March of Dimes

SHARE HOME > SHARE YOUR STORY > ALL SHORT STORIES > BLOGS

TOO SHORT A TIME

Firedancer41

March 2010

Category: Home

Sun

Mon

Tue

Wed

Thu

Fri

Sat

SOME DAYS ARE BETTER THAN OTHERS

Mar 17, 2010 10:06am (EST)

Yesterday I was in a generally foul mood. I think it started out while I was filling out our census form. How many people reside in your residence? I almost put 6. We were supposed to be a family of 6 by now. But we are back to 5. For babies less than 1 mark 0 for age. We have no living babies in our home. That was not the plan. There's a room all ready for one. But there is no baby.

I spoke with my uncle, who is the sweetest person. I know he meant no offense, but he recently had hernia surgery and has had some slow healing. He joked, "I tell people I got a c-section but no baby. I feel gypped-I got the section but not the baby." I felt like saying, "So did I." But I refrained. Seriously?

We got an invite from the Children's Hospital for their spring memorial service. Afterwards, there is a plaque dedication in honor of the children whose family and friends have donated. It will be a nice way to remember and honor my son.

Spring is coming, and I can see the bulbs poking their way through the dead leaves left behind from the past 2 seasons. It's hard to believe an entire season has already passed us by. It was fall when I was expecting my new baby to be born, and fall when he left us. Winter has nearly gone and we're on to a new spring. This is the time last year when I was newly pregnant, so happy and alive and excited for the future. I want that back.

Posted by Firedancer41 | Comments: (4) | Permalink

STEP AWAY FROM THE INTERNET...

Mar 13, 2010 04:17pm (EST)

Sometimes I need to just get away from the computer and stop self-imposing stress on me.

Awhile back I blogged about a mom that I see from my daughter's dance class. She announced in December, weeks after my son passed away, that she was pregnant. Every Facebook update was pregnancy-related, and I just couldn't take it anymore-I *hid* her on my feed so I don't have to see it. I get very angry with myself for feeling angry or jealous of her. I should be happy for her, but I haven't spoken a single word to her since I learned this. I often take the hour to go to the library or shopping, because inevitably the conversation ends up being about her and being pregnant.

Every once in awhile I check her FB page and today saw that her profile photo was replaced with an ultrasound pic. I actually said out loud, "Please be a girl, please be a girl" and wouldn't you know it...it's a boy. I know it's irrational, but I think of how she has everything I want right now. She has a very cavalier attitude about pregnancy, which I admit I had before, having had 3 very normal pregnancies and deliveries. I try very hard not to feel this way--after all, had my situation turned out differently, I'd have been very happy for her and talked to her a lot about everything.

This is our second month of trying again, and this time I am charting my basal body temperature. All I can do now is wait, which drives me crazy. Last month I looked for all kinds of symptoms, and then of course got my period. So now I am looking at any signs that are DIFFERENT from last month and hoping it means something. I can test on Friday, 6 days from now.

My sister-in-law's shower is next Sunday. I think I will be able to handle it, although I did make arrangements with my MIL to take my girls home if I feel I need to leave. I am so happy for my SIL; this will be her first. I think it's also helpful that it's a girl, if that makes any sense. Easter, on the other hand, will be a test, as my cousin is set to have a little boy in the next week or so. Everyone will be oohing and ahhing at him, while I was supposed to have MY little boy there too. It just sucks, because I don't want to ignore him, yet it's hard to even look at a little baby, esp. a little boy when I think of all that I am missing out on.

Posted by Firedancer41 | Comments: (4) | Permalink

SO MUCH SWIRLING AROUND

Mar 09, 2010 07:14am (EST)

My mind is just a jumble the last couple of days! Met with our lawyer briefly last night. He needed me to sign additional release form s for my medical records-the hospital didn't give us fetal monitor strips, so they want to look at those. I do too, but then again I don't. They will just be a reminder of how everything was fine and then in a split second, everything changed.

I keep replaying the day I went into labor in my mind...I wonder if it will ever become less. I drove myself to the hospital and told the receptionist that my dr. sent me over. She said, what for? And I said, I'm in labor! As I got settled in to my bed, I was thinking about the baby I would have in the next 24 hours--I pictured holding him, nursing him, watching him sleep in the little bassinette in the corner of the room. When I got back to my room after the c-section, everything had been removed-the baby warmer, the bassinette, the delivery supplies.

