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Trixie2310

July 2012

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UNTITLED

Jul 04, 2012 12:34am (EST)

It's been awhile since I've written. Been trying to get through June. I go thursday to talk to my ob about trying again. I'm suppose to start tomorrow and I'm driving myself crazy. Not testing till thursday morning if I don't start. Pretty sure I'm not pregnant, but even starting on my own is a good thing. It'll mean we can skip the meds! Were hoping to have the hsg done before we go to Florida so we can try this month. I know they keep telling me that since this test has come back normal twice now there is no actually reason I can't get pregnant without it, but it's worked the last 2 times so thats where we want to start.
I feel like crap tho. Have for the last couple days. Just achy and tired. Not very specific though is it. There was so much I was gonna write and now it all escapes me. I'm tired but don't wanna sleep. I think it's affecting my focus, maybe i'll try again later. Hope everyone is doing well.

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DODODO

Jun 12, 2012 12:02am (EST)

Baby Kylie arrived early saturday morning. My friend actually went into labor before her scheduled induction. She labored for almost 24 hours and only dialated to 5cm so they did a c-section. Mommy and baby are both doing well. I'm so excited and happy for her. I have not met the baby yet. She delivered in the same hospital Carlie was born in, the nursery is right next to the room Carlie spent her last hours in. I can't go back there yet. I'm planning to go meet Kylie Thursday after they've returned home. My mom asked me if I'll hold her... I honestly don't know the answer to that. I don't know if I'll be able to resist but also don't know if I can handle it.
Hubby and I went to a friends house Saturday nite and had some fun. Drunken conversations of course lead to babies. Was asked if we're gonna try again. She wanted to give me some hope as they had 3 miscarriages before having their daughters. Another couple also has had some misfourtune in the baby having department. Not exactly sure what all they've been through but i know she ended up having a hysterectomy(sp?). Not sure why the evening turned into that but I didn't mind talking about it. Just wish everyone didn't ask about surrogates and adoption and all that. Not like We haven't exhausted all options already. Trying again is our only option. We're scared but we're not ready to give up on our dream of being parents. I did inform my Hubby that if things didn't work out this time I can't do it again, I want my tubes tied. He thinks that's extreme, and we agreed we wouldn't go there unless we had to. Can't go into this with those thoughts.
I have made a preconception apt with my Ob to talk about what all lies before us. I want to know how long he'll make us try on our own before he intervines. I don't want to have to try for a year before we do what we know works. Also want to iron out our plan. HUbby wants me off work by 20 weeks. My family Dr seems to think he may take me off earlier than that with me working in a warehouse and being on blood thinners. Not sure about all that, but guess we'll find out. I'm not even sure when we would start blood thinners since I have to have a cerclage. How thin does it make ur blood? Will a paper but be dangerous cause I'm kinda a klutz lol. Just so many questions, I don't wanna wait till July to have them answered.

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STUPID INDUCTIONS

Jun 08, 2012 01:45am (EST)

Found out yesterday, yet another friend will be induced tomorrow. I'm excited for her, not sure if she knows I won't be visiting her. She's going to deliver in the same hospital Carlie was born in. I can't go back there yet. I'm trying to handle this. It just brings up so much anger and I gues resentment. All my friends or ppl I know that have been pregnant for the last year have bad to be induced. It's just feels like a slap in the face. They have to have there babies told it's time to get here and I have to struggle for the entire pregnancy to keep my baby inside and still don't get to bring my baby home.
Coming up on 6 months since Carlie arrived and left. The nightmares have returned. I guess it's nightmare, same one just different scenery. They started after I lost Skylar, lasted a few months then returned after I lost Carlie. Searching for my crying baby and I can't find her. I know she needs me but I can't get to her. It's heart breaking, and makes sleep damn near impossible. I guess I'll talk to my counselor about it next week. I've never told ne one besides you guys about my nightmares, Hubby doesn't even know about them. O what a life we live now.
I'm stopping my birth control, but shhh don't tell ne one. We're not sharing with everyone our attempts to start trying again. Too much judgment and pressure. It;s no one else's decision and we don't appreciate others trying to make us feel bad about our decion. Hubby's grandma read him the riot act last time he mentioned we were talking about. I know everyone is just worried about us and what else we could possibly handle and they just don't want to see us hurt, but they can't make this decision for us. we're not ready to give up our dreams of bringing home our baby. Others can either support our decision or keep their mouths shut. And I don't wanna hear the empty promises that this time everything will be different. A lady at work was telling me at work the other day that she's been thinking about it and she thinks we should try again cause she just knows next time will be better. I told her I didn't wanna hear it. No one knows that, no one can promise me what the end result is gonna be, and I don't wanna hear it. After we found out we were pregnant with Carlie that's all I heard. "o this time it's gonnna be different, I just know it" "O everythings gonna be just fine you just wait" bite me. Everything wasnt alrite.
I come here to share one thing and just can't stop typing. lol I just feel so free to express myself I just can't shut up.

