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WELCOME, GUEST |
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(3 members)
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stacyat6 |
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angie5166 |
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niylnnrae @a…6 |
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TRISTAN'S MOTHER
TrishloveTristan |
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| Category: Home | Sun | Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat | | | | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 |
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I FEEL LIKE THERE IS SOMTHING WRONG...
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Mar 14, 2010 09:07pm (EST)
Hi everyone, I have been so busy lately and just going with the flow that it makes me wonder if there is something wrong with me. I've been on anti-depressants and anxiety medication since Dec. 2008 and during the time that I was doing really bad the doctor increased my dosage and I wonder if that is the reason why I feel blah. I don't cry as often as I once did; I continue to think about Tristan everyday but I don't cry and I haven't had those moments when I feel hopeless, I wonder if I go off the medication will I continue to feel the way I do? I hate feeling weak but I don't want to be on medication for the rest of my life just to be able to cope.
My love life or lack of is not a big deal to me at this point but I wonder if I will ever care again... I don't have to desire to have a baby and at times I wonder if I would be a good mother to a living baby. Today I've been on Share reading and a couple of blogs brought tears to my eyes and it made me remember of how I felt after Tristan's death those deep deep emotions, would I ever feel anything like that again? I've notice that I have very little patience for my niece...she is beautiful and I love her but after a few hours with her, I feel like running away because she drives me crazy. I'm most comfortable when I'm home with my cat. I told my sister how I love coming home and just being by myself and she told me that I will have a hard time living with someone when the time comes. I think she might be right. Is this how my life is suppose to be? Lonely?
I've been on dates and I can't seem to trust anybody and I do things to push them away. I wish i had crystal ball to tell me what my future holds because right now i'm clueless. Will I ever be happy again? Will I even have the joy being pregant again and holding my child in my arms? So many questions and no answers. Right now I feel like crying but there is a knot that will not allow me to cry... I'm doing so good and I don't want to go back to feeling sorry for myself again but I feel like something is missing. I know my son is missing and maybe because another angelversery is coming up is the reason why I feel this way. Thanks for listening.
Tristan my love please continue to love me, I miss you so much and I wish to hold you even if its only in my dreams so please come and visit soon. Love you always and forever Mom.
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Posted by TrishloveTristan | Comments: (4) | Permalink
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15 MONTHS WITHOUT TRISTAN
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Feb 22, 2010 03:22pm (EST)
It feels just like yesterday i was holding him in my arms, and now 15 months later, here I am, a completely different person. The old me is not coming back and a shell of who I was remains. I've come to the realization that I don't want a baby right now. I remember that after Tristan was born all i wanted was a baby, I begged Rob for us to have another baby but he didn't want to  (i guess it turn out for the best). Anyway and as the months have gone by, i have been able to look deep down in my sould and relalized that I don't just want a baby, I want Tristan, my heart aches for Tristan, my arms ache for Trista and another baby will never replace him. I will no rush to find a boyfriend, I will let things be.
I got my dream job, I'm doing one on one counseling, so far i'm loving what i'm doing, i'm still learning but overall i think this is great. I'm focusing on my career and I'm okay with that.
On other news my sister is having a baby, we made up, we are talking now and i'm so happy i'm going to be an aunt again its somekind of bittersweet moment but it will be a new life in our family.
As far as Tristan's father, i'm happy to report that i have no contact with him and that i've finally moved on from that terrible relationship. I forgive him for what he has done, but i have not forgotten, but i no lorger need him to grief Tristan, I'm strong enough now that I grief and celebrate Tristan's short time with me in my own ways.
Tristan Mommy loves you and i thank you for all that you have given me and continue to give me LOVE.
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Posted by TrishloveTristan | Comments: (7) | Permalink
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HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.
