I was sitting on my bed, relaxing and worrying, and I looked at the photo of Holden on my nightstand. I was thinking about how scared I was that this pregnancy also wouldn't hold, and I felt a gust of that cool breeze through the window, the delicious smell of fresh air, and I felt a peace come over me. It probably sounds corny, but I felt some sort of reassuring feeling, and as I glanced at that photo, I felt like my little man was telling me that everything was going to be okay. Maybe it's just in my mind, but I am going to hold tightly to that.

We had dinner at a neighbor's last night...6 families from the block. 3 of our families have 3 girls each. The others are older empty-nesters. The conversation turned to how the block is all girls, and not thinking, my friend says, We need a boy on this block! I thought, there was supposed to be a boy with us. I know she meant nothing by it, but it stung a bit.

Posted by Firedancer41 | Comments: (6) | Permalink

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