We meet with the lawyer OUR lawyer recommends, on March 22. They are skilled at these types of lawsuits.

Hubby worries for me about TTC...He knows I want more than anything to get pregnant again, and I know he does, too. He asked me if I'll be okay when I do get pregnant? I said of course I'll be a nervous wreck this time around, but at the same time, I think it would be the best thing for me right now. I would just take one day at a time.

I did so much different with my last pregnancy, all good, which makes it all the more ironic that it ended so tragically. I exercised nearly every day until about 7 months. I ate very healthy, took good supplements. Now I feel like I should do everything different. I want to work out and exercise like I used to, but part of me is scared. I have read that exercising doesn't affect conceiving or implantation, but I am still afraid to do anything. Today is a beautiful day and I am contemplating going out for a run, clear my head, but am apprehensive.

Posted by Firedancer41 | Comments: (6) | Permalink

UPDATE

Mar 03, 2010 11:49am (EST)

I've not been here in awhile. I have been frequenting this site and a TTTCAL (trying to conceive after loss) site, but lately I've been trying to immerse myself in work and keep busy, which helps with my general mood.

This week I've felt more on the verge of tears more. Everything, and I mean the dumbest things, remind me of being pregnant and of the son who is not with me.

I'm on a mailing list with women from my church community, and we often request prayers for people who are sick or suffering. In fact, when I had Holden and during his time in the NICU and after he passed, I received a wonderful outpouring of support from these people.

One email I received yesterday rubbed me the wrong way. This woman's dear friend was recently hospitalized and had surgery, and had some complications. She has been sending us updates, and thankfully he is getting better and should make a full recovery in no time. But the closing line in the email was, "Thank you for your prayers-God answers prayers." I had to fight myself not to respond and say, "Then why were my prayers not answered? Why wasn't my son worthy of being saved, and getting better?" And I know in my heart that this was not God's will, that he didn't cause this to happen, but I can't see how when someone gets better we say the prayers worked, but we can have hundreds of people pray for someone else and that person dies and is robbed of their entire life.

Posted by Firedancer41 | Comments: (5) | Permalink

DRAINING

Feb 26, 2010 02:33pm (EST)

Today I feel sapped of energy-it's simply been an emotionally draining day.

Our lawyer came over today. He is referring us to another lawyer who specializes in our sort of case. We are essentially looking to sue the hospital for not having a doctor on the overnight shift in-house, which meant I had to WAIT for an emergency c-section. We were watching Private Practice the other night, and a woman needed an emergency c...just like that, they wheeled her into an OPR and bam, 5 minutes later baby was born. Yes, I know it's a tv show and not necessarily representative of real life, but neither is waiting 40 minutes for your doctor to drive from one hospital over to another.

Our lawyer is a family friend, so at least we were talking with someone familiar. He had asked for me to describe the events from getting to the hospital until the baby was born and transferred to the Children's Hospital. I run those scenes over and over in my head, but to speak them is even harder. Then hubby added some details that I didn't know or remember. I was more or less in shock the whole time. I look back and think that even then, I had this naive optimism--I could not even imagine my child dying; not the child I carried for all 9 months, who was perfectly healthy and looked great on every U/S and NST. I thought that even if we had a tough road ahead of us, therapy, limitations, everything would turn out okay in the end.

Yesterday I went top a playdate at a friend's house. I actually did very well, all things considered. There were about 6 babies all under 6 months there. Their moms and I were all pregnant at the same time. We were this little club that discussed names, nursery themes, birth plans, cloth diapers, breastfeeding...It became painfully obvious to me that while all of them were sitting in the living room discussing babies, I was at the dining room table with the moms who had older kids--I was no longer part of *that* group.
There's one mom who's very nice and I know she means well, but she had a little boy just weeks after I had my son, and she was literally holding him over me and telling me how heavy he was an d making her arm ache (Insert ginormous eyeroll here!!!!) Another mom had a little girl whose birthday I will always remember-she was born the day I buried my son.