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Feb 14, 2010 09:57pm (EST)
Dear Tristan the one and only love of my life, another <3 day without. I miss you so much but this year I'm in a much better place and I think its because you have given me so much love and strength throughout the year. I think i'm making progress and you would be proud of me. I am not where I want to be but i'm getting there. There is nothing more I want than to hold you and kiss you but you already know that. YOu are always in my thoughts and dreams. Thank you my love for everything, for our time together, for the kicks and a punches for loving the right side of my body for loving my singing and for allowing me to be your mommy for as long as you did. Today and always you will be my Valentine. Tristan I miss you and love you more than anything.
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Posted by TrishloveTristan | Comments: (7) | Permalink
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CRAZY??
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Jan 24, 2010 08:17pm (EST)
Just when you think you are over somethings they come back to hunt you. Friday night I could not fall asleep, i ran out of medication and still didn't get my prescription. So I finally fell asleep after 3am and that's when the nightmares started. first started off with me and my sister staying across the street from Rob's house and my sister telling me that Rob and I were related and showing me pictures of when we were younger. I kept telling her I didn't know and her telling me that's why Tristan didn't live. Then the nightmare changes and I'm in this big house with 100's of cats everywhere, all i see is that they are multiplying and they are all over the place. Then I go to Rob's house and I see him having a party having a grand time, which in the dream made me very upset. Then the dream goes from that to me at a job interview for a magazine but in order to get the Job the three people applying have to be able to transport a baby from the end of one room to another and there are steps and the baby is in a basinet with wheels. the first two people fail because they tried to pull the basinet where the steps were. so i was my turn to go and when i came to the steps, i took the baby out and carried it to the woman doing the interview. I got the Job. I woke up in the worse cold sweats ever, I was shivering. and my bed so so wet and it just smelled like sweat. I woke up crying took off the sheets and took a shower. and drove like a crazy woman to the cemetry to visit Tristan, the whole way there i was crying, I was crying when i woke up as i showered. After I left I felt better.
I had made plans to visit my friend who has a two week old girl yesterday and when i made plans with her I felt like it was a test, I wanted to see If i could do it. I guess I'm not ready. I'm going for a Job interview on monday so I guess that's why i had the weird dream about the interview. and part of me still feels like i'm going to be all alone and become the crazy cat lady
I met one guy and at first he seemed very interested but lately when he saw the part of me grieving he told me that he doesn't think i'm ready to love and that I need to heal first. Who says that? I will never heal! things might get better but how does a broken heart heal? he just doesn't get it and its too bad because i really like him. Anyways and the part of rob in the dream is just crazy because I put him behind me he was left in 2009 and it angers me that he shows up in my nightmares!
Thought?
thanks for reading.
Tristan Mommy loves you and misses you. Continue to guide me in the right direction my angel.
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Posted by TrishloveTristan | Comments: (3) | Permalink
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14 MONTHS
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Jan 22, 2010 06:39pm (EST)
My dear Tristan,
Today marks another anniversary, another sad day for me as I miss you more and more everyday. You are my strength and my love. I thank you for giving me so much during such a short time. I wonder if I will ever feel the same towards anyone in my life. I know you will guide me every step of the way until we meet again. I love you so much and I miss you. Your cousins and grandparents also miss you and think about you.
Love always,
Mommy Trish
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Posted by TrishloveTristan | Comments: (4) | Permalink
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DEPRESSION KICKING MY A$$
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Jan 21, 2010 03:58pm (EST)
Well, I've been doing really well in trying to move forward and trying to stay positive, I started dating  but so far I don't think anything is long term. Anyways Tuesday night my depression hit me really hard, i ran out of sleeping medication and had trouble sleeping. Tomorrow is Tristan's 14th Month Angelversary and its killing me. Next month will be even worse since next month is his due date is coming up.
I feel like no matter who I date they will never understand the pain that I feel and how the anniversaries bring me down. I feel like my drowning and that a bag of rocks are keeping me down. So what do I do?
Oh the good side, I have an interview on Monday, the job pays $17000.00 more than what I'm making now so i'm really happy about that and feel confident that i'll get it. The only thing is that the job is in the Bronx and I live in Staten Island and I would have to move bc the commute would be too much. I don't know... I hope I can continue to have a positive attitude even when I'm sad. On Tuesday night is the first night i cried.