Thanks for letting me ramble.

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HAPPY 1ST BIRTHDAY BAILEY

May 21, 2012 01:31am (EST)

Today was my cousin's daughter's 1st birthday. I saw the pictures on Facebook. She is so cute, had her a little crown that said 1st birthday and the traditional pictures of cake all over her face. I'm so happy for them cause they tried so long for a baby and suffered many miscarriages before getting this beautiful little girl. I just can't help the tears in my eyes right now. This little girl has Skylar's middle name. I don't know if they used her middle name for me or not but it still touches my heart that they gave her that name. I am so happy for them but it springs the jealousy seeing these happy momments. These moments ill never have with either of my girls. I cherish every memory I have of my girls, but memories just aren't enough. I feel like a horrible person when things like this make me sad. Like no one else can have happy times cause I can't, but its not like that. I can be happy for them and sad for me all at the same time.

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STUPID MOTHERS DAY

May 12, 2012 01:17am (EST)

The dreaded mothers day is fast approaching. It makes me very hateful as everything around me is all about mothers and babies. I swear almost everyone I know has either just had a baby or just annouced they are pregnant. It's a little overwhelming. To make matters worse, I found out I was pregnant with Carlie the week after mothers day last year. Another mother's day and another child in the ground. Sheesh there's a few days on the calendar I'd just like to erase all together. My husband asked me what I wanted for mother's day and it took every ounce of restrant I had not to tell him my babies back. Things like that make him feel so bad cause he can't give me that and I know he would if he could. It's just not a fun weekend.

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YAY

May 02, 2012 10:36pm (EST)

Had my first counseling session yesterday. I think it went well. Just did some background and talked a little. I liked her. Gonna see her again in 2 weeks. She told me she usually starts counseling right after the loss and asked how I've survived this long. I couldn't really answering that. Life continues one no matter how much I suffer. I just get up and do what I have to. She asked what I wanted to accomplish with this counseling, I told her I would like to get to the point where getting out of bed doesn't take everything I have. She seemed to get it. She was surprised by my story. Granted she only got the basics this time . I don't think she expected me to have such a heart breaking story, and most don't. Couldn't tell you how many times I've heard I'm to young to have had any real hard times. Just a good example not to judge people before you know them. You never know what another person has been through.
I think I've gotten the biggest kick in the butt to lose this weight then ever before. Hubbub told me today the sooner I lose the weight I'm wanting to and get my healthy habits back in check we can start trying again! Since giving birth in Dec I've lost almost 30lbs. That's the weight from Carlie's pregnancy plus 10lbs. I am still trying to lose the weight from Skylar's pregnancy though. The way I figure being at a healthier weight can't hurt for another pregnancy plus it can only help my back problems. Now just to use this for my motivation. I'm thinking another 20- 30 lbs should be fine.

excited to be thinking about the future again. Excited to think there still is one. Now to learn how to hold onto this hope during the dark nights.

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M4B

Apr 30, 2012 04:22pm (EST)

Our march for babies was saturday and I think it turned out quite well. We ended up hiding under the bleachers for the 1st hour cause it was storming but it cleared up in time for opening ceremony. I think our team had a wonderful turn out. Think we may of had one of the largest teams in attendance

I dont have the offical total we raised yet but from the amonunt I know we almost doubled our goal! I was really excited about the turn out.
Tomorrow is my first counseling session. Kinda nervous but I think more nervous about getting lost. lol Not sure what I'm gonna say yet but I'll just go with it. Can't hurt right? and if I don't like the lady the berevmant nurse already told me she'd help me find someone else.
I think we are done on the adoption front. We just can't figure out how we could afford it. HUbby even mentioned something about trying again. Not getting my hopes us cause I don't want to pressure him into anything. We both need to be ready for this cause it's not going to be easy. He told me he doesn't want me working this time. I was figuring he mnet bout 20 weeks I'd go on leave but he said we'll see. He said I would go on leave when he said so. I know working had nothing to do with our losses but he said hes not comfortable with me stressing myself at work and especially since this last time they kept going back on the things they said bout me taking it easy. I told him if we do get pregnant again I'm not sure when I would want to inform the world. I have decided that there will be no baby shower. Both our losses happened right around something involving the baby shower so I don't want one. Also I don't know that I will want to share that baby with many outside the family and close friends. We will find out the sex and pick out names but I don't think we're gonna tell many ppl. This next pregnany will be private. Just things weve been talking about. I really want to fell another baby kicking insde of me, hear that heart beating away, see the pictures of the little one inside me. one day, one day it'll happen.