I used to love seeing other people's babies, and I would often ask to hold them. Now I can't acknowledge them, look at them, talk about them. My son was the last baby I held and I really don't want to hold another baby again until I can hold another one of my own.

My sister-in-law's baby shower next month is going to be a test...

Posted by Firedancer41 | Comments: (4) | Permalink

ANOTHER YEAR GONE BY...

Feb 24, 2010 06:40am (EST)

Today is my 37th birthday. Normally I LOVE my birthday, but this year is another story.

I think back to when we decided to have a 4th and last child. 2008-I was 35. At the time it felt as though I still had a good amount of time to still have children. When it took us longer than expected to conceive, I had just turned 36. I remember people asking me if this was it, and I said that before, I never felt *done* having children, b ut I felt confident with this pregnancy that I was *done*-our family would be complete. Little did I know that pregnancy would end in tragedy.

So now here I am at 37, wanting more than anything to be able to have one last child, and scared that age is going to make things more difficult.

My awesome sisters-in-law conspired with my hubby to take me out and do something special yesterday. They picked me up around noon, we went downtown and had a spa day-manis, pedis, and a massage (which I'd never had before, but I am sold! LOL) Then we went to one of my favorite restaurants for dinner.

While I totally appreciated and enjoyed the day, part of me senses that things like this are motivated by pity. Would they have done this for me if I hadn't had such a rough past few months? I dont' think so. And it's always in the back of my mind. I wonder when I won't think about it CONSTANTLY any longer. I had to really force my brain to shut down during my massage, because even then I was thinking about the last pedi I got while I was pregnant, all the events in the hospital. They are on a constant loop in my head.

And then of course at the restaurant as we're about to be seated, I see a very pregnant lady at the hostess station...Go to be seated, and we walk past a table where yet another pregnant woman is sitting. I know I am simply hyper-aware at the moment, but I really wish seeing them wasn't such an assault in my mind.

For the most part, I was able to enjoy the day...I just wish this gloom that I feel constantly hanging over me can lift just a bit.

Posted by Firedancer41 | Comments: (5) | Permalink

ROUGH COUPLE OF DAYS

Feb 19, 2010 11:30am (EST)

I have had a time of it these past couple of days.

Twice a week I take my daughter to the library to meet with her tutor. During that hour, my other 2 and I hang out in the children's section, doing homework or playing educational computer games and puzzles.
Yesterday I brought my book with and was sitting on a chair enjoying my read. A woman came in with 2 young boys and an infant less than 1 month in a carrier stroller. Immediately I tensed; I had thought that would be me not too long ago. In fact, I had dreaded going to the library initially, because I was afraid some of the staff who saw us there weekly would ask about the baby, but thankfully no one did.

So I stared down hard in my book, pretending to read and trying not to notice the little grunts coming from the carrier as he stirred awake. Note that she parked the little guy by me and went to go help her son with a puzzle.

I got up and moved to the back where my 4 year old was on the computer. By then the baby was up and crying. I felt tears welling, and couldn't help but think perhaps that's how Holden would have sounded. He never cried, and I'll never get to know the sound of his voice. At that moment I felt trapped. I had nowhere to go, I was about to have a mini-breakdown, I didn't want dd to see me crying, nor other patrons. It sucked. I told hubby all about it later and had a good cry.

This was compounded by PMS, which added the disappointment of getting a period and NOT being pregnant. Add to that a 2 day sinus headache and cold, and I've been one miserable person.

I also told hubby about my sister's friend who recently miscarried (I mentioned in an earlier entry). She was even further than I thought, 16 weeks. Hubby asked me how I would handle another loss-after all, many women miscarry. I said I wouldn't want to tell anyone until 12 weeks, esp. for the sake of our kids. But I also let him know again that if I don't have another, it will just kill me. In my head I think of it as a do-over. I want my do-over.

So now I noticed that if I were to get pregnant this cycle, I will be due the day after Holden died. I've read in bereavement materials that this is something to be considered, the co-mingling of dates. But I think my desire outweighs the date issue. The timing does suck, though. Perhaps it's a good sign, and my little guy will advocate for us this month to get lucky. I've got to catch a break here sooner or later.