Thanks everyone for your support.
Tristan I love you honey.
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Posted by TrishloveTristan | Comments: (3) | Permalink
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10 DAYS IN 2010
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Jan 11, 2010 02:20am (EST)
So far so good, I truly feel like a weight has been lifted of my body by letting go of the anger I've been carrying with me for 13 months. I started writing in a diary to Tristan I tell him all my dreams and hopes as well as what my day has been and trying to stay positive, i feel it has helped me a great deal.
I'm also reconnecting with friends, which is great. I'm trying to be more social and not be sad all the time. Since the new year I've thought about Tristan everyday all day but I have not cried, that was, until last night. I was on the subway and there was a lot of people I was standing and in front of me was a dad with his daughter she look like she might have been 2 years old, she kept looking at me and I would wink at her, then it hit me like a brick... I started thinking about what Tristan would look like would he have big eyes like his father, dark hair like me and just like that one tear on each eye flowing down my face... I took my glove and quickly dried my eyes.
I don't know but I was able to reach my destination and had a wonderful time with friends I have not seen in months and I told one of my friends that I will never be the same but I will be happy again and that I want her to be there for me supporting me all the way just how she has been.
Tristan Mommy is here and I hope that you can come and show me in any way you can that you are around me, I love you with all my being.
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Posted by TrishloveTristan | Comments: (3) | Permalink
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2010 HERE I COME
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Dec 31, 2009 05:33pm (EST)
As the New Year approaches... I want to stay positive, I wasnt to move forward with my life, this doesn't mean I will leave Tristan behind, it just means that I willl try to honor him instead of mourning him. My angel is gone and my will be broken forever but it doesn't mean that I will never find happiness. Like Kristina- former ICU nurse, things might not happen over night or at the time I want them to happened but they will happen of that i'm sure.
I hope I can continue with positive thinking in order to rebuild broken relationships with friends and family. Most of all I want to leave the anger behind. I feel like the anger is weighning me down. The people my anger is towards they don't care, they continue to live their lives and I'm left feeling angry and bitter. Time to let go.
I'm going to focus on healing and finding a job I enjoy. I'm going to be happy.
On another note, the other day i was thinking that if Tristan would have been born on his due date Feb. 23, 2009 I would have had a 10 month old baby in my arms... the thought made me smile. I wonder what he would look like. I think he would have been a chubby baby, my nephew was a really chubby baby.
Tristan my love, I'm always thinking of you. I love you more than words can say. Please come visit mommy in her dreams.
Happy New Years everyone.
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Posted by TrishloveTristan | Comments: (4) | Permalink
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GOSH
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Dec 26, 2009 05:53pm (EST)
Well, I am happy Xmas is over... I went to visit my mother as she is leaving to go to El Salvado on the 28th. After Tristan passed, she took all of Tristan's things to her house because Rob told her it would be best for me and he didn't want me going back to my apartment with Tristan's things all over. I was so angry, why did they listen to him, is not like he got any of the things for Tristan. Well anyway, I took all the things back to my apartment yesterday. I cried, i'm not going to lie, but I wanted to see his little shirts and cloth diapers, his little shoes. My sister had gotten him a football jersey as well that I loved so much. So I have all his things with me now. I want to get a plastic bin to put all his belongings so they don't get ruined.
My mother has been trying to talk to me about god but to be honest it goes in one ear and comes out the other. I don't know if there is a god... I don't know if we live in a paralle universe, i don't know what to believe anymore.
My goals for 2010 is to honor Tristan, i don't know how yet but i'll find a way.
To be better to myself and stop blaming myself for everything that has happened.
to get a job i really enojoy (and pays the bills.)
To forgive those who have hurt me... i'm sick of carrying the anger with me.
I want to heal, i want Tristan to be proud of me, I want to be a good mommy to my angel...part of me feels like he will be the only child for me, I hope not because i would love to have a family of my own.
Tristan the love of my life, mommy is here. and I know you are right next to me.
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Posted by TrishloveTristan | Comments: (6) | Permalink
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