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UPDATE

Apr 19, 2012 07:09pm (EST)

Well I haerd back from the lady at the hospital and she gave me the names of a few counselors in my area. I have an apt May 1st. Nervous as can be. I already have anxieties with new people. Dont know how I'm gonna walk in and tell this lady everything I can't tell even my closest of friends. Maybe I'll just start with the girls stories who knows. I know this is a step in the right direction, just nervous.
In other news, while I've been looking into adoption both domestic and international, it's become apparent this will not be an option for us. I just never imagained money would be the final decision. I imagined paying some of the mothers expenses and paying court costs and the legal fees, I just never imagained having to pay an organization $20,000 + to "advertise" us. Foster care was out before it was ever an option cause I could never handle someone coming to collect the child when the birth parents decided to get their lives together, and as for adopting from the state it's more of a personal choice. we have decided our cut off is 2-3 yrs old. We want some of the firsts to be ours and everyone wants a infnat or toddler so we would be a a waiting list forever. I gues the only option for us is trying again.. sheesh.
I'm feeling a little better. Still not light at the end of the tunnel so i guess i'm just adjusting to the dark.

I'll take the break from the nights spent alone crying, I know they'll be back so why not enjoy the time while i have it. Somewhere out there is the answer for us and I'm gonna keep looking till we find it. I'm not ready to accept the end. I need to know I've exhausted all options before allowing myself to give up. Just hope I have the strength to follow through.

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THANKS

Apr 14, 2012 10:39pm (EST)

Thanks everyone for your kind words. I know both my girls are loved and we did everything possible for them, just sometimes it doesn't feel like enough. Sometimes it just feels like they were punished unfairly. I think about them everyday. I somehow thought since I've traveled this road already it'd be easier, but its not. It just seems more unfair and I can feel myself slipping into a dark place of anger and hatred. I don't want to be the bitter lady angry at the world and I've never been one to believe the world owed me anything. But after taking one child from me I thought the world couldn't get any crueler. After Carlie was born and they told us we were gonna lose her too and then she began to fight and prove the drs wrong, I thought maybe she had a chance. Maybe it wasn't going to be the life we had planned but we would still get to keep her, I mean if their is a god he couldn't do this to us twice right? Not suppose to give us more than we can handle or so I keep getting told. Well we were wrong again, cause losing both my little girls is more than I can handle. I'm not one that likes to ask for help. I will help others any way I can but hate to have to ask for any in return, but this I can't do alone. I can't mourn the death of two babies.
I went to my friends baby shower today. It was hard but I felt I needed to he there for her. We've had a conversation about how if I feel distant it has nothing to do with her or her daughter, I just have to take care of me first. I love them both, but I'm about to watch her get everything I've lost, everything I've ever dreamed of. It seems like everyone on Facebook is pregnant again too. What I wouldn't give to be in the same position. I'm so scared of another pregnancy but want it more than anything at the same time. O what am I going to do with myself.

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WHY

Apr 13, 2012 07:05pm (EST)

I've been lurking the last couple of days. Knowing i need to get things off my chest but having no words to express what I'm feeling. I just called the berevement counsler at the hospital and left a message. I fall apart everytime I'm left alone lately. I have no hope for the future and no motivation or urge to care about anything. I hate myself. I feel like if I wasn't these little girls mommy then maybe they would of stood a chance, but as it is I am and they didn't. Sometimes I think it would of been better if we never figures out how to get me pregnant. Then my defective body wouldn't have destroyed so many lives. Everyone around me is either pregnant or enjoying their new babies and it's destryoing my soul. atleast whatever is left of it. The why me's help no one but it's all i want to know. Why me, why them, why my family. What did I ever do so wrong to deserve this? And if i didn't deserve this then why does the world hate me so much? Why does God hate me so much? I've tried to be a good person, I know I've made some mistakes in life but why take it out on my babies?

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