Posted by Firedancer41 | Comments: (4) | Permalink

PERSPECTIVE ADJUSTMENT

Feb 17, 2010 09:24am (EST)

Well after my rant yesterday about being surrounded by pregnant women and feeling envious and annoyed, I just learned one of my sister's best friends just lost her baby to MC...I think she was around 8-10 weeks.

I feel like a s***** person.

She announced her news in the cutest way on Facebook...Created an event, the location was *in my belly*, and showed pics of her darling 2-yr-old wearing a *Big Sis To Be* t-shirt to surprise her husband.
This was just a week or 2 after my son's funeral, and I felt so jealous and pained to think someone else would get to live out the joy that I was expecting to have. And sadly now she is experiencing the pain of loss.

I need to correct my perspective on things. It's okay to be sad for what I've lost; it is NOT okay to be sad because someone else has it.

Today marks the beginning of Lent, and I am going to make a conscious effort during these 40 days to not compare myself to others, to not get upset because things are not going the way *I* planned them. God has a greater understanding of my big picture, and I think it's time I let go and put my trust back where it belongs.

Posted by Firedancer41 | Comments: (3) | Permalink

::SIGH::

Feb 16, 2010 10:50am (EST)

Taking DD to dance on Tuesdays is rather stressful now, as it turns out one of the moms is pregnant. I found out via Facebook and ended up hiding her status updates because I couldn't take the constant updates. During class, all the moms are quite chatty, but seriously I don't want to hear updates on your maternity clothes shopping and how you hope this one *just pops out*.

One child has a working mom and is normally brought to class by grandma, but today mom brought her--because she is having her baby in 2 days. I left as soon as class started and killed time reading at the library. It was just too much to bear. Standing next to someone rubbing their enormous beautiful baby bump makes me unbelievable envious.

I know it's unfair of me to feel the way I do. I don't acknowledge their pregnancies, I don't even really want to talk to them. I remember tearfully telling hubby that the one mom was pregnant and he just said, "C'mon, you know that's gonna happen. That'll be you in a few months."

I sure hope so.

Posted by Firedancer41 | Comments: (5) | Permalink

TURN OFF THE TV!!!

Feb 15, 2010 06:51pm (EST)

Boy, I'm sure it's partly because I'm hyper-aware of these things now, but there are an awful lot of tv medical dramas that deal with losing or almost losing a child. I have completely stopped watching one of my faves, Private Practice, which of course has lots of baby storylines (after all, Dr. Montgomery is a neonatologist). Even Lost last week showed Claire having distress and it was total flashback to what happened to me, except in Claire's case, baby's heartbeat went right back up and all was well with the world. My world was forever altered in that moment.

I feel very betrayed by the hospital; I feel like in my time of need, no one was there to help me. I know the nursing staff did the best they could do, but were limited. The fact that the hospital thought it was okay to not have a dr. in-house overnight pisses me off. Up until now, I have not placed blame on my dr. I know he feels horrible, and he can only be in one place at a time; when they called him to come over to my hospital, he was attending to another emergency 20 minutes away. But now I am getting a bit angered about it. I feel like asking him, why didn't you come see me? He knew I was there and in labor, I got there at 5pm. Baby was in distress at 1:05am. I guess the drs. really just show up at the end to *catch* but I can't help but wonder if he would have picked up on anything amiss.

Our case is being reviewed now by lawyers. We have a lawyer who is sort of a *jack-of-all-trades*. I was a bit uneasy with him handling the case; I've heard of highly-specialized *birth injury lawyers* that I thought would be more suitable. But hubby explained to me that he (lawyer) is passing it on to another lawyer who is very well-versed in this type of lawsuit.

My dad just retired as a hospital CFO. He told us that he had several law firms he could tell us were good (he saw it from the opposite side!) He named a particular firm and said that if they saw this firm was representing a suit, the hospital got a bit nervous and knew they would be paying up. This firm is the same one our lawyer is collaborating with. That makes me feel better.

As my dad commented, sadly this has become the standard of care in hospitals. Nothing was done that was explicitly *illegal*. But to have someone in the hospital, in need of an emergency c-section and no one there to perform it is negligent at the very least. I have lost so much faith in the medical community.

Posted by Firedancer41 | Comments: (4) | Permalink

Archives